


Write your story, she said; it will help, she said.

by Luxi_Storyteller



Series: Opening Doors to New Adventures [2]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Cutting, Drug Addiction, Family Drama, GQ!Lexa, Mild BDSM, Mom!Clarke, Multi, Nontu!Lexa, PTSD, Postpartum Depression, Smut, Therapy, gender queer character, non-binary
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-11
Updated: 2016-02-20
Packaged: 2018-04-20 07:22:36
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 46
Words: 167,189
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4778558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Luxi_Storyteller/pseuds/Luxi_Storyteller
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The sequel to "Lexa has left you a comment."</p><p>Figured it's time to list this as more than just a sequel. So...</p><p>Clarke and Lexa have been married just 10 months. Their daughter Octavia and Raven bring home a stray human after Clarke has Lexa's baby that is kind of their brother's baby. But this whole family is crazy connected. </p><p>The story is often dark as fuck and I intentionally will make you hate someone to only make you love them in the next chapter. They will talk about the shitty aspect of life and everyone has some tragic backstory from sexual assault, homelessness, child abuse, PTSD, postpartum depression, to issues with identity... Yep you name it I'm going to handle it. My only promise is... You'll get a happy ending. However I will try to break you emotionally before that. Have fun!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Everyone's story has a start point, but that doesn't mean its the beginning.

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Kielena17](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Kielena17).



**~Clarke~**

Click.

Click. 

Sounds fade in an out, and the only distinct thing that Clarke can make out is the song playing. She was singing along… right?

 _“I’m just a believer, things will get better…. I don’t wanna let it go,”_ plays through scratchy speakers.

Click.

Click. 

Someone is crying. No they were sobbing. _Who is crying?_ But then it’s quiet, or is it dark? Is there a difference? Or wait does silence make things visible, like turning down the radio to see more clearly when driving?

Driving. Clarke remembered driving. She remembered driving the Prius, and the girls were singing. They were singing that song they loved. _What’s the name of that sing?_

Click.

Click. 

Their baby is kicking. She can feel it. The little life is strong like their Nontu; is going to be a fucking ninja warrior, just like Lexa. Clarke runs her hand over the place, she feels the kick. She feels it again. It hurts, but its soothing, because the little peanut is telling her they are there. Lexa’s baby. They were going to have a baby. _Only two more months, Levi. Two more months and we get to meet you, Peanut.  
_

Click.

Click. 

She tries to open her eyes, but they are so heavy. She sees the car but it looked broken. And there was someone crying. She must be dreaming. _Fucking pregnancy dreams._

She rubs her head, and she realizes that it hurts. _What the fuck? Why does my head hurt?_

Click.

Click. 

 “MOM!” someone is screaming. Her ears go out, and ring painfully. _Why is someone screaming?_

“MOM, please!” the scream came again, and then there was a hand on her shoulder. Someone is touching her. Someone is screaming for her.

The ringing fades, and the screaming continued.

“ _I feel my demons misleading me…”_ there’s that song again. Followed by the hand, the hand that was shaking her.

“Griffin,” that was Octavia. _Why is that kid calling me by my last name again?_

Her eyes open this time. They are not heavy any longer, but they are not focusing the way she wants them too. She sees the glass, and realizes some is on her. She tries to shake it off, but realizes she can’t move. She is on her side; and her skin aches from the life growing within her that has shifted to the right, stretching with gravity. The steering wheel is pressed against her bulging abdomen.

“Mom,” Octavia says again, and Clarke realizes that she is in front of her. She is leaning in from the windshield.

_Where the fuck is the windshield?_

“O,” she starts, but she can only get out the letter. She looks around, and the setting is beginning to focus. _Prius. Accident. What the fuck happened?_

The teen is crying, her eyes black, and Clarke can see several scratches on her face. Octavia is still talking, but it’s too much. Too much to see and hear. She needs to see right now, so she doesn’t hear Octavia. She doesn’t hear the sirens.

Instead, she looks to her right. She sees the passenger’s side of the vehicle, which is now up instead of across. She sees that she is on the side with the pavement. She sees that she is not alone in the car still.

And this time she screams. But Clarke can’t hear herself. She can only see. She can only see Raven, still strapped next to her, but not moving. She see’s Raven at an angle that she shouldn’t be at. She sees the metal that is in her.

She screams again. But then she stops.

She stops screaming.

She can’t scream and see and think.

She needs to think.

She needs to think, so she closes her eyes to take away the sight. She ignores the other girl calling out for her.

 _Mom, can fix this,_ she thinks. _Mom, can make her better._

Clarke’s thinking is interrupted though. The thinking is interrupted by the kicking. The small foot that is letting her know, they are still in there. They are still there. _Lexa’s baby…Levi… is still there._

_Raven is next to me, and Abby will fix her._

_Octavia is outside the car. Octavia is calling me Griffin. Octavia is my fighter._

Clarke doesn’t realize that she is not just thinking, but the words are coming out, as she lays still pressing her had to feel the kicking. But she doesn’t feel it anymore, because she loses consciousness as Ryder’s face peaks into the car to see his sibling’s wife and daughter in distress.

**~Lexa~**

Lexa let the girls all go to Costco on their own. They had a paper to write for their Master’s degree that was due by midnight. They had begged Clarke the night before to help them type the paper, however, she had only smirked and told them that by practicing typing they would only get better. She apparently had still not gotten over the lack of punctuation and capitalization in all other their messages.

Their phone buzzed. It was Ryder.

 _I don’t have time brother._ Lexa hit the sleep button, which sent him to voicemail.

Returning their attention to the screen, the cursor flashed at them. Each blink a mocking taunt, reminding them, _you can’t do this._

“I know!” they shout at the screen, but the phone rings again. This time it is Octavia.

“Not now,” they say to the phone, and they hit the sleep button again.

Before they can even look at the computer screen, the phone is ringing again.

_Ryder, again?_

Ryder never calls twice in a row. Ryder never calls twice in a row, even after being sent to voicemail.

The phone rings.

It rings again.

Hesitantly, they slide their finger over the answer bar on the touch screen. They don’t even get to say, “Hello.”

No, Ryder is talking. Ryder is talking fast, and his voice is cracking. And a girl is crying with him. It takes Lexa a moment to realize that its Octavia that is crying.

_But Octavia is with Clarke and Raven._

However, Octavia is with Ryder. And Ryder is trying to talk, but he can’t. He is trying to say something. Or maybe he was talking, but Lexa couldn’t process what he was saying. They can’t accept the words, so their mind washes each time he says the word ‘accident’ away. But he says is a few times.

“…accident…” they hear through the phone.

_Accident?_

“Are you okay?” Lexa asks, believing they heard that he was in an accident

_But then why is Octavia there, and why is she crying._

_…_

_Octavia was with Clarke and Raven_.

…

“…accident… Clarke…”

…

_Octavia was with Clarke and Raven. Clarke… accident…_

They drop the phone, and run towards the door. It takes a moment to find the keys to the Audi, but they remember that they were in the basket. The basket where the keys always were. The basket that Clarke was so expected about, because it said keys on it.

They freeze before the basket, as their fingers ran over the Olaf key chain. Above the table in their entryway, we the picture. The picture Lincoln had took. Clarke is in the center. Clarke is in the center on their lap. She’s in the center on their lap, and her belly had just begun to pop, and they were pointing to where Levi was.

_Levi._

Seven months. Seven months is too soon. Levi is in Clarke. Clarke was in an accident. But Levi is in Clarke, so Levi was in an accident. Levi is just a baby. Babies are not supposed to be in accidents.

 _Octavia was crying_.

Octavia was in an accident with Clarke. Clarke and Octavia were in an accident, but Octavia is okay, because she was with Ryder. Their baby, until Levi comes out. Octavia is their baby. Their first baby. Octavia was crying.

Why wasn’t Raven crying with Octavia? Where was Raven? _My Raven._ Raven was in an accident with Clarke and Octavia and Levi. Raven wasn’t crying. But neither was Clarke. They look at Raven’s bright smile in the photo. They see how her dark eyes are not looking at the camera. No Raven is looking over at Clarke and them; she is smiling at her parents.

They are still looking at the photo, when they felt the hands on their arms. They turn to see the pregnant woman that is not their wife. Luna is speaking, but they can’t hear her. They can tell she is saying their name. Its in the way her lips move. She is holding onto them.

 _Why is she holding me?_ They are growing angry, because they should be going. They should be getting in the car. They have to get to Clarke. They have to get to Raven and Clarke. They have to kiss Levi through Clarke’s pale skin. It’s like kissing them both at once.

“Lexa,” its like a echoed voice from down the hall, but they heard her.

“Lexa,” she says to them again.

Lexa looks at the woman, the woman who is pregnant and is not Clarke. Because Clarke was in an accident. “Clarke was in an accident,” they say, and she nods.

_Why is she nodding?_

“I know, Lex,” she says, and they glare at her.

 _How could she know?_ She doesn’t know. Clarke isn’t hers. Clarke holds the sun inside of her. Clarke is teaching Levi to be the sun as well, and Raven is going to teach Levi how to build a car someday. Because Raven is a genius. And Clarke and Raven and Levi were in an accident.

“Lex, I am going to drive you to the hospital where they are taking Clarke and Raven,” Luna says, and she is taking their keys.

 _She can’t have the keys!_ And they pull the keys back in their hands. They have to get to the hospital because Clarke and Raven and Levi were in an accident. Luna needs to let them get to the hospital.

But then she is yelling at them, and her hand collapses against their cheek. It stings, no fuck stings; that shit burned. They glare at her, and a simple thought sneaks into their mind: _How does Clarke enjoy that?_

“Lexa Trikru-Griffin, cut the shit, give me the fucking keys so we can get to the hospital,” Luna yells, spit flying from her lips and hitting them subtly in the face.

Lexa doesn’t move to give them to her, but they don’t fight her this time when she takes them. They stand still though, and they look at her. Everything hurts. Everything hurts because Raven and Clarke and Levi were in an accident.

“Luna,” they whisper, and tears are starting to fall. Tears are starting to fall, and they don’t know how to stop them.

_Because…_

Luna has her arm in theirs and she is pulling them to the Audi.

_Why didn’t they take the Audi?_

Luna has their door open and she is pushing them into the seat. She leans over them and there is a _click_ , as the seatbelt is snapped in place.

_Because what if something happened to one of them._

The car _dings_ with the push of the start button, and the engine is humming softly. They feel the vibration under their feet.

_What if Clarke is… No._

Luna is adjusting the seat and the mirrors because she is smaller than Lexa is. But then she stops moving. She stops moving, because the car is backing up, and she is watching where she is backing up.

_Raven is going to be okay…But what if she isn’t…_

They are moving forward, and the buildings are passing, but they can’t see them. They can’t see them, because they can only see her smiling face. They can only see her huge bright smile on the day the judge made her theirs. Made her theirs and Clarkes. Made Raven, their and Clarke’s baby legally.

_What if Levi…_

The tears were falling again, and they though of the last appointment. They thought about how Clarke had told the doctor that the gender didn’t matter, because their baby was going to be Levi. Their baby, Clarke and their baby, was Levi.

It didn’t matter what their anatomy was.

Because Clarke knew.

Clarke knew that it would mean something to them. It would mean something to them, that she would not gender their child until Levi knew who they were.

_Levi…_


	2. Sometimes the story begins in the middle.

**~Ryder~**

The warm April air was warming his arms slightly, but over all the air was clear and tolerable. He had just been enjoying his day, clocking speeding cars, when he saw the Prius drive by. The sound is what drew his attention, but he hadn’t expected to see the Prius on its side.

As the officer that responded to the call, Ryder should be the one taking Octavia’s statement; however, he is almost as incapacitated as his niece. His precious niece that has already lost a parent, and now is scared she will lose another, or a sister, or a sibling she never got to know. She was screaming and hanging out of the windshield when he arrived. He thought she was thrown from the car, but she was screaming at Clarke, trying to wake her up.

Clarke, his sister-in-law.

Clarke, the love of Lexa’s life.

Clarke, the woman carrying Lexa’s baby.

Clarke, the woman carrying the baby that he helped create.

The fire department arrived, as he was pulling Octavia from the window. She was screaming still, fighting him to get back into the car where her mother and sister were still strapped into the front seats. He held her back, kicking and hitting him, as the firemen and paramedics negotiated their way into the car. He held her flailing form, while they pried away the top of the white Prius that Lexa hated.

“Let me go,” the teen screamed. He wrapped his arms around the girl tighter, holding her on the ground.

Another officer had arrived and was coming to help him, but he nodded them away. The officer looked at him in confusion, but he said, “She’s my niece.” The officer’s eyes widened and he took a glance back at the car.

“Lexa?” he asked, but Ryder shook his head quickly. “Clarke?” he asked, and Ryder fought the tears back as he nodded again.

“I got you brother,” the officer told him, and turned away to start cut off.

Ryder sat, holding Octavia who stopped moving as she watched the paramedics moving Raven onto the stretcher. He heard her choke out, “Ray,” in no louder than a whisper.

He pulls her into him, burying his face into her wild ebony locks. He realizes that she smells just like Clarke, and it tugs at him in an indescribable way. It was like he was watching his family being torn apart at the seams.

“My girls,” he heard from over the chatter of the fire fighters. Then louder, “Where are my girls?”

He looked up to see the blonde, fighting the hands that were trying to hold her down.

“Miss, I need you to lay down so I can examine you before we transport you,” the female paramedic was telling her, but Clarke was still struggling against them. He saw the other paramedic start to fill a syregine with something that would make Clarke relax.

He didn't want them to inject her, or Levi, so they let the teen go. It didn’t take her more than a moment to realize he wasn’t holding her anymore, and she was up and out of his lap. She was making a beeline to the stretcher that her mother was laying on.

“Mom,” she screamed as she moved over to the stretcher. She turned to the paramedic, and swore at him, “You will not pump that shit into my fucking mother, or I swear to everything that I will fucking break your wrist.”

The paramedic was frozen at the girl’s words, as the other took their hands off of Clarke. Turning her attention back to her mother, Octavia fell onto the woman’s chest, sobbing.

“O,” Clarke said, “O, where’s Raven?”

Octavia was holding on tightly to her mother, as though if she released her, the woman would disappear.

“Ma’am, we need to get you to the hospital and get you and your baby checked out for something we can’t see,” the paramedic tried again.

Ryder was now at her side, “Clarke,” and she turned to look at them. Her pupils were blown and alert. He could tell she was scared.

“Ryder, where is Raven?” she asked him this time, her hand reaching out to him, while the other held Octavia to her.

He took a deep breath before he explained, “Raven was hurt, Clarke. They took her first.”

“Call my mom,” she instructed, entirely too calm for the look in her eyes. “Tell my mom; she can fix her. She’s going to be okay. Raven is going to be okay, baby,” and she shifted her focus from him to Octavia. She leaned her head back to the stretcher, and without warning, her body began to convulse.

Ryder pulled the teen from her as the paramedics shifted the small woman. As they turned her, he could see where her shirt was pulled up revealing the protruding skin where Levi was.

“Mom!” the teen was screaming again, but then there were more hands on her, and Ryder turned to see the boy that had always protected the girl pulling her into him. He wasn’t sure where he came from, or how he made it through the perimeter line. Looking back over his shoulder, he saw the other officer coming to pull Lincoln away, but he waved him back.

“He’s my nephew,” Ryder explained.

The officer huffed, “are you related to everyone in this town?”

Ryder smiled briefly, “Almost,” but then the reality of what had happened returned. When he turned to where Clarke had been, he realized that she was now gone. Loaded into the back of the bus, whose doors were being shut. They were on their way to the hospital.

He looked around the street corner, and for the first time he realized that the Prius was the only car in the intersection. The Prius was on it’s side, in the center of the intersection, and the side that Raven had been seated, was crunched inwards. There was no way that the car had rolled and bent at that angle alone.

He turned to Octavia, and asked, “O, baby, what happened.”

She turned to look at him, her makeup smeared across her face. He realized that she was covered in minor scrapes. Her eyes were shaken, and she seemed to be trying to focus.

“Octavia, can you tell me what happened?” he tried again.

She shook her head, but then started speaking like she couldn’t stop. “I just.... we were singing. She saw you and she realized she was speeding, so she started swearing and she was slowing down. Raven was making fun of her… “

Tears are flowing again, as she chokes on Raven’s name, “Oh god Raven… but then she was leaning back and she was smiling at me, and she told me she was going to build us the best car, because Nontu said they would get us a car. That Raven and them were going to rebuild it. Because they didn’t want us to drive the Prius. They said the Prius is a death trap… They… Someone needs to call them. Someone needs to call Nontu… Uncle Ryder… Raven… she’s not. She can’t be dead. Please-“

Lincoln’s hands were around her again, and he was pulling her into their chest. “Raven is going to be fine, O, she is going to be fine,” the boy tries to sooth her.

Ryder took a deep breath, “Ray will be okay, O. I need to know though. Octavia did another car hit you?”

The girl was nodding.

“It his the side Raven was on,” she said. Then she added, “she was looking at me. She didn’t see the car coming, because she was turned around and she was looking at me. She was looking at me, and she was turned in her seat. She was smiling. She was smiling, and I saw the truck. I saw the truck coming… And she was smiling. She said she would build us the best car, and then everything spun.”

Ryder nodded, and the girl was sobbing again. He looked at the boy, and said, “Take her to Thunderbird. Abby is on shift, and that’s where they took Ray and Clarke.” Lincoln nodded, but it took him a few moments to get Octavia to move. Ryder walked with them, as they called Lexa, but they were sent to voicemail.

“Hold up,” he tells Lincoln, and he pulls Octavia’s phone from her pocket. He tries again from her number, but again they were sent to voicemail. “Where is your Nontu,” he asks no one really, but Octavia answered him.

“They had homework…that’s why they didn’t go to the store with us,” she said, tears still falling.

He tried from his phone again, but this time they answered. He heard the hesitancy in Lexa’s voice as he tried to explain. But then the lie went dead.

He dialed his fiancé. “Luna,” he said, before the woman could even provide him a getting.

“Si, Ryder,” her voice was scratching, and he could tell she had been resting. A sense of relief over took him hearing her voice and knowing she was safe.

 He explained that the girls were in an accident, and then, “Luna, I need you to go get Lexa. Don’t let them drive. I need them to get there safely.”

“Is Clarke?”

“Si, pero she had a seizure. ” he answered, falling into his broken Spanglish.

There was silence at the end of the line for a few moments, and then he heard her whisper, “Levi?”

He choked on the sob that had been threatening to break through. He felt his lung collapsing, as he embraced the reality that Levi could be hurt. He had never questioned that Levi was Lexa’s child, but Levi was apart of him. And the thought that Levi was hurt was breaking him.

“I don’t know,” he admitted.

**~Abby~**

Abby had been at Thunderbird for a few months now, having finally fought the board to return her license. She was enjoying the change of scenery, and the Arizona sunshine was a much-needed change from the continuously clouded region of Seattle. Her shift was ending, when her cell alerted her of an emergency coming in. Pulling her scrub shirt back on, she pushed from the surgeon’s locker room, and took the elevator down to the ER.

She expected an emergency; she didn’t expect the emergency to be the tanned Hispanic teen that still periodically came over and curled up on her couch for Gram-Ray time. She didn’t expect her granddaughter to be on her side, with a large piece of metal sticking out from an area far to close to her spine for comfort.

But then she saw the next gurney come in with the one face that had haunted her for years. They had placed a tube down her throat, and the paramedics were calling out instructions as they pressed the air into her lungs. She searched and found the monitor that was placed around her daughter’s abdomen.

The line rose and feel steadily for now, so Levi was still getting oxygen, but it was clear that Clarke was unresponsive.

“Griffin, we need you here,” one of the doctors called from where Raven was. As she approached, she questioned if she should disclose who the kid was.

“We have an adolescent female. Stats normal, but heavy blood loss…” Abby really wasn’t listening. She didn’t need to know most of what the intern was rattling off to demonstrate their knowledge to their attending. She moved down to take in the metal that was lodged three inches below the left of her spine, just a few centimeters below her thirteenth rib.

“Xrays show that the-“ but Abby is tearing the iPad from the interns hands, and scanning through the images.

“We have a live one,” a nurse says. It's a code. It's a code for the fact that the patient is awake.

Abby pushes forward, as the nurse is asking the teen her name. “Raven, baby,” she says.

Raven blinks a few time, and her eyes begin to lighten in understanding, “I was looking at Octavia. Nontu said they were going to buy us a car for them and me to build, and I was turned around. I was telling Octavia that it would be bad ass.”

Abby ran her fingers gently over the girl’s hair as she spoke.

“I was excited and then Octavia was screaming. And the car turned, and Mom… Mom, her head it hit the window…” Raven’s voice was starting to break apart.

Her eyes were filling up, and Abby could tell she didn’t want to ask the question, so she answered for the girl, “She is in the next room, baby. She is alive and Levi’s heart is beating as well.” Raven’s eyes overflowed, as Abby explained that her mother and little baby Levi were still very much alive.

“Gram?” the girl said, and the attending gave Abby a stern glare that she waved away.

“Yes, Ray?”

She didn’t say anything for a few moments, and Abby could tell she was gathering her courage. Abby held her breath, unprepared for anything the girl could say.

Raven licked her lips, as she stated, “I can’t feel my legs.”

Abby swallowed the lump in her throat, and ran her gloved thumb under the girl’s eye to wipe away the tears, “Okay, baby. I am going to fix you up, and I am going to call your Aunt Callie to come help me out, because we may have to do a few different things to make the owies all better again.”

Raven choked, and she actually rolled her eyes. The teen with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of her back literally rolled her eyes. “I’m not five, Gram. This is not an owie.”

Abby laughed lightly, “I know baby. I know.” She looked to the attending, who was holding a syringe into the line they had already placed in the girl. She gave a soft nod, and the doctor slowly pushed in the liquid.

Running her finger over the girl’s hair again, she whispered, “Okay, Ray Ray, you are going to rest now, while I get to work.”

Raven didn’t have time to respond before the drugs took over. Abby stayed where she was, to make sure that Raven was completely out before moving back to her wound.

“Griffin, I cannot let you preform this procedure,” the attending stated.

Shooting up to glare at him, Abby stared him down until his stare broke. Carefully, she stood to her full height, and stated, “I am the best surgeon in this hospital. You would be stupid to think I would let anyone else make sure that my granddaughter will walk again.”


	3. But really every moment is a new beginning, so the middle is the beginning, or something like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I realized I can't add. It is April, not February, since Clarke was three months along at Christmas.

**~Clarke~**

Clarke was laying on the bed, with Lexa along her side. They had the buttery lotion, and were rubbing it into her abdomen. The massage felt good, so good that Clarke wanted more. She wanted more pressure, more sensation, more Lexa. But Lexa wasn’t interest.

Lexa hadn’t been interested in a few weeks, after a few spots had shown against the pale green sheets of their bed.

Lexa hadn’t been interested since they got off the phone with Arizona, who told them that they would have to be gentle with her.

Gentle equals no sex.

No sex equals very frustrated Clarke.

Very frustrated Clarke equals very tense house.

“Please, Lexi,” she pleads softly, guiding Lexa’s hand to the space between her legs. But Lexa pulls back, and is shaking their head. Clarke knows the battle is already lost, and she can’t even manage herself, since she cant reach around her belly to dip her own digits within her aching core.

Lexa moved from the bed and into the bathroom, where they returned the lotion to its place. As they returned, they looked at the clearly angry Clarke and tried to justify their lack of touch, “Its not safe, Clarke. Arizona said that it could cause you to go into labour prematurely. We did all that research and you know that there is a chance for learning disabilities if Levi comes to soon.”

Clarke knows of the research; she was the one that did a majority of it. She knows of the risks, but something in the back of her mind is telling her that Lexa doesn’t want her and is looking for reasons not to have to touch her.

An old feeling of inadequacy had gradually settled within her being. She heard its whisper every time Lexa’s hands only touched the ever-stretching skin. Every time that Lexa kiss her stomach but forgot to kiss her. Every time they pulled away from touching or being touched, because they ‘didn’t want things to get out of hand.’

Clarke looked down at where the life within her was stretching her in what she considered unflattering angles. Had Lexa lost interest in her because she wasn’t as fit as she use to be? Who was she kidding though, exercise was not a word in Clarke’s vocabulary. She had never been fit by Lexa’s standards.

But now everything was different.

Now she wasn’t just carrying a few pounds over average. Now her feet hurt consistently, and she was waddling like a duck because Trikru blood made huge babies. And Lidia wasn’t joking when she said that because if it wasn’t for the fact that they knew the day that Levi was conceived, the doctors would guess that the conception date was sooner just by Levi’s size alone.

It almost made her want a C-section, looking at the size of that kid's head. But Lexa wanted her to bond with Levi immediately. Wanted her to get the instant release of oxytocin that comes from pushing a human being from her vagina. And Clarke would do anything for Lexa.

… _”Clarke Griffin”…_

The voice caused her to jump a little, but she settled back into Lexa’s embrace. She needed to talk with Lexa about them withholding sex. She needed them to understand that she needed them.

“Lexa,” she started.

… _”Miss Griffin can you hear me?”…_

She turned and looked at Lexa, a glare that was meant to kill them for calling her by her maiden name. But Lexa was gone; gone like they had never been there.

Clarke looked around the room that they had created for her. She saw the bed, the tables and the bay window where her easel and paints were set. Everything was where it should be, but something was missing.

“Lexa?” she called out, but the house was eerily quiet.

She looked at the pictures on the walls, and realized something was missing. Getting up, she approached the wall, looking over the photos of her and her daughters. But Lexa was missing. Every photo where Lexa should be, they were not.

… _”Miss Griffin? Can you open your eyes for me”…_

 The voice sounded like it was coming from down a tunnel, but it was all around her. She turned, one hand holding to her belly.

“Lexa,” she called again, and tears were beginning to pool. Where was Lexa? Why weren’t they there with her?

… _”Miss Griffin, I need you to open your eyes for me”…_

She could feel her heart beginning to race. Why was she hearing voices? And where was Lexa?

Beep. Beep. Beep. Bep.Bep. Bp.Bp.

… _”Heartrate is elevated”…_

The tears were streaming, and she made her way to the door. Turning the handle, she threw open the door, but found nothing but darkness. Not a dark hallway, that would lead to Levi’s room.

Just darkness.

No floor.

No walls.

_…”Clarke, baby, I need you to stay with me.”…_

She turned back to the room, but she was met with more darkness. So much darkness that she couldn’t see anything.

When someone needs to think, they have to stop being able to see. She knows this so she closes her eyes. She closes her eyes, and tries to think, but instead she hears.

… _”Dr. Griffin, I need you to back away.”…_

She hears people moving. She feels hands probing and pushing on her body. She feels pain radiating from somewhere.

… _”She’s my daughter; you will not tell me what to do.”…_

“Mom?” she says, or at least she thinks she says it. But she is not sure because something is in her mouth. Something is holding her tongue in place. Its hard, and she is trying to breath, but its fighting her. Its fighting her, because she is trying to exhale the words, but she can’t because something is forcing air into her lungs, like she is drowning. She is drowning in oxygen.

She knows she can’t speak, so she tries to see.

Her lashes flutter open, but have to close because there is so much light. So much light beating down on her.

“She’s awake,” someone says, and then the light is lessened. She can tell because the red glow behind her eye lids is not dark. She doesn’t want to be in the dark anymore though, so she tries to open her eyes again.

This time she sees Abby just over her. Abby’s eyes are concerned, and Clarke tries to speak but something is stopping her tongue. She can’t move her tongue, and then she is drowning on air again, because she wants to breath. She wants to breath, but something is making it so she can’t.

“Clarke,” Abby says her name, and it calms her a little, but not enough. “Clarke, they had to put a tube in your throat to help you breath.”

Her eyes are spilling over, and she realizes she hadn’t stopped crying from before. And with her tears comes the snot, and then she is choking. She is choking because they are putting air in her lungs, and she can’t get it back out, but they are putting more air in.

Abby’s not looking at her anymore, she is talking to someone else, “We need to get the tube out. She is choking.” But then she is looking back at Clarke, but Clarke is fighting the hands on her. She is fighting, because she needs to breath, and she can’t.

“Clarke, breath out for me hard when I say three,” and Clarke can see Abby’s hands are next to her mouth.

“One,” and she tells herself she can do this.

“Two,” and she tries to hold on for just one more second.

“Three,” and she coughs, and as the tube is pulled from her throat. She coughs and chokes out the all the air that was stuck inside of her.

And then she pukes.

She turns and pukes in the direction that Abby is standing. She pukes because the air must have leaked into her stomach.

The vomit lands all over the bed, and she sees that some has hit Abby as well, who rolls her eyes. Because this isn’t the first time Clarke has puked on Abby. In fact as a child Clarke puked on Abby often.

“Old habits don’t die, huh?” the woman asks, with a slight look of annoyance.

Clarke looks at Abby, and tries to talk but it hurts too much. All she can get out is, “Lexa?”

Abby’s hand is in her hair, as she tells the woman, “They’re coming.” Her mother looks away for a minute, then back at Clarke. “I need you to stay awake for when they get here. Can you do that for me?”

Clarke nods, she knows that there is something she is forgetting, but can’t figure out what it is.

Abby doesn’t let her forget though, “Clarke, baby, you were in an accident.”

_Accident. Prius._

“You are in the hospital. Levi seems to be doing okay right now, and Octavia is in the waiting room with Lincoln,” Abby explains.

_Accident. Prius. Octavia in the windshield._

The tears flood, because she remembers Octavia in the windshield. She remembers the teen calling her Griffin. She remembers that Octavia was in the windshield.

And then she remembers Raven.

Clarke is pushing at the hands on her. She is fighting to get out of the bed. But Abby knows what she knows. Abby knows where her mind has gotten to.

“Raven is hurt, Clarke,” and Clarke stops because Abby is going to tell her what happened to her daughter.

Abby takes a deep breath, and then states, ”Raven is hurt and she is on her way to surgery. I am going to be there with her. She was hurt in her back.”

She can’t stop the tears from flowing. She hurt her daughter. She hurt her baby that had already lived through so much pain. Raven can’t be hurt. Raven hadn’t even gotten a year of happiness. They had just celebrated her birthday. Raven was going to graduate in a month. She couldn’t be hurt.

But Abby’s hands were holding her head, and Clarke was searching for answers in her eyes.

“I am going to go make it so your baby is okay. But I need you to calm down, and I need you to stay awake for Lexa. Can you do that?”

She nods, because it hurts to speak.

“Stop fighting everyone,” Abby says again, and Clarke nods.

Abby removes her hands and she starts to move away, but Clarke reaches out and grabs it. The mother turns to look at her daughter.

“Please… its my fault,” Clarke hoarsely whispers.

Abby moves back and hugs her daughter awkwardly on the bed. Clarke is still crying, lighter now, but still crying.

“I will take care of her, you need to take care of Levi,” her mother tells her. And she remembers. She remembers that Levi is in her. Levi is in her, and they were in an accident.

**~Octavia~**

She was pacing in the waiting room, when Lexa bustled through the automatic door. Lexa hadn’t seen her yet, because they went straight to the information counter, and was yelling at the nurse that their wife and daughter were brought in.

“Trikru-Griffin. Clarke and Raven Trikru-Griffin,” they are saying, but the security officer is just telling them they need to calm down.

Lexa looks murderous, and Lincoln moves from Octavia’s side. He is holding onto Lexa’s arms within a moment. Holding the thinly build teacher from pulling the chubby man in a white polyester button up across the table so that they could pummel him for standing in their way of getting to their family.

They turn to look at the boy holding them, and then she sees them looking for her. She watches as the green eyes that her mother loves so much are scanning the crowd of sniffling, bleeding, and choking people in search of her.

When they find her, they abandon the douchey guard and are in front of her. Lexa has their hands over Octavia’s ears, and they are moving her head and checking her eyes. They move their hands down to her arms, and they are searching her arms, taking in all of the cuts and scraps. The pull at her shirt, and make it so they can see her abdomen, checking her skin.

They don’t say a word as they look her over. They are too busy making sure she is safe. They notice her knee is cut, and they begin to fume nonverbally, as they drop down and pull the jeans away to look at it. Until now, Octavia hadn’t really noticed it.

“You need stitches,” they say, but as back on their feet with their arms around her.

Octavia falls into the embrace, and her body starts to feel like jelly because her nontu is here. She nontu is here to make things all better.

“There was a truck…” she starts, but Lexa is shushing her.

“We will have time for that later,” they say, holding her close to them, “You’re safe.”

She exhales, and she can feel the adrenaline in her system fading. She was losing her energy quickly.

“Raven was hurt,” she says, and Lexa is pulling back and looking at her. _They don’t know,_ she realizes.

“Raven was hurt, because the truck hit her side,” she explained. “They took her first, and she didn’t wake up when they took her. She had metal in her back. They cut her out of the car.” She spoke in short sentences just trying to get the words out.

“She was turned around looking at me, and then the car was on its side. She was hurt. I climbed out of the back window. They cut the top of the car off. They had to cut it off to get Mom and Raven.”

Lexa’s eyes are hard, but they are listening to her. They always listened to her. She doesn’t know how but she is now sitting in the uncomfortable chairs and Lexa is sitting beside her. They are holding on to her hands, and she feels safe.

“Your mother,” they say, and its more like they are too afraid to ask her.

Octavia sucks back a sob, “She came too when they were pulling her out. She was fighting them,” and she watched as Lexa smiled for a moment. “She was fighting them because she was looking for Ray and me, and Uncle Ryder let me go to her. And she said that Gram will fix Raven and that she was okay.”

Lexa heaved out a breath of relief, and Octavia questioned if she should tell them the rest. But they saw it in her eyes.

“What happened next, O?”

She looked down at their hands, wondering if they would pull away. Wondering if this was too much. They had adopted her. They had promised to be her parent.

But if Clarke died…

If something happened to Clarke…

What if they wouldn’t want her anymore?

“Octavia?”

She cried now; she cried as she told them that Clarke had a seizure. She gripped their hands tighter, trying to force them to stay with her. Trying to make it so they couldn’t leave her. But they pulled their hands away.

New hands found her. They were the same comforting hands that had held her through many rough moments, but they weren’t Lexa hands. Because Lexa’s hands were now gone. Because Lexa had left her.

Her sobs grew frantic, and she lost the ability to hold on. She lost the ability to open her eyes, because darkness was everywhere. Darkness was everywhere and within her.

Because she was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fluff will come. Just not yet.


	4. Every moment becomes a memory... but each memory is still apart of the present because its still too real.

**~Lexa~**

The desk labeled information was their goal again for the second time. These people could not keep them or Octavia from seeing Clarke and Raven. They could not keep those two precious women hidden from them. This was 2015, and they were married to Clarke Trikru-Griffin.

They growled at the nurse again, “My wife and my daughter were both brought in by ambulance. Please tell me where me and my other daughter can find them.”

The nurse looked them over, shaking her head slightly. She began, “I’m sorry, Miss, but-“

Lexa slammed their hand to the desk, stopping the woman from speaking.  Their eyes were stone and jaw set as they watched the woman gulp back her words. Slowly, Lexa states, “I do not care for your apologies. My wife and my daughter are behind those doors.” The woman doesn’t flinch, so Lexa tried a different approach. “Have you met Dr. Abigail Griffin?”

The woman’s steal blue eyes squinted slightly, but then nodded.

“She is the mother of my wife.”

And that pulled a reaction from the woman. “Clarke?” she asked, and it was Lexa’s turn to nod.

“Clarke Trikru-Griffin,” Lexa says softer this time seeing that the woman was softer now with the recognition. “Please, she was in an accident with my daughters. My daughter Raven was brought in as well.”

Behind them, they hear Lincoln’s desperate voice, “Octavia?” and then, “Lexa!” Lexa turned slowly to see the boy holding the unconscious and moving quickly towards them.

Lexa inhales deeply, and they freeze. They freeze as they realize that their world is falling apart. The world does not freeze though, as they are pushed out of the way. Nurses are pushing a bed out from behind the doors and Lincoln was setting Octavia on the bed. There are bodies around her, and Lincoln is holding on to her hand, still talking to her. They see the nurses and possibly a doctor checking their daughter. Lincoln meets their eyes, and they find their voice, “You have her?”

The boy nods. Without a second thought they ran through the still open doors. They take a turn, and they are yelling.

With each foot fall on the pastel yellow floor, they call out.

“Clarke!”

The blood drums in their ears as they take another turn, checking each curtained area as they go.

“Clarke!” they cry out again. But this time there was a response.

“Lexa.” It was hoarse, but there was no doubt it was their sun. They run towards the sound, knowing they can’t be far.

“Clarke!”

“Polo,” she says to them, and they are almost there. Tears running down their faces as they make it to the last curtain, as the blonde says again, “Polo, Lex. Polo.”

Throwing back the curtain, they find the blonde laying back in the slightly elevated bed reaching out for them.

“Clarke,” they say again, taking the final few steps to the blonde. With each step the look over her small form hidden behind the swollen belly. Their head is buried into her chest before they finished examining her injuries.

Lexa feels the soft fingers grazing their scalp, as they release their emotions into the blonde’s chest. Gradually they gather their nerves, and pull back from Clarke’s arms. Taking her face in their hands, they press a kiss to each of the cuts that mark her beautiful face.

“Clarke,” the whisper between kisses. “I was so scared.”

Clarke nods, and they see how the fear buried in her eyes. She whispers hoarse, and they realize that her throat is hurting her, “Raven is in surgery. My mom…” and she coughs slightly reaching up to touch her throat.

“It’s okay, Prisa,” they say holding her cheek in their hand.

“O?” the woman asks, searching for news of their other daughter.

Lexa shook their head. Gradually, they say, “She collapsed in the waiting room. They wouldn’t let me in. Lincoln was with her and the doors were open so I ran to find you.”

Clarke’s eyes are now overflowing. She is trying to speak, but her sobs are choking her. They hold her face in their hands, begging her, “Breath, Prisa. I will go find O but I need you to breath.”

They held their wife, and then something caught their attention. As her breath began to settle, they moved a hand down to where Levi was encased. Without breaking eye contact, they press their lips to their child and lips. They hear the rapid beeps of the small monitor that told them their baby was still alive.

Once they pulled out of the kiss, they held Clarke’s hand for a moment longer and said, “I’m going to go and find our baby.”

Clarke nodded, her eyes beginning to fill again. But Lexa shook their head, begging her, “No tears, Prisa. I will be right back.” Lexa took their time in letting go of their wife’s hand as they ran from room to room again, this time in search of their daughter.

When they find her, the girl is asleep in a bed, connected to a few monitors with Lincoln and Charles Trikru sitting by the girls bedside. They approach the bed, and Lincoln meets them with a frustrated glare.

“What happened?” they ask softly, not wanting to wake the girl

Lincoln clenched his jaw and gripped the chair. The shift in the boy was confusing because he had been so calm only a few minutes prior. They graze their fingers over the teen’s manicured hand.

“She was scared,” the boy grunts out. Lexa glances in his direct but their gaze is caught by his grinding teeth and locked look on the ground. “She was scared because she just saw her mother and sister loaded into ambulances and you left her.”

Lexa absorbed the words. _You left her._

“I had to…” they start but stop as he pushes up from his seat.

His dark eyes locked on them, as he growls again, “You left her when she was terrified and she shut down because she thinks you abandoned her.”

They are locked in a stare down, when another gruff voice comes from the curtain.

“Enough, son,” Indra stated, pulling all eyes to the woman dressed in fatigues. She stood out against the blue curtain that created the minimal isolation for the occupants.

The boy exhaled in frustration and took his seat again. The chair creaked under his bulk of muscle, and Lexa shifted their gaze back to Octavia. She was covered in minor cuts and abrasions, but overall she looked as though she were tucked into her bed all those nights that they checked on her.

“Is Clarke near by?” Indra asked, and Lexa nodded, not pulling their eyes from their slumbering daughter.

“Down the hall at the end,” they say. Then they then add, “She is awake. They are both okay.” They don’t see Indra nod, but they hear her take her leave, then Charles excused himself.

Lincoln is still huffing out his anger, but Lexa doesn’t care at this point. The bed is large compared to the girl contained within. Moving the guard bar down, they gently slide into the bed beside the girl.

_I’m never letting you go, O._

**~Abby~**

Operating rooms are cold; their surfaces all shiny and sterile. The setting is ideal for operations in regards to sanitation; however, the environment is too unsympathetic for the girl laying on the table within this particular one. The chill leaves no room for emotion. No room for the reality that the body on the table is a person.

In order to be a surgeon, the individual has to be sterile and often times callous. Abby knows these things. She had spent her entire adult life mastering the pitiless mentality that was needed within the room.

But today was different.

Because it was not a body on the table.

It was the toffee colored girl that had called her an ice queen the day they met. A title that was painfully fitting. Appropriate because it was how she became great. Cool and calculated decisions helped her train and excel. Surpassing the emotional.

But Abby had thawed in large part due to the teen that had cuddled up into the overlarge hospital bed where Abby lay only a year prior.

The teen who had spent a life time looking for a family, and taught Abby the value of the person lay within their warmth, not their calculations and skill.

Abby stared through the glass watching the girl connected to tubes and machines, as she ran the nylon bristles along each of her fingers. One breathed for her. One measured her heart rate. One pumped blood into her.

She was grateful for the person that lay on a table to donate the blood that was now being distributed into her granddaughter. _I need to donate when I am done here_ , Abby noted.

Moving into the room, she hears the various machines keeping the frail framed girl alive. Her eyes do not shift from the sleeping eyes of her girl. She wonders if she is doing the right thing. She wonders if she is bringing in too much emotion into the sterile room.

With her gloves in place, she is not permitted to touch anything besides the tools that are laid out on the silver stands. But she realized that in her movements between the rooms of her daughter and her granddaughter, she forgot to call in the cavalry that she knew was going to be needed.

Glancing over at a nurse, she makes a request.

“Can you please dial the contact in my favorites labeled Callie.”

The nurse nods to her and follows the instructions, putting the call on speaker. The phone rang a few times, before the cheerful voice broke through the frozen air.

 _“Hello, traitor. Still enjoying hell?”_ Callie laughed at her own joke, but the words cut into Abby because she was presently in hell, trying to drag herself and Raven from its depths.

She can’t speak for a moment, and Callie picks up on the tension, _“Abs, what’s going on?”_

Abby sucked back the tears that were threatening to break through, knowing she needed to get started on probably the most dangerous surgery of her career. The cost of any mistake will lead to another life time of guilt and haunting dreams. Slowly she pulled herself together and began.

“Cal, I am standing next to Raven right now.”

She pauses, because she needs another breath, not having realized how difficult that prior sentence would be.

“Clarke and the girls were in an accident.” This time the coolness in her voice makes her think that the room is pulling the emotion from her, leaving her with nothing but stillness. Without a shift in emotion this time, Abby continued.

“Raven has a piece of metal lodged in her back lower back just below her ribs, along the edge of spine, and she is presently on my table.”

There is not a moment of hesitation from the voice on the other side of the phone, _“Abs, I’m getting on the plane.”_

“I have to take the piece out and stop her bleeding,” Abby explains, talking herself through her plan, more than telling Callie about what is going on.

She waits for Callie to respond, but this time it takes a moment. Abby hears Callie’s breathing thanks to the high definition speaker. However, Callie does come back to her. The voice is as even as hers, and she feels a sense of relief that Callie understands. She understands what it means to stand in this position.

“ _Griffin, I need you to remove the piece with doing as little shifting as possible. I will be there in a few hours, and then we will assess the next step.”_

Abby nodded, knowing that was what she needed to hear. She needed Callie to come and take over. Callie had defied the odds before, and Raven was going to need that. The girl had already lived through so much, survived immeasurable challenges.

But Abby was scared.

Scared that the girl was out of chances.

_“Griffin?”_

Abby sucked in a breath and responded to her friend, “Yes, Torres.”

_“You got this.”_

The encouragement actually did help. She turned away from the girl and looked to the phone. Taking one last chance she said, “Callie?”

_“Yeah, Ab?”_

“Can you see if Arizona will come too. I know Clarke is scared and I am sure Lexa is having a full melt down.”

There is another moment of silence. She knew that Arizona may not be able to get on the plane. Knew that she was asking for a lot.

_“I’ll see what I can do.”_

**~Octavia~**

The beeping it what wakes Octavia. The beeping reminds her of the apartment she lived with Bellamy and her mother. The apartment was small and she shared the one bedroom with her mother.

_The morning was hot, like every moment of a Phoenix summer. The Blake family had turned the air conditioning to 85 to keep the pre-pay electricity meter box from beeping the alert that the funds were running low. Octavia was eleven, and had learned that the beep was always a cause for stress in the house._

_But it beeped. And two minutes later it beeped again. Aurora wasn’t in the room at first, but she made an appearance at the taunting sound._

_Aurora stared at the beeping box, and Octavia could see the darkness settling behind her mother’s eyes. She knew the darkness was a sign that a new man would be making an appearance in their lives._

_Aurora’s income was erratic. She had depended on the second income from boyfriend number who knows, but after coming home to find her son with a black eye and her daughter hiding under her brother’s bed trying to be one with the floor she had enough._

_She through the good for nothing man out, changing the locks to the house itself. But that was only a week ago, and the beep sounding reminded them all that they had a day and a half max before the house would reach well beyond a hundred degrees._

_She cast her gaze over to where Bellamy sat at the wooden table. His eyes told her he knew what was coming as well._

_“Mom, I can go to the pizza shop. They always need someone to spin a sign,” Bellamy offered, but like always Aurora turned him down. Octavia knew that her mother was proud and wanted to provide for her children._

_But she was a product of a small town mentality that measured a woman’s worth by the man supporting her._

_“I want you to take Octavia to the rec center,” she explained, then added, “I’ll figure this out.”_

_Aurora hit the button that would turn the beeping off._

_But the beeping didn’t stop._

 

Beep… Beep… Beep…

Octavia’s lashes fluttered and she shifted on the bed. It took her a moment to realize where she was, and her breath caught as the accident came back to her. As she remembered the car tilting and dragging along the side that her and Clarke had been on. Then she noticed the warmth from the body in the bed with her.

Shifting her head, the room spun slightly. Octavia closed her eyes and waited for the equilibrium to return, feeling which direction was up and which was down.

Slowly she opened her eyes again, this time registering the brown curls, and then the warm fingers that were wrapped around hers.

A dull ache throbbed in her neck, as she locked eyes with the green stare watching her. They blinked, and she could tell they were waiting for her to speak.

“What-“ she started but didn’t finish because she remembered how Lexa had been there but then left her.

Lexa blinked. She could see them thinking, contemplating what to say.

“I lost it huh?” the teen asked.

Lexa nodded, but then said, “It was my fault. I left you to find your sister and mom. I didn’t realize that I needed to be there with you in the moment. I’m sorry. I didn’t know what to do.”

Octavia felt the tear sneak out. She tried to brush it away, but more fell. “Mom?”

“She’s okay. Scratched up, but okay.”

The girl sucked in air and held her breath. She wanted to calm down, but she couldn’t. The tears kept coming, and she choked on the thick mucus in her throat.

“She called… me her… fighter.” The words came out in almost a whisper.

 _Get it together!_ She screamed at herself.

Lexa’s hand tightened in hers, as they answered her sobs, “Because you are her fighter, baby.”

Finally her breathing slowed, and the tears began to dry. She moved to her side, and Lexa pulled her into their chest, running their fingers through her hair. She began to relax some, and the ache dulled. Turning her head up to see Lexa’s chin, she took in the softer side of the parent that was always so strong and put together.

“Nontu?”

Lexa moved and kissed her head, before humming a, “Si?”

“Can I go see Mom?” Lexa nodded as they pressed another kiss to the girl’s head.

When she moved to get out of the bed, she took in Lincoln sitting still in the chair watching the two of them. She smiled softly at her ultimate protector. He got up and helped her to her feet.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, his eyes taking in al of her rising bruises and scabbing cuts.

She smiled at him again, and said, “Sore.”

He nodded, and helped her move from the curtained area with Lexa only a few feet to her side.

“This way,” they said, moving down the hall of curtained rooms.

 

 


	5. Memories are inconsistent though... Some get twisted or abandoned...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to say I am sorry in advance.

**~Raven~**

_Summer was closing for most of the country, but in Arizona the heat was beating down on the squat apartments behind the Walmart. There was no electricity in crumbling room that her mother had moved them too. There were the usual characters that constantly came and went, while Lillian lay dazed on the couch. Her dark skin glistened with sweat and the rubber band was still laying on the dingy, burned couched. Tristan was on the floor nearby, his eyes closed as he enjoyed the oblivious high Lillian had shared with him._

_Raven had moved silently from the back bedroom to the kitchen. She didn’t want to look at them, but such misery commanded notice. She moved to Lillian and pulled the cigarette that was on the verge of burning down to her fingertips. It wouldn’t be the first time she saved the house from catching fire, and the chocolate haired teen shook her head thinking that it wouldn’t be the last._

_Putting out the cancer stick, she returned her focus to the hope for food in the kitchen. Luck was not with her though because as always the cabinet was empty, and she shivered as she watched a cockroach run across the shelf at her eye level. Her stomach grumbled, but her mind knew it was a pointless pursuit. She moved carefully the apartment out into the beating sun._

_The trip to Walmart was momentary, and the burst of cold air was welcoming. The elder woman nodded to her in greeting, and she responded with her own smile. She made sure to make eye contact, because it was the ones that didn’t that were looked at with suspicion._

_Raven took her time moving through the store. There was always a site to be seen in the building. She noticed a blonde woman near the school supplies section that was at the entrance of the store. The entrance was marked with all the back to school items and she knew that in a week she would start high school without the supplies that the parents were arguing with their kids over. In middle school and elementary school there was always one teacher that seemed to know she would not have the needed supplies. She would come to class one day and find the generic spiral notebooks and pencils within her desk or atop it. She would nod to teacher in gratitude and we extra careful with the gifts for the rest of the year._

_Raven couldn’t help but wonder what she would do this year. She had already picked up her schedule, and she had six classes. Six classes with a list of “required materials.” Lists that she would never fill when she couldn’t even fill her stomach. As if on cue, her stomach hissed and bubbled again._

_Making her way to the soup section, Raven took precaution to travel through several aisle first. She needed to make sure no one would be present while she slipped the packets of Top Ramen into the top of her pants. She wasn’t that lucky though, because the aisle was filled with kids begging for cup of noodles and the microwaveable meals for their lunches._

_Taking a chance, she moved in front of the ramen and pretended to peruse the aisle. She looked around her through her periphery and when she felt no one was looking, she grabbed two packs of the shrimp flavor and tried to push them into the frayed band of her underwear._

_A hand on her shoulder stopped her though. She froze and stared at the shelf before her. The hand was still on her, and heat rose in her chest. She didn’t want to steal ramen, but she was only thirteen and the only way to get money at thirteen in this neighborhood involved a sweating man laying above her. She knew of a few girls that lived that way, but it wasn’t the life she wanted._

_“Put it back,” the female voice commanded from behind her. The voice wasn’t old but it wasn’t young either._

_Tears were threatening to break way, but she fought them back. She would not cry for a stranger. Instead she pulled the two packets out and placed them back on the shelf. The hand was removed and Raven turned to make her way out of the aisle quickly. But the voice stopped her again._

_“Is it a game or are you hungry?”_

_Raven didn’t have to answer. Her stomach did for her. She wrapped her arms across her chest and went to move again, hoping the woman wouldn’t stop her again._

_But she did._

_“Come with me,” was all the woman said. Slowly Raven turned to look at the dark woman dressed in fatigues. There was a boy with her. He was bulky and his pants were looking like they were already too small for him. But he was bigger than her, his shaggy dark hair and lighter skin, showed that he was part the woman and part someone else._

_“I won’t try again,” Raven stated, pulling her frail form up to her full height._

_The woman nodded, then added, “At least not today.”_

_Raven didn’t say anything. She didn’t because she knew she would be back tomorrow for the 15 cent pack of processed noodles and salt flavoring. She had another week before school started and she could have breakfast and lunch again sponsored by the State of Arizona._

_“Please,” she tried. The word was bitter on her tongue, but she needed to beg. She couldn’t get banned from the store. The nearest grocery store was three miles away. Three miles during winter was nothing. Three miles under the Arizona summer sun was asking for death on the sidewalk._

_“I said come with me.”_

_Raven lowered her eyes and stepped forward to follow the woman that began to move when she noticed Raven was going to follow her. The boy didn’t say anything, but his mother handed him the cart and then some cash. She spoke to him momentarily, but Raven couldn’t hear what she said over the toddler screaming the cart being pushed past them._

_She watched the ground and moved when the woman moved. They were making their way to the front of the store, and she saw the greeter eyeing them more carefully this time. But they didn’t stop with her and the woman turned right toward the McDonalds instead of left towards the customer service desk._

_Raven stopped outside the entrance and cast a sideways glance at the woman that had not paused. Instead the woman got in line. She was greeted after a small girl took an ice cream cone from the girl behind the counter._

_“Welcome to McDonalds what can I get for you?”_

_The woman smiled at the girl tightly and turned to Raven. With the same commanding voice, she said, “Tell the girl was you want.”_

_Raven looked at the ground, “Cheeseburger, no mustard. “_

_No one said anything, so she added, “Please.”_

_“Make it two cheeseburgers, a twenty pack of chicken nuggets, a large fry. Oh, and a milk please,” the military woman with Woods written on the left hand corner said to the girl. The girl nodded and typed in the order. Woods turned to Raven then and asked, “You’re not lactose intolerant right?”_

_Raven shook her head, and returned her gaze to the floor._

_“Good. Go sit.”_

_Raven followed the instructions, finding a clean table with four chairs. She sat still, trying to count the freckles on the tables. Her pointless pursuit was interrupted was interrupted by the tray being slid before her._

_“Eat.”_

_Raven didn’t think twice, tearing into the cheeseburger. It disappeared within her after only a few bites. Taking a napkin, she wiped the grease from her fingers and returned her gaze to the table._

_“Are you still hungry?”_

_She could lie. She could, and it would be easy. But the other cheeseburger may as well have been staring at her._

_She nodded._

_“Then eat.” It was a statement, but it wasn’t cold. It wasn’t begging, just a statement. Raven looked up with just her eyes and took in the stern jaw, and dark eyes looking back at her. Slowly, she almost whispered, “Why are you doing this?”_

_The woman shook her head and looked to the ceiling, then back at the girl. With a slow deep inhale, her eyes settled on the girl, an she explained, “You're a child and your hungry. Your too thin which means you probably have been waiting all summer to get a decent meal when school starts again. This is the minimum of what I could do.”_

_Raven sat still, listening to the soldier’s explanation. She didn’t know how to answer, so instead she took the second cheeseburger, eating this one slowly. She wasn’t eager to leave the cool air, and she knew that it had been a while since her stomach was full, which means she was probably going to get sick she finished everything that the woman had ordered._

_She heard the clicks of the milk cap and saw it placed in front of her. She took it and drank from it. The smooth cold liquid coated her tongue and she couldn’t help the appreciative “mmm” that slipped from her lips._

_“Do you have parents?”_

_Raven nodded._

_“Where are they?” Raven didn’t answer. Instead took another bite. She didn’t want to tell the woman about her mom laying on the couch or the father she never knew._

_And she was saved from the conversation by the boy with the cart._

_Everything was tucked into bags, and the boy stood by the cart awkwardly. He looked her age, but she wasn’t sure because she was always smaller than most of her classmate._

_She took another bite, then a sip of the milk. Once she swallowed, she whispered, “Thank you.”_

_Soldier woods nodded to her, but Raven saw as she waved the boy over. Raven hoped that he was not someone in her future classes, realizing that in this moment she was the epitome of pathetic. She swallowed harshly, her eyes returning to the floor._

_She wished she could become one with the floor. Slumping down grateful for being small. She could be invisible. It was how she survived life thus far. Invisibility._

_“Sit up,” the woman commanded, but Raven couldn’t follow her instructions. She couldn’t let this boy really see her if she would see him in a week._

_“Son, take the stuff to the car and get it started.”_

_She saw the plastic bag set on the floor next to the woman, and then heard the boy’s heavy footfalls move away from them. Raven exhaled the breath she hadn’t realized she was holding._

_“Do you have a home?” Raven scoffed a little thinking of the sweltering bedroom. She thought of the unmade mattress on the floor. She thought of roaches in the cabinet. And she questioned if she had ever had a home that wasn't covered in filth and smoky haze._

_“Are you on the street?” Raven shook her head._

_“Do you go to school?” This time Raven got to nod._

_“I get straight A’s,” she is not sure why she says it. But it was the only thing in her life to be proud of , and for some reason she wanted Soldier Woods to have some reason to be proud of her._

_The soldier nodded. She didn’t smile but the seriousness within her eyes melted momentarily. Slowly she moved to the bag and held the plastic handles over to Raven. She stated, “Good, then these will be put to good use.”_

_Raven took the bag, but didn’t look within. She didn’t know what to do. No one that wasn’t a teacher had ever given her something before. She didn’t know what to say or how to react so she just sat still with the bag in her lap and the food still on the tray._

_“Do you have a name?”_

_She swallowed thickly, sucking back her emotions. “Raven,” she barely got out._

_Soldier Woods nodded, and as she made to leave, she said, “Your fight is not over, Raven.”_

_Raven sat still as the woman took a few steps away. She doesn’t know where the courage came from, but she says louder than any of the words she had said yet, “May we meet again.”_

_Soldier Woods stalled momentarily, casting a look back at the young teen. She nodded silently and left the fast food restaurant._

_Once she was gone, Raven sorted through the bag. She found a black Jansport backpack and a red sweatshirt. Within the backpack, she found notebooks, pencils, and a calculator. She put the items back in the bag and set it between her feet._

_Emotions she couldn't name rushed through her, as she finished the plastic container or milk. She put the packages of nuggets and the container of fries into the bottom of the bag._

_Leaving the store, Raven was shaking slightly. Her young mind incapable of fully processing what had just happened. She took the long way around the Walmart, instead of cutting through the back and hopping the wall that would lead her directly to the place that she couldn't describe as home._

_Voices were filtering through the door, and one was angry. She hesitated, not sure she could enter._

_“Where is my money, Lily?!” the male voice yelled._

_Raven could hear her mother within crying. She knew she shouldn’t go in, but she didn’t have anywhere else to be and the sun was beating into her._

_Pushing the door in, she took in the scene. The voice she had heard held the same deep toffee tones that she had, his black t-shirt fitted to muscles that were built and not marked with tracks of sorrow that lines her mother’s or Tristan’s. He was snarling at Liliana, holding her up in her still high state by both her arms._

_The woman drawled out slowly, “I don’t got your money, Jesus.”_

_Jesus tossed her towards the door. Raven almost fell over as her mother knocked into her. The doorframe broke her fall with a thud. He was still growling, “Then you better go out an get my money.”_

_Liliana looked at him, and Raven could tell she was trying to decide on what to do. But then her mother’s eyes turned to her. They were dark and dead. The only emotion hidden within was the need for securing her next fix._

_Raven stared at her, wondering how Liliana planned on getting out of this predicament. But she didn’t see the words that flowed too easily from the mother’s mouth to the angry drug dealer._

_“Take the girl. She’s still a virgin and will make you the money.”_

_Raven felt like someone had just punched her in the chest. She felt her lung collapse as the air left her. The movement of Jesus caught her attention. Looking at him, she saw his eyes fixated on her._

_And she ran._

_She ran without oxygen at first._

_She ran without stopping, each foot hitting the burning ground._

_She fell when she ran through the apartment, her bag sprawling out before her._

_Chicken McNuggets scattered across the ground, but she didn’t have time to mourn the loss of dinner, breakfast and lunch for the next few days._

_She turned to see the man was coming down the stairs. His eyes still on her._

_She pushed herself up from the ground not caring for the blood running down the palms of her hands. She scooped up the backpack and the sweatshirt and picked up her pace again._

_Raven knew he could outrun her if they were going straight. So she dodged, and she dipped. She ran through the complex, finding the wall next to the dumpster. Her feet hit the familiar points and pushed herself over the wall back into the Walmart parking lot._

_Once over the wall she didn’t stop running. She ran to the front of the store, and down the strip of stores, ducking inside a corner behind a large cement trashcan. She stayed there for longer than may have been necessary. Her breath panting out of her lungs that burned._

_Her tears were hot, and she ran her arm under nose, spreading mucus and tears over her arm. She stayed there not sure where to go or what to do. The only thing she knew was that she couldn’t go back._

_She knew that she couldn’t call it home. That she had been homeless since birth. Probably since conception._

_But now she knew she was alone._

_She was alone at thirteen._

**~Abby~**

Abby had almost removed the metal when the heart rate monitor’s beeps spiked in sharp intervals. Without a second thought, Abby pulled and the metal was free. It freed in time for the granddaughter on the table to spasm and shake.

“She’s seizing,” one of the nurses stated. And everyone froze.

They froze and watched as the young girl shook involuntarily.

Abby choked back her tears, as she watched the waves of convulsions roll through the girl. She couldn’t do anything for the girl, but be ready to close up her wounds once the seizure ended.

She felt the tears fall, as she held up her hands with the metal still gripped in her hand. Her hands that were covered in blue gloves, coated in the girl’s crimson life source.

And Abby cried.

Tears running from her eyes and gathering in the paper mask.

_Hold on Rave. Please hold on._


	6. But all it takes for the memory becomes a reality again is to tell it... even if it may be one-sided...

**~Octavia~**

The yellow tile floor took eight steps to cross from curtain to wall. It took two steps to turn and then eight steps to get back to where she had started. Octavia had made fifteen passes thus far, with no goal in sight. She was terrified for her sister, but her anxious energy revolved around the hospital bed that was threating to swallow her mother, just as the last one had done to Aurora.

_She needs to get out of here._

Octavia’s gut twisted and acid bit at the bottom of her esophagus. She remembered being in the hospital while Aurora faded into the bed. Everyone had said she was going to be fine, but gradually she watched as woman’s tanned skin faded into a pale gray tint, and then her cheek sunk in her face. Her body became frail and it was like she slowly disappeared.

Octavia couldn’t have this bed eat another mother. She couldn’t have another life of hers stolen because she had loved them too much.

“O, I swear to a God I don’t believe in that you are straight up stressing me the fuck out,” Clarke swore, running her hand on the underside of her belly. Standing back, Octavia saw as the creepy little siblings foot pressed to Clarke’s skin, and she could make out the tiny foot.

It was almost too distracting, for her to hear Clarke still speaking, “Quit the pacing. I can’t deal with the pacing in time with the future Pro soccer player practicing with my bladder,” Clarke begged, moving her had from her belly to reach out for Octavia.

Octavia step towards the bed and ran her hand, where the footprint had just been. Lexa was hovering on the other side of the bed, running fingers over where their child was.

It seemed like Lexa was always hovering over Clarke’s belly, and briefly Octavia wondered if her mother was getting frustrated with it. Clarke had always been one ot hug people when they needed it, but she was never one to handle people continuously petting her. Avoiding contact unless someone needed comfort.

“Do you need to pee?” Octavia asked, and watched as Clarke blushed slightly. They weren’t alone in the room with just Lexa, and Octavia realized that Clarke may be embarrassed to state if she did or did not need to use the restroom. Octavia glanced around to see Indra still seated in a chair that was tucked practically within the curtain. She was holding on to an stack of envelopes, having not let go of them. Octavia suspected that whatever Indra had claimed to need to give to Clarke was incased in those envelopes. She wanted to know what they help, but the death grip that Indra’s dark hands held them with suggested she may lose an arm if she attempted to discover the secret within. Realizing Indra was watching her looking at the letters, Octavia quickly shifted her gaze to where Lincoln and Charles stood near the wall. Lincoln was officially taller than her grandfather, but she appreciated how Lincoln had found the male role model he had been searching for. While the bromance had taken away some of the time the boy would normally spend with her, he was lighter in emotion, and the interactions as small as helping her grandfather fix a leaking sink brought him so much pride. She was happy for him.

It had felt like minutes before Clarke responded, but Octavia realized her survey of the room had really been momentary. “I’m seven months pregnant, kid. I always need to pee,” she stated with the tad bit of frustration.

But Clarke’s frustration was refocused to the body that was entering the curtained off area.

A nurse pushed within the curtain and took a look at all the bodies. Her face was flustered and she huffed out, “Two visitors max. Everyone else needs to wait in the waiting room.”

Octavia’s eyes narrowed as she took in the younger woman, with wisps of hair frizzing out from her ponytail. Still standing next to Clarke’s side, Octavia stood up straight with her shoulders back and ready to tear into the woman if she told the family they had to leave again.

But before, the woman could speak Ryder pushed through the curtain carrying a variety of items that Octavia almost immediately reminded her that her mother and her sister were in hospital beds because someone in a truck had run a light and smashed into their car. The nurse took in the new body and left in frustration.

Ryder smiled weakly to the group, taking in the seriousness of the situation. He looked to Lexa and then to Clarke. As he handed Clarke a shattered screen phone, he asked, “How is Raven and Levi?”

“Momma Abby is with Raven is in surgery,” Lexa explained, and then looked to Clarke whose eyes were distant. Ryder reached over and touched the place that Levi’s little foot was currently pressing to. “They’re okay,” Lexa says, tracing their fingers again over Clarke’s stomach.

After a moment, he turned to Octavia and handed her the Grounder’s Softball sweatshirt. “Your gear is in my trunk,” he explained. Octavia nodded, not wanting to think about her uncle pulling their things from the car that had carried Clarke and her for the entirety of their relationship.

Octavia moved on to the bed, and crawled in along side of the blonde, careful not to jostle her. Cuddling with Clarke had become difficult as Levi was turning Clarke into a small blimp, but it didn’t stop Octavia from laying her head over the woman’s now larger breast to hear her heart beating.  Clarke’s fingers were carding through her hair, as she held her daughter. The teen lay still trying to desperately hold on to Clarke, but she noticed that the Woods family were having their own moment, as Indra whispered, “It can’t be.”

**~Lincoln~**

Lincoln reached over and took a tattered backpack from Ryder’s hand. Holding it up he looked over the pack. He had seen Raven carry it before, but had never paid much attention to it. But here and now, something was tickling forefront of his brain. Tilting the pack, he noticed the small dingy embroidered skull. He ran his fingers over skull, and remembered a time when his mother and him argued over this very style of pack. She was against him carrying around a symbol for death, but he was so desperate to be cool.

He looked over at Indra, whose eyes were also studying the back, and then as though she remembered the some event her eyes shot up to Lincoln.

“It can’t be,” she said, moving from her chair and taking the pack from his hands. She held it in her hands carefully. She looked to the Clarke, and asked, “Does this belong to Raven?”

Clarke nodded, questions blooming in her eyes.

Indra looked over at Lincoln, and asked, “Do you remember?”

He nodded.

The next question was more of an accusation, “Did you know?”

This time he shook his head. He hadn’t been around that day. His mother had told him to check out after he picked up some extra school supplies for the girl that they had witnessed trying to steal Top Ramen packets.

“I didn’t really get a chance to see her that day,” he said quietly, eyes still locked on the pack. He had been hesitant to put it in the bag, but he remembered how his mother had smiled at him when he had brought over the bag that held the pack and the sweatshirt that he had picked out. He had decided that the girl had needed them more than he did.

“Oh Raven,” Indra said, and everyone in the room saw the rare display of the woman’s stoic resolve crumble slightly. A tear sliding down her face, as she caressed the shabby canvas material with random colorful threading on the bottom corners, where it was obvious the girl had sewn the pack back together.

Lincoln was by her side, and he pressed a soft hand to his mother’s arm. He didn’t know what to do or what to say. The last time he witnessed his mother cry was the day they buried his father.

Octavia was the only one to speak, after a few long tortuous moments, “She never let the backpack out of her sight. I told she needed a new one for school but she told me to fuck off and that life was about more than new things.”

“What’s going on, Indra?” Clarke asked, clearly tired of being left out and her emotional transitions were tolerated due to the known hormonal drops and spikes that she was continuously going through.

Indra sucked back her tears, and Lincoln watched as her mask returned. She placed the bag at the foot of the bed.

“Clarke,” she started but stopped. Lincoln wondered if Raven had known the whole time. “We met Raven once. It was years ago.”

“I was eleven,” Lincoln provided. “We argued over that backpack,” he said pointing to pack.

Indra nodded at the time line he had provided.

“We were shopping for school supplies,” Indra stated. “I caught her trying to shop lift. I didn’t realize that she was the same Raven that I had met with you. She has grown so much. But she was tiny and she was hungry. So I did what anyone would have, but I should have done more.”

Lexa’s hand had found Clarke’s and they were holding on to each other, hearing a story that they possibly only heard partially from their daughter’s point of view. They all knew that Raven rarely spoke of times pre-Griffin house. She had only told the story of Finn once, but since then she had continuously lived in the present. 

Everyone in the room was listening to Indra’s story, of the girl that was one all of their minds.

Listening as Indra explained taking the girl to McDonalds and ordering more food and than she knew the child would eat in one sitting.

Explained how she had wanted to take the girl home with them and contact the authorities to do the same thing that she had encouraged Clarke to do years later. Explained that when Clarke came to her seeking advice on what to do with Octavia, she told the young teacher what she had wanted to do with the starving almost thief in Walmart.

She told them of wanting to give the kid a life that shoplifting food was unnecessary, but she had walked away.

Lincoln watched as Octavia moved from the bed to Indra, who was still holding back the tears that were building up in her eyes. She took the woman’s hand, as Indra finished telling them, how young Raven had bid her farewell.

“May we meet again, she said to me. I wanted to turn around and hug her. I wanted to tell her we didn’t have to meet again because I could give her a place to be. This child who clearly was living a life no kid should have to go through, and her optimism was just omnipresent. And I could only hope that yes we would meet again,” Indra stated.

Octavia held tight, and she spoke in almost a whisper, “She told me that that backpack was the first gift anyone had ever given her. She said that the person that gave her that pack was her savior. Had told her she needed to keep fighting. So she did.”

Indra looked over at Octavia, her brow furrowed in confusion. “All I did was get her some cheap fast food. He gave her the pack.” Indra pointed to Lincoln.

Octavia glanced over at Clarke, and the woman nodded to her. Lincoln stood by, not sure what to expect. This was clearly never a story that he had been privy too.

“Raven ran away the day she met you. It was her first night on the street. She told me that her mother had done something terrible, but that she knew she could be better. That her fight wasn’t over and she would one day be like to woman that found a starving kid in a Walmart and gave her the one thing that everyone needs,” Octavia explained.

Lincoln felt as though the oxygen was sucked from the room. The connections in their lives were far and few between, lacing the Trikrus and the Griffins and the Woods. As though the ripples were made in a still lake at random points, but the ripples found ways to reverberate from each other and then reconnect again and again until they moved as one.

“You gave her hope,” Lexa broke the silence that was swallowing the occupants. They cast a glance over to their father, and then back to Indra. “When I was on the street, someone gave me something and I learned that life wasn’t as hard and cruel as I had thought it was. It got me through my toughest moments, because someone cared enough to help me. They gave me hope and a goal. ”

Octavia’s deep inhale shook Lincoln and he remembered to breath. She was crying this time. She was crying as she took her turn to speak.

“Her mother tried to sell her for drugs that night. And she ran and took the only thing that gave her hope. That backpack. You may not have known until now but you saved her. If you hadn’t…” Octavia cut off. Lincoln pressed into his girl’s side; both too emotional to continue for a moment.

But Lexa took her place and hugged Indra, before pulling back. “If you hadn’t been there that day, she may have fallen victim to her mother’s choices. But you gave her hope and for that I can never thank you enough. You saved my daughter.”

Indra hugged Lexa back, and Lincoln took in everything had happened. He had learned of his mother’s friendship with Clarke and Lexa at their wedding, but he had never really seen his mother like this. But truthfully, he should have recognized the signs.

Because Indra had been there for every critical moment of the Clarke Griffin’s life. Thinking about to his freshmen English class when Clarke told them, each and everyone of them were on a personal Hero’s journey, he wondered his mother had been Clarke’s mentor. The guiding force that helped lead her on her way to becoming the hero to so many teens. But Indra had been there for so much it just made since that she would have been there for Raven in her moment of need.

Lincoln swallowed new level of pride for his mother. He had always looked up to Clarke, calling her his hero. But now he realized that Indra was just as much his hero as the blonde teacher in the bed.

**~Abby~**

The curtained area that held Abby’s daughter was filled with people that were emotionally clinging to one another. She took a deep breath, before making her presence known. The last several hours had taken its toll on Abby in ways she had never fathomed.

She had always imagined the body on her table was her blonde daughter with her father’s eyes, but they never were. They never were the girl that Abby wanted so desperately tried to save.

But this time…

This time it was someone she loved.

Clarke’s eyes found her first and she tried to sit up higher in the bed, but Levi stopped her. Abby eyed the monitor, seeing that the baby’s heart was beating normally calmed her slightly. Not enough, but at least it was something.

Abby pulled the Van Gough printed surgical cap from her head, and she though of how excited Octavia and Raven had been to watch her open the present.

  1. The girl’s name echoed throughout her skull.



Abby’s eyes made their way back to Clarke, and she realized that everyone had stopped speaking. Instead all eyes were on her. They were waiting for her to tell them about Raven.

“She’s alive,” Abby begins, and there is a communal exhale. With the increase in carbon dioxide in the region, Abby felt her own heart rate slow. Her brain craved oxygen, but her body slowing down to preserve the energy that was quickly fading from the surgeon. Or was she the grandmother right now?

Lexa moved to Abby, and took her by the hand. They guided their mother-in-law to the bed where her beautiful blonde baby lay. Once seated, Abby took Clarke’s hand, while still holding on to Lexa’s.

“I was able to remove the metal from her back. It was too close to her spine for comfort though. There is a chance that there was damage, but we can’t know for sure until she wakes up,” Abby explains to her granddaughter’s parents. The two people that vowed less than a year prior to take the responsibility of the girl and love her unconditionally. Abby’s feelings were crippling her ability to think clearly, and she understood now why people did not operate on their loved ones.

Abby sucked in a deep breath, and quickly explained, “Callie is on her way. She is the top…” she choked,” top ortho….” She needed to get it together but every word was getting harder to expel.

Lexa’s hand tightened, and they looked from Abby to Clarke. They stated with a form of confidence that was so admirable, even Abby saw the light in their words.

“Raven is a fighter. Just like Octavia. She will recover from this.” Lexa looked to Octavia, and stated, “This is just part of her Hero’s Journey, right kid?”

Octavia’s tear stained face nodded as a smile broke across her face. Abby didn’t understand why the girl was so excited, until she started rambling.

“She’s like maybe this is her moment of abyss and she is going to wake having her transformation. Then she’ll be like more smarter than everyone than she already is and she like solves society’s problems. Like she finds a way to stop a nuclear bomb from destructing everything and becomes the person to stop an apocalyptic situation where we are in like a third world war. And we all get to stay on earth in stead of having to run away to a space station…”

“O.”

“Because we need to like start coming up with a neutralizer instead of more weapons, because if we can neutralize the weapon then we have no reason to fear the weapon. Because space would not be kind to humanity. Confined spaces bring out the worst in people. And people need-“ But the rambling brought a smile to all of the occupants of the room’s face.

“O!” Lexa called a little louder this time.

“Like the government would go crazy and people would listen because they were scared. And even in space there would be the other and what if they like started running out of oxygen because they didn’t have a genius like Raven to fix it all. Shit would get fucking real fast-“ and Octavia would have kept going in her fairy tale story, if Lexa hadn’t waved her off.

“Octavia!” Lexa yelled this time with a huge grin across their face. They were waving one hand, while their other was laying protectively over Levi. Like the baby would be impacted by Lexa raising their voice.

 _Lexa is going to be a parent like Jake was._ And the thought brought the warmth to Abby’s heart.

The girl batted her eye lashes that had lost all of their mascara, but were still full and made the teen look innocent, “Yes, Nontu.” Clarke and Abby shared a laugh at the way the girl was attempting to play Lexa. However, Lexa was having none of it.

With a huff, Lexa practically cried out, “No one is going to space. Humans belong on the ground protecting our home. We have had this conversation already. We are Trikru-Griffins and we will stay on Earth.” And Lexa literally stomped on foot.

Abby’s mouth dropped open, and she is not sure why but she stated, “If there is nuclear war, I am getting on the damn ship.”

Every one turned to her, and she shrugged her exhausted shoulders, “What, I would get there and I would find a way to run that shit!”

Clarke was the first to laugh, while the others were staring in disbelief.

“I guess Marcus’ political pursuits are starting to rub off on me,” Abby said, her mouth curled on one side in a smirk.

Octavia smacked Lincoln in the arm, “Dude, she would totally be the one floating people.”

Abby tilted her head and looked at the girl, “Float?”

Lincoln laughed and Indra shook her head. The gruff warrior halted the teens imagining, with the words, “Don’t worry Abby. We won’t need you to become the dictator of space. Like Lexa said, we belong on the ground.”

The group laughed at the Colonel’s words. The words of a woman who had seen war and the loss associated with it. Her confidence in protecting her family was laced with every word, and Abby was grateful that Clarke had met this woman.

 


	7. Introspection they call it... analyzing oneself... but that shit is hard.

**~Clarke~**

The tall blading doctor told her that they wanted to keep her over night to make sure that the baby was recovering from the accident. This only heightened her frustration as being seen nothing more than a vessel for the life within her.

It seemed like no one cared for her desires or needs, only telling her what is best for Levi. She realized that frustrating was not the correct word to describe how she was feeling. Infuriated was more precise. She wanted out of the fucking bed. She wanted a venti chai tea latte. She wanted to have fucking sex. And most of all she wanted to go but to the ICU and be there when her daughter woke up.

As though Ryder had read the blonde’s mind, he arrived just after Lexa had gone up to Raven’s floor and Octavia had left with Indra and Lincoln. He held out the drink to her, which she took eagerly. Sucking down the calming liquid almost immediately.

“How did you know?” she asked.

Ryder smiled and shrugged, “Luna and I had a huge fight a few weeks ago about me telling her what to do for the safety of the baby. Needless to say I was made very aware that she was the boss and I am get her what she wants.”

Clarke considered this. Thus far, Lexa had told her what was allowed and what wasn’t based on Dr. Arizona Robbins advice. _Fuck you Arizona_ , Clarke cursed the woman.

Ryder kept talking, “Look I know that you and Lexa had your way of doing things. And I know that you give them a lot of power. But you need to take care of you too. Take care of your needs. You are Levi’s mother, Clarke. So please, talk with Lexa and make them understand what you want.”

Clarke sucked in another gulp. She contemplated Ryder’s words. She closed her eyes, whispered, “I tried. But…” and the tears began to flow down her cheeks. “I can’t get them to even let me out of this fucking bed, Ryder.”

Ryder stood still only for a moment, before he left her with only the fetal monitor and her tears.  She shook her head trying to shake away her anger.

“I’m sorry, Levi,” she sobbed. “I love you. I just… I just want to be me.”

Ryder returned with a wheel chair. Eying him cautiously, Clarke tried to understand what his intentions were. He moved to the bed and glanced at her. She nodded momentarily, then felt his arm under the back of her legs and one on her lower back. He breathed in deeply as he lifted her, and she smacked his chest. “I am not that fat!”

He laughed as he set her into the chair. “You are not fat, Clarke, but you are pregnant with a Trikru baby and that kid is going to be huge!”

“You tell Luna these things? It's a wonder she hasn’t murdered you already.”

He laughed and pulled the portable monitor onto the chair with Clarke. It beeped a steady rhythm that made Clarke smile.

 _I hear you, peanut_.

“Luna makes big babies on her own. Have you seen that boy of ours?”

Clarke ran her hands under the bulge. Where she touched, Levi kicked her back. She shook her head, realizing that this kid was in tune with her.

Ryder moved to the curtain and took a glance out in a full police pursuit stance with fake finger gun and everything. Glancing back at Clarke, he said, “It looks clear, but we need to proceed with caution.

Clarke couldn’t help the full spread grin that broke across her face. She held up both her hands and made her own finger run. “I got the twelve; you get my six,” she said between partial giggles.

Ryder moved to a one handed gun and made his way behind Clarke’s chair. She held her finger gun out in front of her. He pushed her through the curtain and she turned her head and fake gun scanning the area.

“White coat at two! Divert, divert!” Clarke hissed, and Ryder pushed her into a curtained area. And older woman looked at them with concern in her eyes. Clarke smiled and held a finger to her lips while the other was still in the shape of a gun.

“Don’t scream and no one get’s hurt,” Clarke whispered to the woman that broke into her own smile. She nodded and waved to the two runaways.

“All clear, Sky Princess,” Ryder declared quietly.

The old woman held up her own finger gun and whispered in a shaky voice, “I will cover you, your highness.”

Clarke giggled and gave the her a smiley nod, “Your loyalty shall not be forgotten!” Clarke stated as Ryder pulled her from the room, and began to push her more quickly from the curtain.

Clarke spotted the balding doctor that had told her she was not to leave the bed heading down the hall towards them, with none other and the other blonde in Lexa’s life. Clarke snarled at the woman, and called to Ryder, “White coats dead ahead. I’m going in for the kill.”

She aimed her finger gun and pulled the imaginary trigger. She pursed her lips and said, “Phew. Phew. Phew.”

The doctor’s froze in place looking at the blonde pulling the trigger and shooting them. Clarke waved to them and then to the ground, saying, “Um, excuse me but I killed you, therefore, you should be dead on the ground.”

Her voice was steady, and she stared at the woman that had told Lexa no more sex. She squinted at the woman and pulled her imaginary trigger again, aimed directly at her, “Phew.”

Arizona looked at her with raised eyebrows and then crumpled awkwardly to the floor. Clarke eyes spread wide and then she burst into laugher. Ryder was right there with her as he moved from her six to help Arizona off the concerning dirty hospital floor.

“How are you, Clarke?” Arizona asked, when she was on her feet, bending over Clarke and pressing on her abdomen.

Clarke huffed, “Frustrated since some doctor told my partner not to touch me.” She hadn’t meant to go in for an attack but it came out. Because really it was what needed to be said. She was pissed at Arizona and she really didn’t want her here. But of course Lexa had called her.

Arizona looked up at her in surprise, and said, “I told Lexa they just needed to be careful. Not to stop completely.”

Pain flooded Clarke and her eyes searched Arizona for dishonesty but found none.

_She hadn’t told them to not touch me._

And as the sequence of thoughts followed as a avalanche threatening to bury her.

_They decided not to…_

She choked on the emotion and searched from understanding from the man towering over her.

_They don’t want me anymore…_

She held back her tears though, and swallowed down her sob. Turning to the doctor, she harnessed the rage and disappointment flowing through her to take back her sense of independence. Practically spitting at the man, she growled, “I am going to see my daughter, so get the fuck out of my way.”

**~Raven~**

Raven’s arm tingled and mini pricks bit at her skin. She recognized the numbing sensation, but the dull ache around her body brought her back to clarity. She tried to lick her lips, but her tongue was stopped by the harsh _plastic?_ pressing it down. She bite down and _yep that is definitely plastic._

Her eyes opened at that and she took in tanned face leaning against the bed on their folded arms. Their green eyes were staring at her, but they warmed as their eyes met. She blinked a few times, not sure what else to do. Her arm was still tingling and she wanted to move, but something was stopping her.

“She’s awake,” Lexa called over, and then she saw another tanned face. Bigger than Lexa, with dark locks framing her face.

“Raven, I don’t know if you remember me. I am your Grandma Abby’s friend, Callie,” the woman explained. Raven barely nodded, but it was enough because she did remember Callie. Callie had found out how old she was. Callie could get away with calling Abby a bitch. Callie was a surgeon. A bone surgeon.

And it came back to her.

 

_“O, seriously. I told Lexa we want a 1943 Chevy truck,” Raven explained._

_The music pumped through the speakers, and Clarke was singing along with the words. Truthfully, she was fumbling over most of the them, but neither girl had the heart to tell her. The woman had been just down right moody lately, and Raven didn’t want to end up on the wrong side of her mood swing._

_But Octavia didn’t seem to be picking up on Clarke’s frustration, as she called from the backseat, “Don’t worry Levi, I promise RayRay and I will sing you your bedtime songs to save you from Mom’s screeching.”_

_Raven cast Octavia a warning glare, but it was too late Clarke was already in tears. The woman just couldn’t handle any sort of jest, which made life difficult for Raven to say the least. She had been practicing much restraint in regards to the use of sarcasm._

_She turned back, “Dick, apologize.”_

_Octavia reached forward and rubbed Clarke’s shoulders. Raven could tell Octavia felt bad, and could hear the sincerity of her words, as she apologized. “I’m sorry, Mom. I was just being a douche. You really do have a great signing voice when you know the words.”_

_Clarke waved her hand in the air and said, “It’s okay, baby. I know,” sniff, “I just want to be a good mom.”_

_Raven held out her hand and Clarke took it._

_“You are the greatest Mom any girl, or peanut, could ask for.”_

_Clarke’s eyes met Raven’s momentarily and then something caught her eyes and she quickly shifted her gaze back tot eh car. “Shit Shit. Fuck,” the blonde swore, and Raven turned to see the motorcycle fly by with the rest of the scenery._

_“Think he will give you another ticket?” the teen laughed at her._

_“Fucking song about believing. No more positivity in this car. Depressing break up shit only. People drive slow to depressing break up shit.”_

_“I swear my little sibling’s first words will be shit and fuck!” Octavia laughed from the back seat._

_Raven turned back and looked at her sister._

_“But O seriously, we are going to have the hottest ride.”_

Raven reached up and tried to pull at the tube in her throat. Callie gripped her hands, and she nodded.

“I know, honey. I know.”

Raven was in tears and she just wanted the tube out.

“I know. Let’s get it out. I need you to breathe out for me on three okay?”

Raven nodded. And on three she breathed as Callie pulled. It was a new form of torture that Raven never wanted to experience again. She held her throat and choked out a cough.

“I’m sorry. I know that hurt.”

Raven tried not the cry anymore, but more pain was coming with every cough.

“It hurts,” she managed to say.

Callie nodded, but Raven felt the soft hand take hers. She looked down to See Clarke in the wheel chair next to her. “I’m here, kid. I got you.”

Raven took her in. “You?”

Clarke nodded, and then supplied the next part, “Levi too, and Octavia is okay as well.”

Raven looked around and took in the room. It was grey and blue. The colors muted and as dule as she felt.

“What?”

Clarke looked at her calmly and explained, “We were in an accident, baby. You got hurt and Mom had to take a piece of metal from your back.”

Raven nodded this time, and she remembered speaking with Abby. She remembered telling her something. _What did I tell her?_

Callie interrupted her thoughts though.

“Raven, I need you to tell me what you feel,” the doctor explained. She concentrated on the touch that started on her shoulder and slowly moved its way down.

“Your hand its… its on my side,” she answers.

Callie’s hand slipped lower, and she supplied, “You’re touching my hip.” And then, “Don’t get any wise ideas, doc.”

Callie chuckled, and Raven felt her hand running down her leg, and then the only thing she could sense was pressure. Like something was pressing to her, but she couldn’t understand the sensation.

“There,” Raven says. “It’s like there is something, but then there isn’t. It’s not like the long delicate fingers I was feeling before.”

She couldn’t help but try and lighten the mood a little for possibly no one but herself. “That girl of yours must enjoy those fingers, but it’s just not my thing.”

No one laughed, so she shrugged a little and just tried to focus She felt the same sensation of pressure but not touch moving down farther.

Raven watched everyone’s eyes following what was probably Callie’s hand, and panic began to set in because she couldn’t feel it. She couldn’t feel it like she should be able to feel it.

“Doc, am I…?” but she couldn’t finish the sentence. She took in the flooding of Clarke’s eyes and Lexa was gripping the bed rail so tightly their knuckles were white.

She could hear Callie’s footsteps, and then she could see the doctor. Callie pulled the chair that Lexa had been sitting in before Raven and sat. They looked at each other for a long moment.

“So-“

Raven stopped her, and said, “I have been on my own since I was 11. I have seen a lot of fucked up shit. I am a survivor. So don’t sugar coat anything. Just tell me what I need to know and what we are going to do.”

Callie nodded, “Ok firecracker, you appear to have paralysis in your right leg from the middle of your thigh down.”

Raven can hear Clarke trying to silence her tears, but she was failing miserably.

“We can try to repair the nerve damage using a technique that I developed for a friend of mine, so that he could use his hand again; however, I am not making any promises. What I am going to say is that we can try. However, even then…”

There was silence. Silence that pissed Raven off. Its not like the good doctor was in this bed.

“Even then what?”

Callie swallowed, “Even then there is a chance you may need to use a brace for the rest of your life.”

Raven laughed. Like she really smiled and laughed. Looking over at her parents she said, “You all cannot be crying over a brace. We all know I could totally build that shit with hydraulics and make it have like jets and shit. I won’t need to walk. I could develop one for both sides and we can totally _Back to the Future_ this shit with hovering shoes and all.”

Lexa smiled weakly, but Clarke’s was genuine. Callie reached over and stroked her fingers through Raven’s oily hair.

“I don’t doubt you could from the stories Abs tells me. But the surgery will be out first option. Then we will get to work on creating you hovering shoes.”

Raven gave her a sideways grin, “Sounds good doc. Who knows? Maybe this is how I will change the world. But until then can I seriously get off my arm it is tingling like a mother fucker.”


	8. Then there are the times that others have to point out your issues, and that sucks.

**~Lexa~**

Clarke was released from the hospital the next morning, after it became clear that she would not stay in bed. Arizona had told them that she was safe to go after Clarke had finally consented to an exam done by the surgeon from Seattle. Lexa pretended not to notice the way that Clarke rolled her eyes whenever they mentioned the other blonde, and neither had Arizona.

When Clarke refused to allow Lexa to leave the hospital with her, instead insisting that they remain with Raven. Their teen was awaiting her second surgery; however, Callie and Abby agreed that they were waiting for the swelling to decrease. The surgeons explained to their wife and them that the swelling in Raven’s back could potentially be interfering with her perception of touch.

They were left in the room, surrounded by the beeps and thrums of machines measuring their daughter. Raven had fallen asleep after being given another dose of pain meds, while they had curled up on the vinyl covered seat with a stack of papers needing grading.

Picking up the next paper, they smiled at the name atop, written in perfect MLA formatting.

 

Charliegh Monroe. 

L. Trikru-Griffin

Political Science 2

3 April 2015

 

Lexa had to give it to Clarke; the woman had trained her students in not only how to argue a point, but to the needed attention of formatting details. 

Half way through the essay, they came to a tribute that brought one of the first smiles to their eyes since Ryder had called them the morning prior.

“Machiavelli’s argument that love constituted less effective mode of ruling lends to the idea that people are motivated only by fear. This connects to the dystopian understandings of most young adult literature. However, authors like Griffin, in _The Risen,_ have worked to demolish Machiavelli’s principles that fear and violence are the only answers to control. In fact, these newer pieces shift society away from the ideologies that the fear governments are utilizing presently as ineffective and only entice individual’s desire for rebellion, as shown in Suzanne Collins’ _The Hunger Games…”_

Their reading was interrupted by the pale hand on their shoulder. Looing up they were met with the wrong shade of blue and the wrong hue of blonde. _I miss Clarke already._

Arizona smiled sweetly, reading over the paper in their hands. Quietly, she asked, “Does she know Clarke?”

Lexa nodded looking back at the paper. They take a deep breath, and sigh lightly. “O’s best friend. She’s a good kid, and I was just marveling at how amazing my wife is. She taught them all to write so passionately.” They smile again and then say, “She just amazes me.” Arizona squeezes gently on Lexa shoulder, smiling at their far off look.

“Since, she is sleeping do you think we can chat for a minute?”

Lexa looked up, “Is something wrong with Levi?”

“No, Lex.”

“Clarke then?” and Arizona could see the worry buried in their eyes. “There is nothing wrong physically with either of them… But I do want to talk with you about Clarke.”

Lexa was frozen in place. They had hoped that maybe they would have a chance to speak with Clarke after seeing her irritation with Arizona, but Clarke had not given them a moment alone together. Hovering instead over the teen in the bed as much as possible with her protruding belly.

“She seems angry that I am here, and she said something down stairs when I first saw her… and I am not sure what to make of it,” Arizona said, taking a seat next to them.

Lexa nodded, “She has been… stressed lately.”

“Did you cut her off?” Lexa’s eyes widened at the blonde.

_How did she know?_

“So that's a yes. And to answer the question you’re asking she told me she is frustrated because I told you to stop having sex with her,” she stated. “We both know that is not what I said, so do you want to talk about it?”

Lexa shook their head. They didn’t want to admit to the real reason they had become overly protective over their wife’s womb. They didn’t want to think about it either.

“Lexa, your wife hates me and she is pissed at you,” Arizona stated, as if Lexa was not aware.

Lexa’s eyes closed and they felt as though the room was on its own axis tilting as they felt the pressure of their emotions escalating. Their eyes shot open though when Raven’s groggy voice broke the temporary silence.

“I can’t believe you cut Mom off. No wonder she has been a stark raving emotional witch lately.”

Arizona was looking at the girl, and instant guilt flooded her face.

“What the fuck, Nontu?” the girl continued. “You know as well as I do she is like Commander kink crazed, and holds her like value in your desire to want her.”

Lexa stands shaking their head as they thread their fingers through their hair. They don’t want to have this conversation with their friend let alone their daughter. They heard the bed move up though, and turned to see Raven pressing the bed to elevate her.

“Don’t run from this. Let’s talk about it so you can talk to Mom.”

Lexa moved again towards the wall, this time pressing their forehead against the wall. They wished they could just become one with the wall, but it wasn’t happening. So they spoke to the wall. They spoke to the wall in hopes that it would feel like they weren’t talking to the two women in the room.

“She wanted Levi to be me and her. She wanted to give me a baby that looked like me. And Ryder offered. So we took advantage of the offer,” they explained.

No one spoke, and Lexa knew they were waiting on them to continue.

“I just… he is just so good to her. He would give her anything and gave her the one thing I couldn’t. And…” they weren’t sure where they were going.

_He would never._

“But what if he like decides he wants to be Levi’s daddy? I will only ever get to be Nontu. I am Nontu to Alexi, to Gus, and I will be Nontu to Luna’s kid. There is no differentiation. So why wouldn’t he want to be the daddy to Levi?”

They took a deep breath, but it cracked. It cracked like they had. After holding it in for so long, they just couldn’t handle the pressure any longer and they cracked.

“She started spotting after I was so careful, and I was scared. She said she was okay, but she was worried about Levi. So I called you. I asked you about sex and I told her that you said no more.”

They paused at their confession.

“I didn’t want her to know that I was insecure. I didn’t want her to know that if we… if we fucked up and we lost Levi…” they choked again at the thought of losing their baby within their wife.

“That if we lost Levi, that I couldn’t do it again. I couldn’t give Clarke was she wanted because next to him I am inferior. That I can’t be what she needs. That I can’t make all of her dreams come true.”

Raven grunted, and they heard the bed shift. They looked over to see the teen trying to push herself out of the bed.

“What are you doing!” they yelled, and moved to the bed, pushing the girl’s shoulder back onto her side. “You are not allowed to get up yet.”

Raven’s eyes were pained, and Lexa broke even more at seeing her fragility. They tried to hold back the tears, but they couldn’t as the girl began to spoke.

“We don't call you Daddy or Mommy out of respect for who you are,” she states, her own eyes welled but confident in her words. “We don’t call you Nontu because you are really number two in our lives.”

Lexa held the girl’s shoulder, not to hold her down, but to hold themself up. They didn’t know what to say, but even then they didn’t have a chance to speak because Raven was still speaking.

“You have been my number one parent for longer than Mom and you know that. It took her forever to see me as her daughter. But you loved me unconditionally. Just like I love you.”

“Love you, not loved,” Lexa corrects momentarily.

Raven nodded, but Lexa wasn’t convinced that the girl believed them.

“Mom loves you. She only wanted to give you what she thought you wanted. I thought you worked this communication shit out in therapy. That's why you stopped going.”

Lexa snorted. Drawing a questioning look from the girl, they waved for a moment. Their tears mixed with the subtle smile.

“Ray, we stopped going because the counselor told us we needed to take a month off of sex so that your mother could learn that I loved her with out sex.”

Raven’s eyes grew and then she reached over and smacked Lexa’s arm. They tried not to admit that the girl still had strength even with everything going on. They flinched at the attack that continued.

“What in the actual fuck? You stopped giving sex to a woman that quit therapy at the idea that she would have to stop having sex with you?” Raven said between swats.

Lexa held up their hands at the attack, “I know!” blocked a hit, but only to take another one. “Alright I said I know.”

“Then why?” Raven asked, face-hardened.

Lexa sighed again, and looked their daughter in the eyes. “I don’t want anything to happen to your Mom or to Levi. I don’t want to take the chance that I will have to ask Ryder again, and give him the chance to be more than me to Clarke.”

“Mom loves you, Nontu,” she answers. “Like we all knew that Uncle Ryder crushed on Mom for like the first five minutes, but no matter, Mom never gave a flying fuck because she is yours. She is completely yours and all your kinky Commander crap.”

Lexa nodded, and looked back at Arizona who was listening but trying to not intrude on the conversation between the parent and teen.

“I’m sorry, AZ. I used you as a cop out,” they admitted.

Arizona turned to them and flattened their lips in a twisted smirk of ‘well great.’ She too sighed, and Lexa hoped that the wrong blonde would accept their apology.

“Lex, your wife is a rolling ball of hormones right now. You need to listen to her,” Arizona said, but her eyes shifted from them to the door. They turned to see Callie and Abby standing in the doorway.

Callie cleared her throat a little and then stated, “I know when I was in the final trimester, I felt huge. Like too big and felt like Arizona couldn’t possibly find me attractive. It was like a huge blow every time I looked in the mirror, and the only thing that made me feel better was when she could remind me that I was me. That I was beautiful and that she wanted me,” Callie confessed. Lexa could tell that Callie was avoiding her former wife’s eyes.

Abby shook her head, and came into the room taking Lexa into their arms, “I know you love her, Lex. She knows that too. But she needs to feel it. So maybe kiss her first. Kiss her and tell her she is beautiful and that you love her. Make her feel like her again. Make her feel like she is still what you want. Because I know she thinks you only want Levi right now.”

Lexa’s eyes searched Abby’s, “Did she?”

“Yes, Lexa. She spoke with me. You need to catch her before she falls,” Abby confessed.

“Falls?”

They looked to Arizona, who was avoiding her eyes. They looked back to Abby and then to Callie.

“Someone tell me what you are all talking about,” Lexa almost yells. They feel Raven’s hand in hers. They turn their eyes to the girl.

“They’re worried she is going to do what Mom does. She is going to go all control freak trying to feel like she is the boss of something and the result will be pushing us all away.”

Lexa swallowed back the tears. There were too many people in the room to show their tears now.

 _I need to see her_.

Looking to their baby, she released their hand and waved. “Go, Commander.” Lexa shook their head.

“No, never again from you,” Lexa stated. They moved to the bench and gathered the pile of papers, and pushed them into the leather messenger bag that Clarke had given to them with Trikru-Griffin embroidered on it.

“I will be back soon,” they state, but Abby’s hand is on them. They cast a glance back at her as she shook her head.

“No, baby. You are to spend the night at home with your wife, in your bed. Apologizing for being a fool.”

They smiled, and then looked over once more at Raven. She smiled, and said, “Get her a drink. That will at least distract her long enough for you to apologize and start getting her naked.”

Lexa shook their head. “No. No. No.”

“Ha!” Raven cried out, “You need to be only saying yes to her. Give her exactly what she wants. You just say yes, yes yes.”

Lexa left the room to the sound of their friends and family laughing at the predicament they managed to get themself into.

 _Clarke, my love. My sun. I love you. Please forgive me,_ they begged, making their way to the Audi that would take them back to the home they had built for the right blonde. The perfect blonde, with the perfect blue eyes. To the woman that felt she was nothing to them than a carrier of their child.

_I love you, Klark. Please, just give me another chance to prove it._


	9. She said to be real, and tell the parts that hurt without sugar... but I laugh when it hurts, so there is always a little sugar.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is short, but I had to end it there. Because the next one is long.

**~Ryder~**

Ryder was sitting in the parking lot at the family’s favorite Starbucks. He frequented the location often because the tip jar was known for drawing in thieves, and he wanted to make sure that all of his girls were safe. To say that the events from the day prior hadn’t shaken him would be a complete and utter lie. He was terrified at seeing the tiny white car.

He hadn’t been able to stay at his usual spot clocking, because it was just too close. Too close to where Lexa could have lost three children and a wife in one moment. His stomach turned over as he thought about how badly things could have gone. Having seen it too many times before, Ryder sighed grateful that Raven was awake, that Clarke and Levi were still okay, and that Octavia had walked away with only a few scratches.

He sipped on the iced coffee, and saw the familiar car pull into the parking lot. He stood, as Lexa got out of the car. Taking in their face, Ryder could sense something was wrong. In fact, if he wasn’t mistake Lexa had just rolled their eyes at his presence.

“Good to see you to, Lexi,” he said with a smile.

“Don't call me that. Only Clarke gets to call me that,” they say and move to enter the store but he stops them.

They stand before him staring at the ground, and he realizes that something is definitely. And whatever it is, he has a role in it. “Lex, what’s going on?”

He didn’t expect them to bark at him though. “I can’t deal with this right now. I need to get home to Clarke,” they answer without looking up.

The abrasiveness shocked him, and he struggled to understand how the Lexa he knew could become so angry and cut off. “What did I do to make you so surly with me?” he tried again.

Lexa looked up at him, rage in the green eyes that were red and puffy clearly from recent tears. He reached out a hand to place on their arm, but they straightened quickly. He knew better than to try to touch them when they were angry like this.

“You didn’t do anything, Ryder,” they say, but there is a discernable hiss to their tone. But then other shoe dropped. “You’re always perfect. You are so perfect that it disgusts me, and I am tired of feeling inferior to you.”

Ryder’s body physically moved backwards as his sibling attacked him with disturbingly kind words and a sadness that radiated from their green teary eyes.

“I don’t understand,” he practically whispers.

Lexa shakes their head, and groans out a frustrated and very uncomposed groan.  “I just-“ they start, but stop.

Ryder stands still and waits. It is clear that Lexa has something to say to them, though they are fighting saying it aloud, so he choose to wait. His own eyes begging for some explanation. Something to explain Lexa’s anger.

They shook their head and tried again to move passed him. Shaking his head, he stood in their way again, blocking the small walkway into the store. The planters and pillars made navigating around him difficult, so he chose to use his size to his advantage. “No, Lex. You’re pissed at me and I want to know why. I don’t know why me being perfect is of such a concern for you.” He was hoping they caught the sarcasm laced in his last statement, but it their face gave away nothing. They were the stubborn stone as always.

They tried to move around him again, but he stood strong, not letting them pass. So then they pushed him in the chest back with their hands hard, as they growled at him. “That’s just it.” His feet shifted to brace himself against their minor assault.  “You are everything she needs and I am not good enough. I am so inferior that I stopped showing her I am attracted to her.”

 _Everything she needs? Inferior? Stopped? Oh. Oh!_ His eyes grew at the realization of what Lexa was speaking of.

And they pushed him again, as they cried out, “because I didn’t want to have to go through feeling less than you again. Having to have you help me get her pregnant. It’s humiliating.”

_I thought I was helping. I thought they wanted things this way._

They when to push him again, but Ryder grabbed Lexa’s arms and pulled the smaller Trikru into him. Holding their hands so that no one would think that they were fighting, he wanted them to know that he understood and that he was here. That he had only thought he was helping and that he thought they had come to terms with this already when he told them that they were going to be a Nontu again.

 “Lexa, I thought that you wanted me to… I wouldn’t have… I didn’t mean…” but none of his sentences could be completed because they had asked him. Because he wanted them to get to look into that little face and see them. Because he did mean to help them. And now they were angry.

Now they were angry that Clarke was with child. And they were angry that the child was part of them because it came from him. He didn’t know how to deal with these emotions from them because he seriously wanted slap them for being insecure about their child. But he realized that was not why they were so angry.

Their voice cracked, and he witnessed the stone crumbling, “I stopped showing her that I love her in the way she wants, because I couldn’t bear to have her lose that baby. Because I couldn’t… I couldn't’ ask you…”

He held them close, and just breathed. Just breathed in their scent that was not feminine, but not musky woods either. Rather they were just them, fresh and with a hint of wildness. But that wildness was deceiving, because Lexa was breaking in his arms and he was trying to understand. He realized that he would never really be able to understand though, because Luna was home growing his child. And Lexa was going home to Clarke was also growing a  child that was just as much him as they were Lexa’s. But it was almost the same.

“Lexa, you realize that you are just as related to the baby in Luna as the baby in Clarke. My kid is just as much yours as your kids is mine. We may not be traditional, but you can’t tell me that those kids are not going to be anything besides loved,” he tried, but their eyes filled again, and their tears were flowing harder.

“I will only ever be second.”

Their words rolled over him, and he realized that what he had just said reinforced every feeling that coursed through the body in his arms. “Lexa, I didn’t mean it like that. I meant to say that we are trying so hard to create these nuclear families that don’t work the way society idealizes them.”

They sniff, “You sound like my wife.”

“She’s a smart woman,” he says with a hum of laughter in his chest. “But, Lex, Levi is your child, but their going to Clarke’s child too. They are going to mine and Luna’s and Indra’s. They are going to Octavia’s and Raven’s too. WE are all going to be responsible for making sure that Levi is loved and safe and protected. And that kid is going to loved.”

“Please don’t teach Levi to call you daddy,” they say quietly, and the dominoes connected one right after another.

He pushed them back and looked harshly into their eyes. He had thought his words would have gotten to them, but apparently they hadn’t and their request pissed him off. Not because he wanted Levi to know that the sperm to create them came from him, but that Lexa honestly worried that he would tell their child to call him Daddy.  “Lexa, you stubborn asshole. I would never, and I mean never, tell Levi that I was their father. Because I will never be that kid’s father. I will be Roberto or Rosario or Esperanza, or whatever-the-fuck-else-Luna-has-managed-to-think-up-while-I-am-gone-today’s father. But to Levi, I will be Uncle Ryder. You don’t ever have to tell that kid that I donated if it worries you that much. But Lexa you need to stop this shit.”

Their tears were thick and he could tell they were trying to fight them back again. His heart broke seeing the normally strong and steady rock crack, and he felt the guilt of causing that pain.

Lexa shook their head, as they said, “I’m sorry. I’m just… weak.” He shouldn’t have but he did; he nodded in agreement. Lexa’s eyes grew and the tears flowed again. He pulled them back into him.

Holding them in his arms, he struggled with finding the words that he needed to find in order to explain. He sighed, and then spoke, “Lex, Clarke told me once about you telling her that love is a weakness. When it comes to that woman and those three kids we all you know are weak. You are weak only because you feel their pain and their excitement. You feel for each of those women and even that baby in your wife’s belly. Yes, that makes your weak fro them. It makes it so they can get whatever they want from you.”

For the first time in their embraces that day, he feels their arms snake around him and pull him in tighter. It was rare that he and Lexa would hug. Wrestle and push each other around was an always, but to feel Lexa’s arms around him just reminded him how grateful he was to find them. Find them alive, well, and happy.

“You may be weak for them, Lex, but you are incredibly strong for them also. As Clarke would say, this is where the English language fails, because there are just not enough words to explain the emotions coursing through us that makes it possible for us to be weak and strong at once.”

Lexa wiped their face on his black shirt, and for a second he thought it was cute, until he realized what they had just done. He pushed them back, and took in the long streak of boogies that were now spread across their shirt.

“What the fuck, Lexa!” he asked, trying not to freak out like Alexi would since his little sibling just smeared boogers all over his shirt. His uniform. His police uniform.

_I am a fucking cop covered in adult mocos!_

“You smeared your boogers on my uniform, Lexa. You are disgusting,” but it didn’t matter for a second, a very small second, more like a millisecond, because Lexa was smiling. Red eyed and tears still drying on their cheeks, and a huge grin stretching across their face with the small evidence of mucus still under their nose.

They pushed at his arm, and said, “You called me weak.”

He looked down at his shirt. He couldn’t let this stand. He couldn’t let Lexa out do him. He reached over, and pulled the thinner body into him. Their back meeting his front. With one large hand, he held Lexa’s hands into them.

“So you think you are just going to wipe your snot across my shirt and not paid for it?” he growled. A couple were leaving the store and they stopped at the sight of the cop holding onto the smaller figure.

Ryder could tell that they were nervous about the interaction, but he couldn’t let Lexa get away with wiping boogers on him. Lexa however also picked up on their veiwers.

“Officer, I didn’t mean to. I’m sorry can’t we just-“ They were say, and the man was getting ready to stand up to Ryder. He could see it in the darkening eyes.

But he didn’t have a chance to do anything. Lexa threw their head back into his nose, then kicked back catching just enough of his manhood to drop him.

His arms immediately released the younger Trikru, who turned triumphantly to look at him. “Now big brother, you are not only covered in my snot, but your got kicked in the balls. I think we are even for calling me weak.”

The couple that had been angry before, now looked surprised at the quick shift in Lexa’s behavior and that the large cop was kneeling outside of Starbucks with a hand on his inheritance. They slowly walked away, casting glances back at the

Ryder slowly got to his feet, still guarding himself. He turned to Lexa, “You are evil.”

Lexa shrugged, “I need to go. I have to get that non-sense of a drink for my wife so as Raven says she will be distracted long enough to let me speak.”

He followed Lexa into the store cautiously, his stomach still ache from where he is certain his balls relocated to. They made it to the register and Lexa order for Clarke. He laughed at the annoyance in their voice as they rambled. The girl behind the counter smiled, clearly familiar with Lexa and their family’s high maintenance orders.

“Anything for you, Lexa?” the girl asked.

They shook their head as they said, “No, but can I write a message on Clarke’s cup?”

The girl smiled as she handed over the marker and the plastic cup. What neither expected was for Lexa to take the marker and the cup and move over to a table and chair. They didn’t expect to watch as Lexa pulled out their phone and clearly pulled up something they because to copy. Ryder looked back at the girl and handed her his Starbucks card to pay for the drink.

Moving over to the table, Ryder watched Lexa scrawl in careful script without any capital letters. He sat and waited until they were satisfied. Lexa’s writing and the words edged almost the entirety of cup. They smiled as they read over the words.

Then they handed the cup for Ryder to read. He too smiled softly, as he read the message.

“prisa, i haven’t shown you like I should lately, but all of these things are still as much true as they were a year ago. i still want you in every way possible. i want you with smeared eye-liner and i need to pee mornings. i still don't’ want to but will share your used towel. i want adventures holding hands the whole way. i want you on your i-don’t-give-a-fuck days and the uncontrollable horny days. i would like those days everyday, even though i was dumb. i want your still asleep kisses. i want your no-reason kisses. excited kisses, and your ‘i don’t have time’ kisses. i want to raise little trikru-griffins with you. i want you all year. i want you at 50. i want you when you’re old and wrinkly at 83. i want just shut the fuck up and kiss me arguments. i want your 2am wake up sex. i want to walk with you so we can face this world head on. i want to spoil you for no reason other than you being you. everything. i everything, but only if i can have it with you. please let me make these last few weeks up to you.”

His eyes raised to meet the same ones across the table. “You are so weak, Lex.”

 


	10. ... and other times there is no sugar, because moments that should be happy turn into nightmares.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

**~Clarke~**

The bathroom was filled with steam, but the hot water helped the ache that had set into Clarke’s body. Water trickled from the rainfall shower nozzle and everything in this room made her think of Lexa. How Lexa had built this bathroom especially for her. The water mixed with her falling tears, as the blond attempted to wash away her pain. But no matter how much she scrubbed, the toxic smell of antiseptic and bleach still clung to her skin.

When her skin couldn’t take anymore she step from within the glass in shower area, onto the memory foam bathmat. She thought of how Lexa had gone through installing slip guards under every rug when Clarke started to show. She had laughed at them cussing at the sticky edges, realizing that her and the girls had done a number on Lexa’s continuous formal language, aiding in the transition of using swear words as fillers on almost of regular basis.

Once her body was dry and she had pulled on the royal blue boy briefs, Clarke moved to the full-length mirror reflected back the expanse of pale nude skin. She ran a wooden comb through her sopping golden hair, trying not to judge how large she had grown. But she failed, and her gaze focused on her stomach that was stretched thinly, making every bluish vein visible.  

 _No wonder they want nothing to do with you,_ the voice within berated her. Lexa had never done anything but praise her curves but maybe her stomach stretching to the size of a large summer watermelon was too much for them. And she couldn’t blame them, when she looked in the mirror all she saw was fat.

Clarke turns in the mirror to her side profile and traces the purple lines where her skin stretched farther than anyone anticipated for this time in her pregnancy. For a second she was regretting the choice for natural childbirth. At the rate this kid was growing, she wasn’t even sure that it would be possible.

Whispering to her stomach, she begged, “Please do not break my hips when you decided to come out.”

Her hands cupped the swollen breasts that ached mildly with touch. Tears began to flow from each corner of her eyes, and she cried. She cried for the accident and her daughter still laying in the hospital. She cried for Octavia and the mild melt down she had earlier when asked to go to store because she couldn’t bear getting in the car. She cried feeling so weak and for missing Lexa so badly. She cried for having lost her partner’s desires. She cried for letting herself become this large, and she wondered if she had just eaten more that she was suppose.

The mirror became too much, and she made her way to the bed. Laying on her left side, she wrapped herself between the two large body pillows. Her tears did not lessen though, and she found her body choke and scrunch as the sorrow and pain of all the prior days events take hold of her.

“Clarke!” she heard called from down the hall and she hugged her body. She didn’t want them to see her this way. She didn’t want Lexa to only touch her out of guilt. To try and appease her until she gave them their new true love.

“Clarke,” the voice came again along with the door opening. “Clarke, I love you and I need you to know that-“ But Lexa was there. Clarke smelled the chai tea latte before she saw it. She tried to wipe away the snot from her face, so that Lexa would not be even more disgusted with her, but she couldn’t shy away because she was too fucking fat to move. And Lexa’s hands were there, stroking her tears away, and they even wiped the mocos from under her nose, before they started kissing her face and then her lips.

They pulled back and put the drink on the side of the bed. She struggled to move with them up, but when they noticed they helped her. They helped her move until her feet dangled over the edge of the bed. The bed that was chosen for it being the perfect height when Lexa wanted to lean her over it. The memory of the last time, Lexa’s hands were on her rushed through her and her tears began to flow again. She closed her eyes because she knew they were talking but she couldn’t understand. So she closed her eyes so that it would only be their voice that she needed to concentrate on.

She felt the cold cup press into her hand and the condensation coated her still tear drenched hand. She tried to move the straw to her lips, but she couldn’t focus enough to move that much.

Lexa was speaking and moving around the room, when the cup exploded under her grip. Choking on each sob, she cried out softly over and over again in pain, until real pain took hold of her. It started in her back and radiated through her lower body. She squeezed the cup until it cracked and crinkled, sending the milky beverage to the wall, the table, the floor, the bed. Everywhere one would look was chai tea latter. Only when the cup was effectively demolished did she release it.

She gripped her lower abdomen, and felt liquid rush from within her. She worried at first that she had urinated on herself, but then the second wave struck and she knew that something was wrong.

Clarke couldn’t make out their words though because another pain ripped through her and this time she screamed. She screamed because everything hurt so much. She screamed because her heart was breaking along with her body.

**~Lexa~**

They called for her the second they crossed the threshold. They knew that she was home, and they hoped that she was resting in bed. Her body had been through so much already and they just wanted to wait on her. They wanted her to stay in bed and… _No, that is what got you into this to begin with._

They made it to the bedroom, and saw her shaking. It took only moments for them to hear the sniffles and the muffled cries, coming from the small blonde wearing nothing but a pair of underwear. They moved to her side and placed her drink on the side table. They watched her eyes track it and they knew that later they would have to thank Raven for telling them to get it.

_Oh Clarke. My love you are covered in boogers. This must be karma for wiping mocos on Ryder._

They reached over and wiped away their wife’s tears, and as they wiped her boogers from her nose, they said, “I love you, and I need you to know that I have messed up. I should have been there when you needed me.”

They leaned down and they kissed her. Focusing only on her face, so she would know that they were there for her. Not for Levi but for her. That they loved her.

They shifted to sit up. There was still so much to say, and they wanted to give her her stupid drink so that she would listen to them. She felt her struggling to move next to them, so they helped her. Shifting her legs and supporting her back, until she was sitting on the edge of the bed.

 “I have wanted you since the day we met, and I know I haven’t shown you that. But Clarke, I am here. I am here and I promise-“

They are cut off by first the sound of the Starbucks cup imploding throughout the room. They wondered briefly if she had read their message and become enraged. But then they heard the scream tear through their beautiful wife.

Her body contracted forward, and they moved just in time to catch her as her body began to plummet to the floor. Her face was twisted in an what Lexa could only image as agony, and when they glanced up, they saw the bed drenched with hints of blood through out.

Clarke shook in their arms, and another scream shattered the last sense of priority Lexa thought they had. With fear pulsing through them, Lexa pulled Clarke up into bridal style, “Por favor, Clarke, just hold on for me. We are going to get you to the hospital.”

They would have been crying, but there wasn’t time. Octavia rushes into the room to see her mostly naked mother in Lexa’s arms being moved to the front of the house. Octavia is quick and grabs an a blanket from the back of the couch, to throw over Clarke, as Lexa is moving out the front door.

“It’s going to be okay, Prisa. We’re going to get you to the hospital. Please Klark, just hold on for me,” they say as they move quickly down the last few steps of the front and out to the Audi. Octavia already has the car running and is sitting in the back seat, where Lexa negotiates Clarke’s shaking body.

She hasn’t stopped sobbing, when the next contraction- at least Lexa thinks it's a contraction- hits her, tearing another raspy scream from within her. Octavia is in the back with her hands over her ears and Lexa realizes that the girl is hyperventilating and rocking herself back and forth.

_Fuck!!!_

“Baby girl!” Lexa yells back at the teen. “Octavia. Baby, I need you to hold it together. I need you to hold your mom’s hand.” They are trying to be calm, but the teen is lost in her own tears, and Lexa’s voice cracks, because Clarke is still crying out in pain.

They throw the car in reverse and then drive. Moving faster than in a normal situation they would ever consider driving while Clarke or Octavia or Levi would be in the vehicle.

_I didn’t get to tell her how special she was._

They turned left onto 75th Ave.

_I did this to her._

Hit the signal, and pushed the car to 65 in the 40 mph zone.

_I pushed her too far, as Abby said I would._

Right onto Thunderbird Rd, and through the next two yellow lights.

_I broke her heart and now she was breaking completely._

Right into the Emergency room, and they throw the car into park. Octavia is out of the car first, squatting next to the vehicle, emptying her stomach with tears rushing down her face.

Lexa knows the girl is having a panic attack, but they can only do so much and Clarke was letting out another unbearable scream, like she was being torn apart.

“Clarke, I love you. I love you so much. I am sorry I didn’t have sex with you. I’m sorry. Its not that I didn’t want to,” they say trying to tell her. Trying to tell her what she needs to know so that she knows that they love her.

They are trying to get her from the car, but she twisted while they drove, and now there is no easy way to pick her up. But a nurse is there and then another, and they brought a bed.

The security guard pulled Lexa back, and they struggled, but then they didn’t have to because Lexa stood still and watched. They watched as the nurses pulled Clarke’s shaking form from the car. They watched as they spoke to her, and were holding on to her. Lexa felt like they should be moving fast, but then noticed that everyone was talking so slowly.

When time caught up with their processing it was like the air had been knocked out of them, and Abby was running to them with Arizona moving as fast as she could behind her. They wanted to know what happened, but Lexa didn’t have an answer for them. They moved instead to the sobbing girl on the side walk that was kneeling over her own vomit and they pulled her into them.

Because their world was collapsing and they were no better off than they were the day before. It was back to just Lexa and their baby. And maybe this is where they should have stayed the day before. Stayed holding Octavia as the world kept moving, and then Clarke wouldn’t have gone home and been mad at them. And then they would have realized what was happening and Octavia wouldn’t of had another panic attack.

 “I love you so much, Clarke, and I am going to make it up to you. I am going to make it up to you. Please, Clarke,” the continued to say though Clarke was gone again. Taken again back behind those locked doors, but this time Abby was there. And then Octavia was being pulled into a wheel chair, and Lexa was pulled to their feet by the tiny brunette that was much stronger than they thought.

**~Clarke~**

It wasn’t supposed to feel like this. Nothing was supposed to be like this. She had read the books, and none said her body would be trying to twist itself into a knot.

_Please Levi, please._

She felt the hands on her, and she could hear her daughter’s voice and Lexa’s but everything hurt too much to process their words.

 “FUCK!” she screamed as her body was moved from the car to the bed and the lights were passing by. “FUCK!!!! LEXA!!!!!” She screamed because there was nothing else she could do.

_It’s not supposed to be like this._

She closed her eyes and let the blackness envelope her. But then the pain stopped. The pain stopped and Clarke felt as though she was floating.

**~Lexa~**

Their name was the last thing that they heard her say, when Abby pushed them into the room. Clarke was on a table, with both her arms out like she was about to be crucified. They had needles in her arms, and they were putting up a blue screen that shielded the top of her body from the lower half.

“Lexa!” and two hands clapped before their face.

They tore their eyes from the blonde only to once again see the wrong blonde in front of them.

“What!?” they growled.

Arizona stood up straighter and looked at them. They knew they snapped at her, but she interrupted them. They needed to be looking at Clarke to see if there was anything she needed.

“Lexa, I need to take out the baby. They’re coming anyways, and she is not doing well.”

The looked back at Clarke. She wanted to push. She had read about oxytocin and how it helps build the mother-child bond. She had wanted to be there and coherent, so that she could hold Levi when they came into this world. She wanted…

“Lexa. I need to take this baby out now so nod that you agree.”

They looked back at her, and whispered, “this isn’t what she wants.”

The doctor huffed and growled at her. “Your wife is possibly dying Lexa. Do you hear me. She is dying and Levi are dying. Let me take this baby out so at least I can save them.”

“Do it.” That was all they could say, and Arizona didn’t wait. She placed the blade to Clarke’s stomach and cut while they watched.

They watched as their friend literally cut into their wife, and pulled the blue faced baby from her.

They watched as they unwound the cord from around Levi’s neck, and the child flung their little first in the air.

They watched as Arizona cut the cord and their child screamed for the loss of the connection with their mother.

They watched because they couldn’t do anything but watch. They could do anything but watch as they were pushed away when the montiors stopped beeping and screeched.

Then they watched from the floor where they had fallen. They watched as Clarke’s body came off the table thanks to the electrical paddles. And they watched as it happened again and again and again.

And then they couldn’t watch anymore. They couldn’t watch anymore, so they closed their eyes. They closed their eyes and they whispered, “I need you, Clarke.”

_Beep!_

And the line jumped and fell.

_Beep!_

And the line jumped and fell once more.

And they opened their eyes, because their wife’s heart was beating, and Arizona was moving as fast as she could to close Clarke’s stomach. There was still yelling of instructions and Arizona was commanding the room, but then there was a small elderly woman, holding out Levi to them.

“Come hold your daughter,” she said.

“Their name is Levi,” Lexa whispered, and the tiny baby that was a premie but still looked like a huge infant snuggled into Lexa’s arms. They couldn’t look away from the pale little face that scrunched in annoyance at having been pulled into this world. But Lexa loved the little human, because this little person was Clarke. Had Clarke’s little nose and Clarke’s grumpy morning face.

“Welcome, to the world, Levi Orion Trikru-Griffin.”

**~Clarke~**

She turned her head and took in the beautiful green eyes. They were worried and Clarke could see the tears falling down their face, but she didn’t understand why. She blinked again and then heard the beeping.

“Klarke,” they whispered.

Fear began to flood her system again, and she knew that something was wrong. She looked down and was shocked to see her feet. She hadn’t seen her feet in weeks and tears rushed down her face, and she touched her stomach. She touched where Levi was supposed to be, but it was empty. She was empty and her child was gone.

“Klarke,” Lexa whispered again. “Levi twisted and they think that the accident caused too much trauma. You went into early labor and they preformed an emergency C-section. You passed out, and I had to make the decision. I’m sorry, Prisa. I know this isn’t want you wanted, but I had to protect you. I had to protect you and Levi. I’m so sorry.”

Clarke closed her eyes and listened to her partner. She was trying to process what was being said, but it was so much. Too much to handle. Because Levi was gone. Where was Levi?

And then there was a soft cry.

 _Levi_?

She opened her eyes and took in Lexa’s profile looking in the direction of the sound of her baby. Her baby. Levi.

Lexa was still crying, but they face was different now. A mixture of fear and adoration, and Clarke remembered a time when Lexa would look at her like that. When Lexa looked at her like she was the sun in the sky.

Arizona appeared and placed the tiny flailing form across Clarke’s chest and she got to see the infant for the first time. She took in the scrunched screaming face, and soft brown curls already popping out of the infants head. Their tiny balled up fists that shook.

“Everything is good, and the lungs sound like they are working expectionally well for being weeks early,” Arizona says to Lexa, as Clarke just looks at the baby. She moves her arms to hold the child as it screams out.

 _My baby,_ she reminds herself. But she doesn’t feel like this is her baby. She doesn’t feel like this could be possible, since it wasn’t the way it was suppose to happen.

She was supposed to have more time. She was supposed to have more time to plan and convince Lexa to love her again. She was supposed to have pushed Levi into this world.

But Lexa took it all away from her.

She watched as Lexa’s hands reached over and gently picked up the squirming form.  She watched as they pressed their lips to Levi’s little head. And she knew that they had been waiting to do that since she told them, they managed to get pregnant on the first try.

Lexa was smiling at her then, and told her, “You did it, Prisa. You made the perfect child.” And they pressed their lips to the baby’s head again.

Jealousy tore through her, as she watched Lexa hold their child to them, cradling their head carefully and whispering sweet words of love. She turned her head to hide the tears that began to fall again.

_It wasn’t supposed to be like this._


	11. You don't always realize what you're doing... sometimes people have to realize it for you...

**~Raven~**

The younger Trikru Griffin was pacing in Raven’s room, as the older girl lay in bed resenting this new reality by the moment. The reality that Levi was born and she was stuck in this bed and no one would tell her when she could go see her new little sibling. That Octavia was moving so much, and she couldn’t just stick her foot out and trip the girl from within herself.

The thought of Octavia falling face first on to the disgusting ICU floor made her smile momentarily. But only momentarily, because the stupid monitor beeped and reminded her that she was in this stupid fucking bed.

She hit the bed. The strike was weak because she didn’t have any force without the help of her weak and sore back muscles. The sound though, pulled Octavia from her own thoughts over to Raven’s bed.

“What’s wrong? What can I do?” she asked.

Raven shot her a glare, and stated, “I don’t need help. I need to go see Mom and Levi.”

Octavia looked down, and Raven could see the guilt flushing her face. “Stop feeling sorry for me,” Raven stated putting on her best Lexa face.

But the other teen started to cry and crawled into Raven’s bed, making Raven her bog spoon. As Raven wrapped her arm around Octavia, having still been required to lay on her side, the other girl let all of the words she had been holding in.

“I couldn’t be there for her. She was always there for me and she was screaming and all I kept seeing was that fucking truck. And I just couldn’t…”

Raven pulled Octavia in closers, shushing her as best she could, but the other girl kept crying and confessing her nightmares.

“I haven’t slept. I just keep seeing it all over and over again. And I just keep thinking that I almost lost you all…”

The words sunk in, and Raven considered what she meant. Slowly, she whispered, “You would have still had Nontu. That's why they adopted us.”

Octavia sobbed harder, and whispered in a choked sob, “What if they leave?”

Raven hugged her sister and buried her face into the other girl’s hair. She inhaled and considered how Lexa would handle losing the love of their life.

_Would they run away from the pain?_

And then, _I would._

She closed her eyes and cried her own silent tears, because she knew that there was a possibility she would never run again. Reality of this had been sinking in over the past twenty-four hours. All of the things she took for granted. Even the boyfriend that seemed to be missing in action was something she realized she had begun to think was so solid. But it had been almost a day and no one had heard from him. It hit Raven then that Octavia was probably feeling his absence just as badly as she was.

_But that’s his MO, when shit sucks he goes all radio silence._

Gradually, she pulled herself from her own musings. Her sister needed her, and she could do that without a leg. She could be the sister that Octavia needed.

“O, we need to go see Mom,” The girl wiggled slightly, and then let out another sob.

“I don’t know how to get you there.”

A throat cleared at that moment from the doorway, and both girls jumped slightly. The jolt made Raven suck in a harsh breath, because the movement pulled at the wound on her back and it hurt. Not like a little hurt, but the kind that makes someone want to bite through their own tongue kind of pain. The kind that doesn’t fade immediately.

The beeping monitor increased as her body tried to deal with the sensation that was still rippling through her.

“You okay, Raven?” Callie asked, taking a few steps into a room.

Raven waved at her, as she took a few deep breathe. _Oxygen helps. Just breathe._

“I’m good. You scared me is all,” the teen explained.

Callie nodded, and Raven felt the gentle fingers on her back. Callie pulled back the bandage and checked the wound. “No split stitches or red ridges. So, that means I get to take you out of ICU.”

Raven shifted her neck to peer over at the doctor, “Really?”

Callie smiled and nodded. She moved to the other side of the bed, and pushed some hair out of Octavia’s face. She leaned down, and whispered to the girl, “Little Levi is so excited to meet their big sisters.”

Raven tried to sit up some, but another wave of pain rushed through her and through clenched teeth she asked the now concerned surgeon, “So how do we get there?”

Callie shook her head, “The deal is you stop trying to move, and I will be relocating your bed, to the same room that Clarke is in. When they go home, you will be put into a recovery room. But your Gram… so weird saying that… has pulled her strings to get you in Clarke’s room until then.”

Raven nodded, excited to see her parents. Excited to meet the newest Trikru-Griffin, and truly excited for a change in scenery.

She buried her face into Octavia again, and hugged the girl with her one arm. She said, “I can’t wait to see how excited Mom is now that Levi is here.” Octavia nodded, her hair tickling the other’s nose.

 

**~Octavia~**

The blonde lay in the bed resting, while Raven lay in her own bed holding the newest addition to their family. I was already clear how attached Raven was to the infant that they hadn’t let go of since Callie had wheeled her into the room.

Octavia stood by taking in the little smooshed face. She smiled as she saw her mother’s ears and little nose, while the soft brown swirls already poking from the kid’s hair and the perfect little lips were so Lexa. The kid was several weeks early, but was large and there was no doubt that the weight Clarke had been stressing over had come out with this kid.

She was happy to see the baby, but after a few minutes of watching the whole scene, she couldn’t deny that something was wrong. Clarke had barely touched the baby, and grew frustrated when the lactation nurse was all up in her bust as she pushed and pulled the little body. The lady did not take the hint that Clarke was a control freak and wanted to be just told, not have some stranger’s hands all over her chest. When she got to frustrated, Clarke had snapped at the nurse and sent her from the room. She quickly handed the baby off to Lexa who took the baby and focused all their love and adoration in their direction. Not even glancing over at Clarke, who was staring at them. Not her baby, but staring at Lexa.

And in that moment, Octavia couldn’t care less about the screaming ball of flesh that Lexa’s eyes were locked to. Octavia couldn’t care less because her mother was laying in the bed and Octavia could see the silent tears that were not being shed. She knew those tears because more often than not it was stupid shit that she did that would cause them.

Raven had fallen asleep with the baby. Noticing her sleeping sister, Octavia went to the bed and gently picked up the also sleeping kid. She moved Levi to the small incubator looking thing that Arizona had explained was necessary only because of how young Levi was. She looked at the kid, before setting them down.

She wanted to feel happy for them, but was too upset at how much pain the kid was causing her mom. No one seemed to notice that Clarke was breaking, but Octavia knew. Octavia knew that her mother was lost in these moments that she had been so excited for.

No matter how often the baby was handed to the blonde, she had held them for but a few moments before giving them back to Lexa. Not like she really had a choice, since Lexa was hovering over her and doting on every little squirm the kid made.

_They should be here with her. Why don’t they see?_

Octavia’s teeth ground as her jaw shifted back and forth. Clarke was curled up on her side, and Octavia wanted nothing more than to crawl into the bed with her again, just like she had the day before. To wrap her arms around her mother. To tell her that she loved her and that she was fucking amazing. Because this was the second time in two days that Clarke was holed up in one of these fucking beds.

She took a seat on the awkwardly shaped chair, and watched the two people she loved most sleep.

Just as she managed to shift into a comfortable position, the door clicked, and she turned her gaze up to see Arizona entering with the harsh hall lighting flowing through the doorway. The blonde doctor moved into the room and checked the monitors.

The doctor’s eyes met the teen’s, and Octavia wondered if she could see her rage boiling. Wondered if Arizona knew that she may have destroyed their family because she told Lexa no more sex, which she knew because Clarke had broken down in tears a few weeks before confessing her fears to the girl about Lexa losing desire for her. She hadn’t wanted to tell the teen, but Octavia had hounded her to explain the secret sorrow she carrying in her eyes.

“Her stats are good, Octavia. She is going to make a fast recovery,” the doctor said, and moved to the chair next to her.

“She’s not going to be okay,” Octavia stated quietly, wringing her hands and pushing at the pads of each finger. She wanted to punch her for hurting her mom.

But then the doctor’s hand found hers, and she squeezed lightly. “What do you mean?”

Octavia waved to Clarke, “She is not going to be okay, because of everything. She is not here and my little sibling was taken from her. She feels broken and lost and no one else seems to notice because all they care about is Levi. But she is not okay, and none of you even care.”

Arizona looked her over, “Did she tell you that?”

Octavia shook her head, then whispered, “She won’t look at Levi and keeps tracking Nontu. It’s not fucking rocket science.”

**~Lexa~**

The hall way was clean and people were moving around the area, arms loaded with balloons, flowers and stuffed toys. They had made it to the doorway of Clarke’s room, when they heard their daughter speaking to their friend. Her words were tight and hushed, but Lexa heard Octavia reinforce their fears.

“She feels broken and lost and none else seems to notice… she is not okay, and none of you even care.”

_I care._

They hide themselves just on the outside of the door. Their head hit the wall lightly, as they shuttered and shook, until their knees couldn’t support them any longer. They dropped to the floor, knowing now that they were too late. They were too late to realize they had broken her. They had broken the sun, and there was nothing they could do.

They hit their head to the wall again, but then there were hands on them.

Looking up she took in the brown eyes of their mother-in-law. Lexa wished that they could be smiling. Wished that their family could be celebrating Levi’s birth. But no one was celebrating really.

How could they celebrate, when Raven was laying in a bed partially paralyzed?

How could they celebrate, when Levi was six weeks early and lying in an incubator?

How could they celebrate, when Clarke was broken and lost without anyone noticing?

“I…” they start but Abby’s arms pull them into her, and cut off their words. Her hands are strong and the embrace eases Lexa’s tension momentarily. They cling to the small woman, and sob into her shoulder. “I wanted to protect her and I fucked up so badly, Mom.”

Abby’s hand is holding their head, and she is whispering, “Lexa, you need to be strong now. We are all here. Raven will be fine. Callie is the best. And Clarke is going to be a great mom. She is just in shock. So much as happened.”

**~Abby~**

Arizona exited the room and found the two on the floor of the hospital. She leaned awkwardly over them and rested a hand on Abby’s shoulder, before she whispered, “We all need to talk.”

Abby and Lexa broke apart and looked at the ex-wife of her best friend. Her eyes were soft, but Abby knew the concern buried in her irises. She had seen that look before. She sucked in her breath and held it momentarily.

Without giving Arizona the chance to speak, she asked, “Postpartum?”

Arizona nodded softly, and began her explanation, “After speaking with Octavia, it appears to be all of the signs.” She paused as Lexa choked back their own sob. Abby’s heart broke at seeing Lexa so vulnerable, and distraught. She had always known that this person loved her daughter, but she knew that this was going push and pull them in unimaginable ways.

Abby drew careful circles into Lexa’s back as they pulled their knees into their chest. She watched them shutter with each breath.

“Lexa, its going to be okay. We are going to get through this. I survived postpartum, and so will she. She is stronger than I ever was,” Abby says, but she feels the pain that Lexa does. She had been wrecked with depression after giving birth to Clarke, which was why it was so easy to pull away from her daughter and go after her dreams.

“Lexa,” the other doctor said carefully as she sat down on ground next to her friend. “This will be hard and she is going to need your support,” the woman explained.

Lexa eyes were locked to her, while their head rested on their knees. “Did you get a chance to speak with her before?”

Lexa shook their head and another tear slipped out. “She was already… I tried… she is going to hate me.”

Abby rubbed Lexa’s back again, while Arizona explained further. “You need to be attentive to her and the baby, Lex. She needs you now more than anything. She needs to know that you still love her more than anything.”

“I do love her more than anything. I wanted her to be happy and I wanted her to be safe. I didn’t know that…”

**~Octavia~**

The adults outside the door were not quiet, and Octavia could hear the discussion-taking place outside, and her anger welled up again. Her hands gripped the side of the chair and she released when she felt her nails digging into her skin.

 _Things weren’t supposed to be like this_.

She thought of all that was supposed to be happening. She thought of graduating in a month, and how Raven was suppose to cross the stage with her. She thought of how Clarke was suppose to be cuddling with Levi, not sleeping alone in this fucking room, while Lexa sits outside and cries for hurting her mother.

She closed her eyes, wishing she could slip into sleep. She hadn’t found rest very restful since the accident. The truck flashed behind her eyes and then she watched as Raven twisted in the air. She sucked in her breath and jumped form her chair. She couldn’t rest. She needed to keep going. If she kept going then she would exhaust herself into a dreamless sleep.

So she paced. She paced back and forth, contemplating how she could put her family back together.

Ten steps to the door.

_I could sleep in the nursery and just make the bottle when Levi woke up. Then they can sleep. Mom said she was just going to pump anyways._

Turn, and take ten more steps back in the opposite direction.

_Raven will need physical therapy. I can be the one to take her to her appointments, then they can spend more time together._

Turn, then ten more steps.

_Lincoln can help with meals and stuff, and just sleep in his old room._

Turn, two steps…

“Stop pacing, O. You know I hate that shit.”

Octavia turned to see her mom moving carefully. She turned her body back and pushed the button that moved her to a seated position.

As the bed was moving, the three adults from the outside moved quickly within the room. Octavia watched as Lexa made their way directly to the bed and wrapped Clarke in a strong hug. Only pulling away, to take her head into their hands.

“Klark, I love you. I love you more than anything.”

Her eyes took in the lack of emotion in the blonde, but just watched Lexa as though they were a stranger. As though they were not the love of her life. She felt her own emotions cracking, as she realized just how right she had been.

She didn’t want Clarke to be broken. She had wanted Clarke to wake up and demanded to see Levi. She had wanted Clarke to look at Lexa and tell them how much she loved them back.

But she didn’t. She nodded instead and just looked at them.

“Tell them you love them back,” Octavia demanded, and all eyes shifted to her. Her face red and swollen from all the tears she had shed and her lack of sleep.

She stood still, staring Clarke down. Needing for her to snap out of herself.

Clarke turned back to Lexa and looked at them, “I love you, Lex.”

Lexa hands pulled at Clarke’s head, and pulled her into their chest, but before she got there she let out an awful hiss, and clutched at her abdomen.

“I’m sorry, Prisa,” Lexa said again, but Octavia was sick of hearing Lexa’s apologies. Apologies were not going to help her mother. She turned to the incubator and picked up Levi.

Carrying them over to Clarke, she put the baby in Clarke’s arms. Clarke looked at her and then at Lexa. Octavia didn’t miss the fact that Clarke hadn’t looked at Levi yet. She stared at her mom, and then stated, “You need to snap out of this. You need to look at that kid because they look like Nontu. And you love Nontu, so you need to love them. Love them like you love me, Mom.”

Clarke blinked and Octavia could tell that she was processing. Octavia gestured to the room, and then back to the baby. “We are all here for you, Mom. But you have to be here too, and you’re not.”

Her mother still just looked over at Lexa and then her eyes looked down at Levi. She waited to see the love, but nothing came. The blue still just void of anything.

_Fuck you, Mom._

Knowing she was running out of options, she took the infant from Clarke’s arms, and handed the baby to Lexa. Only giving her the opportunity to be a mother will help her. Control is what Clarke thrived on, and Octavia knew this. Quickly the teen stated, “Well, I guess since Mom can’t get her shit together, you're the new boss of the house, Nontu.”

Lexa’s brows scrunched, and looked over at Octavia as they pulled their baby into them. But they were halted, by Clarke. Who reached over and took her child back. Took her child back into her arms and looked down at them.

“Watch your mouth, O. I don’t want Levi’s first words being shit or fuck.”

Everyone held their breath, and they watched as Clarke actually looked at the baby that had spent the last seven and a half months growing within her. Octavia watched all of the faces with satisfaction, because she knew her mom. She knew that Clarke could never let Lexa have that kind of the control, and she reveled in her superiority. Moving away from the bed, to where Raven was laying still asleep, she crawled back into her sister’s bed and let the older girl shift some of her weight onto her.

_You can do this, Mom._

She kept her eyes open so the nightmares wouldn’t return, and watched as Clarke mapped her baby’s face, and pressed a finger into the little hand. She smiled when she heard Clarke finally whisper to the waking baby, “Hello, Peanut.”


	12. Every person in your story is important though... their emotions and thoughts and fears are what makes up every moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I did shitty editing... if that annoys you then don't read until the morning.

**~Raven~**

Clarke and Levi were released three days later after Arizona gave the final okay and instructions that Levi was not to leave the house for at least a few weeks to keep the newbie from any potential illness threats for their still little immune system. With their release, Raven too was moved to another room, and the swelling as decreased and her wounds were healing, Callie and Abby prepared for the next impending operation.

Today was the big day though.

Clarke and Lexa were with her when Callie and Abby made their pitch for what they wanted to do. The feeling in her leg was still nonexistent besides the sensation of pressure when applied to create an uncomfortable reaction. Callie spoke of placing a nerve from her thigh into her spine to make it so that the pathway could be restored. Raven watched and listened to the plan, thinking that if the doctor was as good as everyone kept saying, then why had she only ever done this once before.

She had much alone time to consider what she wanted, as Octavia had returned to school and Clarke was at home with Levi. Her thoughts shifted momentarily to how her parents were holding up.

Lexa looked exhausted and Clarke still withdrawn, but they were here now, both very focused on what was being explained. She returned her focus to the doctors that were honestly only talking to Lexa and Clarke, and she caught the last bit of the pitch.

“If all goes well, she will be in physical therapy within two months. Walking in hopefully three,” Callie stated.

_Three months. I’m supposed to graduate with O in three weeks._

“And if I don’t want it?” she asked, realizing that this had never been discussed or even part of the plan. All eyes turned and analyzed her then. She was sitting up in bed, a feat in itself after so many tries and crippling pain.

“Honey?” Abby started, but then she paused her brows furrowed at Callie in confusion. Raven knew they were trying to determine what they had said to scare her away from the surgery.

_I’m not scared._

Raven gripped the side rails and adjusted herself. She never realized how much she used her leg until it was unresponsive. Sitting up a little straighter now, her eyes followed everyone’s concerned gaze on her. She wasn’t too sure how to begin with relaying her thoughts, because she had never had to share her decisions and expect someone to comment on them before.

But here she was, with her new parents and grandmother, and grandmother’s hot friend, and she was about to make a huge decision that everyone,  including herself had to live with.

“I want to graduate,” she started.

Lexa was the first to respond, as though stating the obvious helped the situation, “You are going to graduate.”

Raven rolled her eyes, the movement perfect after substantial modeling of the action from the blonde and teen, and then spoke again, this time with a little more precision. “No shit, Nontu. I mean, I want to go across the stage, even if it is in a fucking chair. I want out of this bed and by the sounds of it if I choose the miracle procedure, then there will be no graduation stage, there will be no prom, and there will be no last month of high school. I will miss O’s last state finals, and fuckin’ eh, I already missed three of those from the Disney princess. I want to hold my Levi,” and she had a shit ton of other wants that all revolved around getting out of this fucking bed, but those were the important ones for now.

“So I say no surgery. I say, we get me a chair, or a brace, or fucking moped, and blow this shit hole.”

The eyes on her didn’t change. They all just stared at her. She shifted her ass a little, and hoped that no one noticed the way that her hands were shaking.

“Okay.”

She had to double take, because Clarke had spoken, and to be honest Raven’s mother had had little to say. She wondered if everything was okay with her mom, if Lexa had spoken to her. By the looks of things though, they hadn’t.

“Okay,” Clarke said again, only looking at Raven.

Lexa moved though and stood in front of Clarke. They blocked Raven’s view some of the blonde, and they were clearly not happy with the decision. “No, not okay. This is a chance for her to walk again. This is a chance for her to be nor-“ but their words were cut off when their head lunged forward after an ice cube binged off their head and ricocheted to the floor with an inaudible thump.

Lexa turned slowly, to see Raven with her face set in her own commander mask and arms folded across her chest. Lips set in a way to say, ‘fucking test me right now.’

But Lexa tried, “Raven, you need to think about this-“

And then Raven’s hand was up, and Lexa was silent.

“I have thought about it, Nontu.” Each word was solid and simple. No breathy concern or worry, just the typical set determination that Raven tackled any new challenge with. “No body get’s a second chance at high school, and I did. I want to live it.”

“But-“

“No.”

Abby tried this time, “Ray, please baby, let’s talk about this.”

But Raven shook her head, looking directly to Callie, “Could we do this in two months?”

Callie looked to Abby and then back at Raven, “It is better, if we did it now.”

“The words your didn’t say, mean that yes, I could live my last month of high school and then proceed on this surgical miracle that will make you famous?”

Callie swallowed and Raven glanced over to see that Lexa was staring the surgeon down. _They are scary when they are angry,_ Raven had to admit. But she wasn’t backing down.

“Silence is a yes, then, and Nontu leave her alone. I am 18 and you can’t make this decision for me,” she reminded them, knowing that it would sting them a little, but it was the truth.

Lexa shook their head and turned to Clarke, “You are fine with her doing this?”

The blue eyes met the begging brown, and answered, “Yes.”

 _Well that is three words so far,_ Raven thought trying to brush away the growing knot in her stomach from the knowledge that there was definitely something wrong with her mom if she was agreeing with her instead of Lexa. Clarke had always defended Lexa, no matter what.

“She is a child.”

Raven chucked another ice cube, pegging Lexa in the cheek this time. The green eyes snapped to her and she smirked with a titled head. “You just called me a child. Just because I am stuck in this bed right now doesn’t mean I can’t think up marvelous childish ways to get your attention and annoy you.”

And with that Lexa huffed out of the room.

A part of Raven screamed, wanting to run after them. Hoping beyond hope that they had just left the room and not the building, or possibly the state. Because no matter how hard anyone wanted to trust Lexa, they all still wondered if there would be a point that they would pick up all their shit and just drive away.

But Lexa came back into the room holding a cup. They took two steps to the bed, and poured the cup of ice cubes on Raven’s head. Raven jumped a little, well as much as she could, but burst into a fit of laughter that seemed to just fume up Lexa’s rage a little more.

“You want a war, Commander Trikru? You got it,” Raven choked out between laughs.

She turned to Callie, “I want a chair or crutches or whatever, so I can get mobile. I need to be able to move if I am going to plan a stealth attack on Nontu.”

**~Octavia~**

Tossing her bag to the fence, Octavia squatted down next to it and pulled out her gear. The downfall of being catcher on a division 1 team, meant all warm-up drills were done in full gear. Once all her pads were out of the bag, she moved to the bench and started strapping everything on. She barely noticed the small freshman sit down next to her, with her own set of pads.

The girl was smaller than she, probably about fourteen. Octavia knew that she was from the JV team and was her replacement for the following year, called up to varsity for the last few practices and tournament of the year for experience.

“You’re The Octavia Blake. The girl that Griffin adopted.”

Octavia froze. She analyzed the split sunflower seed shells that were crunched into the ground. She knew that punching the kid was a bad idea, so she needed to calm down before she dressed the girl.

But then the girl spoke again, “That must be cool and weird. I mean having the whole school know you and all. But it’s like totally awesome that Griffin is like really there for people like she says she is. I mean you are like so lucky to have her. What do you think would have happened if she hadn’t rescued you?”

Octavia turned sharply to stare into the girl, wishing for eye lasers just to obliterate her from her presence. But she was met with soft green eyes and a thin face, just like Lexa’s. And the girl was not smiling, she was just looking at Octavia. Looking at her, with something buried there.

Octavia blinked and looked her up and down, biting her tongue as she took in all that was the girl.

_What the fuck is her name?_

She still hadn’t said anything, and the girl shifted a little, staring out on to the field instead.

The kid opened her mouth again, but then shut it. Octavia took in the gulp of saliva and the way the kid’s jaw clenched. She took in the hickey on the back of the girl’s neck that only came from when someone is behind you.

She analyzed the slumped shoulders, and the way the girl hunched forward and rested her arms on her geared up legs. Watched the way her hands shook a little, and then tensed.

Octavia was processing it all. And she knew. She knew that the girl was trying to say something.

“Trikru-Griffin.”

The girl glanced over at her after barely shifting her head. Her eyes were still cast down, and her head hung.

“That’s our last name. Mine, Griffin’s, Trikru’s, and my sister Raven and the new one Levi,” Octavia said, as though she needed to explain who she was. Then slowly, she asked, “And who are you?”

“Tris.” The exchange was simple and the girl pushed up from the bench. “We’re suppose to train today. Anya said you are to throw a shit ton of balls at me and I was to block them at all cost.”

Octavia watched the girl standing with her back to her. She knew that stance and she knew when someone was breaking from the inside out.

“What’s your last name?”

Tris turned and looked at her. She swallowed again. Not a thirst swallow, but a nervous one. She was calculating her response. “Washington.”

“Do you have my mom this year, Washington?” Octavia asked, returning to her straps. Trying to be nonchalant.

“No, but I heard she is the best.”

Octavia smiled at that, and said, “Yeah, she is the best.”

“How did she help you?” the girl asked barely over a whisper, and Octavia sat up straight. She looked at the girl who was supposed to just be here to train. The girl that was supposed to be her replacement.

Octavia swallowed this time, “Do you need help, Washington?”

Their eyes were stuck together, held by the knowing that both contained, but neither wanting to be the first to admit it.

But they didn’t have a chance.

Monroe ran into the dugout, carrying her bag and flung herself over Octavia’s legs and hugged her best friend. “O, baby, we have to go Friday. It's like the last party of the year.”

Octavia turned her attention to wear Tris had been standing but the girl was gone. It took the teen a moment to locate her again; finding her already running the required warm-up laps.

“Do you know that kid?” Octavia asked and Monroe shifted in her catcher’s lap and looked over to where Tris was running.

“Um… Tris something. JV, freshmen, and crazy party girl. Like you sort of crazy. Totally digs chicks and was all over me a few weeks ago, but she totally has the hots for you because she kept asking me all sorts of questions about you,” Monroe stated, looking back at her friend.

“Parents?”

Monroe lifted a brow, and shrugged, “Dunno, I just made out with her for awhile and got tired of talking about you. She got the hint and I saw her leaving with Talia.”

“You let her leave with Talia. That girl is all about the pussy and doesn’t give a shit about anyone but getting laid.”

Monroe moved off of Octavia, and looked at her and then back at the kid, “You have a thing for her?” The question wasn’t innocent, it was accusatory in the how can  you leave me for Lincoln and then fall for a freshman sort of way.

Octavia shook her head, “There’s something wrong. She kept talking about my mom and how its awesome she saved me.”

Monroe looked back and they both watched the younger girl jogging around the back fence.

“She’s a party animal like you, isn’t she?” Monroe asked, and Octavia closed her eyes only to pop them back open as the truck flashed again in her imagination.

“I hope not.”

**~Clarke~**

The drive home was silent, as Lexa tapped their fingers on the steering wheel to the song playing on the radio. They hadn’t spoken much since returning home. Clarke just really didn’t know what to say. She knew when Octavia put Levi in her arms that first day that she was trying to manipulate her, trying to play to her weaknesses. So she let her think that she had won.

But really she had won nothing.

Everything still hurt, and now she had stitches to go along with that pain. Exhaustion was setting in, because she wasn’t producing milk the way she wanted to and breast-feeding was torture. She just wanted to pump, but Lexa was insisting that she take the time she had with Levi to bond. Giving her all sorts of evidence how it would help Levi in the long run, and that she would learn to love the moments with their child.

It wasn’t working though.

It wasn’t working because there was only one person that Clarke wanted touching her tits and it wasn’t that kid that took all of Lexa’s unoccupied time.

 _Maybe getting pregnant was a mistake,_ she thought again. Because this wasn’t the first time she had wondered that.

Her family had been perfect. Her relationship perfect. And then she had to insist on getting fat and now she was nothing to Lexa but the food source for their child.

 _Their child_.

“How could you take her side?” Lexa finally breathed out.

Clarke glanced over at them. She knew that they were upset with her, and she wanted to care. She really wanted to care. But she didn’t. She didn’t care because the only she wanted was for Lexa to love her again.

“Clarke, are you even listening?”

 _Yes, I am thinking._ And then she realized that she still hadn’t said anything and Lexa was sitting at the red light just staring at her.

She looked down at her hands, and then closed her very tired eyes. Carefully, she answered the first question but not the second, “Its her body.”

_Just like my body was mine until you decided to take my baby and stop loving me._

**~Octavia~**

“She doesn’t block well enough yet,” Anya stated, looking at Tris’s crouched stance. The younger girl was waiting, but Octavia was still just watching her. She wasn’t sure how to proceed with the girl. She wasn’t Clarke and knew she could never be Clarke. She wasn’t out to save the world, and who was she to tell Tris what to do. Her family was a mess right now, and Clarke was like MIA emotionally still.

“Ok-te-via,” the couch snapped at her, calling her back to the present.

Octavia held up the ball, “So you want me to chuck balls at her until she blocks them?”

“It’s how most learn.”

Octavia shook her head, and said, “I got this. I’ll teach her how to block ‘em but first I need to teach her how to squat.”

Anya nodded and left the two behind the plate, near the backstop. Octavia walked in a circle around the still squatting girl. She took in the way that the teen sat on her heels. The way her shoulders were scrunched and she looked incredibly tiny.

_Was I this small when Griffin found me?_

“You’re lazy,” she found herself saying. This caused the teen to turn her head and scrunch her brows together in confusion.

“I have been squatting here fore nearly five minutes while she told you to throw shit at me. That takes strength,” the girl argued.

“Shut up, you don’t know shit about strength,” the older girl growled, squatting before the girl, her thighs holding her up so that the backs of her legs did not touch her calves. “When you’re on your heals, you can’t move as well. You have to get back up only to get back down.”

Tris shifted her weight, so she was mirroring Octavia’s stance. It took only a few moments for Octavia to see her start to shake and after a minute the younger girl collapsed.

“Lazy and weak.”

The girl hit the ground and got back into the same stance. “I’m not weak.”

Octavia laughed, reached forward and with the slightest amount of pressure tipped the girl’s balance so she is on her ass again.

“Weak.”

The girl got back up, but this time turned and walked off the field. Octavia felt bad for a moment, wondering if she had pushed Tris to far. Well, she had literally just pushed the girl, but she had meant it to be a lesson.

“Do you always just give up?” Octavia asked from a now standing position. Her hands were on her hips, as the sun rays beat into her skin.

Tris turned around then and ran towards Octavia, swinging at the first opportunity. But Octavia just side stepped like Lexa had taught her, and the girl’s momentum played against her, sending her to the dirt. She pushed up again and tried to moved towards the girl again. Swinging with less force and still shit for balance.

Grabbing a hold of her arm, Octavia twisted her and hit her just enough to send her to her knees. Her mouth close to Tris’s ear, she whispered, “Are you mad at me because I am right or because you are angry and have no one to take it out on?”

The girl growled, but her voice shook and Octavia swore she could hear the tears welling, “Let. Me. Go.”

“You try to hit me again, and I will lay you out again so everyone can see just how weak you are,” and with her words she released the girl, just as Anya had made her way back over to where the two girls were now standing in a stare down, Octavia looking down her nose at Tris who was trying to make it full height but Octavia knew she found herself lacking in many ways.

“What is going on over here?” Anya asked, as Echo also made it on to the field.

Octavia shrugged, explaining, “Your little second here thinks she is a big bad warrior so I tried to teach her something about strength and she through a temper tantrum like a five year old.”

“I am not weak,” the girl said again.

Anya moved over to Tris, who was still looking at Octavia. Anya threw her hands in the airs in frustration, and what no one expected was the girl throw both hands over her head and duck into a defensive squat.

And Octavia knew. She knew that stance, and she knew that if the girl was that jittery that shit was bad.

Anya looked down at the young catcher and then up to Octavia. Theirs eyes met, and Anya truly was shocked. She didn’t move, as they all stood there while Tris moved quickly back to her feet.

“Sorry…. Sorry, I need to go,” and the teen moved from the field and to her bag and was then running still in full gear to the parking lot.

Anya turned to Echo, who wore an equally confused expression, and asked, “Did she just-?”

“Yes,” Octavia answered. _Yes, she just dropped to protect herself from getting hit._

**~Lexa~**

They were in the nursery with Levi, unable to process what all had happened. Raven had decided against the surgery and she was coming home in a few days. Clarke was still staring at her computer screen typing furiously away, only holding their baby when they cried for food.

The front door closed, and Octavia was moving through the rooms. Lexa carried Levi in one arm as though their little body was a football into the kitchen where Octavia was pulling out items to make dinner. Lexa felt bad because they should have started dinner when they came home and saw Clarke had not moved into the kitchen.

“It’s Wednesday,” Octavia stated. Lexa realized what the girl meant, and looked down at Levi.

“We’re not supposed to-“

But Octavia wasn’t listening, instead just throwing flour over the counter and rolling out the dough for the first pizza. “Where is Mom?”

Lexa sighed, _Not here_.

But the blonde was home. She was locked in her office, working on a new book. Lexa had asked her to take time off of work for her and Levi, but that had apparently translated into taking time off of teaching to write, while Levi sat in a swing and watched their mother grow more and more distant.

There was no denying anymore that Clarke was suffering from depression. The momentary connection with Levi, was just that… momentary.

Since being home, they had been pulled and stretched in what felt like every direction. It broke their heart to watch Clarke pull farther and farther away, and they were struggling to try and be everything for everyone, but every stretch was due to Clarke’s withdrawal.

They couldn’t be there fore Octavia when they had to change every diaper and force Levi into Clarke’s arms every few hours so that she would feed them.

They couldn’t be at the hospital with Raven and help her get back on her feet, when they needed to try and pull Clarke from the world she had created for herself in her head.

They couldn’t really be there for Levi, when they were trying to reinforce to the woman that they loved her more than anything in the world.

There was only one moment of clarity that had been brought with all of the stress and pain. It came from the realization of what their father had meant when he told them that choosing between your partner and your child is the toughest position to be in and not matter what happens both lose and they will lose too because there is too much pain. Too much pain in Clarke’s eyes. Too much pain every time Raven tried to move. Too much pain when they checked on their baby tossing and turning in her sweat drenched sleep.

“Nontu, where is Mom?” Octavia asked again, then added, “I need to talk to her about this freshman.”

Lexa shook their head, knowing where this was going, “We can’t do this right now, O. She is not-“

“I’m not what?” Clarkes gravelly voice broke the air.

Octavia turned to face her, anger flushing her face. Lexa realized their mistake when the aqua eyes of rage met the blue voided iris. Lexa tried to move between them, but there was no saving the blow up that was about to happen.

“You’re not being you. That’s a great place to start.”

Clarke looked away and moved towards the counter. When Octavia didn’t move, she stated, “Don’t start with me, Octavia.”

The teen squinted her eyes, and slapped her palms down in the flour. “You don’t start with me, Mom. We need you and you are like gone, like you don’t care about any of us anymore. You only sit at your fucking computer building a new world without us. Is that what you want for us all to just disappear.”

Lexa didn’t know what to do or how to help, so they stood there with their now squirming child. They rubbed the soft circles into the little naked back with their fingertips, waiting for Clarke to explode.

But she didn’t.

Instead she just waved her hand in the air dismissing Octavia’s words as though she could brush them away. “You can write a book about it all someday, O. Write your story about how I was such fucked up of a parent,” Clarke stated, shifting her weigh from foot to foot. Not meeting the eyes of the teen that was trying stare her down. “Who knows maybe it will help.”

“Maybe it will help? Help what, Mom? Do you even hear yourself right now?” The teen hissed, spitles flying from her lips. “Or should I even call you that anymore. DO you even want to be a mom, or is it now something you have to deal with and you just want us all gone?”

When Clarke didn’t say anything to reassure the teen that she was still wanted, Lexa felt their heart break a little more, the blood rushing through their veins. Levi cried then as though they knew that Clarke was rejecting them all in this moment. _Does she want us all to just disappear?_

Lexa realized they had moved their hand over Levi’s upturned ear, and couldn’t believe the plead that came out of their lips, “Can we call just take a step back and calm down?”

Turning her head, Lexa saw the empty oceans taking them in. The vast emptiness as though they were stranded in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with no hope of ever seeing land again.

They moved then. They moved to the raging teen, putting the baby to her chest, and pulling her arms around the infant. They met their daughter’s broken eyes and nodded towards the hallway that would lead the girl to her room. The teen didn’t move right away, clearly intent on trying to pull Clarke from her despair and share her pain.

After a slightly push the girl, started to walk. But she didn’t make it down the hallway, before the girl’s tear soaked face turned back, and threw her last dagger at the blonde, “This kid came up to me today and asked what it was like to be saved by the great Griffin… and I use to think I know what it means to be loved unconditionally, but apparently your love is conditional. Open doors my ass.” She left the room with the last of her words.

Lexa watched as Clarke’s eyes darkened and her gaze landed on them. They moved again then, while Clarke was in the moment showing some sign of emotion. Because something was better than nothing.

They took her by the bicep and pulled her down the hall to their bedroom.

The room was sound proof, and Lexa needed it to be for what was about to happen. Because it was their turn to push Clarke now. They were going to push her until she screamed at them and let lose the rage she had bottled away. Until she released the poisonous radiation that had begun to decay the kindness and mother instinct that had first made them fall in love with blonde.

“Let go,” she hissed as the door closed behind them. She spun around, rubbing her arm where they had probably tugged her a little too roughly. “What the fuck is wrong with you. Don’t you ever put your fucking hands on me like that again!”

Lexa moved into her bubble though and gripped onto both of Clarke’s arms again, holding her in place. But she pulled her arms and twisted away from her.

“No Lexa, I am not in a Commander beat me mood, not like you would even care if I was,” and Lexa knew then that they were getting somewhere.

“You don’t want me now, Clarke?” Lexa asked sternly, their voice flat and dominating. “You don’t want me to take control over you. Because the petulant brat behavior you’re displaying tells me you want me to take you to the bed and beat your ass. Like you feel like you need to be punished and you are acting out for fucking attention, Clarke.”

The blonde’s eyes looked over Lexa and they watched as the tears welled up. The tears she had been holding since she had slipped into the drug induced sleep, while their child fought for life within her.

“You want attention, Clarke. You want to be angry with someone. Then take ti out on me. Not on our daughter, not on our week old infant, Klarke.”

They took a step closer to her again, this time their hands were soft as they reached over to the blonde. They reached over and touched their wife that had pulled away so completely from them.

“I don’t know what is wrong with me,” she stated, her words shaking with every breath exhaled.

“Prisa,” they said, as they pulled her into their chest. Pulled her in and caressed her shuttering body. “I love you. I love you so much, and I know I haven’t shown you the way you needed, but Prisa, I am not going anywhere. I am not leaving. I am still so in love with you.”

There was a sniffled choke, and they knew they had just gotten hit by Clarke’s snot. They tried not to be disgusted, but it still sent a shiver down their spine, because they were covered in boogers again.

“You don’t want me anymore. You stopped wanting me. And now you only want me to feed your child,” she cried, and the words broke Lexa a little further.

“Levi is _our_ child. They are yours and mine. They are everything that is great about us, and I only wanted to protect them, just as I wanted to protect you,” the pressed their lips to her head, and continued. “She said you were dying. That the only way to save you was to get Levi out.”

And it was their turn to cry, as they held her. They held her because she was still here. “I watched you die, Clarke…” and they choked this time… “Your heart was stopped for a minute. I listened to that machine just scream as though even it knew the sun in the sky was extinguished and all of life on earth would be mourning in darkness for eternity.”

Clarke’s hands were on their face this time, and they crumpled together on the floor. “Prisa, I couldn’t live without you,” they said. “And I thought I had lost you twice in one day. And it was too much. It was too much.”

“Why did you lie to me, Lex? Why did you tell me Arizona said no sex? I thought you didn’t want me anymore.”

Lexa sucked in their breath, “I was scared. I was scared to tell you I was weak and insecure. I was so upset that Ryder had to give you what you wanted. That I was inadequate.”

Clarke’s brows furrowed, and she stroke their face, and they continued. “I came home from the hospital to tell you that, but you went into labor, and Octavia was crying in the car,  and Levi’s cord was around their neck, Arizona was trying to bring you back to this world, and I was just so scared because this was all my fault. Because I should have told you I was scared. I should have communicated with you. And I came home to tell you and you screamed and I needed to protect you.”

Their words kept flowing, but Clarke was kissing them, and they stopped caring about the boogers on their face, or those on hers. Because Clarke was kissing them. They hadn’t felt her lips since before Levi was born.

But she was kissing them, and she was there with them. So they wrapped her into their arms, and pressed her back into the rug, their body trapping her below them. They kissed her and her tongue caressed their bottom lip, and they eagerly met the hot organ with their own. But as their body pressed into her more, she pulled back her face grimacing in pain.

“Wha-“ and then they realized that they had pressed into her stitches. “I’m sorry, Prisa, I am so-” they began but Clarke silenced them, and pushed Lexa onto their ass.

“No more sorry, Lexi. Please just kiss me,” and she said as she moved above them, Straddling their lap, they pulled her into another kiss, one hand on her neck, the other on her hip.

Clarke pulled them back into her, with fingers pulling at the back of their head and the side of their jaw. It didn’t matter that they were in sweat pants or that neither wore any make up. Even the mucus and tears were disregarded.

Because Clarke was there in that moment. Her eyes were black with lust and desire, and the woman they had met a year ago was back with all of her fire and secret sun sorcery.  She was with them and she was kissing them, and she had listened to them. They had told her their weakness, and she still loved them. She still loved them.


	13. The moments of triumphs make the moments of despair a little more bearable... but reality is always there to suck you back into the spiraling chaos...

**~Clarke~**

Lexa’s lips were on hers, and she was straddling them. She was in their arms and nothing felt more right. Nothing could compare to being held by Lexa, and the way their arms pulled her into them.

She wanted to tear their clothes off, and kiss every inch of their body like she had done so many times before, but Lexa’s lips were pulling away, and she was growling at them.

_Since when do I growl?_

But then Lexa is laughing at them, with their hands still buried in her hair and rubbing a circle into the area just above the elastic band of her knee high sweat pants. They kissed her nose, and then angled her head so that their lips were on the pale skin just between her eyes.

“Prisa, we have little time and guests will be arriving soon,” they say, and it is so formal. Though the formality had always irked Clarke a little, it was a reminder of Lexa. Because only Lexa spoke that way, so she would drown in formalities if she had to be closer to them.

Clarke sighed, because she knew that Lexa was right, and she knew she still had to deal with the broody one that had totally handed her her ass on a silver fucking platter. She sometimes wondered if Aurora had taught Octavia to sling verbal slaps or if it was something the girl picked up from her.

Looking into the soft green jewels, she whispered, “I need to shower first.” And Lexa nodded with a slight smirk. “Fuck you,” she said, moving to push away from them, but they tugged her back into them, and their lips attacked her throat.

They broke away occasionally though, and explained, “You stink, Prisa.” Then they press another kiss into her. “How many days is it now you have worn these pants or that shirt?” Another kiss was pressed to her jaw, and she couldn’t formulate words. “And you got mocos on me again, Klark. How do you always manage to blow snot on me?”

Clarke laughed at that one, and pulled back to say, “At least I didn’t puke on you. I always puke on Mom.”

Lexa shakes their head, “So those that you love you mark with your bodily fluids?”

“I don’t seem to remember you minding my bodily fluids when you use to devour my come like it was amborsia to turn you into the Greek God you were already sculpted to be.”

Lexa’s smirk couldn’t grow cockier, as they say, “I know I’m hot.”

Clarke couldn’t handle their growing ego any longer and she pushed them back to the floor. Sitting on their groin and her own heels, she laughed, “Yes, you are hot but it is my pussy that keeps you immortal, which means don’t bite the hand that feeds you, Lexi.”

They reached up and tickled her then, sending her down their chest, where they could wrap their fingers into her oily hair and whisper, “Commander Lexi, to you, brat.”

Clarke shifted her gaze up to look at the jaw that was staring at the ceiling. “I’m sorry, Lex. Do you think you can forgive me for ruining Levi’s birthday.”

The pads of their fingers pressed into her scalp massaging carefully. She could tell they were processing, and they listened as the thumping within their chest increased slightly.

“I’m not angry with you, Prisa. I am hurt that I hurt you. I am hurt that I hurt you so bad that you rejected our child. Please don’t turn your back on them.”

She listened and she cried again. This time softer, and more controlled. It wasn’t the sobs of despair, but tears of regret and missed opportunities. She wondered if damage was already done and that Levi would reject her just as she had rejected Abby for most of her life.

“You’re not your mother,” Lexa said as though they could read her mind. “Levi loves you and they know nothing just that they want to be with you. We will never tell them about this. We will never tell them about this first week.”

Clarke didn’t know if that was fair to Lexa. Lexa had taken so much abuse from her and from the rest of the family. Every mistake they had ever made was etched into everyone’s mind to the point that all felt the need to check on them. If they sang a sad song, Raven was stiff and glaring at her like she done something to hurt them. Octavia would brood around the house if Lexa went to the gym without her. And she wondered if they couldn’t forgive Lexa for thinking about leaving, would they ever forgive her for shutting down.

“Your thoughts are loud, Clarke. Go shower and rinse your worries away. No one will judge you. What happened is normal for many women. We all still love you and just want you back.”

_I’m back._

**~Lexa~**

The shower was running, and Lexa had gone to check on Octavia. The teen had found her way back into the kitchen, and managed to get Levi to sleep in the slowly rocking swing. She stood at the island applying sauce and toppings to the first two pizzas, singing to the soft music playing in the background.

“Five hundred twenty-six thousand six hundred minutes, five hundred twenty-six thousand six hundred moments so dear. Five hundred twenty-six thousand six hundred minutes… how do you measure, measure a year.”

Lexa smiled and joined her in the first verse, “In day lights, in inches, in laughter in strife. In five hundred twenty-six thousand six hundred minutes how do you measure the year in the life.”

When the teen heard, Lexa join her, she looked up at them. Neither continued the song as they took in each other. They knew their eyes matched the same red and puffiness that the teen was echoing at them.

“I think…” the start but they stopped when the teen moved to them and hugged them. Her broad shoulder’s hitting them just a few inches below theirs. They liked that the girl was smaller than them. It made them feel like they could still comfort her like a child. She sniffed, and Lexa prepared for more snot.

_What is with these girls and wiping their boogers on me?_

But the thought passed, and they held the girl. They held her and whispered, “She is in the shower and she cried and she knows. She knows that…”

“okay,” was all the teen answered with.

“Do you have this?” Lexa asked, and they felt her nod and then pull away.

They grabbed their phone from the counter, and moved back towards their bedroom. They hit the speed dial and listened to the ringing before the bubbly voice of the surgeon answer, “Hey Lex, everything okay?”

“I think so. You said six week no sex right?”

There was a laugh on the other end, and then, “ _You know we are like on our way to your house right?_ ”

Lexa rolled their eyes, answering, “Si. Pero, six weeks for everything or just for as everyone in this house would say sex sex?”

“ _Six weeks for penetration, yes, other things are okay as long as she is ready._ ”

They heard in the background, “ _I do not need to be hearing this._ ” They knew it was Abby’s voice, and for some reason it made them smile.

“Okay, good.” They entered the room and could still hear the shower running. “Thanks and see you soon.” They hung up before the wrong blonde could respond.

Stripping down to nothing they took a quick glance in the mirror. They smirked as they looked at their muscles and tight skin, turning left and then right to see their back and sides and ass.

_She thinks I look like a Greek god._

The shower walls of glass were completely fogged up, and they took advantage of the lack of visual. They moved into the opened area to find Clarke’s head immersed in the always too hot water, and wrapped their arms around her, pulling themselves flush with her.

She jumped a little, but relaxed almost immediately into the embrace. Pressing kiss to her neck, they heard a subtle moan and then felt her arch into them. They shifted their hand up through the water towards her breast, and lightly ran traced a circle on the large darkened nub of the blonde’s nipple. Pinching and twisting slightly, they felt the minor discharge escape and part of them wanted to twist her and taste this new element that was solely Clarke, but they didn’t.

Instead, they ghosted their other hand down to her hip and kneaded the soft flesh between their finger, while adding a little more pressure to her nipple.  Pressing deeper kisses into her neck and the region where her neck and shoulder met.

Clarke’s ass pressed into them, and they ground into her back. As she moaned another soft plead, and then whispered, “Oh Lexa,” they knew it was safe to proceed.

Their hand on her hip moved farther down her small frame, and found her mound of soft locks from weeks without trimming. They ran their fingers through the hair, and then to the slit that was closed.

As thought Clarke knew, she spread her legs, welcoming Lexa’s dancing fingers. The water made everything wet, but the slick that was clearly Clarke’s arousal was also ever present. Two fingers traced the walls of her lower lips, carefully avoiding her entrance. This would be a place for them to explore in six weeks, but for now, the upper region of her clit was swollen and ready. They knew it wouldn’t take long for them to send her into oblivion, and they knew that they didn’t have long, but they wanted to still take their time.

Lexa ran their fingers along the edges of her clit, pulling her closer into them by nothing more than those two digits, while they sucked a merciless mark into her throat. Her hips canted and shifted, trying to pull or push them where she wanted them, but they growled into her ear, “This is mine, Prisa, and I will take as much time as I want.”

They felt her shutter again, and then still in their arms. They twisted her nipple a little harder this time, pulling a sharp cry from her. Not a cry of pain, well maybe some pain, but the throaty annunciation was a sign of delight.

“Mine, Klark.”

She shuttered again and pressed further into them. They moved her slightly then and pulled her arms to the wall. She groaned at the loss of contact, but she moved nonetheless.

With their hands on hers, they say, “Don’t move them.”

She doesn't respond, so they reach behind her and slap her slightly on the ass, reminding her, “You answer me when I tell you to do something.”

“Yes, Leksa,” and they smack her ass again. They knew she was testing them. She always tested them in the shower. She didn’t respond, but held still after the stifled cry/moan broke free.

“Do you want me to deny you release, Prisa?”

Clarke’s head was shaking, “No, Commander.” And then, “Please.”

Lexa’s lips found Clarke’s ear lobe, and they bit it slightly, breathing into her ear. It sent shivers into her, but they knew she enjoyed it.

“Please what?”

They waited, for Clarke to beg, because they honestly got off on this limited power that she gave them. This power to dominate her completely. This power that they had withheld from her.

“Please, Commander, I need you to touch me.”

They returned their hands to her body, both pinching and kneading her breasts. They felt her ass against their sex again, and they wished they could just fuck her like this. Hands holding on to her now huge tits, while they slammed her into the wall.

For now though, they had to make her beg, more. They need her to remember. Remember that they were hers and that even though they were dominating her, she was the one allowing it to happen.

They pinched her nipples again, harder this time. The milk discharged more, and guilt flushed through them a little because that was for Levi. But not now. No right now, everything about Clarke was for them. She was theirs and she needed to plead for what she wanted.

**~Clarke~**

She pushed into them, because Clarke wanted more than they could give her. She wanted their dick spreading her, wanted to feel them fuck her fast and hard. She wanted them to take her, all of her, and remind her of who she was.

“Mine,” she heard, and they twisted the swollen nipples and the currents of electricity ran from her chest to her clit. Her toes curled and she struggled to keep her hands against the wall.

“Yours, Commander. Please, Commander, I want to come for you.”

She knew that she wanted to come for herself and to show Lexa just how much power they have over her. She knew that, but she also knew that when Lexa was in Commander mode they wanted her to beg them. They wanted her to beg them for the release that only they could give her. And she was okay with that.

“Please, Commander, Leksa, I need you to touch me. I’ll do anything,” she pleaded, and a hand collapsed against her ass again, sending a sharp sting that was then pressed away by the palm massaging her ass.

“Anything, Prisa?”

Clarke is nodding her head, “Yes, anything. Yes.”

She feels them turn her then, and then pulling her to her knees. Her face is at their slit, and their hands are tightly wrapped in her hair, holding her face where they want her. “Show me what you want then, Prisa.”

Clarke didn’t hesitate, moving one of Lexa’s legs to her shoulder and then without warning or prep, burring her face between their thighs, her tongue searching for the prize that she found within moments. She lapped up the musky slick of Lexa’s cunt, sucking on the nub. Their hands in her hair were tight and they pushed her in deeper. She ran the flat of her tongue along their clit and to their entrance, applying even pressure as she went.

They moaned her name and their breaths turned to pants almost immediately, as her chin became coated in the arousal flooding from them. It took only a few precise flicks of her tongue and two sucks for Lexa to topple of their precipice. As they shuttered and muscles spasmed, Clarke swallowed their orgasm.

They moved their leg from her, and pulled her up by her hair. Meeting her at the top with a bruising kiss that sent her back into the cold slick tile wall. She felt their fingers finding their way back to the place between her thighs and she spread them, wanting nothing more than Lexa everywhere they wanted to go.

They tilted their head to gaze at her breasts, and breaking character momentarily, they asked, “May I?”

Clarke didn’t answer though, instead pushing their head to her tits, where their greedy mouth immediately locked around one of her nipples and they licked and sucked as though they had never tasted anything sweeter. There was no pain in this like breast feeding caused her; no, this was just Lexa controlling her pleasure with nips and sucks.

Their fingers found her clit, and she felt a sharp tug, as they pinched it slightly. The stimulation was almost too much, but it was gone too soon to topple her yet. No they were prolonging this and she wanted to scream.

“Please, Commander,” she begged again.

**~Lexa~**

There was nothing hotter to Lexa, than Clarke begging for release. They enjoyed tormenting their over sensitive wife, and they pinched around her clit once more. She arched her back into their mouth, and they felt the warm milk coat their tongue. They had worried that it would be disturbing, but they found that they just wanted more. Hungrily they kissed their way across to the other side, and tested it.

Their thumb shifted and they traced rough circles around her sex, as they sucked on the large nipple, taking everything she was willing to give them. They had waited for this moment for what felt like eternity, and it was better than they could imagine.

“Commander, I need to… please…. Oh Commander!” the blonde called out, begging for more, so they gave her more. Rewarding her for good behavior.

They ran their finger over the tip of the exposed bud, and felt her shutter again. Felt her legs quiver as though she would release with just that simple touch.

“You must wait for permission, Klark,” they reminded her, making their way up to her neck.

“Please, Leksa..."

Then she corrected,  "Please Commander... let me come for you."

But they weren't ready yet. So they tortured her longer.

"Let me come,” and they were pleased with the wild look in her black eyes and the words rolling off her tongue. "Commander."

They pressed their thumb to her clit again and ran it back and forth just enough to drive to woman crazy. Her legs quaking, as they pressed her further to the wall to hold her up. They moved their lips to her neck, as they continued the pressure.

They felt her body trembling and buck as her orgasm took over all of her sense, and she cried out in pleasure. They took advantage of her incoherence and they sucked and bite a deep bruise into her neck, so all would know that she is theirs. They licked the mark, trying to ease the pain they know must have come with their assault.

“Mine,” they whispered again, and Clarke could only smile. Her blonde hair matted to the tiles as her spent body tried to settle through the after shocks of her exhausting climax.

Slowly, their wife mirrored their word with her own, “Yours.”

They both stood in the now somewhat cooling water, as the woman regained her strength and they bashed themselves internally for waiting so long to reclaim her.

They helped her shower, washing away the sweat from her back, and running their finger through her hair with shampoo, and then conditioner. They rinsed away the suds and cream rinse respectively, before helping her out of the shower.

Lexa dried their wife first and then used a clean towel on themself. She moved only once Lexa gave her a nod to the toilet. As she moved, they too moved to the closet finding a pair of panties for her, then the pads and cream required for postnatal care.  They watched as she carefully fitted her underwear with the cooling cream and diaper like pad, and once her lower half was contained, they soothed A&D ointment across her sutures.

Every touch was soft and soothing, letting the blonde know that they loved her and were concerned about her care. Normally, they would lay in bed for a half hour to an hour with Lexa just ghosting caresses to Clarke’s skin and reminding her how precious she was to them after a scene, but tonight there would be guests and they needed to be present.

Once her incision was cared for, Lexa moved from their kneeled position and pressed a few soft kisses their wife. Taking the moments they had to just be there with her. All attention on her, and about her.

“What would you like to wear, Prisa?”

Clarke requested her black stretch pants, and the green nursing tank top. They gathered the items and helped her with the pants, because they knew even though she hadn’t said anything that bending over was still very painful for her, which was why she had been wearing the same clothes for several days. 

**~Clarke~**

When she pulled the tank top on, Clarke looked down and realized how every piece of clothing she was wearing hugged every roll and unflattering bulge of post-pregnancy skin. Her eyes welled up and she looked at Lexa, who was staring at her in the mirror. They had begun to run their fingers through her hair, creating a simple fishtail braid from her long curly tresses.

“I’m sorry, Lex,” she said, her lip quivering.

Lexa dropped the half completed braid and moved before her on their knees again. “Clarke what do you have to be sorry for?”

“I gained so much weight. I tried to be careful like you asked, but I just couldn’t help it. And I am sorry. I will got o the gym as soon as the doctor-“

But Lexa’s finger was on her lips to quiet her, and they kissed her other hand. “No, Clarke. You are beautiful. You are so beautiful to me. You are not fat, this is just the byproduct of you carrying our child, and I think that is the most beautiful thing in the world. You gave us a perfectly healthy baby, Clarke and there is nothing to be ashamed of.”

Clarke sucked in her tears, and even though Lexa’s words were comforting, it didn’t change that when she looked in the mirror, she only saw how fat she was. “Can I…” she didn’t know if she should ask.

“Anything, Clarke, what is it you need?”

“Can I have the black cover up. I don’t want…”

Lexa moved swiftly retrieving the overly large black sweater that was honestly too hot for the April Arizona weather, but Clarke knew that Lexa would just turn down the air conditioning to make her comfortable. Lexa held the sweater open for her, and Clarke regained some confidence as the bulges on her sides were covered.

Lexa’s arms wrapped around her, and they whispered, “Better?”

Clarke wiped at her eyes, as she answered, “Yes, thank you.”

Lexa’s lips caressed her cheek once more, and then they returned to her braid, having to start all over again.

**~Lexa~**

It took them much longer to finish getting ready, and by the time the couple left the bedroom they could hear Levi crying out for their mother’s breast, while the cacophony of joyous voices swooned over how adorable to the baby was. They smiled when they found the huge room had turned from their normal home to a large group all bearing gifts and extra food, to welcome the baby home.

To further the surprise, Lexa found Raven sitting in a wheel chair at the table with her sister, smiling and laughing along with all the rest. They went to her first, wrapping their arms around her.

“How did you-?”

“Gram got my paper work together quickly when I told her I was wheeling out because it was Wednesday and there was no fucking way I was missing family dinner, even if Octavia burnt the fucking pizza.”

Octavia chucked a small toasted square at her sister at the remark, “Fuck off, dude, this is the first time I have ever made pizza.”

To everyone’s surprise, Clarke didn’t first go to Raven but to her now screaming child in Arizona’s arms. Arizona didn’t bat an eye, as she handed over the infant to Clarke who took the little curly headed crier over to the living room couch that was mostly concealed. There was no question that she had moved over to nurse, and Lexa breathed a sigh of relief almost in sync with Octavia. Both knew this was the first time Clarke had willingly fed Levi.

Abby met Lexa’s eye and raised her eyebrows, but then the right blonde returned, with the child tucked into the large wrap, concealing them and Clarke’s chest as they ate. Lexa watched as Abby and Arizona and Octavia and Raven all took in the mark that they had branded into Clarke’s throat.

Raven was the first to laugh, and Lexa had to admit that it was funny. Because it was a year ago that Lexa had almost ripped Raven’s throat out for sporting a similar mark on her own throat.

“Mom, did you get attacked by a werewolf?”

Clarke’s face flushed and reached up and touched the mark, and smiled shyly. Then the smile grew, and she stated, “No, a commander.”

Lexa’s jaw dropped. They knew that everyone knew they were the one to mark her, but they didn’t expect the woman to openly admit to it in front of all of their friends and family. Ryder moved over and clapped them on the shoulder, “Nice work Lex.”

It was Lexa’s turn to blush, and they quickly moved into the kitchen to try and make a pizza, but Clarke was beside them momentarily, “What the hell do you think you’re doing in my kitchen?”

Lexa looked up from the dough only from the corner of their eyes, their neck tucked down so no one can see their flushed face. The voices of the party guests rose again, and they turned to look more thoroughly at Clarke. “I just…”

“I am proud of you and your mark, Lex. Don’t be embarrassed, please,” the woman almost whispered to them.

They sighed, knowing they were being ridiculous. “I wanted to help make a pizza, while you…”

But this time they were cut off by Clarke’s eruption of laughter that once again turned all heads towards them. She was shaking her head, and they saw the tiny babe shift a little and poke out a hand from under the wrap.

“Get the fuck out of my kitchen, Lexa before you burn the damn house down. I can do two things at once. I mean after all I whooed you in this kitchen while making pizza, I think I can handle feeding all of my kids at once.”

Lexa smiled, and it was like a breath of fresh air. They moved from the edge of the island over to their typical spot closer to the refrigerator. Even though the houses had changed, they hadn’t. Clarke made pizzas and Lexa stood by and watched her. Their evening was filled with laughter and stories, and they even received a surprised visit from Anya and Echo, both colleagues of the couple and coach to the girl. The two had never come to the house on pizza night before, even though Lexa had invited her former mentor and her partner there many times.

Lexa watched as Indra and Raven had a moment together, when Indra returned the girl’s backpack. They both spoke quietly and by the looks of the interaction there was more to the conversation that would be said later. But Raven had wrapped her arms around Indra, and Lexa watched as the soldier embraced the girl just as much.

They knew there was still a long way to go from here, that Clarke could still relapse, or that Raven could still not be totally out of the woods, and that no one had started to break through whatever it was that had Octavia looking like she hadn’t slept in weeks, when truthfully Levi was mostly sleeping through the night.

Then something hit them, and they remembered what Octavia had said about needing to talk about a freshmen and the kid asking what it was like “to be saved by Griffin.” And they swallowed. They swallowed the lump in their throat, because if there was a kid that needed saving, then Clarke would want to do just that, and for the first time they wondered if their doors were still open in every sense and if she would choose to bring home another kid.

And mostly would they have a say in it.


	14. Some chaos though can bring mountains of later joy, as well as tie people together in unexpected ways.

**~Octavia~**

Clarke stood in her usual spot behind the island with Levi wrapped to her chest. She smiled her classic Mom of the Year smile, but Octavia still watched her carefully. Searching for the moment the façade of being okay will fade once more. She had seen it once already and now knew that nothing was that simple; that Clarke could very well slip away again.

Her position in the room gave her the perfect angle to watch her mother’s face for signs of emotional conflict, or just distance. But then Anya and Echo arrived to the house, and Octavia was thrown, unable to focus on Clarke when her coaches were present. The two women had nodded to the rest of the guests and Echo had even gone as far to hug a very startled Clarke.

The blonde’s expression was priceless, and Octavia found a strange satisfaction in her mother’s temporary angst. Fearless Griffin, supreme control freak, was still intimidated by her softball coaches. Raven leaned over, with her own grin and whispered, “What’s with Mom and Anya?” as Anya and Echo made their way to take two vacant seats at the dining room table. While her words were quite, Anya had the ears of a wolf.

“She started a war,” Anya answered coldy. This drew a laugh from Octavia, who received a glare from her coach.

Octavia brushed it off though, and spoke loud enough for the entire room that had turned their attention on the interaction. “You’re just still bitter that we won said war, and you lost a majority of your militia.”

Raven rubbed her hands together and leaned forward in her chair, “Oh I have to hear this.”

 

_The start of her freshman year had been a difficult transition. Octavia was still adjusting to the expectations of various instructors, the only times she felt somewhat at ease was during Griffin’s English class. While the blonde was absolutely terrifying with her calm power and demand for excellence, she taught them to share their voice and that each student within the room was powerful._

_They were studying their first unit on dystopian literature and Clarke had just opened their eyes to the understanding Katniss’s tactics would be deemed acts of terrorism in present day society, when the members of Student Government made an announcement for an school wide competition between all last period classes. The competition was simple enough; be the class to raise the most pounds of food for Saint Mary’s food bank._

_Griffin, never one to back down from a competition, called her students to action and after only one day, room 312 had raised 100 lbs more food than any other class. Anya’s class coming in second place. Anya, also extremely competitive, brought her class of much larger and angry juniors to visit the class of 312, bombing them all with paper balls stating that Anya was the General of Polis High and down with Griffin’s pathetic monarchy._

_Thus the prank war began, with freshmen and sophomores rallying behind Griffin, while the juniors half-heartedly supported their own leader._

“You are totally making me sound as though my students were not loyal, Ok-te-via,” Anya growled at the teen.

“They weren’t. No interrupting, now, as I tell the tale of how Mom became an the epic hero of Polis High like Leonidas of Sparta, and you Xerxies, the failed ruler of Persia when you brought your war to Greece.”

Anya folded her arms across her chest, while Echo sat next to her trying very hard not to laugh.

 

_Each day the pranks escalated. Posters of support for one teacher over the other were plastered around the school. The most popular was one that read, “So you want to be a General Anya, how cute! I’m already The Queen.”_

_Within a week, Griffin found her box of food over flowing and taking up a large corner of her room. Which caused the junior’s resolve for defeating the freshmen and sophomores to only increase, but the freshmen were sneaky. First removing all of Anya’s expo markers on day one, leaving Anya and her juniors with a simple countdown to defeat._

_The juniors retaliated with endless taunts to the younger blonde as she walked head high through campus, with phrases like “Down with the queen,” or “Anya for President.” The freshmen suffered similar abuses and taunting about not being air-head freshmen. But this only fueled the freshmen and their cries of “We are Grounders!” In a desire to support their queen and out preform the juniors, to attack Anya’s most prized possession._

_Well to be honest any teacher’s most prized possession. They stole her copy paper. All of it. The small band of warriors took advantage of a spy within and removed all 36 packs of paper from the classroom, hiding it within the English department’s book closet._

_Anya, furious at the potential defeat and the loss of her resources, attempted to rally her troops and planned an attack while the students of 312 were in acting their own G-rated version of the Hunger Games._

_The waterballoons struck a few of the freshmen without warning, but the class quickly created a defensive formation, and few lives were lost._

 

The teens in the room moved around, re-enacting the day of Clarke’s triumph, circling themselves behind plates while others pretended to lob balloons at them.

 

_Anya saw a clear win in her sights, until faithful warriors, Lincoln and Miller, made it behind enemy lines. Finding the sprinkler valve, they turned on the water, drenching all of the juniors into a watery grave, while the freshmen remained safely dry behind their barricade of plastic shields._

_The chanting of, “For Queen Griffin, the ultimate ruler of Polis High School!” brought out the attention of the administration, and Anya and Clarke found themselves ripped from their followers into the confines of the administration building._

_It felt like an eternity before they escaped, the tension between the two was thick, and they made their way back to their respective classes. However, in their absence, the war had only grown more angry, the juniors furious for their defeat, and the freshmen preparing to continue their battle in the name of their queen._

_Clarke and Anya had prepared a truce, but they never got the chance to enact it, because they was met by thirty angry freshmen that dosed the wanna be General with multiple squirt guns, killing her futile attempt to return to her soldiers._

Octavia smiled at the memory of Anya’s angry expression. “I will never forget Mom telling Anya, “Your fight is over.”

Lincoln and the other teens all moved to the center of the room and bowed to Clarke, who laughed at the sight. Lincoln looked up at the blonde, and said, “For Queen Griffin!” which the other teens all echoed and raised their hands in pride for their leader.

Anya’s face was scarlet, and she waved to the teens, “I see you are disturbingly still brainwashing these children.”

Clarke laughed lightly, but refused to meet Anya’s eyes, clearly still waiting for some form of retaliation. Anya didn’t miss the lack of eye contact though, and stated, “You won that battle, but clearly I won the war, because you are still terrified of me.”

Clarke eyes squinted as she looked over Octavia’s coach. Then she smiled, “You may still be a tyrant Anya, and you can try to raise an army again. That’s cute but let’s be real, I am still The Queen.”

With a roar of laugher the teens jumped to their feet, and the teachers within the room all went back to retelling their own version of the story.

Echo reached over and intertwined her fingers with Anya’s, “It’s okay An, we all know how big and powerful you are.”

But this time, Lexa laughed and Octavia watched as her parent went from laughing to choking on the water that they had just drank. Clarke moved over to Lexa and rubbed her partner’s back. Octavia took in the caring touches and soft smile playing on Clarke’s lips.

 _Maybe things are going to be okay_.

“Lexi, are you okay?” Clarke asked softly.

Lexa’ pointed up at Anya, “She totally came to me last year and asked me to help her rally the seniors and juniors for the food drive against you. I didn’t realize it was you but she hasn’t given up on trying to take over your rule as Food Drive Queen.”

Anya threw a piece of bread at Lexa, which they deflected too easily. The coach hissed, “You are not suppose to tell her. That was a Grounder Social Studies secret!”

Lexa stood up straighter and moved before the blonde, “You strike her, you strike me, Anya. Just know if your choose to continue this feeble attempt to dethrone my wife, then I will have to unite the various departments against you.”

Octavia could see the laughter building behind Anya’s stony expression. Nodding her head, she stated, “You have done well, Second. I am proud to say I have trained you well for the war within Polis High, even if you are weak for those not of your tribe.”

Lexa rolled their eyes, and Octavia couldn’t help but feel warm with relief that things seemed to be going back to normal.

**~Lexa~**

Mostly everyone had left for the night; only Anya and Echo remained. Lexa had an troubled feeling that their presence had something to do with the girl that Octavia had spoke of. The teens had moved from the kitchen to gather their things. They watched as Octavia pushed Raven’s chair filled with blankets and pillows form their side of the house over to Lexa and Clarke’s bedroom.

“What are you doing?” they called to the teen, but the blankets answered them.

Lexa had to cover their mouth so they didn’t startle the sleeping baby in their arms, as Raven’s muffled voice called out, “Mom said we are having a huge sleep over for everyone’s first night back home.”

Lexa nodded, as they sucked in their breath, trying still not to laugh.

They looked down at the baby that was currently fast asleep in their arms. Anya leaned over and took a good look at the child. She looked at Lexa and then at the kid again. Leaning back on the couch, Anya said, “That kid is seriously a mix of both of you so perfectly its disgusting.” Lexa smiled down as the little round face started to wake from their rest.

Their eyes scrunched and then they waved their little fists in the air. Clarke moved towards them and took her own seat carefully next to them, and cuddled into Lexa’s open arm.

Levi twisted their body and squirmed in the green cotton blanket, their eyes scrunching and mouth searching for Clarke’s nipple. But their eyes slowly opened and Lexa fawned over the way their irises were already taking on the various hues of green and blue, mixing both them and Clarke together.

Their mouth stopped moving, as their eyes opened completely looking at their parents. Even though it was too early for it to really count as a conscious effort, their little mouth opened into a huge smile.

“Hello to you too, Peanut,” Clarke said to their child. “You have a beautiful smile.” At her words through their little eye brows scrunched in the middle and they made the most familiar grumpy face, and Lexa looked over at Clarke whose face showed only pure adoration, and when they shifted their gaze back to the child, they were looking up at them again with another huge grin.

It was probably the cutest exchange that Lexa had ever seen, and there was not doubt that Levi had inherited Clarke’s smile and grump face. Or maybe that was a poop face.

_Yep, definitely the poop face._

Clarke reached over and took the baby from them, and said, “I got it, Lex. You have already done your fair share.”

They watched her leave, and then realized that Octavia’s coaches were still sitting on the couch across from them, as Clarke left and moved down the hallway. The two were still watching them, and they shifted slightly.

“I am surprised you both joined us this evening. What do we owe this visit for?” Lexa asked, crossing their imaginary fingers that the two were not bringing their family a whole new level of issues.

Anya leaned forward and rested her arms on her thighs, while Echo reached over and traced gentile strokes over her back. “Has Octavia spoke to you at all about practice today?”

Lexa closed their eyes, and whispered, “Not much, something about a girl, but I don’t think that-“

“What girl?” Clarke asked, coming back into the room. Echo reached out to her, and Clarke reluctantly handed the other woman her child. Lexa watched as Clarke hovered over them for probably a moment too long before returning to her position under Lexa’s arm. “So what girl are we talking about?

“You’re here about Tris, aren’t you,” this time the interruption came from Octavia who had pushed Raven back into the room. The girls were looking at the four room occupants, and Lexa just shook their head.

“We can’t do this,” they said.

Clarke looked up at them within nothing but questions, “Can’t do what? What the fuck is going on?”

Levi gurgled and cooed at the other woman, as Anya looked over at Octavia, “We have this freshmen that will be replacing Octavia next year. Today was her first practice…”

Octavia moved into the room and sat in the overly large arm chair, tucking her legs into her chest. Lexa could see the exhaustion in the girl’s face and they hoped that maybe the sleep over would give her some piece of mind.

“Anya told me teach her to block, but before practice she came up to me and asked me all sorts of questions about what it meant to saved by Griffin and if it was awesome being rescued, and shit like that,” Octavia explained.

Clarke shifted her gaze from the teen to Anya, who began to pick up the story. “So the girl, Tris, she got into it with Octavia while training, and when we” she moved her hand between herself and Echo, “went to figure out what was going on…” she paused for a moment, “I don’t know if I moved too fast or what, but she seriously dropped into a protective stance.”

Clarke looked back to Octavia and Lexa felt the blonde’s body tense some. They knew she was about to spring into action, and they just wanted to hold her too them. “Was it?” she didn’t need to finish the question, because clearly Octavia knew where she was going.

The girl nodded, and then whispered, “but worse, Mom. Like she full on dropped with hands over her head and everything.”

Anya picked up this time, and continued, “She ran away after that. We were all so shocked we didn’t know what to do, and she took off and was gone before anyone knew what was going on.”

Lexa pulled Clarke into them more. They didn’t want to know this. They didn’t want something else. Everything was already so hard right now. But they knew they couldn’t control the waves of life. “What do we know about her?” they asked.

Echo took her turn to speak, explaining, “We took a look at her file…” Echo’s eyes darted to the teens, “Maybe we should speak privately.”

Clarke shook her head though, “No, if you are hoping for what I think you’re hoping for, this involves them too. We don’t make decisions alone in this family.”

But Octavia scoffed at that and all eyes were on her. Lexa watched as her eyes met the cobalt irises of her mother and stated, “Bullshit.”

“Ok-te-via,” the coach stated, and Octavia rolled her eyes at the coach.

She threw her hands up in the air, and stated, “What? It’s true. You chose to have Raven move in and only let Lexa move in because they were going to dump your ass for taking in Ray. You make all the decisions, so if you’re hell bent on going out to play savior again none of us can do shit about it. But maybe we have enough problems right now. Maybe we have enough going on.”

She looked to Raven who shifted in the wheel chair uncomfortably, “Ray needs like a shit ton of physical therapy.”

Lexa hoped that Octavia would stop, but she didn’t.

“You just decided to be Mom again, having been lost in a fucking black hole for the last week.”

Lexa held on to Clarke a little tighter, and they hoped the teen’s words weren’t sending her back into that darkness.

“Nontu, clearly thinks this is a bad idea, because they have now several times tried to stop this conversation from taking place.”

“Octavia,” this time it was Lexa warning her to shut the fuck up, but the teen had one more.

“And I haven’t slept because I keep seeing that fucking truck destroying my family. So no maybe bringing in another fucked up kid into this house is a bad idea.”

Clarke moved then. She moved as quickly as her still healing body allowed her too, and she sat her ass on the teen. She sat on the teen and wrapped her in a harsh hug.

“Baby, you know what it means to be alone. I am not saying we bring her home. We don’t even know anything about her. I just want to make sure we do do what we can.”

Clarke’s hand stroked the long dark locks, and she pressed a kiss to the girl’s head.  Her voice was a whisper, but everyone could hear her, “I know I fucked up, princess. I know. But O, I am here. I am here, and you know what it means to be in hell. We can’t leave this girl there if that is the case.”

Lexa interrupted their moment, by focusing on their attention of the two women still in their home. Still there watching their family trying to heal itself. “What do you know?”

Anya didn’t hesitate, “Her name is Tris Washington. She is a transfer student, file showing four schools in the last six months. She is at Cottonwood Residential.”

“I know that company,” Clarke inserted. “Octavia wasn’t with them. They deal with primarily long term placements. So she is already in foster care, and you think she is being abused?”

Octavia’s voice cracked, and she whispered, “She has hickey’s on the back of her neck, so I think there is more going on.”

Clarke pulled Octavia in closer, and Lexa knew that this kid may be all too familiar for their baby.

“Clarke,” Lexa called. The blonde turned to look at her. “What do you want to do?”

Clarke looked them in the eyes, and they could read what she wanted to do. She wanted to bring the kid home. She wanted to make this girl apart of their family even though she had never met her before. She wanted to save the world, and Lexa had to decide if they wanted to as well.

“I don’t know what to do, Lexi.” It was honest because no one knew what to do. The kid hadn’t come to any of them. They had no idea what they were really dealing with.

They turned their attention back to Echo and Anya. Anya was sitting up now, since Echo had given their baby to the coach. They watched the normally grumpy teacher smile at the child and make a goofy smile.

“Anya, Echo, what is it that you came here for?”

Echo touched Anya’s arm, and then spoke, “We don’t know. We have watched how amazingly you have both put this family together. We have considered trying to start our own. But we don't’ know if this is the right time for us. Or if this is the right kid for us.”

Anya looked up and added, “We know that this kid needs someone. And we don’t know anyone better… even if it is Griffin. I still can’t believe you traded your people for the self-proclaimed Queen.” And Anya’s eyes rolled, before returning to the baby. “Your mother is crazzzy,” she said with wide eyes to Levi. The baby screeched at her words and shook their tiny fists in the air as though they were challenging the teacher to fist fight.

Lexa smiled at their child, showing their former mentor their strength. But they pulled their attention away to the blonde that had made her way back over to them. Her blue eyes looking up from her place under their arm that pulled her in as close as possible.

“What do we do, Lex?”

Lexa sighed. They couldn’t stop their wife from trying to save the world, one kid at a time. So they leaned forward and kissed her cheek. “I’ll call the girl to my room tomorrow. Give her the chance to speak with me about whatever is going on. How about you come after 6th period tomorrow, and meet this… Tris ….with me? She is clearly trying to seek you out.”

Clarke nodded and wrapped her arm around Lexa, burying her face into Lexa’s chest. She whispered, “Thank you, Lexi.”

Lexa felt their chest warm and they tried to tug her closer but it wasn’t possible, so instead they pressed their lips to her braided blond hair, and then whispered, “Anything for you, Prisa. Anything.”


	15. Chaos teaches one how to survive... survival teaches one how to reach out... reaching out is helping...

**~Lexa~**

After saying goodnight to their last two guests, Lexa made their way down the hallway towards their bedroom. They could hear the rest of their family giggling and Levi squealing as well. The laughing warmed their chest because for the past week the house had been eerily silent, minus the movement of vacant bodies and Levis occasional cries of hunger.

Standing in the doorway, they watched as Octavia helped Raven onto Lexa’s side of the overly large king size bed. Clarke was sitting on her side in only her yoga pants and nursing top with Levi laying on their little back in the middle of the bed. Glancing around the room, Lexa noticed the small basinet and breathed a sigh of relief. They were overwhelmed with relief that Clarke was interested finally in being in the same room as their child, but they were not comfortable with the idea of co-sleeping with their premature infant and their two daughters.

“You know, we should have put up an air mattress,” Raven stated. Octavia cocked and eye brow at her, before Raven added, “I mean think about how many disgusting things they have done on this bed. When did you change the sheets last? I don’t want to sleep in one of your dried wet spots.”

Lexa snorted a laugh that drew Raven’s gaze from Clarke to them. They gestured to themself and then to the bed. Raven didn’t say anything, just looked at them in uncertainty. Waving her own hand to them, she finally says, “ What the fuck does that mean?”

“It means they are a germaphobe, so we have five sets of sheets that are changed practically daily, Ray,” Clarke states matter of factly, looking at Lexa intently. Lexa wondered if the blonde was regretting inviting the girls to their bed tonight, and by the slightly enlarged pupils of their wife’s eyes, they were wishing the girls were having a sleep over in one of their own rooms.

“Are you really bringing home another kid?” Octavia asked interrupting the eye sex that Clarke and Lexa had initiated. Clarke turned to the teen that had crawled to her side of the bed and motioned for the girl to snuggle into her.

Lexa moved from their perch at the doorway. Crawling up the bottom of the bed, they positioned themself between Levi and Raven. Pulling Raven into their side, the same way Clarke was holding on to Octavia, they kissed the girl’s head and inhaled the girl’s scent of strawberries and honey.  Closing their eyes, they appreciated the different smell of their older daughter from the more similar smell of their wife and other girl, who typically smelled like of vanilla and coconut.

“O, we are not sure what is going to happen right now. All we can do is check to make sure she is safe,” Clarke explained to the teen.

Raven looked up at Lexa, who met her coffee colored eyes. “How do you feel about it?” they asked the girl.

Raven sucked in a breath. They could see her contemplating the answer, which surprised them. Then again, Raven always managed to surprise them. Slowly she provided her own insight, “I feel like we are adjusting to all the changes that have happened. I know I have to learn to walk again, and I know Mom went all darkness and despair. I know that O is exhausted otherwise she would be such a bitch about the whole thing…” Octavia shot up in a seated position, glaring at Raven. “What it’s true. You were all for me living here when I was homeless. And all it took was a pair of headphones for you to love Nontu. By the sounds of it O, she came to you and you’re looking for a reason not to be replaced. It was the same shit when you felt like Nontu would never love you and when they adopted me. You are so worried about being replaced that you get selfish.”

Lexa turned to Octavia, “Is that how you feel, O? That Tris will replace you?”

They watched as Clarke pulled the girl back into her, and then the teen began to shake and suck in her breath as she attempted to hold back her tears.

“Talk to us please, O? Tell us how you feel,” Clarke attempted to coax out of their girl.

It took a few moments, and even Levi lay quietly watching them all with large eyes. Octavia’s voice was cracked and wavy, but she admitted to her sister as though the adults were not in the room holding them.

“Anya already said she was my replacement. I am going to college and Raven is going too. You’re going to bring her in and it’s like we aren’t here to be a family anymore so she is just going to take my place…” she sucked in a breath, running out of air because of how fast she was speaking. “What if she is mean to mom? What if she does the fucked up shit I did and Mom loses her shit again, or Nontu decides they don't want this and leave… or…” sniff, “or… she is perfect and they don't need up anymore… and she gets to be the big sisters that Levi has because we are not there anymore.”

Lexa felt Raven’s eyes on them, and they met her gaze again. This time they could feel her taking them in. She was analyzing them and momentarily they wanted to appear indifferent. But they knew that was not what she needed. She needed to see her nontu. “You going to leave?”

Lexa huffed and their eyes squinted at the girl, “I never left to begin with for the record. Yes, before your mother and I were anything official I had second thoughts that had nothing to do with my love for her. Rather, I was insecure with myself.”

Raven was still watching her, but they felt the other three sets of eyes on them as well. “I never left. In fact I proposed when you both lost yourself to your own insecurities, and when I considered running away, I didn’t.”

“You got in the car,” Octavia almost whispered.

Lexa shook their head, “But I didn’t leave. I didn’t drive away. I faced my fear of inadequacy and have dealt with the continuous blows of me ‘running away’ every fucking time something gets hard. How little do you all think of me honestly?”

Raven nodded after everyone absorbed what Lexa had said. She moved in closer as best as she could, but her movements were awkward.

“I know,” Raven said, her face on Lexa’s chest. ”I just wanted to see if you would snap this time. You got to stop bottling shit life those two do.”

Clarke’s eyes snapped to the girl this time, “Fucked up, Trikru-Griffin.”

They felt Raven shrug, and then say, “What, we need to talk with each other. We spend too much time trying to hide our pain away, but the fact is we all need help. And we keep beating up on Nontu, because they are not going to leave. But we always go for that blow. Like it makes us feel better that they may leave so we can be superior. Like we get off on helping someone else, because we can’t help ourselves. Isn’t that why we have open doors?”

“No, we have-“ but she suddenly stops. Lexa looks over at the blue eyes, brimmed with tears, as she clung to her first rescued kid. She had rescued them all, but at the same point they all had rescued her. They had brought her out of herself and gave her a purpose. “All people are selfish, but at least our version is helping others.”

They all chewed on Clarke’s words this time. Trying them out in internal speech. Lexa knew that their wife was right. No one acted selflessly, only helping another to fill a void within them.

“I am scared,” the younger teen admitted again. “I’m scared at how fast life is changing. That we’re supposed to leave next year to college. That we are just going to fall apart if we are not all under this roof.” Lexa let go of Raven for a moment, and picked up the almost sleeping now infant and put them on Clarke’s chest, facing their sister.

“Look at that face,” they say. “Tell me you are not going to be here all the time to teach this kid all the ways to drive us crazy.”

And Octavia cracked a smile, because they knew they were right. Both girls had opted to attend the local university instead of heading out of state, in order to be there for all the big moments of being big sisters.

“So there may be two kids for you to come visit,” Clarke said, and the darkness flashed within the girl’s eyes. Lexa knew that no matter what they all said tonight, Octavia was not taking to the idea of them all bringing home anymore kids. They could only hope that maybe Raven was right, they all needed rest, but Octavia especially needed it.

**~Octavia~**

Friday night came with ease. Tris had stood up Clarke and Lexa after school on Thursday afternoon. She knew the girl had gotten the message, because she watched from the practice field as the girl got on to the bus not even bothering to come to practice. She shrugged her shoulders and returned to her daily routine, as Monroe discussed the plans for their squad.

The evening at the house was rather easy, her and Raven spending some time with Clarke as they picked out their outfits. Raven was still in the wheelchair, but Octavia felt it was good for her to be getting out for the night. Since the accident, she had been cooped up in room after room.

When Lincoln arrived, he pressed a chaste kiss to her lips, but Octavia was yearning for more. Her lips met his, and tongue begged for entrance that he eagerly granted.  He let her dominate the kiss, and she rewarded him by pressing her body into his. She enjoyed the way his breath caught and hand wandered down her back, to pull her firm ass up into him more. She could feel his arousal, but they broke apart at the clearing of a throat from behind her.

Octavia turned to see Clarke holding Levi in her arms. It took only a moment for Octavia to take in the smell of her sibling and crinkle her nose. Clarke smiled at the disgusted face, and held the squirming stink ball to Lincoln.

He took the baby, and Octavia could tell he was equally disturbed by the smell. Clarke spoke calmly, “If you two continue behaving like that you will have one of these of your own. So Lincoln, how about you go get up close and personal with that diaper and consider if that is worth gripping my daughter’s ass like that again. Because that turns to sex and sex turns to a baby, possibly depression and you become the teen daddy that you never considered was probable.”

“Mom!” But Clarke shook her head and pointed Lincoln to the nursery.

Once the boy was gone, she drug her own daughter into the front living room. Octavia was red, and this was seriously abnormal behavior for Clarke to be acting so weirdly about her having sex.

“You have a huge future lined up for you, O. Don’t piss it away for a quick fuck against the wall,” Clarke stated, and pressed a handful of condoms into pocket. “Be safe, O. Please don't get pregnant yet. Its hard. Its hard on your body. Its hard on your relationship. Its hard on your sense of self.”

The teen nodded to her. There wasn’t time for words, as Lincoln returned to the front of the house with Raven holding the baby.

“Call clean, Momma G. And seriously, I thought breast milk was suppose to make it not stink,” the boy-man stated.

Clarke and Octavia both turned to look at him with troubled confused expressions. Octavia was the first to speak though, “What the fuck do you know about breast milk, Linc?”

Lincoln shrugged, “Momma G, left the baby book lying around and they were weird and I wanted to know. Like did you know if you have a baby naturally they have to stitch you back together like down there.” His eyes were wide this time and he shifted comfortably. “I wouldn’t want anyone putting stitches in my warrior.”

 Raven gagged. Not a subtle gag. Like gagged about to puke over her little sibling. Clarke quickly gathered her infant into one arm and placed another on Raven to make sure she was okay.

But Octavia knew that her sister was just making a scene. “Ray, are you okay?”

Raven’s eyes moved up in utter distress to Clarke’s blue, and said in almost a cry, “He just called his dick a warrior. I am seriously going to puke.”

Lincoln’s face flushed and Octavia returned his embarrassment, with a laugh. She moved to her man, and pressed against him. “It’s okay, bae. I love your warrior.”

“Oh my god! I am not going. Raven moved hero own chair away from them.”

“Come on, RayRay. You know you’re just as gross with Bell-“ and Octavia tried to stop, but she was already too late because Raven’s eyes were already flashing a mixture of fury and pain.

Bellamy hadn’t been heard from yet. She would be surprised by his behavior, if he wasn’t know for abandoning the women in his life when they needed him. When Aurora had gotten ill, he disappeared on other peoples couches until her funeral. When Octavia was in hell, he left her there busy with his own life to come back and checked for her. Now that Raven was hurt, she hadn’t been surprised that Bellamy had once again run away from the woman he loved.

“He’s a dick, Ray,” she tried but Raven waved her off. And then they all witnessed the first time Raven admitted weakness.

“He shouldn’t have to be with me now. He needs someone that can keep up with him.” Looking down at her leg, the words were little more than a whisper but they all heard her. “I’ll never keep up with anyone ever again.”

Clarke was on her knees next to the girl though, and Octavia was taking their squirming kid from her arms so she could take Raven’s hands. “You will not need to keep up, Ray. You are going to surpass us all. You are capable of doing things that are going to change this world. You’re on your own hero’s journey, baby, and the fact is you may have hit your abyss, but that only means your transformation is just around the corner.”

Raven looked up at Clarke and they all knew she was wearing her mask, as she gave them a toothy grin. “I guess that means my super power will be like super genius, huh?”

Clarke smiled back, and Octavia knew that hers was fake as well, “Yeah, baby.”

**~Raven~**

The party was like any other high school party. Octavia had stuck with her for awhile, but Monroe had taken over pushing her around, when Lincoln became too focused on Octavia’s drunk tongue pushing into his throat. Presently, Raven could still see them, her sister straddling the boy on a nearby chair, both in a deep make-out session.

Looking back at crowd, she took in the number of drunken and high faces. She looked to Monroe, who was watching Octavia and Lincoln. She knew of her sister’s momentary exploration of sexuality with the girl at her side, but she hadn’t ever considered that the girl was in love with Octavia.

“How long have you loved her?” Raven asked, not sure what else there was to talk about. She had always been friendly to the blonde, but they weren’t friends. Not the way Raven felt about friends at least. Sadly, Raven realized though, she had not really tired to make friend. Attaching herself to her sister, and only tolerating the childish antics of the people that surrounded the younger brunette.

Monroe sighed, “That obvious, huh?”

“You’re drooling over my sister, which is gross since I am obviously the hotter of the two,” she said with a cocky smile at the blonde. She didn’t mean to flirt with the girl, but her heart hurt over Bellamy and she wanted to feel something. Another’s eyes on her in more than a _what happened to her way._ And if it meant stealing the gaze of Octavia’s best friend. She could handle that.

She let the soft blue eyes of the girl, and raised her eye brows a few times. But then she saw the look. The pity look.

Turning her chair, she looked hard at the girl. “Don’t look at me with sympathy. I don’t need that shit. You give me that look and I will do the same, since you are so hung up on my fucking sister.”

Raven had more to say, but she realized that she was just taking out her anger on the other girl. She saw the pale skin flush, and felt guilty for a second. But the second was interrupted by what sounded like a girl begging for someone to get their hands off her.

Raven turned her chair, but she didn’t need to move. She watched as she saw Octavia and Lincoln fly by her towards the sound. As Lincoln’s fist connected with another boy’s face. Murphy, that was his name. She had always known he was a scumbag, just never thought he would have to be pulled off some young girl.

“Dude, what the fuck are you doing,” the brown haired boy cried out, as his nose gushed and his eyes screwed shut.

Lincoln’s fist collided with his face again, and he hissed, “You don’t touch girls that tell you no.”

“Lincoln, enough.” The voice came from Octavia, and Raven watched in aw as her little sister’s big teddy bear ceased punching the boy and turned his attention to Octavia for further instructions.

The tiny girl looked over the boy on the ground, and turned to her man, “Can make sure this fucker sees the pavement.” Lincoln grabbed hold of the back of the Murphy’s shirt and drug him towards the gate, revealing the younger girl who was squatting and holding on to herself.

Brownish blonde curls reflected off the backyard lights, and the girl’s flannel shirt was dragging on the dirt, from where she cradled herself.

“Tris,” Octavia said quietly, not moving towards the girl. Tris didn’t move though, her head down in her folded arms.

Raven observed Octavia hesitantly step forward and reach her hand out to the girl.

**~Octavia~**

She knew that touching the girl would probably scare the shit out of her, but Octavia couldn’t help herself. She needed to reach out to the younger girl. But the contact would be unpleasant, because Tris’s reactions were all too familiar and it broke her a little inside. The jump did exactly what she thought it would do, as the first wave of memories broke across her.

_Fucking eh, get your fucking shit together._

She just held her hand to the startled girl.

Felt Tris flinch a little farther within herself.

Held her arm as she felt the shivers move from the girl to herself. But a warm hand brought her back to herself, and she looked up to see Lincoln nodding to her. She knew what it meant to be here like this.

Tris’ body still shook slightly, and Octavia could tell she was trying really hard to hold it in.

Octavia sat down before Tris in the dirt. The girl’s head rose slightly, her chin taking rest on her hands. Octavia could see the tear stains on the girl’s cheeks. The green eyes flicked up making their way to Octavia’s throat but not meeting her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Tris said softly. Octavia didn’t know for sure what she was apologizing for, but she figured she would just cover the one that she could give forgiveness, since Tris’s encounter with Murphy needed no apology.

“I don’t care about that bullshit you pulled, Washington. Nontu obviously taught me how to defend myself,” Octavia stated rather proud of how easily she had controlled the urge to kick the shit out of the girl that had attacked her. “I am more worried that you are here in a dark corner with Murphy, who everyone knows will get you drunk enough to consent. Its not safe to be drunk off your ass at a party.”

She sat still, waiting for the girl to speak again. It took sometime, but she finally commenced to speak again.

“I just-“ Tris started to say but she stopped, and her weakened drunk muscles caused her to fall forward. Once her knees hit the ground, Octavia had no time to move. The vomit coated her lap, as the girl retched over and over, until anything that had been in her stomach must be covering Octavia’s lap, shoes and splattered across the rest of her.

A thick throated laugh broke out from behind her, as Lincoln’s arms wrapped around her, pulling her to her feet. Octavia’s disgust was palpable, and her eyes shifted from the girl to the boy.

“She puked on me.”

Lincoln nodded with a smile, and then said, “Karma.”

Her eyes turned from irritation to anger, “Are you fucking serious, douche!”

“They were my favorite shoes,” he said quietly with a completely straight face.

Raven called to them though, as the girl heaved again. “Bigger problem here people! Like almost rape victim! Get your shit together O cause we’re taking her home.”


	16. With helping comes pain... Your pain... Their pain...

**~Clarke~**

Her body was rolling through waves of ecstasy, as she wrapped her fingers in Lexa’s hair. Clarke whined at the momentary loss of contact, when Lexa’s lips moved from her pulsing bud of nerves to flick the tip of their tongue against it just enough for a tortuous let down from the ridge she was steadily climbing.

“Commander, por favor… more… please Commander Leksa,” she begged. Her reward was the hot breath of a warm chuckle flush against her sex. Clarke would have bucked her hips to catch Lexa’s mouth, but her lower abdomen still ached from her incision and what minimal effort she had left was trapped under Lexa’s strong arms, holding her to the bed.

“Patience, Prisa. I have waited a long time to have you alone and I am not eager to let you finish just yet,” Lexa smoothly explained while their eyes were fixated on her pink glistening folds.

But then the front door slammed, and there were voices calling out for them. Clarke almost cried at the loss of Lexa’s breath and hands, but she was pulled back to the people in their house, as well as the sound of Levi calling out in fear from being drawn from sleep.

“Mom!” Raven called out. “Nontu! We need you! Stop fucking and get your asses out here.”

There was a moment of pause as Lexa looked over her naked body with a smirk. Clarke whispered, “How did she know?”

Lexa signaled with their hands to themself and then stood up straighter as though they were a goddess in marble. Clarke reached over and chucked a pillow at them. “You are so fucking full of yourself.”

Lexa was instantly on her, pinning her hands to the bed above her head. Their naked cunt marking her with their scent, as they growled, “You wouldn’t have me any other way, Prisa. Now be a good little wanting princess and don’t move.” They got up and pulled on their boy short boxers and a shorts bra. Taking one more look back at the woman, they said, “If you move without instruction I will beat that sweet little ass of yours when I get back and then we will go to sleep.”

Clarke swore her clit twitched at the threat in Lexa’s husky voice. She answered, “Si, Commander.”

Lexa growled again, moving out of the room. Clarke fought the urge to reach down and pick up where Lexa had left off. Her body begged for release, but she knew that Lexa would deny her another orgasm if they came back to find her touching herself or with her cum already present.

**~Lexa~**

They hit the nursery first and took Levi from their crib. The infant immediately relaxed in their arms, their mouth searching for what only Clarke could give them. “Sorry, babe, but only your momma can give you that,” they tell the baby, as they move down the hall towards the sound of puking in the girl’s bathroom.

_I hate vomit. Maybe I should go back and get Clarke._

But they fought the urge and moved towards the sound. They see Raven looking into the room, while still in her chair. Octavia came from her bedroom, dropping the trashcan with what looked like her clothes within outside her bedroom door.

Vomit mixed heavily with alcohol permeated the air. They knew that if both their girls were outside the room then someone else was the victim of the violent retching coming from inside the open bathroom door. They took another step forward and saw Lincoln kneeling beside another girl whose face was buried within the toilet bowl, too close for Lexa’s comfort.

 _That has to flying back at her._ They swallowed their own vomit and looked at Raven. “Who is she?”

Raven just shook her head, “You new daughter.”

Lexa’s jaw dropped and turned back to the girl. _So this is Tris._

Octavia moved down the hall towards their bedroom. They looked back at her and then remembered the position they had left Clarke. “Don’t go in there,” they stated.

The teen turned with the look of serious annoyance, and then declared, “Then tell her to put some fucking clothes on because that girl just puked all over me and I need a shower.”

_So much for finishing._

They turned back to Raven and Lincoln. Lexa knew there was nothing they could really do until the girl stopped puking. “You two good for a minute?” they asked, and received a nod of approval from Raven.

They moved down the hallway, and returned to their bedroom, to find Clarke still pleasantly spread across their bed. Clarke took one look at them and then her baby in their arms, and let out a frustrated grunt.

“You shouldn’t have teased me or at least let me finish myself,” she stated. Rolling to get up. Lexa quirked an eyebrow, and Clarke hesitantly lay back down with her hands back up by her head.

“You may get up, Prisa, but only because your child needs you and the other needs to use the shower,” they state as they move to give her a hand up, knowing her body still is unable to bend as it use to.

“What’s going on?” she asks as she pulls Levi into her. As if the child was completely aware of the exchange, they squirmed finding Clarke’s bare nipple and latched on without any coaxing. Clarke hissed, “Fuckin eh. I am not doing this when they get teeth.”

Lexa laughed slightly, pulling Clarke’s sweat pant over her lower half and helping her pull on a black button up shirt. They left the buttons undone, but make sure that Clarke’s breast were covered before, they called to Octavia. “Okay, kid the shower is all yours.”

The teen came through the door and went straight into the bathroom without a word. Clarke was still staring at the door when Lexa explained, “Tris is vomiting in the bathroom. I assume that she was at the party with the girls. Octavia apparently was vomited on and is clearly irate over the girl being here. Lincoln and Raven as with her now.”

They shake their head lightly, and then say, “I don’t like vomit, Klark.”

Clarke’s light chuckle is broke on with a wince and she looked down at the baby, “Seriously, kid, stop it.”

Lexa smiled. They were grateful that Clarke had continued to breast feed even though she clearly was one to not enjoy the experience much. “I’m sorry, Prisa,” they say. “We can switch to formula if you would like.”

Clarke shook her head, and said, “No, it’s fine. I just would rather it be you touching me. I can handle this for a while though. I just… I am not a fan of being the milk maid.”

Lexa reached over and stroked Clarke’s unoccupied breast. “I can …you know… pay them a little more attention later?” Clarke smiled at them and leaned forward weakly to press her lips to theirs.

“You already promised if I behaved that I would get to finish later,” she whispered, her hand covering Levi’s little ear.

Lexa smiled into Clarke’s kiss, “But Prisa, you moved before I told you you could.”

Clarke sat back, her eyes dark. Lexa couldn’t tell if she was angry or aroused. “You… and…”

Lexa’s finger moved up to silence her. They smiled, and in an octave lower they said, “That precious little ass is mine later… but I realize your confusion so you will get the chance to make it up to me.” They watched the blonde swallow and it made their sex warm and pulse slightly.

“First though, we need to handle the child that presently worshiping our girl’s toilet.”

**~Lincoln~**

The scene was all to familiar, except this time it was him, holding the small freshmen instead of his mother. He heard their footsteps approaching again. The girl had finally stopped heaving, and now lay with her head against his chest, trying to catch her breath as she clutched her stomach.

Raven was speaking outside the door, as he tried to help the girl up. She didn’t move though, instead laying her face to the cool tile. He stroked the side of her hair that even in his best effort still managed to have vomit in it.

“Lincoln pulled Murphy off her when we heard her cry out. He needs his hand looked at because he landed a few strong hits to the dick’s face. And then the girl puked all over Octavia, so I told her we had to bring her home. She is pissed at me, but we couldn’t leave her there.”

Clarke was the next to speak, “I don’t understand. If she is with Cottonwood, then why is she out. She has a curfew.”

“Don’t make me go back,” the girl whispered to no one, but the blonde mother moved into the room and immediately towards the girl. He watched her do the same thing they all did when first looking at Tris. She swallowed and took in the fragile face below her. He watched Clarke turn back and look at Lexa and then at the girl. “She looks just like you, Lex.”

Lexa’s eyes widened and they too looked over the girl. There was an uncanny resemblance to the two and he wondered if maybe there was a chance that they could be some distant relations.

Clarke hands gently coaxed the girl up to a seated position. Lincoln moved from the room to give them all more space. He heard the shower running from down the hall, and took advantage of everyone’s occupied attention. He made his way into Clarke and Lexa’s room and then to the bathroom just as Octavia was leaving the shower.

“Feel better, babe?” he asked.

Octavia looked over at him, running the towel over her dripping skin. She nodded, and then said, “It’s too much. Too familiar. I try to block those memories out and then here she is. Her issues are like mine all over again. And its just too much. You know what I mean?”

He moved over to her, and pulled her into him. Inhaling her fresh clean smell, and pressing a lingering kiss to the crown of her head. Whispering, he admitted, “I felt the same way. Like it was all too familiar. Like that first night we met. Like watching my mom helping you.”

Octavia shook a little in his grip, and he knew she was fighting back tears. Fighting back the memories of their first painful exchange as she was about to be taken advantage of just like Tris. Of how she had fought to be normal, but didn’t know what normal really was.

“I’m sorry, O. But you are safe. I won’t let anyone hurt you,” he promised her. Hoping that maybe his promises could pull her back from the darkness that had been swirling around her since the accident.

**~Clarke~**

Clarke’s back rested against the wall, as she coaxed Tris into her embrace. It was almost too easy, but she cast the thought away because Tris was not Octavia. Tris was already in the system and by the looks of it had been there for a while. She had probably not been shown any motherly affection for some time.

“Tris, I’m Clarke and you’re at mine and, my partner, Lexa’s home. Can you tell me why you’re not at Cottonwood,” she asked carefully, running her fingers through the girl’s tangled hair.

The girl sucked in her breath, and Lexa squatted down next to them. They almost whispered, “Did you runaway?”

Tris nodded this time.

“Why?” Clarke probed a little more. All she could do was hope that the girl would open up to her, but instead she pushed back. She pushed up, her elbow catching just the edge of Clarke’s stitches.

She tried to contain it, but her cry of pain was loud. The girl jumped back and cowered behind the toilet, as Lexa move to Clarke and pulled up her shirt. Her stitches visible and bleeding. Clarke’s tears were already staining her cheeks.

She could hear the thunderous steps coming from down the hall, and knew Octavia would lose her shit. She hoarsely, begged through clenched teeth, “It’s ok, just call my mom. She can fix it.”

“I’m sorry,” the girl was crying out from where her face was buried in her arms. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“What happened?” Octavia said, hitting her knees to the floor beside her mother. Turning to Tris, “What did you do?!”

Lexa’s hands were on her, and they told Lincoln, “Call Abby and tell her to get her ass here now.”

The pain hadn’t faded, but Clarke was getting her bearings. Turning her attention to her daughter, she explained, “O, it was accident. Its just some bleeding from my stitches.” And then to Tris, she said, “Honey, you’re fine. You didn’t know.”

“I’m sorry,” though she repeated again. Over and over again.

Octavia fell back with her back to the door, as Lincoln told Abby that Clarke was bleeding from her stitches, and then, “No they weren’t having sex.”

Clarke tried to laugh, because of course her mother would think it happened after they had sex. Holding out her hand, Lincoln placed the phone in her hand.

“Mom, seriously! You asked my future son-in-law if I split my stitched while fucking?”

She could hear Abby laughing on the other side of the line, and then her mother’s voice, “ _It was a valid question, Clarke.”_

“No, Mom, it was not a valid question, because they are not split its just bleeding and I want to make sure that everything is okay. Also your said that just to make him uncomfortable.” She cast a glance over at Lincoln who was standing outside the room, shifting his feet. “And by the looks of it you succeeded.”

 _“Maybe it will teach him to stop sneaking off my granddaughter.”_ Clarke rolled her eyes, but caught Lexa’s eyes who smiled and cast a glance back at Lincoln. “You are just as ridiculous as she is,” Clarke says, and then turns her attention back to the girl who was rocking herself still in a protective position behind the toilet.

“Okay, Mom. See you soon?”

_“I am five minutes away.”_

“Thanks, Mom.” She hit the end call button, and looked at Lexa who was staring at where her incision was bleeding. “Lexi, it will be fine. Can you take our broody daughter and calm her ass down though?”

Lexa nodded and pulled up the teen and out of the room. Clarke touched her wound and looked down at where her fingers were coated in a thin layer of her own blood. _Blood is so weird._

Not sure of what else to do, since the girl was still hiding in the crevice, she just started to talk. Rambling about anything that came to mind. “I just had a baby. It didn’t go how I planned it to go. But I guess nothing ever really does. I didn’t plan on meeting Lexi or Raven or Octavia. I didn’t plan on meeting you either. But here we are right. I heard you’ve been asking about me.”

She waited to see if the girl would look at her, but all she did was stop muttering her apologies.

“I know that something is wrong, and I can’t help if you don’t talk to me. But honestly talking can wait until after my mom helps me out some. I am not angry though. I mean it was an accident. And shit happens.”

_Come on, kid give me something to work with._

“I want to help you, kid. But you got to help me with that.”

It was so quiet, Clarke wondered if she was imagining it. But she had hoped she hadn’t. “I just want a family.”

Clarke knew that feeling. She had been in that search since her father has passed away. The more she considered it, she was searching before then. Always searching for the mother that she knew wasn’t there.

 _I did that to Levi_. Guilt overwhelmed her. She had worked so hard to create this family and when she gave birth she turned her back to the little peanut as fast as she could.

“Why did you run away, Tris? I mean they were looking for a family for you,” Clarke stated, even though she knew it wasn’t true. Cottonwood was one step up from juvenile detention. Long term care for kids that wouldn’t bee getting out of the system. It was warm and pleasant usually, the kids kept in houses instead of facilities with round the clock caregivers. But it wasn’t a family. It was a holding facility designed as a home.

She waited for the girl to speak again. “Tris, was someone hurting you there?”

The girl’s body shook a little as she confessed, “There was a night staff. He would get really angry…” she didn’t continue. But really that was all she needed to hear.

**~Raven~**

When Abby arrived, she forced Clarke to leave the bathroom floor with Lexa’s help. Lincoln had moved Octavia to her room, and they were locked behind the doors. She hoped that they were not fucking, but who knew when it came to Octavia. She tended to fall back into old habits when things got shitty.

Raven was left in the hallway. She rolled her chair to the doorway and looked into where Tris was still seated. She looked over the girl, deciding what to do.

“Get off the fucking floor and come with me,” she decided on. The girl didn’t move though, so Raven sucked in her breath and stated. “Look I have a fucking bum leg now, so I am not going in there only to get stuck. You fucked up my mom, and mentally I think you fucked up my sister. Do me a favor and just follow some fucking instructions for a change.”

The girl looked up at her. Raven stared into the girl’s eyes and added, “I know the street. It sucks. So come with me, because tonight you have a bed that no one is going to crawl into or pull you out of.”

She moved then, down the hall. She moved carefully, hoping the girl would see that no one was coming inside to get her. She waited outside the boys room door. She hadn’t been able to go in there, since the accident. Since Bellamy stopped calling and texting. Since Bellamy had broken up with her without a word.

She turned when she heard the shuffled footsteps making their way towards her. She took in the awkward teen, whose drunken stumble was making her way towards them. Raven smiled and wondered if this is what a zombie would look like.

“You look like a walker,” Raven said, and the girl looked at her in confusion. “Seriously? You have never seen _The Walking Dead_?”

Tris shook her head. Raven sighed and folded her arms across her chest. “Dude, you have been deprived.” She saw the darkness flash in the girl’s face. Carefully, she tried to recover “Don’t worry. We have all been there. We have all been without a mom in this house. We get the pain. So tonight, just sleep off your drunk, and be ready because tomorrow Mom will want answers.”

“Does Octavia hate me?” the girl asked wearily. Looking up and down the hallway, before glancing in the room with two beds.

Raven shrugged, explaining, “She doesn’t like change. You being here is change.”

“She’s not going to…?”

Raven shook her head and pointed to the room two doors down, “They are probably having sex. I sleep next door. Please don't be like a serial killer or a thief.”

“I’m not,” Tris stated, trying to pull herself up a little. Raven knew that look. Every kid on the street wants someone to believe that they are a good person. And most are. Most just don’t have a place to go.

_When I get my shit together. I’m going to make a difference too. Make a place that is safe._

“Well, great then prove it. There are no locks in this house. So you can come and go as you please. There is food in fridge, and you have been up-close and personal with out toilet. Need anything else?” Tris looked down, and Raven realized what was missing. “Follow me.”

Raven wheeled back to her room and into her space. Some things had been moved and Lexa had adjusted the legs of her worktable to make it to her level. She still had her senior project to finish, and she planned on going back to school on Monday. That was the goal. Clarke and Lexa hadn’t agreed to it yet, but she was determined.

Wheeling within the room far enough to make room for Tris, she pointed to the dresser, “Second drawer has tshirts and shorts for sleeping.”

Tris moved without question and took the set that was on top. Raven noted it was the pink shirt that she had stolen from Clarke after her very first visit. She hadn’t ever given it back because it was a memory. She wanted to tell the girl to take a different one, but maybe this was a sign.

Maybe it was something bigger telling her that Tris needed to be here.

Maybe it was nothing but her looking for a sign.

Maybe was just that though.

A maybe.

Tris paused and took in the room. Carefully she asked, “Are the person that blew up the chem lab?”

“Yep,” Raven said popping her p as she leaned back in her chair completely pleased by herself.

Tris looked over at her. Her green eyes were crazy brilliant like Lexa’s and Raven was awestruck just a moment. “Why do you all keep looking at me like that?”

Raven raised her eyebrows, and asked, “Have you seen our Nontu. You know Trikru?”

Tris shook her head, but followed in the direction of where Raven pointed. The teen picked up the small 5’x7’ frame on the dresser where she had pulled the clothes out. Raven observed as the teen’s brow’s scrunch, and then look back to her with a confused expression. Tris opened her mouth but then closed it.

It took a moment but she said, “She looks like me.”

Lexa’s voice broke through, “I prefer the pronouns they or them. Please don’t use she or her to refer to myself or mine and Cla-Griffin’s child.”

“That’s weird,” Tris stated, “but whatever you want.”

Lexa’s mask was fully in place and it made Raven want to burst into laugher, because she watched as the girl shift her weight uncomfortable under the commander’s steady gaze.

“You’re kind of scary,” the girl said, and Lexa nodded.

“Yes, I am.”

“Nontu, cut the shit. The girl is still buzzing and needs sleep. I showed her to the boys’ room,” she started, but Lexa looked at her with squinted eyes. Raven smiled and nodded her head towards Octavia’s room.

“You have to be joking.”

Raven swallowed her laughter, as Lexa moved from the room and had thrown up the door to Octavia’s room. Raven nodded to the door. “This is when Octavia and Lincoln get caught with their pants down.”

But that wasn’t the case. Lexa was standing in the door way, not moving. Raven and Tris both made their way to the room, and found Lincoln passed out with nothing but a pillow on the floor, and his hand holding onto Octavia’s that was hanging from the bed.

Clarke made her appearance then and whispered, “Lexi, you know he won’t let her do anything when she is in a dark place.”

Lexa huffed, and growled quietly, “He shouldn’t be doing anything ever to my baby.”

And Raven swore that Lexa ended their words with a snarl.

“Wow don’t go all barbaric animal on us, Nontu,” Raven joked. She couldn’t help it honestly because the stress in the house was just too much.

“Did Raven get you set for bed, Tris?” Clarke asked eyeing the clothes in the girl’s hands, and Lexa only partially closed the door to Octavia’s room.

The girl nodded and Clarke cast a questioning glance toward Raven when she saw the shirt and shorts that the girl held up. Raven shrugged as though it didn’t matter. But it did matter and she would be stupid to think that Clarke wouldn’t know how much it mattered.

“Are you…?”

Clarke reached over and cupped Tris’s cheek, saying, “Yes, honey. Its numb right now but I will be fine.”

“I told you to stay in bed,” the last voice came down the hall.

Clarke waved back at the other woman, “I don’t listen.”

“Only to Commander Nontu,” Raven throws in, earning her a death glare from Lexa. “Oh wait no she doesn’t listen ot you either does she. That’s why you have all those fun-“

“If you finish that sentence, Raven Trikru-Griffin, you can kiss that ’43 Chevy goodbye,” Lexa promised. Raven shut up. She shut up faster than Raven thought she could shut up. She wasn’t willing to give up her dream truck just for a jab at Clarke being a sub to Lexa’s dom. “Thank you, daughter.”

Raven rolled her eyes, “Add favorite to that and you could be more precise.”

Lexa rolled their eyes right back. “How about not-favorite. Let us add the adjective tolerable before the noun instead.”

“Rude, Nontu. Just rude.”

**~Tris~**

Tris watched the strange exchange between the infamous Raven and the terrifying teacher. It had been a huge deal at the start of the year when every found out that Griffin, Queen of Polis High, had married the most terrifying person on the faculty. The freshmen had all nicknamed them the Commander, but obviously that had come from here, or infiltrated here.

Being in their home was surreal. She hadn’t thought it would be this easy. It hadn’t taken much to convince Murphy to take her outside where she knew Octavia was. She hadn’t planned on puking all over Octavia. Or puking at all, but she knew the buttons to hit to get into the girl. The other girl was a little more difficult.

Tris hadn’t known anything about Raven and all stories about where she came from were confusing. No one too sure of her story. Plus she was like an enigma, only passing through classes as though they were too easy for her.

She stared at her own reflection in the bathroom mirror, where she had been left to change. Splashing cold water over her face, she washed away the vomit backlash and tears she had cried.

They hadn’t been fake. A lot of her actions had been, but she needed to do what she did so they would bring her home. She needed to be somewhere. Anywhere was better than where she had come from.

 

_She was ten, and had been on the wrong end of her father’s fist and cigarette too many times to count. It was a school day, but her mother hadn’t sent her to school. She learned that day that her mother had had enough. She knew this because the woman had kept repeating “I can’t do this anymore. Enough is enough.”_

_Her mother had finally found her courage, and her father was at work._

_Tris watched as her mother put clothes into a backpack. She was distracted by the task, and didn’t realize Tris was watching until she pulled the small revolver from the night stand and placed it on the bed. Catching a look at the girl she said rather too calmly, “Trisha, go back some clothes. No toys, just toys.”_

_She ran to her room. Pulling her folder and papers from the small ninja turtles backpack. Replacing it with her jeans and then some shirts._

_Briefly she clutched the tiny plush rabbit. Mr. Parker. That was his name. Her mother told her no toys, but surely she didn’t mean Mr. Parker. She pushed in the tiny brown rabbit into the bag and zipped. She zipped up her life into a bag, taking an inventory of everything she was leaving. The small chest of toys, and a few books. Really the room was pretty bare. She wondered if she would miss these things._

_But she didn’t have time to worry about that._

_The heavy front door with pealing paint slammed shut. The door closed and Tris froze as his work boots stomped through the house._

_She stood still, shoes cemented to the ground, as they were yelling again. She heard the sound of a fist against a face and then the collapse of her mother’s body on the floor. She knew it was her mom and not her dad. She knew it was a fist. It was always her mom. And it was always a fist._

_She pulled her heavy feet from the dingy carpet and she ran. But she didn’t run out of the house. She ran into the room. She ran into the room where he was still yelling, but before she got to where her mother lay there were hands too strong for her to fight._

_Hands picking her up and tossing her back. The wall met her body, but she got up._

_She should have stopped but she didn’t. She didn’t stop because he was hurting her mother and she had had enough too. She had had enough, so she ran forward again, eyes clenched shut. And she ran into him._

_But the hands took her again and then she was surrounded by her mother’s clothes in the dark. She was in the dark and all she could smell were lilies. The hint of lilies from the soap her mother always used._

_When the shot rang out, she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to do because she didn’t know who had been shot. So she sat in the closet with her mother’s clothes and scent around her. She sat and waited. She waited seconds that felt like hours before another shot rang out._

_Her ears rang and she covered them, but the popping sound kept repeating. It kept repeating over and over again. So she sat in the dark and wished for it all to go away. Wished for the family that were on the television. Wished for the hugs instead of the hits._

 

She pulled off her clothes and looked at the cascade of circular burns that littered her back. They were old, but permanent. A permanent reminder of the man that placed them there. A permanent reminder of the darkness in the closet. A permanent reminder of the night she sat in a closet while that man shot her mother and then himself.

Her recollections were interrupted by a soft tap on the door, “You okay, Tris?”

 _Tris._ Her name. The name that she had given herself after the large man with the dark uniform had pulled her from the closet and held her. Held her even though she didn’t want his hands on her. But she didn’t fight it. When hands have hurt for so long and hands caused the blood that surrounded her mother’s limp body, she didn’t have it left to fight.

 _You got to fight now, Tris,_ she told herself. If she wanted to be here, then she would have to fight for it. Because she couldn’t go back.

She couldn’t go back to the reality that no one wanted her.

She could make them want her.

She could be just like Octavia.

She could be the daughter they wanted.

_Not could be. You will be._

She looked at herself again. She wondered if the fact that she looked like her… _no you got to get it right. Trikru said to call her them._ _Get it right or they will send you back._

“Tris?”

She opened the door to see the blonde teacher looking at her. “Better?”

And she nodded. She knew that little words meant little lies, and the fewer lies she would have to tell meant the better chance she could fall into line with the Trikru-Griffins.

She followed Clarke down the hall slowly. She could tell the woman was hurting and she felt bad for causing that pain. She hadn’t meant to hurt her.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered again. Whispering seemed the thing to do in the dimly lit hallway. She figured the lights were off because Lexa had left Octavia’s door open.

Clarke moved into the last room, and flipped on the light. The room was set for two people, and she wondered if she would be sharing with another kid she didn’t know about. “This is the boy’s room, but since Lincoln is on O’s floor and Bellamy is still at school, you have the place to yourself,” she explained.

“Who is Bellamy?” she asked, realizing she broke her silent act.

Clarke looked her over, and answered, “O’s older brother. He is only here on summer and holiday breaks.”

Tris nodded so Clarke knew she understood. Clarke moved to leave the room, but hesitated at the door.

“Lexa and I would appreciate the opportunity to speak with you in the morning. Please do not slip away into the night.”

Tris didn’t acknowledge the request because she knew she wouldn’t be leaving tonight. She had worked too hard to make it into this house, and she wasn't going to fuck it up now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo.... I am not sure how people are feeling about this piece. I know it has been dark as hell. But they are going through a lot. Pleas let me know what you think. Please, please, please.


	17. With pain though comes opportunity... And opportunity is sometimes a chance for truth...

**~Raven~**

Lexa and Abby were both assisting Raven in maneuvering from her chair to the bed. Raven had managed to get out of her clothes without assistance, which she deemed was progress. However, getting from her chair to the higher bed was a whole different story. She needed to consider how to make her bed more accessible tomorrow.

She found herself balancing her weight on both Lexa and Abby, as she hopped to the edge of the bed on the leg she still had feeling in. While Lexa could do it herself, Abby had initially begun the shift but quickly realized her short stature was hindering her ability to assist Raven in moving. Once in the bed, Lexa moved her chair in a way that if Raven really needed to get into it, then she could.

Abby sat down on the side of the bed, and Raven felt the surgeon’s soft fingers brushing her hair back. It was relaxing, and Raven secretly loved it when Abby would come over because where it was movie time or sleep overs, Raven would manage to get the strumming of Abby’s fingers along her scalp.

Looking up, she took in the sight of her grandmother and wondered how it was this was the woman that Clarke and Octavia had feared. Well, her first entry into the house had been… unpleasant, yeah that word will due.  However, she had been soft even then. In search of forgiveness.

Lexa moved and sat next to Abby, taking her hand in theirs. Raven appreciated how much Lexa had grown to accept Abby. Even more so that their own mother, who they all knew was still dealing with her own issues. She was away at a month long Bible retreat, and Raven wasn’t even sure anyone had contacted Lidia to tell her about the last week of their lives.

“Thanks for coming, Mom,” Lexa said softly.

Abby smiled softly, “Of course, Lex. Anytime one of you need me I am here.”

Raven thought about her words for a second and then asked, “Gram, will you stay with me tonight. Its late to be driving and I know you drove here, but we can snuggle and you can be here for the interrogation in the morning.”

Lexa squeezed Abby’s hand softly as encouragement, and the grandmother agreed. Before Lexa could move thought, Raven decided to ask one more question.

“Nontu?” Lexa hummed an acknowledgement and waited for Raven to continue. She chewed on her lip, not wanting to make a big deal out of something that may be nothing. But it was eating at her. Her stomach clenching and hands wanting to shake a little.

“Remember how I was not the most honest person when I got here?” Lexa didn’t say anything, just eyed her knowingly and waited for Raven to finish where she was going, because seriously that was not a question that Raven needed to ask. Everyone remembered Finn’s arrival and Raven’s confession, which was followed by Raven bolting from the house in the middle of the night covered in minor scarps and cuts from a broken vase.

“This kid… she says all of the right things. Matching O’s story from the party to the bathroom, to seeking out help.”

Lexa’s voice was steady as they asked, “Do you think she is lying?”

Raven could tell that everyone had stopped breathing, and they were waiting for her to give her opinion. Slowly she nodded, but explained, “I think that there is a lot more to this. I was the one that said we were bringing her home. But Nontu, some thing is off. Like the way she runs from you and Mom at school, then pretends like she doesn’t realize how similar you are. IF she was seeking out Mom, then she would have been seeking out you too. Its not a secret that you guys are married. She is broody and sad and lost, but then falls into Mom’s arms at the first chance…”

“I agree,” Clarke’s voice is at a whispering level, but there is no doubt that everyone in the room heard her.

Raven looked over at her mother, and sighed, grateful that Clarke was feeling similarly. Abby’s hand returned to Raven’s hair, and she asked, “Is that why you want me to stay?”

She didn’t want to seem weak, but the truth was yes. She wanted Abby to stay because Octavia had Lincoln to look over her, and Clarke had Lexa. She couldn’t fend for herself yet, and she would deal with that at a later time. Like tomorrow. Tomorrow she would deal with needing a better defense plan than not being able to get out of bed. “Yes.”

Clarke moved carefully to the bed, and sat down in Raven’s chair, since the edge was already occupied by Lexa and Abby, who were still holding on to one another’s hands.

“Something is not right with her, but I don’t think she would try to harm us. I think she is more like you than like O, to be frank. I think that she would do anything to be here, and I think that Lincoln may end up owing Murphy an apology tomorrow. But let’s find out. Because Raven you are one of the greatest gifts we ever received, even if you were kind of like a Trojan Horse to begin with,” Clarke said.

Lexa cleared their throat, while looking at Clarke, “What do we do, Prisa?”

“We go to bed,” Clarke stated. “Mom agreed to stay with Raven tonight to make her feel more comfortable. Broody and Teddy are out cold, but we both know that that boy is a warrior and would never let anything happen to our girl. The only one left to account for is Levi, and they will be in the basinet within our room.”

Raven was amazed at how calculated Clarke’s plan was. Like this wasn’t the first time that she had needed to consider how to protect her family from a stranger in the guest room.

The fingers ran through her hair again, and Raven was glad Abby would be staying the night. She enjoyed snuggling with her grandmother, because really Abby was the first person to make her feel like family. In a time that neither of them had one.

**~Abby~**

Morning came faster than anyone probably wished for. Abby had woken at the sounds of Octavia and Lexa moving around the house before their morning run. She took in Raven’s slightly snoring form next to her, and scooted out from the girl’s arm that had wrapped over her waist to snuggle into her. She know that many would be appalled at the way Raven and her slept but there was nothing sexual about the embrace. 

“Not yet, Gram,” Raven said trying to pull Abby back but Abby quietly answered the girl.

“We know your mom will not be up for awhile and someone needs to be awake and moving when the girl gets up,” she carded her hands through the dark tresses. “Rest now, Ray.”

Raven hummed in response and just as quickly as she woke, she returned to even breathing and subtle snores. Abby moved to the dresser and dug through the clothes. She pulled out a t-shirt and jeans. With Raven’s sleeping breathes, she took the opportunity to change without leaving the room. The girl’s clothes were long for her, but Raven was equal in waist, so the capris fit decently, the shirt only slightly taught across her chest.

Moving from the room, she quietly pulled the door closed. She moved silently from the hall to the kitchen and made a bottle from the frozen pumped milk. Once the bottle was in the warmer, she moved from the kitchen and down the smaller hall to Clarke and Lexa’s bedroom.

The blonde was snoring loudly, and Abby walked as quietly as possible to the basinet where she could hear Levi cooing and gurgling softly. Peaking over the edge she met the infant’s eyes with a wide grin. The kid was truly precious in their tiny green onesie with little stars printed in white all over it.

Carefully, she lifted the squirming kid. For being so small and young, the child was not docile at all. Their fists and legs pumping as they tried to move on their own. Cradling the baby in her arms, she moved out of the room, leaving the door open so that when Clarke awoke she would hear the voices in the house and not panic at Levi missing from their basinet.

As she moved back to the kitchen, she saw the young girl standing awkwardly in the large open living area.

“Good morning, Tris,” Abby said.

The girl jumped a little turning towards her. She didn’t return the greeting, and it annoyed Abby a little. “Normally, when someone greets you, you return the gesture.”

“Morning.”

_Well that's something._

Abby removed the bottle from the warmer and tested it before giving it to Levi. Tris stood still in the middle of the room, clearly unsure of what to do next. Abby didn’t say anything, just moved to one of the couches and got comfortable with her grandchild. She hadn’t gotten to spend as much time as she would have liked with the baby and she was relishing this opportunity.

“Are you hungry?” Tris turned her attention towards Abby and nodded. “If you can wait a few Lexa and O will be back with Starbucks and that will get my grumpy daughter from her bed and she will cook breakfast. Most of us fail in that skill so you would be best to wait for her, however, there is cereal in the pantry and milk in the fridge.”

The girl moved over to where Abby was and sat on the couch that was farthest away from Abby. Abby watched as Tris sat at the edge of her seat, ready to move at the a moment’s notice.

“They know you are playing a game.”

She didn’t know why she said it. She just wanted the girl to be prepared. She wanted the girl to have time to sort through her thoughts and hopefully decide on the truth. Because Clarke and Lexa deserved the truth. This family was already going through too much change and emotional upheaval.

The girl’s voice was quiet but the husky roughness was still present. “Why did they let me stay?”

Abby chuckled, “Open doors. My husband’s thing really but Clarke was always so much like her dad. They deserve your real story though.”

“Why are you telling me this?” The girl was untrusting, which was to be expected. Abby knew the look, having seen it in both Octavia and Raven. The tough girl attitude to keep from getting hurt.

“I want you to tell them the truth about what you want and why you are here. And I know one’s first reaction is to lie, so I wanted to give you the chance. Give you the chance to be honest.”

Tris got up and started to move, “I should leave. I have already-“

The door opened then, and Octavia’s voice echoed off the walls and floor. “No way, Nontu, just expect that I fucking won.”

“Never.”

The two made their way into the living area carrying the drink trays. Octavia’s eyes fell on Tris almost immediately and Abby watched the playful demeanor of the girl vanish. Her posture straightened and the edge in every movement became increasingly noticeable.

Abby saw Lexa also straighten and take a hard look over the girl that was standing as though she was about to sprint from the house. Lexa glanced over at Abby who was pulling the now empty bottle from their child’s mouth and shifting them to her shoulder.

“Is she still sleeping?”

Abby laughed, as she stated, “Like I would try to wake her. I didn’t want to get hit with a pillow.”

Lexa nodded and pulled the drink from the tray and held it up. “I’ll give her her niceness and get her out here.” They looked over at Tris and then to Octavia. “There is that bag of clothes you set aside for donation in the laundry room. Get the girl something to wear and be nice.”

Octavia huffed in disagreement but motioned for the other girl to follow. Lexa moved to where Abby was and took the baby from her arms. They pressed a kiss to their child’s head, and then met their mother-in-law’s eyes. “Everything okay?”

Abby ran a hand through her hair and then got up. “I told her everyone knows she is lying. Maybe she’ll tell the truth now. Or maybe she’ll lie some more.” She shrugged her shoulder’s lightly. “But I gave her the chance to think about it.”

Lexa nodded and pressed another kiss to Levi’s little head. They shifted the baby so that they could hold them in one arm face out and belly down like a football. Abby couldn’t help but appreciate how easy parenthood took to Lexa.

_Yeah, they look good with a baby._

**~Clarke~**

Clarke didn’t feel Lexa’s hands strumming over her back immediately. But when it clicked, she twisted and pulled Lexa down to the bed with her. Pressing her lips to theirs. She learned that most of Lexa’s germaphobe tendencies did not include her morning breath or her pooling arousal at her sex.

Lexa pressed into the kiss, but it was the shaking of ice against a plastic cup that caught her attention and drew her from Lexa’s lips.

“Mine,” Clarke said reaching for the cup that Lexa held above her head out of the blonde’s reach. Clarke tired to reach it, but when she couldn’t she flopped back to the bed, her blonde curls spreading out across the pillow. “Mine, Lexi,” she whined.

Lexa chuckled softly, shaking the drink again. A drip of condensation fell from the cup and hit the bare skin above Clarke’s nipple. The cold drop sent a shiver through her, and she looked down to see the her darkened nipple tighten and lengthen longer than she ever had imagined was possible before pregnancy.

“Lexi, don’t tease me!” Clarke pouted, sticking out her lower lip this time.

Lexa moved and straddled Clarke across the chest, still holding the drink out of her grasp. “Prisa, we had an agreement last night that we didn’t get to finish and sadly, we still do not have time. I just want to make sure that you remember that you are mine… and your ass is mine too.”

Another drip landed on Clarke’s other breast, causing her to arch into Lexa. She huffed in frustration at her inability to move. She needed friction and release after being left in denial the night before.

“Lexa, stop teasing me and give me my fucking drink,” Clarke’s tone turning from aroused to grumpy at having been woken up to a refusal of coffee and a further delay of sexual release.

“Tisk, tisk, Klark.” The rough annunciation of her name caused her to audibly gulp back her irritation. She took in Lexa’s stern face, as they brought her drink to their lips and sipped. She knew they hated her drink, but they showed no disgust only minor amusement at the woman squirming below them. “Who gives the orders in this room, Klark?”

And they took another sip.

 _They're going to drink my whole drink!_ Her brain screamed and she pushed at their legs. But she couldn’t move them without possibly lose the rest of her drink to the bed.

She sucked in her breath and looked up into the emerald orbs staring back down at her. Through tight lips, she hissed, “You do.”

Lexa’s hand came up to their ear, and they cupped it as they leaned closer to her. “I’m sorry Klark but I missed that. Would you like to try again?”

They took another sip, and Clarke could see that the liquid was already past the second ridge.

_They drank four ounces. My four ounces. They will pay for that._

But they took another sip and the top green circle was not higher than the liquid. She cried out, her fingers brushing the bottom of the cup, “Lex, you’re drinking it all. You’re the boss okay? You’re incharge and I belong to you. I am yours, but that drink is mine and you know it. So give to me!”

Lexa laughed and they took another drink.

“Beg.”

Clarke’s eyes grew, “What?!”

“You heard me, Klark. I want to hear you beg.”

The smirk on Lexa’s face couldn’t be more set, as Clarke glared up at her. Normally she would beg. In fact during sex, she loved it when Lexa made her beg like a wanton slut. But this was her drink and it was disappearing before her eyes, because Lexa had the fucking green straw in their lips again and they were drinking again. It was half gone now, and she was becoming angry.

“Lexa Trikru-Griffin, you give me my fucking drink before I deny you sex for the next week!” It was a useless threat since Clarke was the one that needed continuous release, but she tried anyways.

As though to prove who held the power, Lexa took another drink and drained the remainder of the liquid of the cup. They shook the cup over her and let the droplets of cold water fall over her breasts. Her mouth opened and shut realizing how bad her plan stupid plan had back fired.

“You…” she started. Then tried again, “But… you… how could you?”

The hurt and anger in her voice was present, and Clarke wondered if Lexa felt guilt, but then they licked their lips. They licked their lips, and said, “Prisa, now tell me who is the boss and beg me to let you up.”

Clarke swallowed, seeing the green eyes being taken over by the darkness of Lexa’s pupils. And the drink didn’t matter anymore, because if she begged nicely then maybe Lexa would give her the one thing that could make losing her drink worth while.

“Commander, please. I am sorry I was naughty. I just really enjoy my drink and I should have behaved because you are so kind to me,” she began, but Lexa didn’t move. “You have ultimate control, Commander, and I love you so much that I know I can trust you with my whole world. Please Commander Lek-sa. Let me show you how much I love the way you dominate me.”

“And how do you plan to show me that I am the boss, Klark?”

Clarke bit her lip, and lowered her chin to gaze innocently up at them. “I can show you how obedient I can be,” she almost whispered.  “If you get off me, I will stay exactly where you put me. In any position.”

Lexa laughed though, and Clarke’s face scrunched in confusion. “Prisa, we tried that last night and you moved. I feel that if I get up, you will just break more rules because you enjoy your punishments too much.”

Clarke smiled at Lexa, because they were right. She enjoyed feeling their palm across her ass. Enjoyed the sharp sting of the crop across her legs. Enjoyed the way Lexa pulled her hair back when they pounded into her from behind landing heavy blows on her bare cheeks with each thrust.

“You’re right, Commander. I am sorry that I enjoy being bad, but I enjoy being yours more. So if you only want me to be good I will do just that.”

Lexa smiled down at her, and cupped her cheek with one hand. They bent in a disturbingly nimble way and pressed their lips to hers. She ran her tongue over their lips and tasted her drink. She wanted more and deeper, but Lexa pulled back and leaned to the side of the bed.

Clarke had been so focused on them drinking her drink, she hadn’t realized that they had brought another drink into the room and now held that one over her. Their tongue ran over the straw of this one and they looked down at her.

“Do you promise to behave, Klark?”

She found a new energy, and she nodded eagerly, “Si, Commander. I promise. I promise I will be good and obedient within these walls, Commander.”

Lexa smiled and tongued her straw again.

“Please Commander, please don’t drink it. You know you brought it here for me. You know that you want me to drink it because it will be make me happy, and you enjoy me being happy. Happy wife equals happy spouse.”

Lexa started to take a drink from the still full drink, but stopped as Clarke continued her pleading.

“Puhlease, I will do anything. Anything you want, Commander.”

They quirked a single brow at her, “Anything, Prisa?”

“Yes… ANYTHING!”

Lexa moved from atop their wife with a broad smile and offered Clarke a hand in sitting up. Once the blonde was righted they handed the woman her drink. She greedily took it drink in her hands and began draining it, before Lexa had a chance to take it back from her.

Once the drink was half empty, she glared at Lexa, “You are cruel.”

The over dramatic ecscalmation made Lexa laugh, before they explained, “You promised anything, Prisa, so the deal is you are on diaper duty all day.”

“You seriously held me down just so you wouldn’t have to change your kid’s diapers!” she called back, her eyes huge in disbelief. “You drank my drink… I could have had two drinks… and you just wanted me to change diapers? Are you really that ridiculous?”

Lexa nodded smugly and moved to the bathroom, pulling out a pair of forest green yoga pants and a black nursing shirt. After the week, Lexa had learned what was most comfortable for her. She stood carefully, and let Lexa pull away the pants and underwear from the lower half of her body, before she moved to the bathroom to relieve herself, but Lexa stopped her.

They held out their hand to Clarke but the blonde twisted like a child shielding her favorite toy. “Clarke, you cannot use the restroom and hold your drink. That is unsanitary.”

“No, Lexa, you will drink it,” she pouted, trying to drink it as fast as she could, but the pressure in her bladder was becoming increasingly uncomfortable. She moved from foot to foot.

“It was coffee with cream.”

Clarke stopped mid sip, and her eyes shot up to Lexa’s smirk. “What?!”

“It was an iced coffee with cream. I made them make it look like your drink to mess with you, Prisa.”

_Bitch!_

Clarke glared at them, and her irritation was now in overload. “You are shameless, Lexa!”

Lexa shrugged, “I don’t like diapers, Prisa. It’s like vomit and your child does a lot of both.”

“Well my dearest Lexa, you have earned yourself an entire week of both!”

Lexa’s jaw dropped and they sputtered, “But Clarke… Clarke you agreed to anything… You said anything.”

“And you tried to manipulated me, therefore, I must now remind you who the boss of this fucking house is.” She grabbed the clothes from Lexa’s hand and moved into the bathroom. Setting her drink on the counter, she huffed and moved to the toilet.

Lexa moved into the bathroom and gathered all of the things that Clarke still needed. They were moving quickly. “I only wanted to play a joke on you, Prisa. Surely a joke cannot earn me a week of vomit and bowel movements.”

“Oh now who is groveling, Lex?” Clarke said from her station on the toilet.

Lexa handed her the items, and flipped on the shower, “Prisa, please. I will do anything to not have to deal with a week of… please.”

Their eyes were soft now and slightly panicked, and Clarke could see they were genuinely disturbed at the possibility of having to deal with diapers and spit-up. She smiled over her present power, but felt bad at the same time she felt bad, because she knew that Lexa had already done more than their fair share of diapers. But at the same point Lexa needed to pay for the torture they put her through. 

“Dishes and laundry for a month then,” she offered, but then decided to sweeten the deal, “And tonight you take me.”

Clarke didn’t look over at Lexa as she finished her business and got all of her body tucked away into the fresh clothes. Once standing, Lexa pulled their running clothes from them. They moved their sweat sheened skin to her and hugged her. “You stink,” she hissed as they held her close.

“Dishes and laundry and no diapers. Si, Prisa,” They brushed her blonde hair from her face and kissed her forehead. “I love you, Clarke, and if you want to take me, then you just have to ask.”

Clarke pressed into them, not really caring that they were sweaty from their run. She pressed her head to their chest and listened to the sound of their heart breathing. “I love you, Lex.” Then more quietly, “Thank you for bringing me back.”

**~Tris~**

They had all waited as long as possible, but Lexa and Clarke had been in the bedroom for a half hour and everyone was becoming rather hangry. Abby and Octavia were moving around the kitchen, while Raven sat at the table with a few various braces and a set of tools. Tris watched carefully as the older girl took apart one brace, and began to fit pieces to another that was quickly becoming more elaborate.

“You scratch that table, and your mother will murder you, RayRay,” Abby called over from the bowl of eggs that she was whisking. Raven nodded to her, but it was clear to Tris that she had completely ignored everything the older woman had said.

She wanted to help, but the look that Octavia gave her when she had offered told her to shut the fuck up and sit down at the table until someone spoke to her.

When the door opened, no one paid any attention but Tris. She took in a large man wearing the uniform and then the two running kids that followed him. They squealed and broke up the delicate sound of human movement that she had been encased in since everyone had woken. The females worked seamlessly around each other without need for words.

But the unknown family’s entrance broke away that piece, and a large pregnant woman came in carrying a container or what looked to be tortillas. “Oh, Luna, you didn’t need to but thank you so much,” Abby said as she took the container from the woman.

“Abby, it's a family breakfast, so all family should contribute,” the woman, Luna, answered as she rubbed the underside of her belly.

The man in uniform moved to the swing and pulled the very alert infant from the seat, holding them up to see. “This little person is getting so big already. I can’t believe they are a week old.”

His smile was warm, and Tris wondered if this was what being a father meant. To start at children and look at them with love. She hadn’t been around many men, and never around a man holding a baby. So she wonder.

“Ryder,” Lexa’s voice said cooly, taking child from his arms. He rolled his eyes at Lexa and Tris could see the similarity in the two. An undeniable resemblance, as though they were more than just the put together family that Clarke and Lexa had made.

“Tris, this is my brother and his family,” Lexa stated. Tris watched the little girl who was maybe seven or eight run to the teen in the kitchen. The girl launched at Octavia who caught her and pulled her up on one hip. It was surprising. Tris had only ever seen Octavia angry with her, and seeing her with her _cousin(?)_ was weird and she wondered if it meant that Octavia really did hate her.

Gradually she became uncomfortable with the vast array of people in the room, but then there was another man there. A larger man with too many wrinkles to be another brother.

“Hey, Gramps,” Raven said, not even really looking up form her project. The man moved to where she sat though and wrapped his arms around her neck. He pressed a kiss to her head, and Tris was immediately envious of what all these people had. But truthfully at the moment the only person she wanted to be was Raven at the other end of that embrace.

Maybe he felt her staring at him, because his eyes shifted to her. His eyes were green. The same green as Lexa’s. The same green as the cops. _What was his name again._

“Ryder, get your pinche fingers out of the bacon,” someone said and then there was a slap. She moved form her chair at the sound even though she didn’t know what it was or where it came from. When she looked up it was quiet and all eyes were on her. She tried to move back to her chair like nothing was wrong, but everything was and everyone knew it.

They tried to go back to greeting each other, but she knew. She knew that she was an outsider intruding on their world and she had made herself known. She had made her weaknesses known.

_They won’t want you now._

She tried to think of a way to make things better. Tried to find a joke to tell, but nothing came. As the moments passed her beating heart increased as well. The pounding in her ears, made it impossible to concentrate on anything.

But then there was a hand on her. A large hand that was weathered with age. The gruff voice was scratchy and tattered, and she fell in love with the sound as he took a seat next to her. “I’m Charles,” he said, then explained further, “Lexa and Ryder’s father.”

Tris inventoried his face, the crows feet at the corners of his eyes. His busy eyebrows grey from age. She took in his plaid shirt and the way even the top bottom was hooked. She watched the way her breathed for a moment, each breath deep and steady.

 _I’ve been looking for you_.

But she couldn’t say that allowed. She couldn’t say that she had followed the name, after leaning of it. That she had found his name in her file. His last name attached to her mother’s. She had been searching for two years.

High school was the first time she had heard that name again. But it was connected tot eh most terrifying teacher. However, she- _they!_ -had married the blonde teacher that everyone had loved so much. The blonde that had taken in the star softball player and the resident genius.

The blonde was the way in to Trikru. But the blonde disappeared from campus before she could get her courage or her story to get to the house. And Trikru was too terrifying. She had tried once to approach the teacher, but _they_ were lost in their own thoughts. So she had to find another way.

Really Cottonwood wasn’t a bad place. Loud with too many bodies, but it wasn't home.  It wasn’t family. And no one wanted a kid that jumped every time someone made a loud noise. No one wanted to adopt the kid that was scared when they moved to quickly.

But maybe someone here would.

Maybe they would because she looked like them all.

Maybe she looked like a Trikru because she was a Trikru.

“You are a quiet one, aren’t you,” the man spoke to her again. She didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know if she had words to say. But Abby’s voice echoed in her subconscious, _Give you a chance to be honest._

“I’m Tris,” she whispered. But then she chose to be honest, “and I think you knew my mother… Her name was Charlotte Trikru.”

And then the room was silent. No one moved. She wasn’t even sure if anyone breathed. Time stopped, or at least she thought it did.


	18. Peripeteia... knowing that nothing is really known...

**~Clarke~**

When Clarke exited the bedroom, her entire family was frozen and appeared to be holding their breath. She catalogued the room and realized that every single person was staring at the girl seated at the dining room table. And the next thing she noticed was the look of pure adoration the girl was looking up at her father-in-law.

The general however looked to her like she had just dropped a bomb in his life, and he was still processing the most effective way to handle this new terror. She wasn’t sure of what she missed, but whatever had happened was unfolding as if the freezing spell was wearing off. Because Lexa’s mask was dropping back into place, and Ryder had turned to look at them. The two were communicating with only their eyes.

Looking at her younger daughter, she saw a thick blanket of rage swirling around her, and Clarke hoped the girl was restraining her desire to explode. She had become better at restraining her desire to lash out at people. Clarke could just theoretically cross her fingers and hope the girl would maintain that struggle.

But then the silence was broken.

It was broken by Ryder, who in her analysis of Octavia had turned back to his father with a glare ready to kill.

“Who is Charlotte Trikru, Dad?”

_What the fuck did I miss?_

Clarke moved to Lexa, and tried to sooth her partner but they were rigid to her touch. Ryder was still trying to get answers, but Clarke could only hold onto to Lexa. Not to hold them still, but to let them know they were not alone.

Their eyes locked on the teen that had lied her way into her house. And now whatever was going wrong surly had to do with the girl who was shaking as she opened up a colorful sheet of paper and placed it on the table in front of the Charles.

Charles’ voice whispered the woman’s name again, “Charlotte Washington.”

Lexa turned then and walked towards the front door with Levi. Clarke considered going after them, but Octavia was already running after them. Trailing her nontu like a well-trained puppy.

She decided not to follow the two. She didn’t follow because Lexa was not going to leave her. She knew that Lexa just needed space and time. Just like Octavia and Raven did when they were angry.

Besides, the girl shrinking into the table trying to disappear needed her right now.

She may have lied or manipulated her way to get here. But she was family. She was family because she wanted to be family.

And she didn’t just want a family. She wanted them, so they would be there for her.

The green eyes looked up at Charles and tears were falling. Tears were falling from her eyes. Green eyes just like Lexa’s were raining down the child’s pain, and Clarke couldn’t take it anymore.

_I got you, baby._

**~Charles~**

His breath had been stolen from his chest. Stolen as though this petite Lexa look-a-like she was an IED that had been placed in the perfect place to cause the most destruction. Sucking in all the oxygen by pulling it from room, leaving everyone breathless.

He stared into the green eyes that were too much like his children’s. Too much like his.  The eyes that were begging for acceptance, just as the fragile sixteen year old that thirteen years prior had gazed at him. He had denied his child then, and it resulted in over a decade of solitude for his Lexa.

_She can’t me more than fourteen. She was made the year my baby walked out on me._

She sat here like a second chance.

A second chance to be there for his family.

But could it be a second chance if he had no idea who Charlotte Trikru was.

He took in the girl’s tanned skin and messed brown curls. He took in the way her face was a little more heart shaped, a little less sharp like his two children that wore their mother’s jaw.

His analysis was broken though, as his son barked at him, “Who is Charlotte Trikru, Dad?”

He swallowed thickly as he met the man’s eyes, seeing the anger and accusation buried there. Charles swallowed the thickness in his throat that impeded his air flow. His eyes flew to Lexa, who stood still and met his eyes. Their eyes showing nothing. Showing the coldness that only the street could teach someone. It was like the smiling new parent had vanished behind a mask of indifference.

“Dad, who is Charlotte Trikru?” Ryder asked again, the edge sharper.

He looked around the room, and realized that every single person had heard the girl. Every single person was thinking the absolute worse of him.

“I don’t know,” he finally stated, turning his attention back to Tris. He watched as the girl shrunk and the hope that gleamed only moments before was gone, buried completely in a way he only thought Lexa was possible.

“Well she seems to think you would know her mother…” Ryder growled, his words cut short by the woman at his side, trying to pull him back from approaching him.

Charles stuttered, “I… I understand…”

He reached over to touch the girl’s arm, but she instinctively withdrew her arm so that the table would block most of her. He thought she was trying to hide, but then she shifted in her seat. She moved and she was pulling something out of her pocket.

The something was a paper. A paper that was tattered, as though she had been carrying it with her every day. The folds soft and worn, and she unfolded the paper.

She unfolded it carefully with shaking hands, as though the paper was her last chance at a hope that she had finally given up on.

Then the paper was on the table. The hands that placed it there retreated The creases erasing many of the words, like the “of” in Certificate of Death. The colorful document, tattered from the girl’s lost dreams. The document had a girl’s name on it.

“Charlotte Washington.”

He didn’t realize he had said the words allowed as his hands took the paper and moved it into a position that made it easier to read. The paper gave a lot of information. But only four pieces were important.

The first was the girl’s date of death: four years ago.

The second was the girl’s date of birth: she was 28 when she died and born in February.

The third was the girl’s father’s name: Charles Trikru.

The fourth was the girl’s mother’s name: Diana Sydney.

Charles had known a Diana Sydney. He had known her for just two weeks. Two weeks before he went on his second tour overseas. He knew her two years before he had met Lidia. He had known the woman in a time when he was young. When he was impulsive. And for one night he knew her more intimately than he had ever known a woman.

His eyes welled, as he took in the remainder of the information.

 

_The evening news drawled on as he read through a paperback of The Book Thief. Honestly the story didn’t interest him much, but he hoped that his little girl had found someone to love her like Hans. To be the protector that he had failed to be for his young her._

_Lexa had been gone almost ten years, and her absence still tore them apart. He wished he would have known when he slammed his hand to the table demanding the girl be what he wanted. He wished he could turn it all back and make a different choice._

_“Charles, did you hear that?”_

_He looked up at Lidia who was staring at the screen of the television set on her favorite channel, Fox News. The petite blonde reporter stood outside a run down home in Phoenix. The yard covered in rocks and weeds, and police moving in and out of the house._

_“The victim has been identified as Charlotte Washington. Sources say that Washington was making an attempt to leave her husband when he returned from work, killing her and then turning the gun on himself…”_

_Lidia bounced slightly in her seat, “Oh honey, look there is Ryder.”_

_Charles could see his son moving alongside another officer that was carrying a little girl. He felt for the girl as he tried to tune back into what the reporter was saying, but the camera zoomed in on the young girl’s face. It was unmistakable that the girl was in shock. He had seen the vacant eyes after tour after tour in war zones. The look of broken men and women just wishing for a home._

_“Charles, did you see him?” Lidia was looking at him and he nodded slightly, bringing the whiskey to his lips. The girl was too familiar and he drank away the memory of when Lexa had been that small._

_Were Lexa’s eyes dead like that too?_

_“The woman and her daughter were believed to be victims of long term abuse, and advocates have already begun questioning what will it take to stop like domestic violence. Many…”_

_He took another sip, turning off the sounds of the room by focusing on the burn across his tongue and down his throat. He couldn’t drown the vision of the child. Another lost child. There were too many of those in this world… including his._

_The child haunted his dreams, and he found himself making several large donations to shelters for domestic violence that provided sanctuary to women and children that were trying to get their life back._

 

The man, Quintin Washington had committed suicide after shooting his wife. Quintin Washington had killed the woman listed as his daughter. The daughter he never got to know.

He choked back his own tears, years of practice made it easier than it should have been. He swallowed his pain because his family was watching and this was not how a general acts.

He turned and looked at the girl, whose eyes were staring at the table. Her body was quivering and he could tell she was trying to be strong. He wanted to reach out and hold her. He had learned how to hug grandchildren thanks to Clarke and Lexa’s girls and Ryder’s kids. But he was scared. He was scared because embracing her meant embracing another grandchild after failing their parent.

The paper was out of his hands then, and it took a moment for him to realize that Ryder had taken it from him.

“You had another kid?” this time it was a whisper.

_I had a daughter. I failed them both. I failed them all._

“You had another kid and you abandoned her too. You abandoned her just like Lexa.”

He looked over to see them, but they only could see them walking away and a teen chasing after them. The younger teen calling after her nontu, begging them to come back and that it didn’t change anything.

_But it does. It changes so much._

“How many other kids do you have?” the man spit with sheer disgust.

Charles Trikru stood then. He stood and he walked in the direction that Lexa had fled with the infant that he realized he may never be allowed to see again. But he was stopped by his son hand on his chest.

“You don’t get to talk with them right now,” he said. Charles had to respect his son’s unwavering desire to protect Lexa. To protect the family they created with the blonde.

He didn’t shake the grip away instead he looked at his son. Looked into the hurt eyes, and said, “I didn’t know.” The cop shook his head and sighed heavily. “It was before your mother and it was one night. I left the next day for Germany after a night of empty promises about forever.”

Everyone was still waiting for more explanation, but he didn’t have any to give. He had never known the woman that was murdered. He had barely known her mother.

_You have another granddaughter._

He turned back to the girl, and asked, “Why are you here?”

Tris’s tearful eyes looked up and the tears fell. They feel quickly and uncontrollably. She was not sobbing, just tears escaping as though they had their own will. She opened her mouth to speak but then shut it again.

The blonde approached her then. She walked up to the girl and pulled her up from the seat to press her into her chest. The mother to all lost children was there to pull the girl into her and hold her as his granddaughter broke into a middle pieces.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, but either no one heard him or no one cared about his apologies anymore. Because he had ruined his family without even knowing it.

**~Lexa~**

The moment of peripeteia. The moment that one realizes everything they thought they knew was truth, turns into lies. But really it wasn’t a lie just another fucked up part of Lexa’s reality. That when they through they understood, life would smack them in the face and remind them that they knew nothing.

They stood on the porch looking out over the street. Levi squirmed lightly so they ran their fingers over the infant’s tiny torso. Octavia was on the swing and they knew she was there to chase them. But they had no intention of leaving.

Kicking Charles Trikru out of their life for once and for all, now that was an option. But they weren’t their father. They wouldn’t have a bunch of kids to turn their back on them. No, Lexa would stay and be the parent they had known themself.

They would stand strong and love their children unconditionally. They would raise their children to be strong and loving people. To create a safe place for kids that needed a home.

Even kids that looked too much like them.

Even kids that lied to get into the house so they could be safe.

Even kids that blew up the minimal relationship they had managed to build with General Charles Trikru.

A light breeze blew over their exposed arms and they shifted Levi so their chest met theirs and their little head could rest on their shoulder. They moved to the swing and sat next to their daughter. Sat next to the girl who immediately pressed into their side and wrapped and arm around their waste.

_He had a daughter and he just left her. He turned his back on her just like he turned his back on me._

Lexa pressed a kiss to Levi’s head for a moment and then to Octavia’s. They held their kids and they whispered through falling tears, “I will never leave you. I will never turn my back on you. Because I love you. You are mine and I will never turn my back on you.”

**~Tris~**

The teacher’s hands were one her and she was being pulled into them. She could speak to him because she had just ruined his life. She had ruined his life just like she had ruined her mother’s. No one wants to be a teen mom, marrying the high school dickhead that knocked her up on prom night.

She was a grenade.

Her destiny was to blow people up.

Made to create as much destruction as possible.

But she wanted to be something that didn’t destroy everything around her. She wanted to be someone like Octavia. She wanted to be a star that over came the brutal reality that tried to crush her. She wanted to be like Raven. The teen genius that was amazed everyone with her resilience and wit. They were her heroes, and she wanted to be a hero.

But she wasn’t a hero, because she was a grenade.

She wouldn’t rescue anyone, because she was bound to blow up.

She would never create joy or safety, because should would never be safe for anyone.

So she cried for her life. She cried for the woman that never knew her father and fell for the first man that promised to love her. She cried for the grandfather that she had just destroyed. She cried for the perceived reality that she was never wanted and would never be wanted.


	19. Pain breaks... but love... that shit helps stitch the pieces back to a whole...

**~Lexa~**

It took Lexa several moments to calm their anger. It took even longer to talk their daughter into letting loose her anger towards the girl. That had been more difficult that realizing that they didn’t know anything about Tris’ mother or her father’s choices. They knew that they had jumped to immediate conclusions of his chosen abandonment. Because it’s what he did to them. He abandoned them in they needed him.

 _No, you can’t blame him for you leave._ And then, _we both made a choice. Both were wrong and hurt us, but it made it possible for me to understand. To understand what I meant to be like Raven… and like… Tris._

She had held them across the middle, as Lexa reminded her that they were not leaving her. Not ever going to leave her.

“I don’t want her here, Nontu,” Octavia whispered, as though she wasn’t sure she wanted to really tell them.

Lexa squeezed her tighter, and asked, “Why, O?”

Octavia’s breath was hot on their chest, and the heated fabric was slightly uncomfortable. Levi may have felt it because they kicked their tiny leg out as though to smack the girl in the nose.

“Talk to me, please.” But Octavia still didn’t explain. Just breathed out in a few heavy sighs.

The mixture of Octavia’s breath and the Arizona spring breeze, both caused Lexa to feel the sweat drip down their back. They weren’t sure how long they could stay in this position but there were trying to outlast the teen.

They pushed the swing back to rock them all when Levi let out a choke cry of frustration from being immobile too long. The chain scratched across the O-ring as the beam above them creaked softly in response to the movement. The movement and noise calmed Levi some, but they kicked eagerly as the trees and flowers behind them rose and fell.

Finally Octavia pulled her body from them, and Lexa appreciated the loss of body heat. They adjusted Levi from their shoulder, to facing their sister. Octavia smiled weakly at the smooshed baby face that stared at her without expression.

“You know this kid won’t really smile until they are 3 months, but I still keep trying to get them to anyways,” Octavia said, before pulling her tongue up towards her nose and pouting out her lower lip. She finished the monkey face by pulling out her ears.

Lexa watched with a soft smile of their own, and it grew when Levi cooed and gurgled at their sister. Their eye only wide without emotion and their head bobbling slightly.

“Can we draw eye brows on them and see what kind of fucked up faces we can get them to make?” Octavia asked. Lexa knew she was deflection the conversation. They twisted their lip and quirked a single eyebrow up.

“Your mother will probably lose it if she caught us,” Lexa answered, but then added, “If you tell me what is going on though we will totally do it and photography it. Plus the look on Prisa’s face when she sees them.”

Octavia smiled and bounced slightly, causing the beam above to groan in protest at the movement. But her smile faltered when she finished processing the condition.

“She brings back bad memories,” she starts. The teen’s body shifted in the chair and faced forward again. Losing interest in Levi.

Lexa knew how Octavia functioned so they sat still and waited for her explanation. They waited for her to find her words.

“She is too much like me… And I mean that’s fine… it’s not fine, but I can handle that. It's the aftermath though.”

The teen’s aqua eyes looked up and searched them for understanding but they didn’t have any to give her, because they didn’t understand in the way that she wanted them too.

“When Mom brought me home, I was mean. Like not a little mean, Nontu. I looked for ways to share my pain with her. I destroyed things she cared about because I wanted to destroy her. I wanted… no I needed her hurt so that she could understand… so she could understand and I wouldn’t have to hurt myself anymore,” she confessed. Lexa swallowed but tried to remain calm. They had known of Octavia’s tantrums and verbal assaults. They had not known that she was enacting bodily harm to cope though. They could tell the moment Octavia realized they hadn’t known.

Carefully she stood up, and turned towards them. She pulled at the top of their jeans and revealed her hip covered in raised scars, one in particular was pink and poorly healed.

They looked up at her and nodded to signal that they understood, not trusting their ability to speak at the moment. Not sure their voice wouldn’t break with any word that came out.

 _Baby, I’m sorry and I will never let someone hurt you again. I love you_ , were the only words echoing in their mind.

The teen sat back down, and she looked to the ground. They could tell she was etching the grains of the wood in her mind. Or at least they thought that was what she was doing because if it was them that is what they would be doing.

Her voice hitched as she said, “I don’t want her to hurt you or Mom or Ray… and I would kill her if she hurt Levi. But kids like me… we’re vicious, and we just we share our pain.”

Lexa reached over and placed a hand on the girl’s knee. They searched for their own words this time.

“I would never let anyone hurt you, your sister, or Levi. And you have to give your mom and I more credit, baby. We are strong and we know when you are hurting,” they say.

Octavia went back staring at the ground.

“I am not saying she will live here. Not at all. I am saying that we have to find what is best from her. But I need you to stop treating the girl poorly.”

The teen’s eyes shot up, “I haven’t-“

“Your eyes are enough to tell the girl she is not wanted. And I think we both know what that feels like. Its torture and it breaks us apart,” they say. Then they add, “And you are not one to break others. Heroes don’t hurt kids, O.”

The teen nodded and then with a slight smile she said, “I could be a hero.”

“You are one. Now use your powers for good.”

**~Raven~**

There wasn’t much for anyone to say. Raven could see that Ryder was distraught; his face fluctuating between anger and sadness. Abby had taken Gus and Alexi outside to the yard, because Tris was still sobbing into Clarke and Charles had sat himself back in his chair. Her grandfather seemed lost in his thoughts and she felt a pull to protect the greying soldier that had embraced her on their first meeting.

She couldn’t really help anyone though, because she was stuck in this fucking loner chair. Her one sense of irritation built within her, causing her to focus her attention in the midst of her family’s turmoil to complete the adjustment needed for the brace.

_If you can get this piece of shit working maybe I can distract everyone._

She fit the piece to the base brace that she had earlier disassembled from its less comfortable assembly.

Her focus was so locked on getting her mobility back, that she missed most of what else going on around her. Specifically that Lexa had returned to the room and was standing along side of her mother and embracing the blonde and the crying girl.

**~Charles~**

The world was tilting and Charles struggled to grasp on any single emotion but there were too many. Too many to process. Each tangled as earbuds caught in someone’s pocket or purse. Twisted and knotted to tightly to distinguish between were one kink began and another ended. Twisted so tightly that many would toss away the set only to replace them. However this was their family that their carelessness had knotted and potentially ruined.

But how can any man, even one skilled in war, handle finding out he had a daughter he never got to meet. A daughter that was abused for who knows how long. A daughter that was abused until she broke and her life ended at the muzzle of a gun. That he had lost two babies, and any metal the army had awarded him was just a mockery of his utter failure as his responsibility as a parent.

Hand failed to protect his first child and then her child. Had failed to protect Lexa and let them just walk away. Never chasing after them. Never bringing them home.

He was wrong, the girl was not the bomb. He was the bomb, ruining the lives of the members of his family. Because his choices had ruined the life of Charlotte Washington. His choices had forced Lexa to the street.

And now he would break Lidia. He would break Lidia with the news that he had had a daughter. He had had a daughter and now he had a granddaughter that wasn’t hers. That was his, but wasn’t hers.

**~Clarke~**

The blonde couldn’t do anything but hold the girl, and it was too real… too familiar. Because Octavia had fallen just like this. Her tattered heart too heavy to hold it together any longer. And Tris was breaking. Tris was breaking so completely.

“Tris, you’re here and you’re safe,” she whispered to the gangly teen in her arms.

There were another set of arms around her and the girl, and Clarke looked up with only her eyes to see her partner’s still damp curls falling over the girl in both their arms. They were here and they were here to help. An overwhelming desire sense of pride for Lexa’s strength filled her heart and she knew.

She knew in the moment that they could handle this. They could handle this girl’s broken heart, and they could show this child what a family was. They could do that because while she was strong, together they had proven time and time again that they were unstoppable.

“Tris,” their voice was strength and commanding. “I need you to breath.”

Clarke felt as the girl shook, but she could also hear the girl suck in her air and hold it.

“Now let it out,” they instructed. The hot air rushed over her chest, and Clarke pressed her lips to Lexa’s shoulder. “Again.”

This time the air was released quicker. Her small frame quivered but it was becoming more calm with each intake of oxygen. They held her still. Their arms around her and each other. One unit to bring the room back on balance for the girl.

“I love you,” Clarke whispered to them. They nodded into her, and she knew that they were struggling to hold their emotions together to support this child that wasn’t their child.

**~Raven~**

With the new pieces fitted, Raven pulled the brace off the table and into her lap. She immediately noticed the large scratch left on the dark farmhouse table, and instantly she sucked in her breath.

 _She’s going to kill me_.

The blonde loved that table. It was the only old piece of furniture in the house. It was the table that Clarke had been raised at. The table that her father had taught her how to draw and write her letters.

Raven looked over at her parents holding the girl, and she knew that she screwed up but that these two wonderful people were more than capable of forgiving her.

And if she could move again.

If she could get out of this chair.

Then she could fix the now marred table.

She could repair anything… including herself.

Turning her attention down to the brace, she shifted in her seat and pulled at the black sweat pants to move her leg out farther. It moved as though it was not apart of her, and her hands shook. They shook because she was afraid. She was afraid that this would not work.

Afraid that she had made a mistake.

Afraid that she didn’t try hard enough to get better.

Afraid that she gave up the chance to be whole once more.

But then there were hands on her hands. Hand steadying her. Hands that were caloused and sun kissed. Her eyes rose to see her baby sister kneeling before her. Her sister begging with only her red rimmed eyes to let her help.

Raven bit her lip and sucked in a breath. She chewed on the chapped skin to hard, and rust tickled her taste buds.

“Please,” the girl requested.

Raven nodded, and within moments the brace was pulled from her lap. She watched as Octavia flipped it over in her hands trying to determine how it functioned.

“This side is up,” Raven instructed, pointing to the wider region that would lock high up her thigh.

Octavia smiled softly and nodded. She slipped the top of the brace under her leg and up until the back ridge pressed to the upper region of her thigh and she could feel the pressure of its presence. Octavia pulled the strap around and secured the top with the slide buckle before pulling it back to meet the scratchy Velcro edge to the softer area. She fastened the next strap that tightened the metal braces closer to her knee. Her sister worked her way down, fastening each of the strap until the last was hooked.

When she was done, she sat back on her heals and looked up at Raven. Her gaze was expectant and waiting for further instructions.

Raven smiled softly, and whispered, not wanting anyone else to hear her request, “I think I will need the crutches in the hall.”

Octavia nodded and moved quickly. So quickly that Raven wasn’t positive that the girl had ever actually left. But the crutches were in her hands, and now Raven had to decide what to do.

“Can you…” she hated this part the most. “Can you help me get to a standing position?”

Octavia leaned the crutches on the table, and moved beside Raven. With strong arms, the softball player picked up her always tiny sister and pulled the darker girl into her.

Raven’s balance was off as she tried to steady herself on her strong leg. Once she was on her foot, Octavia supported her with one arm and Reached for the crutches with the other. Neither noticed that Ryder had pulled the chair back, giving them both room to navigate.

They didn’t notice because this their was their moment. Raven’s moment to embrace her genius, and Octavia’s to support her sister’s strength.

With a crutch supporting her non-dominate side, Octavia handed her the other. Raven took it, shaking. Not from weakness but from fear of being wrong.

Octavia stood by her with hands on her ribs, as the older teen pulled the second crutch under her strong side.

Then they stood still. They stood still as Raven gathered her courage to nod that she was okay. Their moment was long, and they stared at each other for strength. Because ti would take strength for Raven to move on her own, and it would take strength for Octavia to let go.

Because what if she fell?

The what ifs worrying them both, but neither voicing them. They didn’t need what ifs right now. They needed a moment of triumph for their family to focus on. A moment of success to break through the darkness.

And Raven nodded.

Then Octavia left go.

And Raven adjusted her balance.

While Octavia held her breath in anticipation.

Raven moved the crutches out some, placing weight on both her feet.

Octavia stepped back to give her sister the room needed for her to move.

And finally they move together.

Raven moved the crutches forward and pulled her weight with her.

Octavia took a step to the side and moved to have her sister’s back.

And together they moved to their parents. Move to where their parents were still holding on to girl that was no longer sobbing. Rather the girl was watching them approach. Just as their parents were watching. They moved together, the sisters as one unit towards their family. Where they too wrapped their arms around the girl and felt as their parents moved to hold all three girls.

Because even though Tris wasn’t a Trikru-Griffin, she was a Trikru.

She was a Trikru and she was hurting.

And they were a branch of the Trikru family.

A family with open doors and open hearts.

No one knew what tomorrow would hold. Or how Tris would play a role in their life. But she was theirs and they were hers. And they would show her how family treats their own.


	20. Sometimes its a roller coaster... with happiness one moment followed by sadness then more happiness...

**~Clarke~**

Family breakfast had ended rather quickly after Charles left the house without a word, and Ryder took his family back to the Griffin house. Raven was practicing her new found mobility with Octavia trailing after her. They had disappeared to their half of the house, as Lexa and Clarke sat at the table with Tris.

Clarke gripped her phone. She knew she needed to call the social worker and put in motion the process to get Tris placed at in their home until the entire family could sit down and decide what to do with the girl.

She took Lexa’s hand and laced her fingers with theirs. “Lex,” she started. “Are you ready for this?”

Lexa nodded to her, and then refocused their attention to the teen that was sitting with across from them. She flipped the scrambled eggs around the plate, and Clarke realized that the girl hadn’t actually eaten anything.

“Tris, honey, if you don’t like eggs I can make you something else,” Clarke said.

The girl shook her head, and looked over at Clarke, “No, thank you. I am just not that hungry.”

She pushed the plate away from her after putting her fork on it. She sighed deeply and Clarke knew she was preparing for the worst. Tris looked up and spoke, “I thought…” but she stopped.

It took a minute maybe two before she tried again, “I don’t know what I thought would happen when I found him. I just hoped that maybe I wouldn’t have to go back. Maybe he would want me… I didn’t think he didn’t know. Or that I would wreck everything.”

Her eyes shifted to Lexa, “I’m sorry, Trikru. I didn’t want this.”

Lexa nodded, then took their turn to speak, “You are a surprise is all. Ryder does not blame you. I do not either.”

“You should. I ruin everything,” the girl responded.

Clarke took a deep breath and began, “We have decided that for the time being we would like you to stay with us.”

The girl’s green eyes shot over to her, and Clarke could see the spark of hope buried there. Clarke moved her free hand over to take hold of Tris’. “We don’t know how any of this will play out Tris. I need you to know that now. We want to make sure you’re safe, and we know there is no place safer than our home.”

“We have a family to think of, Tris,” Lexa stated. “We have to protect our family, so I want to you to tell me what we should expect from you before we contact DCF.”

Tris looked Lexa over, and Clarke could tell she was choosing her words carefully. Lexa, however, was impatient.

“Do you hurt yourself?”

Tris shook her head.

“Do you do drugs?”

Tris swallowed and answered, “I have smoked and I took ecstacy once but I didn’t like what it made me do.”

Lexa shook their head and stood up, They paces a few steps and ended up behind Clarke. Resting their hands on her shoulders, she could feel their stress. Clarke took Lexa’s silence for granted and she laid down the start of the ground rules.

“There will be no drugs used by you unless it is a prescription and even then it will be regulated,” she stated, reaching up to hold on to Lexa’s hand. “This is non-negotiable.”

Tris nodded, but Clarke needed to make sure she was fully understood. “This is not to be taken lightly. This is the house rule and it will not be broken.”

“I understand,” then the teen asked, “May I know the other rules as well… please?”

Lexa huffed lightly, “No sneaking out and no boys in your room. You are not to go out without us knowing where you will be and who you will be with.”

“No parties unless it is discussed before hand and one of our girls are with you,” Clarke added.

Tris nodded, before contributing, “I only went to the parties that I knew Octavia would be at.”

“I want the story,” Lexa stated, returning to their seat.

Tris’ head tilted to the side and she looked over Lexa in confusion.

“Your story.”

The teen’s eyes moved down. Clarke knew that Lexa normally handled these situations with their girls with more finesse.

Lexa looked to her and she urged them on with a gentle squeeze of their hand and a nod in the teen’s direction. With their own sigh, they tried again, “Part of living here includes honesty. We need to know what we are getting ourselves into so that we can help you. Its clear that you are hurting.”

Then they waited.

They waited so long that the baby monitor alerted them to Levi waking. Clarke excused herself, keeping good on the promise that Lexa would have no diapers to contend with.

The nursery was bright and Clarke took a moment to appreciate the magical realm she had created for Levi. The circular crib in the center of the room, made her smile. She moved forward to peak in.

Levi’s bluish green eyes stared up at her. Their little hands waved in the air as their legs kicked out, clearly eager to see her. She reached in and rubbed their little belly.

“Hey Peanut,” she said with a smile. “You are happy aren’t you?”

Their legs kicked out again, and spit dribbled from a corner of their mouth.

“You really are the cutest little human alive,” she said as she slid her hands their shoulders and behind their head. She raised them up and pressed her lips to their tiny tummy to blow a soft raspberry.

Once the baby was kicking and cooing, she moved them to the changing table and made quick work of Lexa’s hated task. While Levi was occupied with the swaying toys above them, she wrapped the fabric around her, and then gathered her child in her arm, finalizing the wrap around them both. Levi’s mouth moved against her chest, and she huffed lightly.

She really hated this part, but she knew it was important. She shifted the nursing tank’s clip out and exposed herself to the infant. As they latched, she was amazed at Levi’s determined focus.

Once Levi was set, she moved back to the living room, and found that Tris and Lexa were still seated at the table in silence. She took her prior seat, and settled in to wait.

Lucky for her, Tris had grown tired of waiting, or she found her words; either way she started to speak.

**~Tris~**

The wooden chair was making her ass go numb. She wanted to leave the table not talk about her life. No one really wanted to know about her. No one really cared to know.

In fact it would be easier if no one knew. If they don’t know, then they won’t try to help. If they don’t try to help, then it won’t hurt so much when they give up. But they were still sitting there. Even after Clarke had left, Lexa had stayed just watching her.

They were waiting for her. She wondered how long it would take for them to give up. But they didn’t move. They just sat still and waited. Even as they listened to Clarke talking and blowing rasberries to Levi’s belly.

When Clarke returned, she knew she had to make a choice. She could play their game by their rules, or she could kiss this chance goodbye. She wanted this chance though. She wanted it so badly that she didn’t know how to even start. Does she start with the first time she was hurt? Does she talk about her mom dying? Or does she start with trying to track them down?

She decided to start with her mom, because really that was where who she was now began.

“My mom died,” she almost whispered so quietly that she would have had to say it again. But once the first words were out the rest fell easily.

“She died the day she had had enough. We were supposed to be leaving. I had gone to pack my stuff when my father came home.”

It was quiet again because she had to get it together. She had to tell them her story. She had to do it and show them she was strong. That they wouldn’t have to worry about her, and that they could trust her to be in their home. With their family.

_Maybe they could be my family… if I’m honest._

“You know sometimes when you tell your story it helps,” Clarke said. “It’s like letting it out. When you hold things it eats at you.”

Tris nodded, and then continued, “I tried to stop him from hitting her. He had hit her and me for as long as I can remember… I have a lot of scars on my back. They are from when he was really angry and I was bad… or when Mom was bad. He would put his cigarettes out on me to make her and me be good.”

She heard Lexa’s chair groan and when she looked at them, their face was hard and eyes angry.

“I just don’t want you to think that I did it to myself if you see it. I don’t hurt myself,” she tells them, hoping that they can relax. But they don’t.

Tris twisted her hands together under the table. She was hoping that Lexa wasn’t angry with her. She couldn’t tell what to think of them yet.

“He shot her after he locked me in the closet. I don’t know how long I was there. I didn’t even know who was shot when the gun went off. But it went off twice. It went off twice because he killed himself afterwards,” she explained. Her voice was cracking slightly, but she kept going. “I was ten. I remember the social workers and the cops. I remember the nice family that they put me with. But they returned me. They returned me because I had bad dreams and I wet the bed. I didn’t mean to and I promise I have fixed that. I don’t need anyone to help me in my bad dreams anymore and I don’t wet the bed.”

Her speak was growing erratic and fast, because she wanted to reassure them that she wasn’t messed up anymore.

“I get scared when people move fast but I can adjust to it, if you give me a chance. I can fix it all if you give me chance. I have never been in a fight.”

“You attacked Octavia,” Lexa stated.

“And she kicked my ass. But I didn’t mean to… She said I was weak,” Tris explained. “He always said I was weak and that he would make me stronger. It hurt and I made a really bad choice but I won’t ever do it again. I can handle anything she says to me. I know she doesn’t like me.”

The room is silent for a minute, but then she said, “I can stay away from her. I can eat in the boys room, and I can sleep on the floor in the office if the boys come home… I can be invisible.”

**~Lexa~**

Lexa’s body tensed when they heard their niece explain how her father abused her. It made their stomach twist and their esophagus fight to keep their breakfast down.

_How could anyone do that to their child?_

They thought they had been prepared for Tris to tell them her story. But realistically, no one is ever prepared for a kid like Tris, or Octavia, or Raven, or even themself to share their past. Pasts that good parents protected their children from.

Levi was shifting and kicking under the wrap, and they motioned for Clarke to hand them their baby.

The blonde understood and put herself away before pulling off the wrap and handing over the baby to Lexa. They placed the infant on their shoulder and patted their back to help move their gas.

They patted as the teen told them she had never been in a fight and they couldn’t resist the instinct to call her out on the lie. “You attacked Octavia.”

The teen hadn’t even hesitated confessing the attempt to charge Octavia and explaining the reason behind her actions. They seemed legit but Lexa didn’t know if they could trust her.

_She has lied to us all a lot in the last day._

“…stay away from her. I can eat in the boys room, and I can sleep on the floor…”

Lexa was trying to process what she was saying. Her pleading for a chance was hitting home again and again. Because they could remember moving from couch to couch, and when there were not anymore couches, they would find a floor.

Two years of floors and hiding in closets.

Two years of eating stolen meals in friends bedrooms and hiding in closets.

“I can be invisible.”

Lexa heard the baby belch and then felt the dribble of regurgited milk slide down their shoulder over their shoulder blade. Their lips curled in slight snarl, as they huffed out a breath of disgust. They missed Tris’s wide eyes, as they turned to Clarke.

She was laughing at them silently. Her chest shaking as she held her breath and clenched her eyes shut. Then abruptly the woman snorted, and waved their hand in the air, “I did the diaper. That was the deal.”

“They puked on me,” they say holding the infant towards their wife. Clarke reached forward to take the baby, but Octavia swooped into the room and grabbed hold of her sibling before the blonde could.

“I’ll take them,” she said wiggling her nose against the baby’s nose. “Hello, bug.”

Lexa moved from the table and toward the kitchen sink. They tried to wipe away the spit-up but they couldn’t effectively reach it. “Clarke, help please.”

But the blonde was just laughing harder, bent over in her chair as they struggled to wipe themselves clean.

Then there was a hand on them, and they turned to see the youngest girl taking the damp paper towel from their hand and wiping up the mess on their shoulder. When she was done, she threw away the towel and moved to return to her seat, but she was stopped when Octavia shook her head.

Octavia’s voice was smooth, and she stated, “No more sitting at the table, come with me.”

Tris looked back at Lexa, who cast a suspious eye over their daughter, “What’s going on, O?”

The teen just smiled, and said, “You’ll see.”

She turned and made her way back down the hall. Tris was still looking at Lexa for approval, and they shrugged, “As long as it doesn’t involve diapers or vomit.”

And the girl smiled at them. It was a small smile but it was a smile nonetheless and Lexa smiled back.

Clarke was up out of her seat, and talking as she moved after her daughter, “Well, let’s see what our girls did.”

They followed their wife and the teen trailed behind them towards the last bedroom where Octavia was waiting on them. She was standing beside the door and motioned for them all to go into the room. The first thing they saw was Raven standing on her crutches. The next thing they notice was the blank slate of the room.

“What’s going on?” they asked.

Octavia made her way into the room and sat on the small desk.

“Well, since she is staying for awhile she needed a room. Bell is at school and being a dick so he is not allowed to have a room if he is going to break my sister’s heart and ignore my messages. And Lincoln doesn’t mind the floor of my room-“ then quickly, “Or the guest house, Nontu.”

“No boys in your room,” Lexa stated again.

Octavia huffed, and then looked at Tris. “We have family dinner, no one eats in their room when everyone else is at the table and you are not invisible.”

Lexa couldn’t help their sense of pride that filled them at their girl’s grand gesture. Turning to Clarke, who was busy hugging the older girl, they stated, “Clarke, you need to call Cottonwood and get everything settles. Seems like we are all in agreement.”

Octavia pointed to the drawers, “I put some of the clothes that don’t fit me anymore in there, whatever you don’t like you can toss in the bag in the laundry room. Also, Raven said that she and you could go through her stuff later too since you are more her size.”

**~Tris~**

Her eyes wandered over the now bare walls of the room she had slept in the night before. Lexa and Octavia had removed the extra bed after the big reveal had taken place. She didn’t know what to do so she had just remained in the room.

_My room._

It was surreal. She had not had a room that was hers since… since that day.

So now she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know if she should even try to think of this place as hers. There was a soft rap on her door, and she turned to see Octavia with Levi in her arms.

“May I come in?”

Tris nodded because she wasn’t sure if she could really say no. It wasn’t her house after all.

Octavia moved into the room and sat down in the desk chair. She swiveled lightly side-to-side to keep the baby happy. Tris scooted back on the bed as the teen swayed and the baby kicked out happily.

The baby was adorable and Tris really wanted to hold them. She had never held a baby before, but she didn’t have the courage to ask. She was a stranger still and didn’t want to upset anyone, if they were uncomfortable with her touching the infant.

“I wanted to get out shit aired so we can move on,” Octavia stated. “We are going to be living together so I need to know why you tried to attack me.”

Tris swallowed and pulled her knees up to her chest. She had already told this story once today and wasn’t eager to do it again. But the teen was there and she was waiting just as Lexa had.

“You called me weak, and it was something my dad use to say to me before he hurt me,” she answered quickly.

Octavia chewed on the skin within her cheek, and her eyes were locked on the baby’s little face.

Slowly, she asked, “How did you know all of my triggers?”

“Monroe.”

“You made out with my best friend to manipulate her into telling you about my tortured past?” Octavia asked, her eyes only shifting to see her.

Tris nodded.

“Are you gay?”

Tris shrugged.

“You are a Trikru.”

Tris’s eyebrows scrunched. _What was that suppose to mean?_

Octavia laughed this time, and the sound made Levi kick eagerly with a little squeal. Tris looked at the baby. She really wanted to hold the baby.

“Trikru’s all speak with non-verbal gestures. Its weird but Uncle Ryder and Nontu do it all the time,” Octavia explained.

“Are we okay?” Tris asked, and Octavia nodded. The action made her laugh a little. _She’s a Trikru too._

“So we are like cousin’s sort of, but in this house blood doesn’t mean much, because this little person is kind of my cousin too.”

Tris bit her lip and then asked, “Is Levi a girl or a boy?”

“Neither,” Octavia answered easily.

Tris shifted a little and moved closer to look at the baby. It didn’t look different from any other baby she had seen before.

_How can a baby not be a girl or a boy?_

Octavia studied the curious expression on the girl’s face. Then slowly she moved to hand Levi over to the girl. Tris jumped back though. Waving a hand towards the baby, she said, “No, it’s okay.”

“Have you never held a baby before?”

Tris shook her head and then let is hang down in shame. She knew she was odd and the more that Octavia spoke with her the more she showed just how pathetic she was.

She felt the bed dip though and Octavia was seated next to her, still holding out the long but tiny, squirming human. “Well you have to learn if you’re going to live here. Nontu hates diapers so you might as well learn how to do that too. Then you can fight for the daughter of the year award.”

“There’s an award?” but the teen just laughed at her, and placed the infant in her lap. She felt the slight weight and looked into their little face.

“See not so hard,” Octavia said, but Tris could tell that she was studying her carefully. She was watching her to make sure she meant Levi no harm. And she realized that this may very well be a test.

Tris swallowed and placed a finger in the little hand and felt the tiny finger lock down around the digit. “What do you mean not a girl or a boy?”

Octavia shrugged, and started to explain, “They have female anatomy like Lexa does. But Lexa does associate with either gender. The label is called genderqueer or non-binary. But we just call them Nontu and this little bug is Levi.”

“How can you not feel your gender?” Tris asked, wanting to understand.

Octavia shrugged again. “I don’t know but Nontu doesn’t and it was a big deal. So big that they ran away when they were a teenager.” Carefully, she added, “We all have horror stories. We don’t dwell there though.”

“Why don’t you call Levi a girl if she is a girl?” Tris wanted to understand but it just didn’t make sense to her. Hopefully the older girl could help her.

“Its important to Nontu. And Mom supports Nontu in a way that many would reject them. They want Levi to decide for themself who they are. Doesn’t want to program them to think one way so if they decide they want to be a they and them or a he and him, then they don’t have to struggle like they did.”

Tris chewed on this information, and then asked, “But doesn’t it do the same thing. I mean teach them to be they and them, meaning if they decide to be she and her they will struggle to come to terms with it same as choosing another label?”

Their conversation is broken by Lexa, “Honestly, we didn’t really think about it like that.” Tris looked up immediately and tried to hand the baby back to Octavia, who just laughed not making a move to take them.

“You’re fine, kid. And I am glad you feel comfortable enough to ask these questions,” Lexa stated. “I actually didn’t make the decision about they and them. Clarke did.”

Tris was confused then. Struggling to understand why Clarke would do something like that. But she moved to put the baby back in her lap. They cooed and kicked at her and it was impossible not to adore.

“I think she wanted them to identify with me since I am not their biological parent. She is pretty amazing like that. Accepting everyone for who they are.”

Lexa moved and took their place in the chair. Tris could tell they were a little awkward and it made her feel a little better, because she was award. And maybe it was a family trait or something.

“So I have a surprise for your mom,” Lexa stated. This drew the attention of both girls. “But first, O, let’s get our pictures so that then she will be distracted by her present so much to be angry at us.”

Octavia seemed to bounce in excitement. Tris smiled at her excitement, but was startled when the teen jumped off the bed and ran from the room. Instinctively, Tris hunched over and shielded her arms around herself and Levi. She realized too late what she had done. Her head down and arms locked over her knees so any assault would strike her back and not the tiny human in her lap.

“You tried to protect my child,” Lexa stated when she shakily rose from her position.

Tris’s eyes shifted and she picked up the baby to hand them to Lexa. Her hands shook in fear because Lexa knew and they may not want her now, just like the others.

Lexa took the baby from her, and then took her hand. “Thank you for trying to protect my child.” Tris nodded silently, her insides still shaking. “O and I practice self-defense a few evenings a week. I would like you to join us.”

“I don’t know if that would be a good idea,” Tris stated, afraid to show more of her crazy.

Lexa smiled, “I wasn’t asking. I think it would be good for you.”

Tris clutched her knees to her chest. She couldn’t imagine hurting one of them, nor could she imagine what it would do if one of them tried to hurt her.

_I don’t want to pee the bed again._

Before she could argue though, she heard Raven’s crutches coming down the hall and then both girls broke through the doorway. Raven plopped down ungracefully on the bed next to her.

“This is going to be great. Mom is going to lose her shit when she sees this,” Raven said, nudging Tris lightly.

She swallowed the lump in her throat and fought the urge to beg them all to leave. She didn’t want to anger the blonde. And she didn’t want to get blamed for whatever these three were about to do.

But Lexa must have felt her uneasiness about it, because they said, “Don’t worry when we get caught we’ll blame it on O.”

“Hey!” the aqua-eyed girl said, but Raven placed a hand over her mouth and pulled her back into her.

“Shhh, or she’ll come to see what’s wrong with her wittle babie,” Raven said, but then howled, “Ow! Your rabid child bit me, Nontu.”

“Both of you shut-up before we fucking get caught,” they growled. Tris was shocked by the swear word leaving their lips. She had heard everyone in the house swear, but Lexa had always been so reserved.

Raven’s voice was quieter, when she tried again, “She bit me and you don’t even care because she is your favorite.”

No one paid her any attention though, because Lexa was holding the baby’s head still, while Octavia had uncapped the eyeliner pencil and was carefully drawing a thick black line over each of Levi’s eyes.

Tris covered her mouth to keep from laughing as Levi’s faced scrunched and expanded. Once Octavia was done, she pulled out an iphone and started snapping pictures each time Levi’s face shifted into a new hilarious expression. Tris understood now why babies didn’t have eyebrows. No one would ever get anything done if babies were always making such ridiculous faces all the time.

“It’s too quiet back here. What is going on?” Clarke’s voice called from hallway. They could hear her footsteps as she approached. Lexa quickly handed Octavia the baby and moved through the door to distract the blonde.

Tris could hear them trying desperately to stop her, “We were just visitng with Tris, making sure she was comfortable.”

But then, “Lexi, I know you must be up to something, otherwise why would you be blocking my way.”

“Prisa, you are just so beautiful. I want you all to myself,” they said and then Tris was sure she heard Clarke’s body hit the wall. It shook her to the core.

_Their hurting her._

She crunched up into a ball trying to disappear. Disappear because it was all happening again. She was so stupid to think that things should be different.

“Lexa Trikru-Griffin, you are not the commander right now, so get the fuck out of my way,” the blonde’s voice growled and echoed down the hall.

Raven was leaning over Tris then, hissing at Octavia, “Get it off their face. They already pissed her off.”

“I’m trying,” Octavia said licking her finger and rubbing it across the baby’s forehead. But that only irritated the kid and smeared the make up. “it’s not coming off.”

“Did you use water proof shit, you dumbass?” Raven asked.

But it was too late, because Clarke was standing in the doorway and Lexa was trailing as though they were on a leash behind them. They mouthed to the teens, “I tried.”

“What are you doing to my peanut, Octavia Aurora Blake Trikru-Griffin?” Octavia’s face dropped at Clarke’s use of her whole name as she raised up Levi’s body to hand to Clarke.

Clarke took her baby, and was immediately fuming red. Her mouth opened and closed. Tris closed her eyes and buried her face into her lap. Her heart beat so fast that she couldn’t hear the words that Clarke was yelling. But then there were hands on her, and she was struggling to push them off. She was trying to keep them from hurting her.

“Tris,” Lexa’s voice broke through. “Tris, you’re safe. It’s okay. Clarke is not really angry and she is not going to hurt you.”

She tried to get it together but her whole body shook. Shook and she couldn’t catch her breath, but then Lexa’s arms were around her and they were shushing her and telling her that she was safe over and over again.

Slowly she peaked out from over her knees and Clarke was at her side. Raven on the floor and Octavia in the doorway with the baby. Clarke’s hand reached over to her, but Tris flinched when she saw it. She flinched even though she knew that Clarke wasn’t trying to hurt her. But she was scared.

The blonde pulled her hand back and whispered, “I’m sorry. I am irritated at my daughter and my partner but I would never try and hurt them. I will be more careful about raising my voice.”

Tris whispered, “I’m sorry. I’m fucked up. I understand if your don’t want me.”

Lexa’s pulled her in tighter, and they stated, “You’re family, Tris. You are not going back to foster care.”

**~Clarke~**

It took them about a half hour to get Tris fully calmed down. Clarke felt an ache in her heart that she had caused the girl to practically black out in panic. This was something new for her to adjust to. She would have to learn to be more controlled.

Lexa was in the front yard with all the girls when Clarke heard the beep of a car locking and unlocking. She was in the nursery with baby wipes, trying to get Levi’s face clean. She was pissed that they drew on her baby’s face, but it was pretty funny. She could definitely see hanging some of the photos that Octavia had shown her in the house.

Another beep pulled her from her imaginings, and she glanced over Levi with a satisfied gaze. “You are one handsome little peanut.” And she gripped the tiny feet that kicked the air as they gurgled out a spit bubble.

_Who knew a spit bubble could be so fucking cute?_

The beeping continued, so Clarke wrapped her little bit to her chest and moved to the yard. Immediately she noticed the large Chevy truck that was parked in front of the house. Raven was leaning over the hood and kissing the car, like she was in love with the metal.

“I know it’s not the 43, Ray, but we wanted something that could mobilize you now. I promise our future holds the 43, but can you handle and already built-“

“You have got to be shitting me, Nontu. You got me a 54 Chevy 3100 with a hydramatic transmission. These things are like impossible to find.”

“Nothing’s impossible for your nontu,” Clarke said saddling up to them. “You couldn’t wait for me?”

 Lexa smiled and then pointed to where Clarke had not seen yet. In the drive way, a large blue Audi SUV sat with a large green bow atop it. Clarke looked back at Lexa and they shrugged, and gestured to the car.

“You said on our first date to McDonalds that your dream car was an Audi. I figured with our growing family, we would need to upgrade anyways, but it's the newest model-“ and Clarke cut them off by pressing her lips to theirs.

When she pulled back, she whispered, “You bought me a new car.”

“And not an electric death trap,” they said holding up one finger.

Octavia was yelling then, “Mom! Mom! Look they got me one too!”

Clarke looked past her new SUV and saw Octavia gesturing to something. “Come on, Mom. Come see. Nontu bought me a car too!”

Turning back to Lexa, Clarke said, “I thought they were going to share?”

“I couldn’t get one a car and not the other, Clarke. I would never hear the end of Raven being my favorite again,” they said and gestured to the other teen that was motioning Tris over to help her get the hood up to check out the engine.

“Mom!” the younger girl called again, jumping where she stood.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m coming, O!” Clarke huffed and pulled out of Lexa’s arms. She moved around her pretty new car, only to see a large Wrangler Jeep parked on the other side.

“Its like the one Angelina Jolie drove in Tomb Raider, Mom!” Octavia exclaimed. “She pointed to the top, “And look it has roll bars so I am safe. I am high and safe, Mom!”

A smile spread across her face, and she could see how excited the teen was about her new ride. “That’s great baby!”

She felt Lexa’s arm wrap around her, and she pressed into their side. Then she looked up, at them. Their eyes were watching the teen traveling around the car and then standing on the edge of the side steps and bouncing her weight. They were clearly proud of their purchases, and their stance read it all.

Clarke glanced back at Octavia to see the Alexi had made her way over and Octavia was lifting her little cousin up into the passenger’s seat. “Don’t step on the seat,” Octavia said to the girl, before running to the other side of the car.  

Clarke had always been the person that spent money. Lexa was a saver, never spending money unless they had too or it was for the house. But Clarke could tell they had planned this. However, she knew that cars were expensive. So she asked, “Lex, we can afford this right?”

Lexa was watch Octavia crawl into the drives seat and pull out her phone to take a selfie of herself and Alexi.

A brief flash of sadness wiped over their face, when they said, “My dad helped with the military discount for the Audi, and the Jeep is actually an military vehicle refitted. The Chevy was surprisingly not pricey. I used the money that have saved since you paid off the mortgage and my car. I know you didn’t think I knew but I do check the account to make sure we have enough money when I want to buy something.”

Clarke looked up at Lexa trying to gauge if they were angry with her for not telling them about paying off all the major expenses. Her voice was so quiet the girl would never hear her.

“It was incase something happened to me. I used some of the money from my Dad’s insurance policy that I have invested. I paid off the house and your Audi. The girls and Levi also each have a college fund that will cover their expenses for any university they want to go to, but since they chose ASU, I know that they will be set for graduate school too. If they get scholarships, the funds are turned into trusts that they can withdraw from when they turn 25.”

Lexa’s face was slightly baffled. They had never talked about how much money Clarke was actually worth. Lexa knew of the book money, and that she had some insurance funds, but they had never taken into account how smart Clarke was with money.

“Why didn’t you tell me, Clarke,” they asked, and she felt guilty for keeping it from them. She hadn’t wanted them to think that something was wrong, though. “I just wanted to make sure you all were taken care of if… well fuck shit did happen. And it could have been a lot worse. And I just…”

Tears were falling from her eyes, but Lexa was kissing them away, “It’s okay, Prisa. You’re all safe and Levi is healthy, and now we are safer in the transportation department.”

She clung to them, but Levi kicked at both of them, reminding them that they were there and did not appreciate being smooshed.

“Sorry peanut,” Clarke whispered and angled her body so that Levi was free from Lexa’s body. Her eyes turned up, and she looked into the green irises so filled with love. “I love you, Commander.”

Lexa’s lips met hers then, and the kiss deepened. Lexa’s tongue begging for entrance, which Clarke granted to them. And she realized that even though Lexa had tortured her that morning, tonight she would let them own her.

_Yeah, they earned it._


	21. The path of the coaster is about the choice one makes...

**~Raven~**

Dinner was going to be take out, primarily because everyone wanted to drive their new car.  The family was to come over again, including Indra and Lincoln. The person that had failed to respond to the invite was Charles.

It didn’t take long for the jobs to be broken up. Octavia would take Alexi and Gustus to BestBuy to pick up any new Disney movies that had come out. They had left the earliest, since everyone knew that the kids and teen would take a long time to decide on a movie, or knowing Octavia five. Lexa and Clarke would pick up the Thai food, once Lexa managed to get Levi’s car seat installed. Raven was on ice cream duty with Tris. No one had said that Tris was going with her to help her. Everyone knew that Raven’s pride would have been hurt. They all just accepted it.

Raven was seated on the swing, waiting for Tris to go to the bathroom before they left. She watched with a smile as Lexa and Ryder examined the new car seat. The previous seat for Clarke’s car had already been installed in the Prius. Even though it was still in decent shape, if in an accident a car seat must be replaced. So that is what Lexa and Ryder were attempting to do. Attempt being the operative word there because Ryder had the seat upside down looking at the bottom while Lexa was holding up the instruction manual.

“How are there no words!” Lexa groaned loudly. “Like who the fuck installs a pinche car seat without instructors.”

Ryder grabbed the instructions from their hand and Lexa looked at him like they were about to bust open his nose. Instead though they grabbed the instructions from his hands and growled, “I can do it myself.”

Tris made it out to the porch in time to see Ryder steal the paper back and hold it in the air inches above Lexa’s head.

Raven laughed as Lexa jumped vertically, and she turned to see Tris watching intently. “You want to watch the show that will ultimately lead to Uncle Ryder on his ass with Nontu gloating or do you want to go?”

Tris turned only for a moment to look at Raven because, they both turned back to the “adults” at the cry of a grown man and Lexa’s laugh. Ryder was on his knees in the grass, while Lexa laughed holding their brother in a head lock with one arm, while trying to reach the instructions with the other.

“They are not going to hurt each other are they?” Tris asked warily.

Raven looked over the girl, but then went back because Ryder had flipped them, and was now sitting on Lexa’s hips backwards so their assaulting blows only beat down on his back.

“Get your fat ass off of me, brother, before I remove your manhood,” they said to him.

“They are just play fighting. Well its kind of real fighting and Uncle Ryder will lose because Nontu is smaller but they know how to play their big brother like a fiddle. So we can watch with family pride that we belong to them, or we can leave because I know you get uneasy around shit like this,” Raven stated.

Tris moved then and sat beside her on the swing. They sat quietly and watched as Lexa moved sharply to the side, sending Ryder forwards grasping his dick, “Ugh, I think you just crush my nuts into my stomach.”

Ryder had fallen to his side, still holding his nuts, and Lexa was brushing themself off. Once they were satisfied with being clean enough, they moved around Ryder and pulled the instructions from his hand, just as Luna stepped out on to the porch with Clarke and Levi.

Clarke smiled over to Raven and asked, “Did they kick his ass?” Raven nodded.

“Ryder, do you need to borrow one of Lexa’s cocks since they obviously broke yours,” Luna called out and Clarke laughed as Lexa shot up a panicked look.

Ryder waved to Luna, “Its okay. I’ll be… okay.”

Luna laughed and turned to Clarke, “You know they dropped him last week too.”

Raven listened to the remainder of the conversation for a few moments before turning back to Tris, “You ready?”

“Yeah,” she said, and they made their way to the car.

*****

Ice cream took no time at all and Raven learned that fucked up ice cream choice also ran in the Trikru family because just like Lexa the damn kid with her wanted pistachio almond. Who the fuck wants to eat green ice cream was beyond her, but Raven got it since she knew Lexa would pout if she didn’t.

“Raven,” Tris asked when they were stopped at a stop light.

“Sup?”

“What do I call Lexa? It feels weird calling them Trikru in the their house, but Lexa is so informal. And they are kind of my aunt or uncle but those don't work. I just want to be respectful you know?”

Raven thought about it for a minute, but then said, “Nontu. Alexi and Gussy call them Nontu also. So yep run with that one.”

Tris sat quietly for another moment and when the light turned green the truck thundered forward. “You don’t think that will upset them? I only just got here.”

“Tris, have you thought about getting a DNA test? Gram can do it in a matter of seconds and then you would know for sure… well then there would be no doubts and they can file for next of kin and keep you without the DCF causing a big fuss.”

They were just a street away, and Raven decided to take a detour. She drove past their street. And headed to the other Trikru home.

“Raven, you past the street,” Tris said softly, without looking at the older girl.

Raven waved, “I know but we need to go get someone.”

She drove the three miles and pulled before southwestern stucco home. Tris got out of the truck and pulled Raven’s crutches out from the bed and met Raven at the driver’s side. Once Raven was out of the car, she looked at the house and then back at the girl.

“I should go in alone right now. I need to talk to him first,” Raven said.

Tris looked at her and then the house, “Who?”

“Grandpa.”

**~Lexa~**

Clarke never drove them. Lexa was always the one to drive because if they were going together they would take their car. But this was Clarke’s car and it was Clarke’s big moment, so they hung onto the “oh shit” handle as the woman carefully drove to their favorite Thai restaurant.

“Lexa, I have driven a car before,” Clarke huffed in amusement.

Levi cooed from the back seat and they turned to see the kicking babe in the mirror angled at the car seat.

“They like the car,” Lexa says with a smile and turning back forward.

Clarke laughed, “What baby doesn’t like the car?”

Once the food was ascertained and Levi was triple checked in the car seat, they were back in the car and headed home.

“Clarke, can we talk about Tris?” Clarke glanced sideways, and nodded to them. “I think she is suffering from PTSD, or something like it. “

“I think so too. I was planning on making an appointment with Maya Vie. She did a lot with Octavia and Raven, and I think she may be able to help her as well,” Clarke stated.

Lexa thought about this for a moment. Counseling is definitely what the girl needs, but there were other things on Lexa’s mind.

Choosing their words carefully, they began, “We need to be careful with her, Prisa. Like with our lifestyle.”

They watched as Clarke came to understand their meaning. She swallowed, and then answered, “You’re right. We are going to have to keep the commander in the bedroom.”

“Do you think we should talk with her about it?”

Clarke laughed at the question. Her chest shook with the laugher and Levi called from the backseat in approval of the sounds coming from their mother.

“I am serious, Klark,” they stated, huffing out a breath. _She needs to take this seriously._

“I know, Lexi,” she answered, reaching over to take their hand. “I’m just amazed that my big bad Commander finally is comfortable enough o talk about sex with our girls.”

“ _Our_ girls?”

Clarke swallowed, “Well, she is ours for now.”

“Do you want to adopt her, Prisa?”

Lexa considered their own feelings about the possibility. The possibility of expanding their family once more to the found niece. They didn’t know if it would be the right thing to do. They didn’t know if denying her would be wrong  though either.

“I don’t know if we are the right family for her,” Clarke answered. “She needs us though.”

Lexa contemplated the girl’s presence in their life. She was not Raven or Octavia. But they knew that initially they had strong opinions about wanting Raven to leave when she first entered their life. She had also come under false pretenses, but they loved her so unconditionally now, and could not image their family without her.

But could it be the same with Tris.

_Nothing will be the same. She’s different and cannot be Raven or Octavia._

Lexa released the handle and wiped the clamminess from their palm.  Their jeans were soft to the touch, and they turned to gaze at their wife.

 _She is so beautiful_.

They looked over her form, and brought their hand to their mouth as they chuckled softly. They laughed because Clarke’s shirt was quickly dampening from her over filled breasts.

“Klark,” they say, trying to gather their resolve again. Clarke glanced over at them, but they couldn’t meet her eye. They couldn’t look their wife in the eye because their eyes were locked on her bosom.

Clarke let go of their hand and smacked them lightly, as she swore, “Stop staring at my fucking tits you horn dog.”

Lexa laughed again, this time looking up to see the blonde’s profile. They swallowed suddenly wishing for a drink. “Prisa, you are leaking.”

Clarke’s eyes shot down to her chest, “Fuck. Fucking breast feeding.”

“It’s okay, Prisa,” Lexa said, then added, “I would be happy to help you clean up when we get home.”

Clarke looked over and watched them raise a single eyebrow before they looked back down at her chest. Their attention was refocused again once again when their arm stung with the sharp smack from their wife again.

“Lexa, you are horrible.”

Clarke had stopped at the red light, and Lexa decided to take a moment to tease the woman. They reached over and ran their hand over the hard nipple below the wet fabric. Between their index finger and thumb they twisted slightly, and the blonde leaned back in the seat letting out a small sound of pleasure.

But then her hand was swatting at their hand, because the wet area of her shirt grew larger. “Knock it off,” she hissed, but they could only smile.

“Prisa, we both know that you don't want me to stop and they twisted a little harder. The blonde’s head fell back once again and they could see the pulse in her neck beating faster. “Commander, please. I need to get us home.”

With a gentle tug to the bud, they released and return their attention forward. “The light is green, Prisa.”

They could hear Clarke trying to catch her breath, and they smiled as they plotted how they would take their wife once they returned home and gave Abby some quality grandmother-baby time.

**~Charles~**

Charles was on his third glass of whiskey when he heard the knock that followed by his granddaughter’s voice.

“Gramps.”

Charles shifted in his chair, feeling the cracked leather under his calloused hands. He didn’t want to see his granddaughter right now. She was a reminder of the other girl. The girl he failed. He pulled glass back to his lips and took a large swallow when the girl crutched into the living room.

He closed his eyes, not wanted to see her. Not wanting to see all the pain he had caused. The unintentional consequences of his life. He squeezed the arm of the chair, and took another drink.

“You just going to drink yourself into an early grave?” the girl asked, and he could hear her crutches hitting the hard wood floor as she made her way into the room. She stopped beside him and pulled the glass from his hand.

His eyes shot open and he took in the girl as she placed the drink to her lips and threw it back. He watched as she grimaced and twisted her face as the small amount of liquid ran over her tongue and down her throat.

“That shit sucks,” she said, handing the glass back to him. She moved to the couch and flopped down ungracefully.

They both sat in silence for a few moments. He was not going to talk with her. She just needed to leave him alone. Alone to his life. Alone to wallow in his failures.

But the silence didn’t last, because the girl wasn’t here for silence. He knew that but he still didn’t have anything to say.

“So you have another granddaughter, and you’re being a dick,” she stated. Her eyes were wondering around the room and then locked on the wedding photo from last summer where all of the family was together. Well almost everyone. Tris was missing from the photo, as well as, Levi.

He swallowed gruffly and huffed out a cracked breath. But he still remained silent. Charles Trikru had been trained for an event of interrogation. However, the army did not prepare him for a toffee colored granddaughter sitting on his couch calling him a dick.

Raven huffed her own breath out, “She didn’t come to ruin your life. Just like I nor Octavia came to Mom and Nontu to ruin theirs.”

Nothing but the sounds of the house answered her.

“She probably has PTSD, freaks at fast movement and has like melt downs when someone starts yelling,” she says.

There was nothing to respond to. He watched trauma wreck a grown man trained for battle. Add that to his list of failures. He failed the little girl and now she would suffer for the rest of her life.

His fist tightened around the glass and when he heard it start to crack, he lost his composure and through the glass against the wall. The impact caused the glass to shatter and crack echoed through the darkening hallways.

Raven looked over at him, “Feel better?”

Charles ground his teeth. _No, Raven. Nothing feels better right now._

“Didn’t think so.”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. Dealing with soldiers was easier because they weren’t permitted to talk without permission. But Raven. Well Raven spoke when she felt like it, which was often.

His voice was thick and partially slurred as he asked, “Why are you hear, Ray?”

The girl waved her hands around the room, “The question is not why I am here, because that is fucking obvious. The question is why are you sitting here sulking instead of being the grandfather that O and I love? Why aren’t you fighting for your family?”

But then there was another voice, “I heard something break and I just…”

Charles looked up to see the Lexa look a like standing in the curved entry to the room. His eyes began to water from the alcohol when they locked on the girl, who was looking at Raven to make sure she was okay.

Raven waved at her, “We’re fine. I told you to wait in the car.”

“I had to make sure you were safe,” she said softly. And Charles watched the girl glance at him just for a moment before moving to leave the room.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, and brought his hands up to his face. _Fucking alcohol is making my face leak_. Not that he was crying. Generals don’t cry after all.

He heard a few steps and then felt a hand on his arm. He couldn’t move his arms yet, because the touch made his face seep more.

“Sir,” the girl said softly. “I am sorry for not being… I don’t know but I am sorry that I have caused you so much pain.”

And then he moved. He moved forward and wrapped his arms around the girl and head on her stomach. He could hear the soft gurgle of her stomach, and then felt the gentile movement as the girl placed her arms around him and held him closely.

“I lost your mother,” he said. “I lost her and never got to know her.”

Tris’ voice was soft but cracked, “She was a lot like Lexa, but not as strong.”

He pulled back, but kept his hands on her waist as he gazed up at her with glassy eyes. “I want to know you.”

Her eyes welled this time and he watched as again he caused tears to fall from her eyes. But this time, they were not flooded with pain. No her eyes were filled with hope.

“I want to know you too,” she whispered.

They shared a brief moment of just taking each other in. The moment was fleeting though because the ice cream was melting in Raven’s brand new truck.

“Okay, so that is settled. Come on Gramps. Family dinner,” Raven stated as she pulled herself up form the couch and balanced herself on her crutches.  The two didn’t look at her though, so she held up on crutch and poke the smaller teen. “Dude, let’s go.”

Tris nodded and moved to leave, but Charles pulled her in for another hug. He didn’t want to let her go. He wanted her to stay so she could tell him about her.

“Gramps, you have to come too. You need to have a sit down with Nontu and Uncle Ryder,” Raven said and his eyes looked up at the girl. “I’m not saying you apologize because you don’t have a reason to. But let them say what they have to say.”

He nodded and released the girl.

**~Lexa~**

Lexa’s lips were occupied at reaffirming the mark on Clarke’s neck as they rubbed quick circles over the woman’s clit. They hadn’t managed to remove any of her clothing, before pushing her into the wall to take her. The blonde’s hands were held above her head, by their unoccupied hand.

Her breathing heavy and heart racing, they commanded, “Do not move your hands. Understand?”

“Yes, Commander,” she breathed out harshly, chest falling frantically.

They released their grip on her wrists and smiled at the red print left from how hard they were holding her. With their now freehand, they made quick work of the latches holding the top of Clarke’s tank top up, letting her breasts free from the constraining material.

They could see the white residue beading at the tip of the hard dark nipples. They stole their eyes away from their prize for only a moment to stare hungrily at their wife. Her eyes were hooded and pleading for release.

“Please, Commander,” she begged. “I need you.”

Lexa’s smile grew to a wicked grin, and they stated, “You need what, Prisa?”

Clarke leaned down on their hand and pushed her breasts out to them.

“I need you, Commander,” her eyes black and overfilling with lust.

Lexa smiled and stood up, halting the circles. They stood tall above the blonde and gazed dominately down at her.

“Beg for me, Prisa. Beg like a wanting slut, for me to fuck you,” Lexa stated in a cool and controlled voice.

Clarke opened her mouth but then closed it. Lexa took the opportunity to pull their hand from her pants as if they cared nothing for the soft cry that the woman released. They took her wrists in their grasp again and their other hand on her hip, they pulled her from the wall and moved them both towards the bed.

Twisting around her, they pushed her face down to the bed while her ass was still in the air. They pulled her stretch pants down, revealing the pale cheeks. Without warning, their palm collapsed again her ass, and they stated, “You were already in trouble from earlier, Prisa,” and their palm met her the swell of her ass again.

“Yes, Commander,” Clarke hissed out as they landed another strike. “I have been intolerable and you have been so kind to me today.”

Lexa smiled, rubbing their palm to the other cheek, close to the apex of her cunt, and then landed another strike. This one the tip of their middle finger striking her cunt. This caused the blonde to buck, and beg, “Fuck again, Commander. Please beat my pussy.”

Lexa smiled and landed another strike. They watched Clarke spread her legs farther and tilting her ass up higher to give them better access. But this was not to get her off. No they were punishing her, so they struck higher across both cheeks three times fast.

“You are being punished , Klark, not pleasured.”

Clarke moaned and tried again, “Please, Commander, my cunt is dripping down my thighs for you because you are the only one that can take care of me. You are the only person that can fuck me senseless.”

_Snap!_

“I need you… I am your slut and I need you to fuck me,” she begged with every smack.

They stopped when they could make out their purple hand prints across her ass, and knew that sitting through dinner would be a constant reminder that she belonged to them.

Lexa helped Clarke stand and then retrieved the salve from the bedside table and worked it into the bruising flesh. Clarke still as they massaged her sore flesh, and when they were done, they sat on the bed before her. Their arms were open and their wife moved to the bed and straddled them.

Really it was the perfect position, because Clarke’s breasts fell right into their eye line. They looked up at Clarke and she pushed her chest further into their chest, and felt her grind down onto the strap they had elected to wear today.

“Please fuck me, Commander,” she begged as her hips moved back and forth on the shaft under their jeans.

They buried their face into her left breast and sucked on the nipple. Feeling the Clarke rush over their tongue. They lapped over the sensitive bud, relishing in the taste of their princess. They were so focused, they didn’t initially notice that Clarke had unfastened their pants with her nibble fingers.

But she had and she was pulling at their silicon dick, moving her drenched lips over the bottom of the shaft. They shifted their attention to the other breast, and noticed the vigorous pace that the blonde had taken to grinding against them. The base of the cock pressed against their clit and their hips jerked upward.

Latching to the leaking bud, they sucked, and moved their hands to Clarke’s bruised ass. They pulled her into them and matched her rhythm as they attempted to suck her dry.

Clarke’s hands were on either side of their head, as she moaned for more. Because they didn’t have much more to give her without going against doctor’s orders and pounding into her pussy, they added teeth to their sucking and they bite into her areola and squeezed tightly to her ass.

“Fuck, Commander, you fuck me so fucking well. Please don’t stop!”

The blonde was yelling and they were very grateful for the sound proofing of the room, as the ground harder. Their hand moved farther over and they felt the perked bud of her ass. Their index finger ran a circle around the tight muscle, and she shuttered.

They switched sides again, immediately latching to the hanging bosom in their face. Their finger increasing the speed of the circle, as Clarke shifted higher up on their cock to give them better access.

“Please, Commander fuck me… Please.” Her voice was becoming horse from begging. And Lexa smiled as they gazed another bite over her nipple.

“Fuck… please… please fill me, please,” she begged again, and they took advantage of her raised position to place their finger at just the right spot, because when the blonde’s grind descended, she impaled her own ass on the finger to their first knuckle. Gradually she shifted farther down, and quickly she was setting a new rhythm.

Clarke’s panting grew haggard as she took Lexa’s finger and she ran her body over their cock. Lexa was growing close to their edge, and just as they contemplated how to push Clarke over hers, the woman was begging.

“I need to… I need… Please, Commander,” she sobbed out, straining everything in her to fight back from falling over without permission.

Lexa’s lips released Clarke’s nipple and she fell forward to them still moving less gracefully as her body yearned to come.

“Tell me what you need, Prisa.”

Clarke gasped, “I need to come, Commander. Please Commander Lek-sa, please let me come.”

Lexa smiled, adjusted slightly and dipped another digit into her wanting ass. In the blonde’s ear, they commanded, “Come with me, Prisa.”

Clarke’s thrust increased even with the new stretch, and she cried out as she tumbled from the edge, bucking chaotically into their shaft, which Lexa matched. And they fell together, each riding out their orgasm, in the other’s arms.

That was until a voice broke through the silence as the door was thrown open. “Everyone is waiting on you all to eat.”

**~Raven~**

When they returned home with Charles, they were surprised to see every member of the family surrounding the television, engrossed in _Monster’s Inc._ except Lexa and Clarke. Raven rolled her eyes, of course they were going at it again.

_I thought that shit was supposed to die down after the first few months of dating._

But it hadn’t, and now the whole house would be waiting for them to eat. Raven had had enough drama for the day and she was hungry. Really she was on the verge of hangry, and wondered if any of these people realized how fucking tiring crutching everywhere really was.

Tris looked at her for instructions and Raven pointed to the freezer, “I’ll be right back.”

She made her way down the hall leading to her parents’ room and started to knock but heard her mother cry out, “…Commander Lek-sa, please let me come.”

Raven’s hand went up instantly to her mouth and she fought the urge to puke. _You have got to be fucking kidding me!”_

A moment later she heard the murmuring of both their release. She leaned against the wall, giving the two a moment to ride out their release. But when the room become quiet, she felt the need to make them feel just as uncomfortable as she had been a moment ago.

She reached over, and once her fingers were locked around the door knob, she closed her eyes. Turning the knob blindly, she announced, “Everyone is waiting on you all to eat.”

The sounds were completely comical, and she was grateful that she had closed her eyes, because it was clear that her parents were not clothed. She heard a thump and her mom groan in pain.

_She fell off the bed! Serves her right, I’m hungry._

Lexa’s voice came next, “Have Octavia and Tris help you get everything on plates and on the table. We’ll be out in a minute.”

Raven laughed, and said, “I’ll give you too minutes before I send Gram back here to check on you both.”

Lexa huffed, and Clarke called out, “You will do no such thing Raven Trikru-Griffin.”

Raven laughed and crutched back down the hallway, and into the living room. She noticed immediately that Charles and Ryder were outside on the porch speaking.

Tris was standing in the kitchen as far from the rest of the family as possible. Raven crutched over to the table and picked up a stuffed toy. After balancing against the couch, she tossed it at Octavia. It smacked her in the face, and her angry eyes shot up at her attacker immediately.

“Come on, let’s get dinner on the table.”

**~Tris~**

The teen sat been Octavia and Raven on one side of the table. The family was loud and so many people were talking at once. She as on sensory over load, and worried that she was going to have a melt down at the table. But Raven had an arm around her as though she was trying to ground her. And Octavia kept reaching over and touching her arm.

Tris appreciated these little acts of kindness. It had been twenty-four hours and the girl had already shown her there was so much more to life than what she had thus far experienced. The only face she was unfamiliar with was the dark skinned woman sitting one seat down from across from her. Her deep eyes were watching her carefully, and Tris did everything she could to avoid her gaze.

“So Tris, I hear they gave you my old room?”

Tris looked up to see Octavia’s boyfriend, Lincoln was speaking to her. She nodded, and then said, “I’m sorry, if you want it back-“

He waved at her though, “No, it’s all good. It’s okay because my Mom’s back,” and he reached over and placed and arm over the dark woman’s shoulders. The woman’s eyes broke from her, and to her son.

“Back?” Tris asked quietly.

“Colonel Woods returned from a tour in Syria not to long ago. Lincoln had a room here, because he stayed with us when she was overseas,” Lexa explained, passing a large bowl of Pad Thai to her. She looked at the noodles and vegetables with skepticism.

But Raven reached over and scooped some onto Tris’ plate and then her own. Taking the bowl from her hands to pass it on, she said, “It’s good, just try it. It’s Nontu’s favorite which means there’s a chance you will like it too.”

Octavia butted in though to supply the table with a bit of non-important information, “Actually taste is 100 percent acquired after birth. We learn what we like by trying things and the attitude we have when trying them. For example Levi is so excited when drinking milk that is laced with Chai Tea latte, the kid is probably going to hooked for life.”

“Hey!” Clarke yelled, and tossing a fortune cookie at her daughter.

 _Smack!_ Luna hit the table with her hand, and yelled, “No throwing food at family dinner!”

Even Raven’s arm couldn’t hold Tris in place completely. She ducked her head, but couldn’t drop from the table because of the two girl’s holding her in place. Her eyes were locked on her plate, when she heard the soft accented Latina apologize, “I’m sorry, Tris. I am just trying to maintain order in this chaos. You would swear my mother taught those Trikru’s no manners.”

Lexa threw they hands in the air though and said, “I did not throw the cookie. It was the Griffins’ that need the etiquette lesson. I know I had to sit through enough Junior League sessions to know which fork to use.”

Octavia laughed, and looked over at her mother, “Damn Mom, how did that bus feel when it just ran over your ass thanks for Nontu’s push.”

Clarke glared at Lexa and pulled her infant from their arms, “Come here, Peanut, wouldn’t want your Nontu to push you in front of a bus either.”

Charles laughed then. He laughed at the table and Tris smiled. She pulled herself together and she smiled. Smiled because this family was a mess of emotion and personality. A mess just like she was. And it was okay. It was okay because she could be a mess with them.

*****

Her feet didn’t quite reach the ground yet for the swing on the porch but she shifted her weight and enjoyed the quiet. The laughter and loudness of the Trikrus was too often overwhelming. She watched tree branches sway from side to side, and missed the subtle footsteps approaching.

A throat cleared and Tris twitched her shoulders up, trying to be a turtle. She turned to see the dark woman, Indra looking at her. The soldier approached her, and motioned to the seat, “May I join you?” Tris nodded and moved farther over to one side.

They sat in silence for a decent amount of time. Both lost in their own thoughts. But then Indra spoke quietly, “I have trouble with all of the loud noises as well.”

_She knows. That is why she was staring at me._

“I see a lot of people like us after they come home from war. My son says that you yourself have seen a war hear in Phoenix,” Indra’s rough voice stated.

Tris looked over at her through her peripheral. She took in the profile of the woman, for as she spoke she didn’t move her head. Tris contemplated the words of the warrior. Had she seen a war? What really is a war? Can a man that beats his wife and kid be a war?

Indra was quiet. Quiet like Lexa. Quiet and expectant.

Tris took a deep breath, and exhaled to calm her nerves before speaking. “I don’t think it was a war. I don’t think it had enough participants or battles to be a war,” she answered.

Indra smiled, “You are wise like Octavia. But you confuse the connotation of the word war that I refer to you. Your eyes tell me you have seen the a bloody war that rages within still.”

Tris nodded because she was right. Even though she didn’t want for the woman to be right. She still saw the small battles play out nightly, or when someone moved to fast. They would flash around her as vivid as reality and she couldn’t make sense of where she was for a moment. Just trying to protect herself from the pain he would cause.

“Trik-… Lex-… I don't know what to call them yet. They want me to train in self-defense. They think it might help me,” she said.

Indra hummed, and then said, “And you don’t think it will help.”

Tris shook her head. She didn’t say that she thought it would make it worse. She didn’t say that she was worried they would still return her to Cottonwood. She didn’t tell her that she was scared of being disowned by the only family she had left.

The woman rocked from the balls of her feet to her heels, moving them on the swing in a gentile rhythm.

“It may help because you will feel in control,” the woman stated, “But I have found meditation to be more effective myself.”

Tris’ head shot to the side, “You?”

Indra nodded, and stated, “I have seen many a war. I know the darkness in your eyes because I too have it. I can teach you mediation if you would like.”

Tris bit her lip almost raw. She didn’t understand why this woman would help her. Why she would give up her time to try and rescue her from herself. “Why?”

Indra didn’t turn, just rocked them. Carefully she stated, “I knew Raven when she was younger. I knew her before most of the terrors came to her. I didn’t help her the way I should have. I have to live with that guilt now for the rest of my days. You need help child. I have the means to help you.”

 


	22. Sometimes other people's stories let's us know we have a chance...

**~Tris~**

Sunday was a much quieter day. Tris had spent most of the day hidden with the room that had been delegated to her temporarily. Following dinner, Octavia and Raven had both retreated to their rooms for homework, and Lexa and Clarke curled up onto the couch to watch the newest episode of _Once Upon a Time._ The girl had learned that the show was the catalyst of bringing them together.

Tris hadn’t wanted to interfere with the couple’s time so she too returned down the hallway towards her room. The only problem was she had run out of things to do in the room. Homework completed earlier that day, left her sitting on the twin bed staring at the bare walls. She had been in the system long enough to know that no walls were her walls. No bed was her bed. They were temporary, so it was foolish to think about putting up a photo.

But it didn’t stop her form wondering. Wondering what this room could be if it was hers. She could keep it clean so they wouldn’t want to return her. She could use tape so that they wouldn’t be upset for pinholes in the drywall.

She pictured and refigured the imaginary photos of her and people who may be her family. However, even that became overwhelming and tiring. She didn’t have anything to keep her cognitively busy, so she decided to take a shower and leave the bathroom available in the morning for Octavia and Raven.

She gathered her clothes and the towel that had been lent to her. Unfortunately the bathroom was occupied, so the idea was abandoned. As she made her way back to the room, she couldn’t help but notice that Raven’s door was open. She tried not to look but couldn’t help but notice Raven bent over the large worktable with a screwdriver. She tried to continue on her path, but she knew that there was nothing to do.

She knocked softly on the door frame, and the older girl’s eyes glanced up at her before returning to her work. “What’s up?”

Tris shifted her weight from foot to foot. She didn’t want to impose on Raven. She didn’t want to ask the girl for anything. But she needed something to do. Like desperately needed something to do.

“I was wondering if you had… uh… if I could borrow a book or something,” she finally spit out.

Raven hummed and glanced around the room. Her eyes locked on something and she pointed towards the opposite corner of the room that was still hidden behind the wall. Tris glanced in the room, and saw the pile of books stacked on the girl’s dresser.

“Thank you,” Tris said, but then asked, “Can I… um… can I get one?”

Raven raised an eyebrow and gestured to her seated position, “I ain’t gettin’ up, so yes get it yourself.”

Tris smiled and ducked her head down. She didn’t want to intrude on the girl’s space. She made her way to the books and picked up the one on top, not even looking at the cover, and quickly tried to vacate the room.

“Do you really want to read that book?” Raven asked with a huff of laughter before Tris had a chance to leave the room. Taking a glance down at the cover, she too had to laugh. The title read, _Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance_. Yeah, she didn’t really want to read that book.

Tris turned back to Raven, and confessed, “I didn’t want to invade your space.”

Raven shifted in her chair and gestured to the bed. Tris moved as told and took a seat on the rumbled comforter.

“When a door is open in this house, it means guests are welcome. If the door is closed, then knock,” Raven stated and turned to face her in the swivel chair, setting aside the small screwdriver.

Tris looked around the room, and smiled at how Raven everything was. Softly she whispered, “Thank you for being kind.”

Raven sucked in a portion of her cheek and Tris could tell the teen was scrutinizing her. Slowly she nodded, and stated, “You’re a good kid but lost as fuck, huh?”

“I want to be found.”

“Only you can do that. Being here is not enough.”

Tris rubbed her hands on the jeans and bit her plump lit that was chapped from the amount of biting she had been doing. Her toes bounced on the round, and she shook her legs slightly nervously.

“Can you tell me what it was like…” she asked, btu knew her question was unclear. Raven just waited though for her to be more precise. “When you like came here.”

Raven smirked, and stated, “I tried to fuck, Mom.”

**~Raven~**

Raven laughed when Tris’ eyes shot up, and locked on Raven’s. She knew that the history of her presence in the family was surprising to the say the least. At times Raven still even questioned how her parents ever managed to accept her.

She pushed her way over to the bed in her desk chair, and nodded for Tris to move further onto the bed. Raven watched her awkward movements, and smiled to herself. She wondered how much of Lexa was in Tris.

Her nontu was only nine years older than she was and Raven often wondered what a young Lexa was like. She wondered if Lexa was awkward and frightened like Tris, or were they confident in their actions.

Shifting herself onto the bed, she looked at Tris, “Well you ready for story time?”

The girl nodded, and Raven closed her eyes. She wondered where to start.

“It all started because I wanted to be like Mom… no scratch that I wanted to be Mom.”

 

_She had met Finn and a year into the relationship they had developed an effective routine. Because really things when Finn were honestly usually pretty fucking good. She knew that Finn was Clarke’s, but Finn was hers too. They lived together, even though he was now living with the blonde as well._

“Wait you mean you and Griffin were sharing a man?”

Raven sucked in a breath, and nodded. She tried to shake away the tears of her choices, but stated for the girl, “I have done a lot of things I am not proud of, but its what I needed then or at least its what I thought I needed. I thought I was eighteen, turns out I was fifteen. I was dumb and a kid and I thought I was in love.”

 

_He broke her heart two years later after the blonde from the photo she had stared at nightly while she took him in every position she knew, and let him train her in the ways he enjoyed things, had seen them at the mall._

_Octavia had punched him in the face, when they were caught. They were caught and she knew that she had been the other woman. But Raven had been convinced that Finn would choose her. He would love her. Love her the way she loved him._

_But it wasn’t love. It wasn't love because Finn really didn't give a shit about her. It wasn’t love because she was a kid, stuck in a shitty situation after too many years of being hardened by hot concert of alleys and under wash bridges. Her attitude and mask of an unfazed smile were impenetrable. And that is what she took to Clarke._

_She knew where the blonde lived and she rang the bell after leaving Finn in a drunken stupor. Her palms were sweating and she was nervous as fuck. That only rose when the woman with red rimmed, glassy eyes threw open the door with nothing but a knife in her hand and a glare that told Raven she was not welcome._

_That’s the thing about being on the street though. A kid learns that no one wants them, but Raven knew that before then. She knew that she could only make something of herself for herself, because the only person that promised to care for her had just traded her in for the smaller blonde with curves and money._ _Two things Raven knew she would never have to give. She would never have anything but a sarcastic attitude and an ability to problem solve. Which in the moment turned out to be exactly what she needed._

_She had been let into the house, and with one look around her teenage dreams were blossoming before her eyes, if she could find a way to stay. But she had an advantage, she had an advantage because she knew Clarke through Finn._

_She knew that Clarke had an unnerving desire to help all hopeless causes, and what better of a hopeless cause than the woman that had been burned by the same man._

_She knew that Clarke was kind. Kind and addicted to sex._

_She knew that Clarke was submissive, because Finn was dominating._

_Raven was all that Clarke would want. She was without a place to go and heart broken. She was attractive and knew the buttons to push to turn on a woman. She could be the dominant woman._

_But she learned quickly that Clarke was not who Finn had led her to believe. Clarke was fire and fury and crushing on this incessant Internet troll. She didn’t bullshit and she was the epitome of motherhood with a snarky teen ready to slap the shit out of her if Raven hurt her mother._

 

“So Octavia was okay with you and Griffin?”

The teen had become more comfortable on the bed, and leaned against the wall almost naturally.  Raven smiled at how easily she could fit in to the family if anyone gave her the chance.

“Fuck no, I was not okay,” the other teen’s voice came in from the door. Raven hadn’t noticed that Octavia had joined them. Her hair still wet from the shower, and tank top showing more of her breasts than Raven should be comfortable with, but nothing of Octavia surprised her anymore. She strode over into the room, and pushed Raven over, until Tris was crunched into a ball at the end of the bed, and Octavia had managed to squeeze under the covers of Raven’s bed.

“Dick, you’re getting my pillow wet,” Raven said, but didn’t move to take away the pillow. Octavia crawling into bed, meant she would be sleeping there. Honestly though Raven was okay with that, because Octavia’s presence helped her sleep. Helped her feel more secure in her limited mobility.

“Are you going to finish your story, or should I tell her about how I walked in on you in bed naked with Mom and how I threatened you later.”

Raven waved at her, and then looked at Tris, “She’s a faker. She told Mom she was totally cool with us hooking up, but really it pissed her off, because Mom had a pattern of using sex to feel her own value. I tried to capitalize on it, and O handed me my ass and the spare room, without Mom’s knowledge.”

“I thought Nontu was going to gut you though after that weekend,” Octavia stated, as Raven ran her fingers over Octavia’s back. "Remember the look on their face when I was standing in the doorway holding Mom's chonies?"

 

_Lexa had been more tricky. They were head over heels for Clarke but their need for security was threatened by Raven’s presence. Clarke wanted Lexa. There was no doubt even after she lay shattered by the knowledge that Lexa the Troll was Alex Trikru. But Lexa wasn't sure how to be apart of a family, let alone share that with the girl that had tried to seduce the woman of their dreams. But Lexa came around, slowly, but the came around._

_The acclamation to a two-parent household was an adjustment, especially when Raven knew that Lexa had no interest in her joining their family. That they would have preferred nothing more than for Raven to disappear from their house and their life._

Tris interrupted her, “What changed?” The question was an honest one and Raven could see the fear in the girl’s eyes. She remembered feeling that uneasy. Octavia glanced over a the girl but twisted back so that Raven would continue touching her back. 

“Gram,” Octavia whispered.

“Gram,” Raven echoed.

 

_Abby’s arrival had shook the house in a way no one knew was possible. They saw Clarke’s first indication of the reality that the blonde held grudges. They also learned that Lexa was there in the house with every intention of locking Clarke down with the diamond ring and babies and the whole deal._

_With Abby came the throw down and that ended with Abby in the hospital and Lexa having a meltdown at the thought of losing Clarke to a car accident. The irony of the circle is kind of amusing now, but it was what made Lexa and Clarke both announce that they loved her, though they didn't know why. That they wanted to adopt her even though they all believed her to be an adult. To keep her forever and make her know that she was not alone._

.

Tris’s eyes followed the path of her hand over Octavia’s back. At least that’s what she thought she was seeing, so she made some dramatic sweeps to see if it was the case. Octavia’s laughter and wiggling form pulled the hypnotized outsider from following the connection between the two sisters. 

She weighted on what to do. Leave the teen at the base of the bed or invite her to be one of them. Invite her to be a part of their comfort zone that they had developed when Lexa had thought they lost Clarke to an accident. When they cuddled into a bed together holding on to each outer because they both knew that life was fragile and they could be thrown back into the pits of hell without the blue eyed teacher that gave them a home. 

She shifted in her seat, making sure the full bed could accommodate the other girl. Octavia twisted and put her wet head on her lap, as Raven patted the empty space available.

Tris’ eyes looked at her and then the spot that Raven was telling her to move to. But she didn't move. Instead her body tensed, and Raven could tell that she was trying again to be small and invisible, even though they were here right now for her. “Move here so I can rub your back too. I know you want to,” Raven stated.

Tris eyed her again, and Octavia huffed out a breath of exasperation, as the younger girl said, “I’m okay.”

Raven could tell that Tris' uneasiness made Octavia irritated. She wondered if it was a reflection of all the times she had denied comfort because she didn't want to let anyone close to her. “Dude, you have to lighten the fuck up,” Octavia said sitting up. “Ray is like rarely touchy feely with anyone but me, so when she is offering a back rub, take it because the only person that gives them better is Gram. And that's a much harder nut to crack. Gram seriously has the toughest shell of any human being ever met.”

Tris swallowed, "She is pretty stoney."

"Stoney," Octavia tried the word out, and then turned to Raven, "That is like a really good description of Gram when she is not sure if she likes you." Raven thought it over and nodded in agreement. 

"So you going to move up here or you going to try and hide from wanting these?" Raven wiggled her fingers in the air. Tris moved then, and Raven looked at Octavia. They shared a silent discussion that entailed they had their work cut out for themselves trying to get Tris to fit within their overly comfortable lifestyle.

The bed shifted as Tris attempted to move up the bed, losing her balance at one point though and flopping into the crack of the bed and next to the wall. She had to twist and wiggle to free herself before she could position herself in an area that made her comfortable. Once the girl was settled with her head on the other pillow, brown curls spilling out all over. Carefully, Raven ran her fingers over her upper back, and Octavia nuzzled into her lap farther, fighting for her own attention.

“How’s it going?” Clarke asked from the doorway. Raven looked up to see her mother standing with her nontu’s arms wrapped tightly just below Clarke’s breasts and their head resting against hers.  

Raven smiled, and answered, “Just telling bedtime stories of how Nontu and you decided you want me.”

“Where you at in the story?” Clarke asked.

Raven looked down at her lap, still ashamed of the next part of the story. She swallowed harshly, and she fought back her own emotions. This part of her story was the hardest, because it meant acknowledging the missing person from her life. The person that begged to make something of them and then vanished as though she never mattered to him. “Bellamy.”

Lexa was the one to speak, “You deserve better than how either of them treated you.” Raven nodded her head once and continued, the part of the story they all remember too well.

_But Finn came back. He came back into Clarke’s life just as the family was starting to feel unbreakable. He had come back the day after she had put up a poster in the room. A week after she had folded her clothes into the drawers of the dresser, and she had thought of it as her room._

_But Finn came back for Clarke. He came back into Clarke’s life and his presence reminded her that she was an intruder and she had lied to get here. She had lied to get them to accept her and they were going to ask her to leave when they knew. So she told the blonde that had signed the adoption forms. She told her that she had known the whole time. And then she did what she did best. She ran. She ran to Bellamy and fell onto his dick so he would not ask her any questions._

They all just sat in silence. Raven didn’t want to continue the story, even though the moment was the solidification of Lexa and Clarke’s desire to give her a home. Give her something she had only ever heard of in movies and the lives of other people. She took in a few deep breathes, and proceeded.

“I went to the one place I thought no one ould ever look for me. I didn’t really think they would try, since I believed that I had ruined Mom’s life and she hated me. But I just figured no one would expect me to go to Bell’s place. They did though. They came to find me because they tracked my phone and they came to bring me home.”

She looked up at her parents and they both were looking at her with equal faces of memory and gratitude that she had come home with them. She opened her mouth, but her voice faded momentarily. It took her a few moments to find it again, and she said, “I never thanked you. I never thanked you for coming to get me…” this was hard. This public declaration of what she did and the pain she had caused.

“You are ours, Ray,” Lexa stated pulling Clarke into them tighter. “We’re your parents and it was our responsibility to go get you because we love you.”

Raven looked them over. She loved them too. Inexplicably, she was in love with them the way only a daughter can love her parents. “I still want you to know that I am so grateful you came to get me that night. That you came to tell me I had a home no matter where I had come from. That you would let me come home.”

She wanted to get up out of the bed. She wanted to get up so she could walk over to her parents and be sandwiched between them. Sandwiched in a family hug, like the first time Lexa welcomed her into their embrace.

But she couldn’t move from the bed. Not without help or Octavia moving. So she just had to sit there. She had to sit there and just try and prove to them her love by the way she looked at them.

“You will always have a home with us, baby,” the blonde said, and moved into the room. She pulled Raven’s head forward when she got close enough and kissed her. Raven breathed in the vanilla spices of Clarke’s perfume that barely lingered on her. It was the smell of her mother, not the mother that gave birth to her but the one that loved her unconditionally.

Clarke’s fingers traced over Octavia’s face and she kissed the brunette’s head and the girl wrapped her arms around Clarke. When Clarke reached over for Tris they discovered that the girl was fast asleep. Her breathing falling easily, and her face relaxed in soft contentment.

No one was certain about how to handle the sleeping teen. The blonde looked back at Lexa, who moved in to help move the girl, but Raven waved them away. They looked at her questioningly, and she shrugged, “We were having a sleep over anyways.” Her parents looked at sleeping teen, and then to Octavia. Raven was quiet, but stated what they all knew, "You can't send her back. She's one of us. Rough around the edges but one of us still."

Clarke smiled and looked to Lexa. Raven watched the look of adoration shared between the two of them, and she envied their happiness. They weren’t perfect and they both had their eccentricities, but they worked so seamlessly together that it made Raven consider this type of life was possible for even someone like her.

**~Tris~**

Monday morning the girls rushed about the house, the most eager to leave being Raven as she beat against the shared bathroom door for Octavia to hurry the fuck up. It’s not like you’re wearing many clothes anyways.”

Tris stood by the door bouncing in need of going pee. When Raven finally exited, she had just laughed at her though and told her that there was a front bathroom she could have used. But Tris hadn’t gone anywhere beyond the communal rooms when the family was present. When they vacated those rooms, she went to hide within her own.

Once done in the bathroom, Tris lingered in the kitchen entry way a little uneasy about the movement around the kitchen and flying packaged food and fruit that was tossed between Clarke and the girls as they put their lunches in their bags and in the bag that Tris assumed must be for her. She had never had a backpack before. As she watched, she learned that the Trikru-Griffin’s had a routine for the morning and the young outsider didn’t know how to participate.

Clarke motioned for the girl to sit at the table, as Octavia practically dumped a bowl of cereal all over the girl’s hand-me-down clothes when she set it roughly before her. Milk sloshed over the edge of the green bowl and the teen looked at the bowl in confusion as to how she was supposed to consume the food without a spoon. She scanned the table but there was not sign of any silver or plastic wear.

“Catch!” she heard called out from behind her. Turning her head, her hand shot out just in time to save her face from the flying spoon that Octavia had launched in her direction. The older girl smiled at her and Tris felt the sister-like approval that until now she had only been a witness to, never a participant.  “We may make a catcher out of you yet,” Octavia without any of the usual attitude and a smile. Octavia actually smiled at her. 

Lexa was the last to enter the kitchen, and Tris looked them over as they met their wife’s lips and wrapped long arms around the smaller woman. Their fitted black slacks with pressed creases down the front of their legs and green button up strapped down by black suspenders made them look professional but the tight bun holding back the curls that matched her own made them just down right scary.

 _I hope I grow up to look like them_.

But it hit her almost immediately that Raven had been right. Raven knew she wasn’t sure who she was. Yes it said Trikru on her mother’s death certificate and yes, she looked like Lexa. However, it could all be a cruel consequence.

When Lexa sat down at the table next to her, she looked at them as she shoveled the cereal into her mouth, her body leaning over her bowl protecting her food like someone around her would take it from her if she was not alert.

Tris gradually gathered her courage, as Lexa scrolled through something on their phone. She was about to ask for security, when Lexa stated, “The appointment with Cage Wallace is this afternoon, correct, Prisa?” She knew that name. Wallace was her case manager. He was not her favorite person.

“Se, 4:30,” Clarke answered, slipping into the language that clearly was unnatural to her tongue. “Tris will need to be there as well. I only got Simon from Cottonwood to release her to us under my license for the weekend. We have to get Wallace to approve the transfer of placement in order to make it permanent.”

Raven’s voice broke through then, “Wait you mean they could say no?”

Movement in the kitchen ceased and all eyes were shifting between the disheveled blonde in her pajama’s sucking on the straw of a latte that Lexa had delivered following their run with her infant wrapped her chest and the teen shielding her cereal bowl.

“Yes, there is a chance they could say no, but there is no reason for them too. I have held my foster to adopt license since Octavia and I became family. I kept it in the event that there was someone that needed us,” Clarke explained, but then she turned to Tris, “However, I guess we failed to ask you what you wanted." The silence continued as everyone's else locked on her. "Do you want to be here?”

Tris looked to Lexa that was watching her expectantly. Their eyes were so green and so similar but she didn’t know. Because what if she was wrong? Because what if she wasn’t… She knew that this was her chance to ask for the truth.

“Can I get a DNA test with you?” She swallowed the lump in her throat that grew once the words exited her mouth. 

If the room was quiet before, it was timeless now. It was timeless because nothing moved. No one spoke. It may be possible that the people within the room forgot to breathe.

Lexa spoke though. It was cracked but audible, “You would only like to be here if we share genetic markers?”

Tris shook her head quickly realizing her mistake, and added, “I would just like to know. I want to know where I come from. I want to be here and I want to fit, but I want to know where I come from as well.”

Lexa broke their focus on her and looked to Clarke, so Tris turned to Clarke. She couldn’t help but hope that the woman would help her. That she would understand. And she did because she nodded to Lexa.

“I’ll call my Mom, and how about you and Tris stop at the hospital on your way home. It may take a few days for the results, but you know Mom will get it done fast,” Clarke stated. Tris looked back at Lexa in time to see them nod in agreement.

And it was settled in a few days Tris would find out if she in fact was a Trikru. It was scary because if she was a Trikru and they decided they didn’t want her then it would mean another family rejection. If she wasn’t though, it means that she is was left to the mercy of two people that she had lied to and then broke apart their family in one fail swoop. She gradually began to regret her decision, but it was too late now. Because in a few days she would know the truth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I felt that I maybe needed to explain somethings from LHLYAC from Raven's point of view and maybe a little of foreshadowing for Tris.


	23. Accident's happen and we have to learn to adjust...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is for all those amazing people that wished me well when I was super sad.

**~Clarke~**

The girls had left for school in Octavia’s car. Lexa still had a first period prep so they remained at the house spending sometime with Levi while Clarke was given some me time to shower and dress for the day.

She enjoyed the hot water running over her tense shoulders. She glanced down to see Lexa’s purple fingerprints imbedded in her skin just over her hipbones. She let her fingers graze the sensitive flesh, and let out a deep breath of contentment. She knew she had been foolish thinking that Lexa had lost interest in her.

After shutting off the water, she ran her hands through her hair and then twisted the lockes until the excess water drained. She stepped out to see Lexa leaning against the counter watching her protectively. Their eyes were partially dilated as they took in her bare flesh that was still covered in droplets of water.

Clarke placed a hand on each hip and stared into Lexa’s wanting eyes, “Enjoying the view, Commander?”

Lexa leaned back and nodded wordlessly. Only a smile brushed across their lips. Clarke felt her body flush under Lexa’s cocky approval. Looking over Lexa’s carefully put together attire, she noticed the slight bulge and she knew that they were strapped. She stepped forward, her hands dropping to her sides as she tilted her chin down in a sign of submission. When she was close, Lexa held up their hand, and stopped her.

“I am already dressed, Prisa.”

Dropping to her knees carefully, she looked up at them and then to the crotch of their pants. Licking her lips, she said in a husky voice, “I can’t service you, Commander, without you needing to disrobe.”

Reaching forward, Clarke brushed her hand over the bulge. Lexa’s eyes grew darker as they wrapped the blonde hair in their fist and encouraged her further. Clarke knew they didn’t have much time, but it wouldn’t take her long by the look in Lexa’s eyes.

Pulling the zipper down and retracting the silicon flesh colored dick, Clarke swallowed the excess saliva that had flooded her mouth at being allowed to put on a show for Lexa. Her hand ran against the ridged surface of skin like material. She pushed the toy against Lexa’s clit and pulled it away carefully giving them pressure and then releasing it.

“I want your mouth, Prisa. Don’t tease me,” their voice was dark and demanding. The tone sending a rush of arousal to her sex, but she felt the sharp tug on her hair and her head moved to the tip of the dick. “Take me in that pretty little mouth of yours.”

Clarke’s tongue extended and licked the tip. Their fingers tightened and they released the slightest hitch in breath. Clarke pressed the base to them again and ground it against their sex as she wrapped her lips over the head.

Lexa’s hand guided her every move. It was about them controlling her that would make them bliss out quickly, so she encouraged it, pausing when Lexa’s hand stopped and taking in more every time Lexa pressed her forward. It wasn’t long before they had her head bobbing up and down their dick as they stared down at her. At her obedience.

They pressed her into them until their dick was fully enclosed within her mouth, and her blue eyes stared up at them in submission. They held her head steady and began to thrust their hips in and out of her o shaped lips, pleasuring themselves at their own hands. She relished in being theirs. Theirs to take and use as they pleased. And they did as they rutted in and out of her mouth.

“Fuck, Prisa,” they growled, as they pressed into her. Clarke took the dick like a champ and held still in their hands. They paused for a moment, and Clarke could tell by their hungry gaze that they wanted more. Pulling her hair back, they pulled her up from them and pushed her into the counter, bending her over exposing her sex to them.

“Four more weeks, Prisa. Four more weeks before I can pound into that pretty little cunt of yours.” Clarke felt their words tickly her throat where their mouth was now busily sucking a deep bruise into her.

“Please, Commander. Take me now,” she begged. Lexa’s lips left her throat, and they whispered all the ways they wished to punish her pussy for being unavailable for so long.

She pushed her hips back, trying to take the tip within her. She wasn’t hurting and her sex was drenched with want. “Please, Lex-sa.”

They turned her quickly and stared into her eyes. “Clarke, Arizona said we must wait for the doctor’s okay. She said-“

Clarke’s face flushed at the doctor’s name, and she cut them off. “Fuck her. I want you. I am not hurting and I want to feel you fuck me. Please Commander. Fuck me.”

They ran their fingers up her sex and she knew they could tell how badly she wanted them. Gradually they pressed a finger within her cunt carefully and torturously slow. They ran it along her walls and then added another digit. She pressed her hips into their fingers and rode them in rhythm with their slow movements.

“Does it hurt, Prisa?”

Clarke shook her head, her eyes begging for more. She ran her hand under their suspenders and pushed them off their shoulders as they pressed within her again, their fingers scissoring her entrance pleasantly. Clarke leaned her head back at the overwhelming sensations.

“Commander…” she wanted them. She couldn’t wait four more weeks. She wanted them now.

“Go to the bed,” the instructed and pulled their fingers from within her. She felt the emptiness as though Lexa had pulled the life from her. When she didn’t move, they turned her body for her and landed a sharp swat to her still sore ass cheek. “I thought you wanted me to fuck you, Klark, not spend what time I had left beating that precious little ass of yours again. “

Clarke moved, even though she would enjoy their punishing lashes against her still sore flesh, she wanted their dick buried in her instead.

She moved to the bed and felt Lexa trailing behind her. When she made it to the bed she stopped and waited for instructions from her dom. “On your back. I want to see that gorgeous face of yours as I take back what’s mine.”

Clarke turned and pushed back on to the bed, but Lexa pulled her down, so they could stand between her thighs. With their suspenders already off and cock out the only thing they needed was to unfasten the button of their pants. Their fingers did so and they pressed at their hips, guiding their pants down. Without kicking the pants away, they aligned the dick with Clarke’s entrance, and took one last look at the blonde.

“Are you sure you feel ready, Prisa?”

Clarke nodded eagerly, but the motion was interrupted as Lexa’s head pushed between the ring of muscle. Her breath hitched at the intrusion and she swallowed her moan as her head tossed back. Lexa paused, allowing her walls to adjust to them being within her for the first time in five months.

She nodded when she was ready, and felt them push the rest of way in, burying themself within her. This time she couldn’t swallow the moan, and she knew that all it would take were a few deep thrusts and she would be coming undone around them.

“Commander…” she begged, and she felt Lexa move within her again.

The rhythm that was set was smooth and careful. Commander Lexa was carefully taking Clarke to her edge as they approached theirs. They moved together with Clarke’s legs pulled up to hook on Lexa’s shoulders.

They had started this with the desire to pound into her and reclaim her, but Clarke could only see the seer admiration in Lexa’s eyes as they moved within her. Her breathing was increasing to ragged panting as she fingers clutched at the Lexa’s hips to pull them into her.

The couple’s eyes were locked as Clarke’s reached her precipice. She begged, “Please come with mee, Lexi. Please…. Fuck!” her walls clenched around them, and her body arched back from the bed. Releasing her legs, Lexa leaned into her and rutted against her with soft thrusts. Lexa’s lips locked around her nipple coaxing out her sweet taste and they collapsed into their own spasms before falling a top her.

As though Levi was waiting for them to finish, the monitor beeped and then they heard the sweet cries of their baby. Lexa sucked lightly on Clarke’s sensitive nipple, and she giggled. “You keep that up I will have nothing to left to feed your kid.”

Lexa sucked more, and then shifted to the other side. “Bottle,” they said as they ravished her other breast. When they released they smiled up at the blonde, and said, “Mine.”

“Yours, Commander. Always yours.”

They pulled from within her, and she moaned out at the loss. She had missed them filling her. She had missed begin so closely connected with them.

“I love you,” they whispered, pressing a soft kiss to her lips. She kissed them, but Levi’s cries became more determined.

“Go get our child, Lexi,” and she pressed one more kiss to them. They moved to leave the room, and apparently forgot their pants were still locked around their ankles. They tripped catching themself on the hard ground by their outstretched hands.

“Fuck!” they called out.

**~Lexa~**

The pain was indescribable that tore through Lexa’s left hand and radiated up their shoulder. Their head hit the ground and they felt Clarke’s hands on them, turning them over. Tears were rushing from their eyes, and they were trying to control it but the pain was immeasurable.

“Klark,” they hissed. “Klark, it…”

One of her hands was rubbing their back as the other gently probed Lexa’s arm that they clutched to them. “Lexi, I think you fractured your wrist. We need to get you to hospital.”

They sucked in their lip, trying to gather their emotions but the pain was too strong. Clarke’s arms helped them to their feet, and then guided them to the bed. The blonde quickly pulled their pants up and tucking their dick back within still damp from Clarke’s orgasm, before fastening the button.

Lexa sat still holding their arm against their chest, as Clarke moved out of the room still strak nude. When she came back, Levi was latched to her chest, and Clarke grimaced at the tugging on her chest, but her attention was focused on the phone.

“Hello, Sinclair. I am sorry to call so late, but Lexa tripped and I have to take them to the hospital. I know I am sorry but they were literally about to leave and I am pretty sure they broke their wrist. Thank you.”

She hung up immediately following the thank you, and she was clicking the screen of phone again. Holding the phone to her shoulder, she held the baby with one arm and moved out of sight.

_Fuck, this can’t be happening._

They looked down at their arm that was still throbbing. They hoped Clarke was wrong. They hoped that this was just a fucked up dream. But dreams were not suppose to hurt and their wrist fucking hurt.

Clarke came back, finishing up her conversation, “We will be there in just a few minutes, Mom. I just need to run across the street to get Luna.”

The blonde placed Levi on the bed, so she could pull on her own clothes. Once her jeans were secured, she pulled the nursing tank and a baseball t reading “will work for coffee” on.

“Okay, Mom. See you soon.”

She hung up the phone and looked at Lexa. Their tears had dried, but the pain hadn’t faded. They looked at their wife and tried to pull on a mask of strength but Clarke’s gentile caress of their cheek made it impossible.

“You can be vulnerable, baby. We’re going to get it taken care of,” the blonde whispered and pressed her lips to their cheek. They leaned into the kiss and their tears started again.

Clarke wiped away their tears though, and whispered, “I need to go get Luna. We can’t take Levi to the hospital.”

Lexa nodded, and looked over at their squirming child. They placed their good hand on the child’s belly and rubbed lightly, avoiding the still healing belly button. The baby kicked and gurgled as they looked over their nontu, and they scrunched their face.

_How am I going to carry them if I’m broken? How am I going to help Clarke?_

The questions of their now further interiority played in their mind. They shook their head knowing that these thoughts would only take them to a dark place, but they

Clarke was gone and back within minutes with a large pregnant Luna in tow. Their eyes were rimmed red, and Luna was beside them immediately.

“Lex, what the fuck did you do?”

Lexa huffed out their chest, “I wrestled a pinche gorilla, but no fear Lun, I scared it off.”

Luna just rolled her eyes at them. She picked up Levi and rested them slightly on her protruding belly. “Hola, mija,” Luna whispered, and then caught herself. She cast an apologetic look to Lexa, who nodded to her because really a female term of endearment directed at their child was the least of their issues right now.

“They’re going to need a bottle, because I pulled them off too soon,” Clarke said, holding her purse and looking to Lexa. Luna nodded, and followed Clarke as she and Lexa made their way to the car.

“Avoid any more gorillas. I hear there’s one on the loose in the neighborhood,” Luna said as they made their way to Clarke’s new car. Clarke tried not to laugh, but Lexa groaned through their teeth.

“I couldn’t tell her I fell over my pants after fucking you,” Lexa stated as justification. But Clarke just rolled her eyes at them, as she buckled their seat belt.

When she was locked in her own seat, she turned briefly to Lexa and stated, “You better start planning on what you are going to tell me mother, since she clearly will not buy the whole fighting off a gorilla scenario.”

And Lexa groaned, slamming their head back into the seat. How the fuck were they going to explain this to their mother-in-law? But then a thought crossed their mind.

“Clarke?” they asked turning their head to look at their wife. They watched her swallow, paying careful attention to the road as she drove.

“Hmm?” she answered.

They shifted slightly, and then said, “If my wrist is broken, does that mean I don’t have to change diapers anymore?”


	24. Just like accidents there will be adversity...

**~Octavia~**

Octavia and Raven stepped into their senior government class, and immediately noticed that their nontu was not the adult standing at the front of the class. Octavia looked immediately to Raven, and both girls were afraid. They hadn’t rode together and they should have. They should have because then if something happened… because what if something had happened to Lexa on their way to work. What if they were hurt.

‘Ms. Azeda’ was scrolled in careful script across the white board.

“Where’s Trikru?” Octavia immediately called from the back of the room before even sitting down. Raven stood at her side leaning on her crutches.

The substitute turned around abruptly, and glared at both girls since she didn’t know who had spoken. She was older than their parents, probably as old as a parent should be to a teen their age but she wasn’t Lexa and they were worried. “I am not privy to the whereabouts of absent teachers, if you would take your seats. I would appreciate being able to begin class.”

Lincoln was already in the front row, and clearly the substitute had rubbed him the wrong way. He stated coldly, “Trikru is their parent. If they didn’t know Trikru was going to be here, then they have every reason to be concerned about their where abouts. Their mom was in an accident just a week ago and their baby sibling was born too early and is still fragile. So they are worried about their family members are okay. Jeez.”

The woman stared at him as he spoke and then looked at the two girls still standing near the door. Her lips were tight as she stared down the two girls that still had not followed her instructions. Octavia stared at her coldly, and then turned to leave the room, before she was stopped by the voice behind her, “Where do you think you are going, Ms. Trikru?”

Octavia turned abruptly on her heal, her face flushed with irritation, and spit back, “It’s Trikru-Griffin, and if you have to know I am going to the office to call my mother to see where my fucking Nontu is.”

The woman quickly approached her, and stated, “You will take your seat and mind your language. You are not just allowed to walk out of class without permission.”

Octavia pointed casually to clock with distain radiating from her being, as she informed the substitute, “Class hasn’t started yet, and if I have to I will receive a late pass from the office. But you cannot keep me here.”

Just as the teacher was about to take another step towards her, Raven held out her crutch and stopped the woman a few feet from her sister. The crystal blue eyes turned on her, and Raven smiled firmly, “You should just stop there. See that’s my sister, and that big dude that is behind you is my future brother-in-law and neither of us are going to let you stop her from finding out where Trikru is and if they are okay.”

Octavia left the room then, not caring fi the woman followed her. She needed to know that Lexa was okay. She needed to know that Levi and Clarke were okay. She needed to know that her family was still intact.

**~Lexa~**

The strap was pinching uncomfortably, and Lexa was shifting trying to adjust it as they sat with Clarke in Abby’s office. Their wrist was x-rayed and now they were waiting on the results from Abby. The reached down, pulling on their dick, trying to get the strap to shift from pulling their skin, but nothing was working.

Clarke glanced over at them pulling at the crotch of their pants, and asked, “Lex, what are you doing? She is going to be back in a minute.”

“It’s pinching. You stuffed it in at a weird angle and now its hurting,” they whined. The pain in their wrist had lessened a little. Probably just enough to allow their brain to process other areas of irritation. “Fuck it,” they said unzipping their pants can pulling the toy out to try and adjust the angle.

“Lexa,” Clarke hissed, “this is my mom’s office.”

Lexa looked at her helplessly though, and they hoped she would understand. And she did. Her eyes softened, and she moved to help them. She tugged at the toy, trying to release it from the O-ring that fastened it to their sex. But she wasn’t fast enough.

Abby entered the room, with iPad in hand. Lexa glanced over just as Clarke held the toy up in success. But the blonde face went pale as the blood rushed from it when Abby’s eyes locked on the dildo in her daughter’s hand.

“Seriously, Clarke?” Abby said shaking her head. Clarke quickly pushed the cock in her purse, not sure what to say. Lexa was beyond mortified. Yes, there had been times that Abby had accidently caught them having sex, and times they forgot to shut the blinds and the window so Abby was highly informed of their sex life. But as Clarke had said, they were in Abby’s office. They were in Abby’s office with their pants undone, and a decent sized dick.

_Fuck, can this day get any worse?_

And yes, yes it could get a lot worse. Because Abby would not just let this drop. No Abby would lecture them. Would lecture them about having sex in her office when Lexa was broken and Clarke was not allowed to take anything in her for another several weeks.

“You two are unbelievable.” Her brown eyes locked on Lexa, but Lexa couldn’t look at their mother-in-law. “You know that she is not to be taking anything, even a silicon dong until she has properly healed. Lexa that is just irresponsible and I always thought you would treat my daughter better than that.” Abby was shaking her head, and Lexa felt crushed that they had gone against doctor’s orders. They had given in to Clarke’s pleads, even though they knew better. Even though they had been told specifically that Clarke was not to have sex sex until she received the doctor’s okay.

They were the dominate partner. They were supposed to take care of Clarke, even when she couldn’t take care of herself. They were supposed to be strong for them both and now not only had they let Abby down and put Clarke at risk, but they had hurt themself so Clarke would have to do so much work by herself.

An unequivocal sense of failure flooded them, and even though Clarke was standing up to her mother, they couldn’t hear her through the blood pumping pounding in their ears. Blood pounded and the room tilted on its axis as they swallowed their failure and inferiority.

“I’m sorry,” they whispered, a tear escaping. They hadn’t felt so little and so young since that night sitting at the table. Sitting at the table they chose to leave because they had failed their parents. And they realized they couldn’t be what their parents wanted, and now they had failed Abby. They had failed Clarke.

“Stop this,” Clarke’s voice cut through their pity party. Her fingers were touching their face, but they pulled their face away, trying to cover any further weakness. “You didn’t do anything wrong, Lexi.”

They wanted to believe her, but they couldn’t. They knew they had fucked up.

“Lex, look at me,” but they couldn’t. So they looked at the bookcase. The bookcase where Clarke and Abby were not. Trying to swallow their inadequacy.

They heard Clarke snap at Abby, and then felt her hands on their knees. Clarke was kneeling before them, trying to get them to look at her. They clenched their eyes and tried to focus, turning their chin down in shame. Because that is what they were right? Shameful. A poor excuse for a partner that doesn’t protect their wife.

Her hands are on their cheeks though, and she is begging them. Pleading them to come back to her. And they had to come back. They had to come back to her like they promised in their vows they would. They promised to always be there with her. But they had to be better. They had to be better for her.

Swallowing the mucus that was threating to afixiate them, they opened their glassy eyes to see the furrowed brow of concern and oceanic eyes pleading silently to be with her. To love her.

And they did.

They swallowed again, and whispered to only Clarke, “I’m so sorry Klark. I knew better and I am supposed to protect you.”

“Fuck her,” Clarke hissed. “We didn’t do anything wrong. I am not hurt and you are going to be okay, because she is going to fix your wrist and apologize for being an asshole, because baby we are okay. You are a little banged up but its okay. We didn’t fuck in her office. We were trying to make you comfortable because your chonies were twisted. She just jumped to conclusions. Baby. Lexi, you’re okay. It’s going to be okay.”

Lexa nodded to Clarke even though they knew. They knew that they were not okay. They needed time to process their decisions and think with their head and not their heart. They needed to think about the consequences of their actions.

**~Abby~**

The surgeon sat behind her desk watching as her words cut through her daughter’s partner. She hadn’t meant to berate them to the point of tears and she felt the weight of her severity. She should have chosen her words more carefully, and she wasn’t even sure why she was so angry.

Abby knew there was no reason to be angry with Lexa. They were there because they had a fractured wrist and had clearly been in pain. Yet she had lashed out at them. Lashed out like her daughter and them were teenagers fucking in her bed. But really she had never even treated her teenage daughters with such malice when they came to her with questions about sex and requests for birth control and plan b pills. She had been professional and gentile with her granddaughters.

So why had she jumped down Lexa’s throat at the first opportunity, she didn’t know. Lexa had never been anything but good to her. Even extending the first hand of friendship and welcome when she arrived in Phoenix a year ago. And she had broken them to tears when their body was already broken.

“…she is going to fix your wrist and apologize for being an asshole, because baby we are okay. You are a little banged up but its okay. We didn’t fuck in her office. We were trying to make you comfortable because your chonies were twisted. She just jumped to conclusions…” Clarke was telling them, and they were trying to control their emotions.

There was several moments of silence broken only by Lexa’s sharp breaths as they tried to get control of their emotions.

When the emerald eyes met hers, surrounded by red rims and blood shot sclera. Abby saw the fragility of Lexa’s sense of self for the first time. The fear that lay in being good enough for Clarke. And she knew that Clarke was right.

She was an asshole.

“I’m sorry, Lexa,” she said quietly but genuinely. She watched them nod once, just subtly. She knew they were acknowledging her apology, but her words had hit their mark and hurt them, and Lexa would hold her words. They would hold her hateful words within them and let it fester and boil as they degraded themself.

But there was nothing she would be able to say to pull them from themself at this time. Abby knew this,  so she flipped the iPad towards and showed them the fracture.

Clarke was flustered not caring for anything really that she had to say, and Abby realized that Clarke would swallow her cruelty and catalogue it in the file within her for every way Abby had let her down. And Abby knew what Lexa was feeling then. The inferiority of never feeling good enough for her daughter.

_You’re a fucking idiot, Abigail. What the fuck is wrong with you?_

But she pulled her doctor mask on, and pointed to where the fracture in the lower point of Lexa’s ulna.

“I will need to cast it, but overall in a six weeks you should be good to go. No lifting, no training with Octavia or wrestling with Ryder. You will have to accept that for a the next few weeks you will not want to use your left had at all really, because moving your fingers will still bother it. But it will heal easily.”

Lexa’s eyes softened as they asked, “Abby-“

But Abby cut her off, “Mom.”

Lexa nodded, but didn’t repeat, instead just asked their question, “So you are saying I won’t be able to change diapers for several weeks?”

Clarke laughed then and took the seat next to Lexa. Her daughter’s hand was still intertwined with Lexa’s good hand, and she tugged on it lightly. “You’re hilarious, babe. Anything to get out of diapers. You know that’s the only thing you have had to say about this whole thing. I am beginning to think you did this on purpose.”

Abby smiled, and leaned back, “Care to share how it is you managed to hurt yourself Lex? Or did Clarke do it trying to be a switch.”

She watched as Lexa’s face turned crimson, and they bit their lip. Which was enough to tell her that she didn’t want to know how Lexa had broken their wrist. But Lexa lied then, lied in the most obvious way, but it brought a huge smile to their face, “The house was attacked by a zombie and I was defending Clarke.”

Clarke laughed, and Abby stated, “I thought you said something about a gorilla earlier?”

Lexa’s breath hitched and they nodded, “Yep, zombie gorilla. I told Luna to lock all the doors and stay away from the window, because there is a rogue zombie gorilla running through the neighborhood. Be careful when you go home.”

And the three laughed, because there wasn’t anything else to do as they gathered their things to move to a bed where Abby could cast Lexa’s arm.

**~Luna~**

The phone began to ring just as she got Levi to sleep. She left the nursery door open as she made her way back into the living room and found her phone. She had missed the call, but she could see Octavia’s name displayed on the screen. Swiping over the name she waited for the ring. But the ring never came, because Octavia’s frantic voice came over the line.

“ _Tia?_ ” Luna could hear the panic in Octavia’s voice. Her heart clenched hoping that the girl was not calling to give her bad news. This family had had an unfair amount of bad news in the past few weeks. Luna didn’t know if any of them could handle any more heartbreak.

“Bueno, O, que pasa?”

The girl breathed out, and began, “ _I’m scared, Tia. Nontu didn’t come to work today and Mom and Nontu aren’t answering their phones and I don’t know if something happened to them while they were driving to work…”_

Luna cut the girl off, hearing how scared she was, she just wanted to give the girl comfort, “Octavia, Lexa broke her wrist this morning after apparently chasing a gorilla from the house. Which basically means Lex and your mom were doing the dirty and they hurt themself. You mom took the cry baby commander to the hospital, and I am at your house with Levi. Everyone is safe though. Lexa is just going to end up with a cast and you with weeks of diaper duty.”

She took a breath and felt the relief ease though the line as though Octavia had finally taken a breath.

“ _So they’re okay_?”

A smile spread over her face. Lexa had gotten lucky to have kids as awesome as their two girls. She hoped that Alexi would grow to be as caring and strong as those two teens. “Si, mija, tu Nontu esta vein.”

“ _Tia, I don’t understand Spanish_.”

Luna shook her head, “Lo siento, O, your Nontu is fine.”

“ _Okay… Okay… Thank you, Tia. I have to go back to class. I already pissed off the sub.”_

“Si, si, educacion is muy importante. You must study hard child.”

Octavia laughed then, and Luna did not understand why the girl was laughing at her. “I am serious, mija. You must study well.”

“ _Can I tell you a secret, Tia?”_ the girl asked, and Luna could hear the smile in her voice.

“Of course,” but she worried of what could come from Octavia that was supposed to be a secret.

She heard the hum on the other end of the line and the school bell ringing. Then she heard Octavia’s confession, “ _So Mom and Nontu don’t know yet, but…”_

“Ay Dios mio, if you tell me you are pregnant Octavia I cannot keep that from your parents,” Luna stated wanting to make sure the girl knew that there were things she would not protect from Lexa and Clarke. Lexa was her best friend after all. Her only friend in this strange new place. She didn’t like having to keep something from them.

But she heard Octavia’s exasperation on the other end of the line, “WHAT! Why does everyone think I am going to get pregnant?! Like seriously do you all feel like I am such a fucking slut that I would get knocked up while still in high school?”

Luna felt instantly bad for her assumption. The girl had clearly been excited to tell her something, and she had failed to be the cool aunt. No, instead she put the girl on the defense and insulted her fragile sense of self.

“Lo siento, mija, what is your news?” she tried to redirect but Octavia wasn’t having it.

“ _It doesn’t matter… I’m not pregnant…”_ the line was silent for a moment, and then the girl came back with, “ _I have to go to class. Thanks for telling me what’s going on with Nontu.”_

“Octavia?” but she saw from her peripheral the phone light up and ‘call ended’ displayed on the screen. The teen had hung up on her. She had hung up because Luna had been an assumptive ass.

_Damn it. What kind of aunt are you?_

She huffed out a heavy breath, and rubbed the lower region of her belly. She decided that Clarke was lucky to get that Trikru baby out of her early because her kid was huge and her back was killing her and she hadn’t seen her vag or feet in weeks. All she saw was belly. A giant expanse of toffee colored skin stretched to its max, and she had two more months of stretching. Two more months of stretching because Ryder had taken the fertility drugs for Levi and she ended up pregnant. Pregnant and in another state.

She loved Ryder, there was no question. She loved being Alexi’s mom just as much as she loved being Gus’s mom. But she did not being the size of a blimp. She rubbed her stomach and felt the pressure telling her she had one minute to get to the toilet before she pissed her pants. So she moved quickly.

**~Clarke~**

The blonde was still fuming over her mother’s disrespectful behavior. The clock read 12:30 as Abby finished applying the last of the black strips over Lexa’s forearm. Her partner looked like she was wearing a warriors guard over their wrist.

“You almost look like Xena,” Clarke poked fun of Lexa. The green eyes shot her a glare that told her Xena was not the warrior of choice.

“I would never wear a skirt made entirely of tiny pieces of leather that showed off my backside with beast protectors, Klark,” Lexa stated and straightened their back.

“Oh Greek God, I forgot your mightiness would rather be likened to Hercules or Leonidas, both of which wore slit skirts or cloth diapers. I just figured you weren’t a fan of diapers so Xena was a better choice.”

Their eyes narrowed at her, and she knew she was pushing her dear commander’s button’s labeled ‘ego.’ But Clarke smiled genuinely as possible, making sure that Lexa knew she was very aware of what she was doing. But then Abby cut in, “Clarke we both know Lexa would be an apocalyptic warrior not an ancient myth. No they would be running around in leather pants waving a sword at zombies.”

Clarke laughed and stated, “Mom, you have been spending far too much time with Octavia.”

Abby nodded in agreement, with a soft smile. A smile that Clarke had never though she would see come from her mother at the mention of her daughter. The two had come so far, spending one weekend a month bonding and making up for lost time. 

Coming around the table, Abby held up a needle, “So I can stick this in your arm or your rear.”

Clarke watched as their eyes widened in uncertainty. Clarke knew they didn’t like needles. They had protested against the mandate against requiring they get flu shots for work, and even claimed belief in a religion banning the use of vaccines so that they could be waived from the requirement.

“Wh.. at’s it for?” they stuttered, and Clarke lost feeling in her fingers as Lexa seized inexplicably tighter.

Abby shrugged, “Pain.”

Lexa shook their head, “No. I am strong.”

“Lexa, you are taking the shot or I will get someone to hold you down,” Lexa’s back straightened and her muscled tightened.

“You will not inject me with that. No needles, Mom.”

Abby looked to Clarke, and capped the needle. Clarke smiled as Lexa looked at her with utter relief. Clarke moved in front of Lexa and pressed her forehead to theirs. She leaned in the last few millimeters and pressed her lips to theirs. Their kissed deepened and Lexa nip at her lower lip.

But the nip quickly turned to a painful bite and Clarke pulled away tasting the copper and iron of her own blood. “What the fuck, Lexa!” she pushed them in their good shoulder before wiping at the place that her lip was bleeding. “You fucking bit me!”

Lexa’s eyes were hard, and they glared at her, “You distracted me so she could stick me in the butt with her needle.”

Clarke glanced over Lexa’s shoulder where Abby was happily taking apart the needle and putting it within the biohazard container. “Did you?” and Abby nodded.

“They are going to get a little loopy probably, but they are not going to feel a thing for several hours. This one is powerful, it should start working within a few minutes.”

Clarke bit back, “A few hours! Mom we have a meeting with Tris’s social worker at 4:30!”And Abby’s eyes grew. “Fuck, Mom!”

“It shouldn’t be too bad, Clarke.”

But then both looked at Lexa who was rubbing their head. Rubbing their head, and saying that she fucking betrayed them, and that the world is not safe with drugs. Clarke looked to Abby, and they silently tried figure out a plan. But they were interrupted by Lexa.

“Klarke.”

Clarke turned to see Lexa studying her. Turned to see their green eyes dilated and wide with concern. “Yes, Lexi.”

“We need to go.”

Clarke glared over at Abby, “Yes, we do. Thanks, Mom.” Lexa hopped off the bed and walked to the exit, but Clarke remembered something. “Lexi, hold on.” Turning back to Abby, she said, “We need you to do a DNA test. I will bring Tris here later, but get Lexa’s now because I don’t think they will be leaving the house anytime this afternoon.”

Abby nodded and left the room to get what she needed.

Turning back to Lexa, Clarke told them they needed to stay just for a few more minutes because they promised Tris they would get the test done today. Lexa didn’t fight her, but they started talking.

And their talking was focused solely on their plan. Their zombie plan, for the family, “Klarke. We need… we need to go to Costco. We need to go so we can get supplies. Also I want to buy some land in the country. Country far away from the city. Vaccines and stuff they are going to turn people into zombies. And we have to protect the family. Have to protect the girls and Levi and can we get enough room for Ryder,” they paced the room back and forth. “I know that it would be a lot of us, but Klark, I can’t leave my brother to the zombies and they wont be able to afford their own place without us. What am I saying? Without you.”

Their eyes shot to where Clarke was standing in disbelief at the thorough analysis that Lexa was giving this idea. But they were infront of her, eyes locked on her and they were holding her arm. Not harshly or commanding, but pleading, “I’m sorry I am not worth more money. I don’t want to live off of you. I will work harder but can you get room for Ryder and Luna too. Please Clarke. I promise I will pay you back.”

The words hit Clarke hard. Not because Lexa was losing their fucking mind at the stupid story of zombies and gorillas, but that Lexa felt that her money was hers, and they had to ask for something they wanted. That they felt like she was taking care of them.

But there was no talking about that with Lexa right now. Right now Lexa needed to be reassured that she would help them protect their family. Rubbing her hands over Lexa's arms and pulling them into her, “Oh, Lexa of course we will get Ryder and Luna a house with ours and we will take the girls and your parents and my mother.”

They whispered with careful but dilated eyes, “Indra and Lincoln too?”

“Indra and Lincoln too. We could never leave them,” Clarke reassured them, complete seriousness in her gaze.

Lexa pulled back, their lip out slightly. Their wheels were turning and she could see them wanting to ask for one more thing. “Clarke, I know you don’t like her but can we… can we save Anya… Anya and Echo. She was my mentor and I care for her because she was like my only confidant and she taught me well and I couldn’t leave her to the zombies.”

Clarke sighed heavily. Of course Lexa would want to bring Anya, the one person that Clarke was terrified of. But she nodded, “Yes, Lexi. Anya and Echo can come too, but she has to accept that I am the queen and she is nothing more than a general.”

And Lexa nodded, and pulled out their phone, saying, “I need to call her and tell her that she needs to prepare and we are going to…” They were searching through the contacts for Anya's number, and Clarke realized that Lexa did not need access to their phone right now. This was worse that drunk dialing. This was pain killer fucking high dialing to tell their co-worker their zombie apocalypse plan. 

Clarke ripped the phone from their fingers and pushed it into her purse next to their cock.  “You are not calling Anya right now.” Lexa’s eyes looked concerned. Abby returned then with the small plastic vile and a long brush looking thing.

Lexa's whine pulled all of the attention back on them though. “But you said she could come, Klark. You said… you said we could save her,” and their voice cracked as they tried to plead.

Clarke reached over and ran her hand over their face, while she backed them into a chair. She looked into the watery green eyes, and she never realized how much Lexa cared for Anya. It was honestly endearing to see Lexa trying to save all of the people they care for. When their legs hit the chair, they fell back into the plastic covered cushion with an umph, and looked up at her. Their eyes still concerned that she would change her mind about Anya.  “We just can’t talk about it on the phone, Lexi. You never know who is listening.”

And the tears that had been building in Lexa’s eyes were gone and they were smiling. Smiling and nodding. “You’re right. You’re so right, Klark.” Clarke shot Abby a look of sheer rage, but her mother let it roll off her shoulders as she approached Lexa. 

“What the fuck did you give them?”

“A strong pain killer,” the doctor said before turning her attention to Lexa. She held Lexa's chin and said,  “Okay, Lexa open your mouth.” And Lexa did so, without question. Their eyes following Clarke pacing behind her mother.

 Clarke ran her hands along her scalp and tugged at the roots. “What are we going to do?”

Lexa was still talking though, trying to make Clarke feel better about the impending zombies. “Don't worry Klark I will take care of it. I will protect our family," they explained. They turned their focused attention on Abby then, and continued to explain, "because Mom I love your daughter. I love her and I will protect her. I only had sex with her because she was begging and I was weak. But it wasn't in your office. It's just she put it away and it pinched. But if you don't want me to I'll get rid of it. I will protect her and I won't wear it because I want you to know I love her and I will protect her.”

 _Oh my god they didn’t._ Her whole body turned to see them holding on to Abby and looking so deadly serious. _Please Lexa, don't._ But it was too late.

“But I love her and I will protect her. I promise not to have sex with her until you say it is okay. But she wanted it so badly and the last time… the last time I told her no she stopped loving me..."

Clarke stepped towards them.

"and she stopped loving Levi and I couldn’t let that happen again. But that’s not all..."

 _Fuck that needs to be all. Shut the fuck up!_ and Clarke takes another step towards them. 

"I wanted her. Oh my I wanted her. She does these amazing things and she tastes-“ and Clarke’s hand is over their mouth before they can say another word to the scarlet faced doctor.

“You up,” Clarke tells Lexa, whose eyes lock with hers but  follows instructions relatively well. they stand slightly wobbly. Clarke turned her attention back to Abby, with her hand still covering Lexa's lips. Her blue iris lock on her mother’s brown, and she states, “I will deal with you later.”

**~Tris~**

Lexa couldn’t be found in their classroom, and she wasn’t sure what to do. They were supposed to go with her to see Dr. Griffin for the DNA test, but it was 3:30 and they were no where to be found. She made her way to the office where she asked the woman at the front desk if she could help her locate Trikru, but they woman told her that Lexa had called in sick.

Her stomach sunk and she went to the lowest possible thought. Because it would make sense. They hadn’t come to work because they changed their mind. They didn’t want her and they didn’t want to take the test incase it said they were related. Her eyes lowered from the ground as she walked from the office. Her fingers clenched the straps of her hand-me-down backpack.

_They didn’t want me._

She walked through the center courtyard of the school. She kicked the rock before her and made her way through the small clumps of remaining students. She sighed and paid little attention to her direction.

What she didn’t see was Lincoln and Octavia standing at the gate leading to the student parking lot. In fact Tris almost passed them, but the older teen wrapped her arms around the girl and nearly caused the kid to piss herself.

“Ready, little Trikru?”

Tris’s eyes lightened and Octavia slung an arm over her shoulder and navigated her towards the Jeep. “I was waiting for you. I didn’t know what class you had.”

The girl tried to follow but she was fighting the excitement that was flooding her senses. _They didn’t just leave me. They didn’t decide they didn’t want me._

“…broken arm… home talking about zombies,” Octavia was saying.

 _Zombies? What?_ Tris realized that she missed everything that Octavia had explained to her, and now the girl was just staring at her expectantly.

Lowering her head, she said, “I thought they decided they didn’t want me so when you said you were waiting for me I got really excited and I wasn’t listening. I’m sorry.”

Octavia nodded at her, and Tris could tell by her eyes that she understood. They got into the car, where Raven was already waiting for them. Lincoln climbed into the back seat with Tris and the girl couldn’t help but notice that he did not fit there. But he smiled and rubbed his large hands over Octavia’s shoulders, kneading her muscles.

As the jeep came to life the music blasted from the speakers and Octavia could barely be heard over the song. “I love this song!”

Raven and Octavia took turns singing various lines of the song.

“ _Do you ever feel out of place, like somehow you just don't belong_ ,” Raven sang out

Octavia picked up almost immediately, “ _And no one understands you_?”

“ _Do you ever wanna run away_?” Raven asked.

“ _Do you lock yourself in your room_?” Octavia’s voice rang as they pulled out onto the street.

“ _With the radio on turned up so loud that no one hears you're screaming_?” the two sang out together.

“Do you know this song?” Octavia asked Tris, and the girl nodded. “Okay take the chorus.”

The lyrics picked up again, and everyone waited. Quietly Tris lipped the words, but then she sang out loudly, “ _You don't know what it's like to be like me!”_

And they all continued to sing as Octavia drove, and Tris realized the irony of the song in that moment. Because they all felt these things and they all understood what it meant to be these things. But the sang them out and they embraced themselves as being lost but found, hurt but healed.

“ _To be hurt_

_To feel lost_

_To be left out in the dark_

_To be kicked when you're down_

_To feel like you've been pushed around_

_To be on the edge of breaking down_

_And no one's there to save you_

_No, you don't know what it's like_

_Welcome to my life!”_

**~Clarke~**

Luckily Lexa’s drugs had worn off enough for them to stop talking about Zombies in time for the girls to get home, and spare fifteen minutes before Wallace was to arrive. Tris and their daughters was sitting at the table with them. The family as a whole looked casual, as Lexa was pulled from their professional dress as soon as they returned home.

They were tired now, the drugs having used a great deal of energy as they planned their move to the country and the different things needed for self sufficiency. Clarke was actually impressed with Lexa’s ability to doomsday prep.

The doorbell sounded five minutes before 4:30. Of course, Wallace would be early trying to catch the family in last minute chaos.

Clarke opened the door to reveal a tall man, dressed in pin stripped suit, with too much gel in his hair and a small scar running up his lip to his nose. His smile was sincere, as he held out his hand, and stated, “Hello, you must be Alexandria Trikru?”

Clarke swallowed, and she realized that there was a chance this may not go as planned. Because this was Arizona, red state of homophobia. _Fuck._

But there was no turning back now.

“Hello Mr. Wallace, actually I am Clarke. Clarke Griffin. My partner Lexa is inside.”

And Five.

Four.

Three.

Two.

One.

The flash of disgust was minute, but present. The social worker attempted to right himself, but his eyes lost their light and he straightened his posture. Clarke gestured to the house, and said, “Please, come in.”

Cage adjusted the clip board in his hand and positioned it to take notes, as he walked into the house, she noticed how he examined the rooms on either side of the entry way. “Everyone is at the table just straight into the back,” Clarke said, and he hummed in response as he made notes on the pad.

“You need to have caps on all of the electrical outlets,” he said, glancing at the base of the walls with the exposed outlets. Clarke was surprised to hear this from them. Tris was a teenager not a child, but she knew better than to disagree.

“Of course,” she said, “We can send on of the girls to get them now and have them all installed before our meeting is over.”

But Cage waved her away, “You can take care of it later.”

They made it to the kitchen where the rest of the family waited. As she approached, Lexa handed Levi to her, and they rose to their feet and shook hands with Cage. He looked them over, his brow furrowed. Lexa cast a question to Clarke but all the blond could do was close her eyes and sigh. But Lexa must have understood because they nodded at her.

Cage sat at the open seat, and Clarke notice he never bothered to greet Tris. In fact, he didn’t bother to acknowledge any of the girls. It irked her, and she held Levi to her chest.

Once the file was open, Cage began to sleep. “My understanding is that we are here for a change of placement for Tris Washington. Tris was under placement with Cottonwood Residential; however, she failed to report home Friday night. Her location was established as here on Saturday and she had been here on temporary day pass… Day pass? She should have been sent to Durango Juvenile Detention for running away. How did you manage to get a day pass, Ms. Griffin?”

Clarke swallowed, “I spoke with Simon. It has been brought to our attention that Tris is Lexa’s niece. We are hoping to have her reunited with this side of her family by changing her placement and pursuing adoption.”

Cage looked at Tris for the first time, but shifted his eyes to Lexa. He examined them more carefully. “You both do share resemblance; however, that is not enough to establish a next of kin-“

“I am aware of that,” Lexa stated, and then added, “We have ordered a DNA test and should have the results in a few days. However, no matter the results, Tris appears to fit within this household very well. We have decided whether she is biologically related or not we would still like to pursue adoption.”

Cage’s eyes narrowed at them. “You have known the girl for a few days and already have promised things that you cannot guarantee. Please Ms. Trikru explain to me how does that qualify as good parenting.

Clarke’s eyes widened as Lexa’s face-hardened.

 _Be careful, Lexi,_ and Clarke found herself for the first time hoping that Lexa would not reveal their gender identity.

Lexa seems to understand, because they explain, “Tris is in the system in need of a family, I see not how offering her one is bad parenting. In fact it is parenting, something she presently lacks.”

Wallace closed the file before him and looked at Lexa. Clarke watched the interaction as though Lexa had entered a pissing contest with the man. She held Levi out to Octavia, who took them quickly and Clarke made her way to stand behind Lexa. She placed her hands on their shoulder and felt their good hand reach up to take hers.

“Parenting is about providing the best and healthiest environment for Tris to learn values and moral that will help her succeed in life. While I understand the Supreme Court may recognize the relationship between yourself and Ms. Griffin, I do not feel that this would be the best place for Tris’ psychological development.”

“You can’t be seriously telling us that Tris has to go back to foster care because our parents are not straight?” Octavia choked out. Her face flushed and Clarke can tell the girl is furious. Almost as furious as she was, and she was fighting back the urge to physically assault the man.

The silence fogs over the room as the brew of homophobia was spilling through the man’s pores. He leaked prejudicial beliefs and he sat still just waiting for one of them to blow up. Looking for one of them to demonstrate that this was an ill-fitted home for Tris.

Lexa is the one to ask the big question though. “And if I am her next of kin. You cannot challenge us then?”

Cage swallowed harshly. Realistically that was all the information that Clarke and Lexa need, but he nodded in agreement. Lexa looked up at Clarke and stated calmly, “Please call your mother, Clarke. See if she could possibly get those results for us today.”

Clarke nodded and moved to the counter. She picked up her purse and dumped it on the counter hoping her phone would fall out easily. But she forgot. She forgot about this morning. She forgot in her desire to keep Tris from being pulled from their home that Lexa’s dick was still in her purse.

But not for long, because the rubber dong followed the coins to the counter, bounced off the granite and hit the ground with a gentile thud. Clarke turned to see Cage snarl in disgust. Clarke closed her eyes and tried to breath but everything was twisting, and she had to get it together. Opening her eyes she saw Cage Wallace rising.

“I am sorry but clearly this perverse household is unsafe for the moral upbringing of Tris Washington,” he stated. “I will be removing her from this household immediately and there will be inquiry in regards to the safety for any future fostering done within this house.”

Lexa is up on their feet, and they were snarling back at the man that had moved from his feet and placed a hand around the tiny bicep of the gangly teen. The teen who was crying silent tears of knowing. “You will take your hand off my niece,” the growled.

Wallace didn’t though. Instead he pulled the girl up to her feet, and snapped at her. “Get your things.” Tris nodded and disappeared down the hall.

Watching the girl go down the hall almost hollowed Clarke out. She felt the emptiness of potentially losing Tris. Knowing there was only one way to fix it all. Clarke pressed the call button with shaking hands, begging internally for her mother to pick up.

The phone rang twice, and with each ring Clarke saw Tris’s life being torn from them that much faster. But then Abby answered.

_“Clarke? Lexa okay?”_

Clarke heaved a grateful breath, and stuttered through her needs, “Mom… Mom… we need… Mom, they are trying to take Tris away. We need… the results. The test results. The DNA test.”

“ _What do you mean they are trying to take Tris away?”_

“Mom, I don’t have time. I need the results.”

_“Clarke, I wont have the results until tomorrow at the soonest.”_

Clarke snapped around and looked at Lexa. Her eyes pouring out the tears of helplessness. Because they couldn’t stop him from taking her. They couldn’t stop then from pulling her from the house.

“Mom, can you get them today?” and there was no hiding the panic in her voice. But she couldn’t hear the answer because Tris was back in the room. She was back in the room in the clothes she had arrived in on Friday night. She wasn’t carrying the backpack Octavia had given her. She wasn't carrying any of the clothes that the girls had given her. It was as if she hadn’t lived there for the last few days.

“This is all I have,” she whispered, the tears track down her face dried and the hollow look of defeat in her eyes.

Cage looked her over. Waving his hand in the air, he said, “Not to be concerned with Durango will give you everything you need until your hearing.” The girl’s eyes shot up to him and her face paled. “Well you didn’t expect there to be consequences for running away?”

Clarke is yelling then, and Levi is screaming, “Mom, I need those fucking results.”

 _“Clarke, I’ll see what I can do,”_ and the line went dead. Clarke looked to Lexa but they had moved. They had moved and had their phone to their ear, as they were pulling the now trembling Tris into them. Holding the girl as they spoke into their own phone. “Ryder. I need you at the house now.”

Wallace was approaching them, but then he tripped. He tripped on Raven’s crutch, and Raven looked down at the man holding his face. His nose bleeding. Apparently he knew what Lexa didn’t that wrists break when one tries to catch themself. But at the same point, he didn’t know that noses would break if they hit a hard wood floor.

“Damn it,” he hissed, holding his face.

Raven’s eyes were wide and she said, “Sorry dude, but I am like paralyzed, you have to watch out my crutches.”

Ryder was in the kitchen then. His hand under the man’s arm and pulling him up. He is looking around and seeing Tris crying. He is seeing the Lexa trying to comfort her. He is seeing Clarke breaking down.

“What’s going on?” he asks and Octavia bounces over to him with Levi still screaming in her arms.

“He is trying to take Tris to Durango, because Mom and Nontu are not a heterosexual couple,” the girl explains, and Ryder’s grip increases around Cage’s arm. He is visible flustered and struggling between being a cop in uniform and a big brother and uncle.

But then the phone is ringing then.

The phone is ringing and the chaos is ensuing.

The phone is ringing and it’s Abby’s name on the screen.

And there is a flash of hope that courses through Clarke. It is brief but enough to have her sliding her across the screen. The flash turns to a spark as she hears Abby’s voice.

_“Stall. It will take four hours.”_

Clarke swallowed, and looked at Cage’s face. His blood covered his lips and chin, and was dripping on her hardwood floors. On the hardwood floors that Lexa had laid for her in the house that her family had built for her. For her and Levi. For the Trikru-Griffins.

And God damn it Tris was a fucking Trikru-Griffin.

_Four hours. Stall for four hours._

No place better to stall than in the Emergency Room because given the right motivation nurses and doctors in the ER can take FOREVER.

She was loud and everyone’s head snapped to her as she explained. “Thank you, Mom. Yes, Mr. Wallace tripped over Raven’s crutch and it appears his nose it broken. Ryder will be taking him to meet with you and since Tris is technically in his custody, she will be with him as well. But Lexa and I will be joining them.”

 


	25. Author's note

To the anon douche on tumblr that feels I don't post enough:

I felt I needed a broader audience to post this and explain a few things. 

First, I post the combination of more updates and more words than anyone writing clexa pieces right now on a weekly basis.

Second, I teach as a full time high school teacher as my day job. I teach two college classes at night. I tutor for a foster agency on Saturdays and I run a household. You're lucky I post as often as I do with my schedule. 

Third, when I felt I was going to miss a day I apologized to you for messing up your routine, when the service that I provide to you is for FREE! 

I make it a point to believe everyone has a good side, but you were a dick to me and I'm not taking your fucking shit. So please be known. I love talking to my readers, but telling  me to hurry up and post makes me want to qulit posting. 

Basically, I am asking that people show a little more courteousy when you think you're being cute and funny. Because honestly I work my ass off for you all. My family doesn't read this. I write this for me and you, and if people want to be jackasses, then I can write just for me.

Best wishes,

Lux

Also, this is not a cry for attention or leave me kudos. This is: I am fucking pissed and people need to know.


	26. Sometimes one must say goodbye...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I have like 30 more essays to grade, but I wanted to give you all something. Sorry that all I could get out was 2800 words. I think its a record too, like 2 hours. But I have to submit grades tonight, so now I need to go fail some teens. 
> 
> Also to those that asked, I posted something that you will only be able to find under my name. It is to fulfill the many requests concerning where I get my ideas from. I think I named it "Where Open Doors Come From"
> 
> Oh yeah, I didn't edit this. Sorry have to grade.

**~Raven~**

The teens had stayed at the house, while everyone else left for the hospital. Octavia and Raven were in the kitchen staring at the dick on the floor. No one had paid much attention to it once Wallace was bleeding all over the floor, but now it was just the two girls and the infant, and neither of them wanted to touch it.

“Someone has to pick it up,” Octavia stated bluntly, but she didn’t move. Raven swallowed harshly because there was no way in hell she was touching her parent’s sex toy.

“You were the first kid,” she said after a minute.

“You’re older.”

“I can’t hold it and crutch.”

But Octavia followed with the forbidden topic. “You had your mouth around Mom’s tits and your hands all over her.”

Raven’s mouth fell open. Making out with Clarke for a few days before they were mother-daughter did not make her the dick picker upper. She turned back to Octavia, and smiled, “I’ll pay you.”

But Octavia just smiled, and said, “We both have accounts where Mom and Nontu put money for us. Plus, if I want money, I just have to ask.”

“Dishes for a week,” Raven tried again.

“Trash for a month,” Octavia counter, trying to convince her sister to do it.

The door opened though, and there were little feet running into the house, along with squeals of laughter. “Octavia!” the voice called, and the younger of the two teens moved fast.

With baby in one hand and retrieved cock in two fingers of the others, she hissed, “What do I do with it?” However, she didn’t have time because the cousins were almost in the kitchen. They were just steps away, so Octavia turned and chucked the silicon toy at the kitchen sink. Raven held her hand up to her mouth to stifle her laugher as Alexi rammed her small body into Octavia’s legs. Her arms wrapped around her idol and she smiled up broadly.

“Can we play dress up?”

Luna’s mom voice cut off Octavia’s opportunity to answer, as she waddled her pregnant body into the rear of the house, “Mija, tienes deberes de lectura.”

Alexi’s face fell, and her little lower lip extended. The face was almost irresistible, and she was the ‘dress-up’ type of girl she would have been incapable of saying no.  “Mami, tengo que hacerlos esta noche?” Raven smiled, remembering how just last year Alexi was motherless just as she had been. But the eight year old had taken to the small dark haired Latina and the new brother easily, making the transition for the teen’s uncle easy.

And tonight, Luna was in full mommy mode. Luna’s eyes were stern, and her lips tight. There was no need for words. The answer was no, she would not be allowed skip her practiced reading time for the night. The girl nodded, and moved to the front of the house, where Clarke kept two shelves of children’s books for the niece and nephew when they came to visit. She wasn’t gone long, but long enough for Luna to explain their presence.

“Clarke called and said you all had quite an evening and could use some family and dinner.”

_Of course Mom is worried about us._

Luna moved in the kitchen and Octavia took one look at Raven before leaving the room in four giant steps to follow Alexi. Raven wanted to leave, but there was no way she would be able to escape the room fast enough. So she sat down at the table, her balancing leg tired from balancing on it for so long. As she sat, she watched Luna make her way to the fridge and then towards the sink.

The teen sucked in her lips and waited. She didn’t have to wait long. Luna made it to the sink, and stood still for several moments. Slowly the woman turned, her face quirked in bewilderment. She took several steps away from the sink, and leaned her body against the island. Raven was worried for a moment that she would be sent into early labor, probably not having much experience for rubber phallic shaped objects lying in the kitchen sink, or anywhere for that matter.

Luna opened her mouth, but shut it again. This took place several times over the course of the minute. Raven wasn’t going to acknowledge what Luna had seen, and Luna was not sure how to put to words what she had seen.

“Por que hay una polla en le lavaplatos?” the woman finally asked, and Raven fought back the urge to laugh. Instead, she stared blankly at her tia.

“There’s a dick in the sink?”

“Si, Raven,” Luna stated, her hand pointing to the sink a few feet away. “But why is there a dick in the sink?”

Raven shrugged, and stood on her crutches. She simply stated, “It fell out of Mom’s purse.” Without casting another look at Luna, she crutched out of the room and down to her room. The crutched clicked on the floor, making her recognize that stealth would never again be something she was capable of.

When she made it to her room, she took the final few limped steps and landed with a thud on her bed. She had homework too. She owed Anya an essay and Jasper a lab report, but she didn't want to do it. She had too much else on her mind. That’s not true, she had one thing on her mind. One person if she really wanted to be precise.

 

_It was the anniversary that they had met. They hadn’t been a thing yet, but Octavia and Lincoln always did cute shit for all of these dates, and she thought why the fuck not. Her freckle faced boyfriend had been working his ass off to pass his midterms, and it was the first day of his spring break._

_Clarke loaned her the Prius, and she made her way to campus with a pack of home cooked enchiladas that Luna had helped her make the day before. Living in a fraternity house left Bellamy without home cooked meals, and she thought this would be a fantastic way to surprise him. But when she arrived, she found the house humming with activity. The walls shaking with the bass of the music, and red solo cups decorating the lawn, the porch railings, and every surface of furniture within. She waved to a few of the Bellamy’s brothers that she had grown familiar with._

_Miller was the first that tried to stop her. She could smell the alcohol on his breath, but his eyes were not pink and glassy yet. He blocked her way towards the back of the house where Bellamy usually congregated during his time._

_“Ray! You want a drink?” he asked taking her arm and trying to pull her towards the keg permanently located within the kitchen._

_She tried to shake off his grip, but he was holding steady. That was the only clue she needed to know that her boyfriend was doing something that this douche was trying to protect him from her finding out. “Let go of me, Miller,” she snapped, tearing her arm from his fingers._

_He went to touch her again, but haulted when her eyes stared him down. She watched his Adam’s apple rise and fall. It was over dramatic, which means it was bad. Bellamy was fucking up, and he knew that she was about to find out and lose her shit._

_“Raven, just chill here for a minute,” he tried again, but she was already back in the hall and almost to the doorway._

_She expected to see a blonde sorority bitch dancing on his lap._

_She expected to see his tongue down some bitch’s throat looking for oxygen._

_She expected to see the boy she had given a chance to cheating on her with someone more._

_That’s not what she found though._

_Instead he was sitting in a circle with his other bromances. They were laid back, red solo cups in hands. They were laughing, and shooting the shit. But then she saw what Miller had tried to protect her from._

_She saw her man take the small glass pipe from the dick next to him. She saw him bring it to his lips and light the small torch flame below the bulbous end. She saw his cheeks suck in as he inhaled the white smoke, and the powder turn black._

_His eyes closed and he leaned back again in his chair, holding in the toxin. Holding it in like this would free him. Holding it in like he could escape his dead mother, abused sister, and teenage girlfriend all with one puff._

_He didn’t get a chance to exhale his escape though. He didn’t get the chance because her fist had collided with his freckled cheek. The cheek that she had kissed eye little mark to show him. To show him that she loved him. She had tried to love him._

_But he didn’t love her._

_She knew that he would love the powder._

_He would love the powder more that he would ever love her._

_She knew that it would become more important, that it was his love._

_She knew then that he would trade her for that powder._

_He would trade her just like her mother had traded her._

_She knew that powder was his new life._

_He had chased after her. He had chased her like a dog as she trailed away with his favorite toy. Because that’s all she had been. A new toy. He was just like the counselor who had given her a bed to sleep in. Finn had offered her kindness and she offered him sex. Bellamy had offered her kindness and she had offered him sex._

_He had taken what she gave him._

_He had let her lead the way completely._

_He had repeated the benefits of her feeling safe._

_But he was begging now. He was begging and he was on his knees blocking the door to the white car. He was blocking her so she couldn’t run away. But he was high. He was high and she needed to get away._

_Her blood thumped in her ears, fading out his words. Drowning the waves of sound as her emotions broke and surged under her skin, threatening to break the damn. But she didn’t break. She didn’t break, because she broke his nose instead._

_She broke his nose with her fist and then kicked him in the gut. She kicked him and watched him cry, his face red begging her to just listen to him. Begging her to understand that he could be better._

_“You selfish fucking prick!” she screamed at him. Her screaming brings out an audience, but she doesn’t notice at first. “Eres una mierda, cabrón, maldito bastardo, hijo de puta, cerdo imbecil, huevón, gillipollas.” She spit her words at him, as her hand collapsed against the side of his face._

_“Raven… Baby… Baby, I promise it wasn’t what it looked like,” he stated, a hand up in surrender, the other pushing himself back up to be kneeling in front of her. His face was bloody, but it didn’t matter to her. He deserved to bleed. He deserved to bleed the toxin from his blood stream._

_“Now you’re going to fucking lie to me, you pinche cabrón!”She growled, and smacked him again. The sound was sickening, and she knew that her actions would not make Lexa or Clarke proud of her, but in this moment she wasn’t proud of herself. She had him._

_Chosen to love him._

_Chosen to give herself to him._

_Chosen to trust him with her heart._

_“Raven, I wasn’t thinking. I wasn’t thinking, and I just want to see what it was like,” he said. But she knew it was another lie. She had been around druggies her whole life. It was never just one hit. It was never just one and done._

_“It will never happen again,” he said._

_She knew it was a lie._

_“I love you and I fucked up,” he admitted._

_She knew it was bullshit._

_“I won’t touch it again,” he promised._

_She knew; she knew._

_She knew and she gave him a chance. Trikru-Griffins’ believe in second chances. Because they make mistakes, and he made a mistake. He made a mistake and she was more important to him than to do it again._

 

Raven wiped away the tear that snuck out from the corner of her eye. She wiped it before it could again try to wash away the pain. She wanted to feel the pain of Bellamy. She wanted to feel it, so she wouldn’t forget this.

She wanted to feel it burn inside. The burn making up for the part of her she can’t feel anymore. The burn of lost love.

Druggies had torn apart her life.

Druggies had cheated her of the good.

Druggies had broken her ability to trust.

She knew that he had chosen the powder of her. He had chosen probably to scared to face her in the hospital. Too scared to accept that her future would be different. He had promised her he wanted it to work, but he didn’t want it enough. Because he wanted the release of life more.

He left Octavia, and hid in the baggy. It had taken her sister months to tell her that was why he disappeared. Her sister had told her she was good for him. That he loved her enough to be clean. That he loved her enough to fight the urge to hide.

He hadn’t though.

She pulled the phone from her pocket. The rubber case was dense, making the phone seem bigger than it was. It was needed though. Really it was required after she broke the third on and Lexa told her, _You put the case on and leave it or you don’t get a new one._

She put the case on it. She put the case on because Lexa used the Nontu voice, and quite frankly Raven would never say no to the Nontu voice. Not even playfully. No the voice was the law. Even Clarke didn’t mess with the Nontu voice, but then Raven figured it was the Commander voice. Either way, the phone had a case, and Raven had it in her hands.

It took her several tries, and she had to wipe the sweat from her palms multiple times. She rubbed them on the bed, and tried to type again.

She hadn’t hit send yet. She was rereading the message. Trying to make sure there would be no mistaking it.

Raven jumped a little when Octavia’s voice broke the silence in the room. Her sister had not lost her stealth ability, and it kinda irked the girl. “Tia says dinner is almost ready.”

Raven cocked an eyebrow and asked, “What did she do with the penis?”

Octavia grimaced, “Don’t call it a penis, like it’s all normal and shit. Mom dropped a dong on the kitchen counter. There is nothing normal about that.”

Raven laughed then. Laughed hard, because she hadn’t told Luna that. And Luna had made them dinner.

“I’m not eating dinner,” Raven stated shaking her head.

“Wh-?” and then the light bulb hit. Octavia was running back down the hall calling, “Tia! Tia, we want to order pizza.”

Luna’s voice was annoyed with pregnancy and hunger, “No! I cooked you dinner.”

Octavia’s words were soft as they flowed down the hall back “Mom, dumped her purse on the counter.”

That was all that needed to be said. Raven could see Luna’s face coming to the realization. Could see the color drain from her tanned skin as she processed that the dick had been in Clarke’s purse. That Clarke had dumped her purse on the counter. That she had found it in the sink.

“¿Estás jodiendome?” The latina’s voice hissed, “Get your sister.”

Raven smiled, but it fell when she looked at her phone. She hadn’t been paying attention. She hadn’t noticed her finger touching the screen. She hadn’t noticed that she had hit send.

Her text was blue, against the white background.

“When I was 10 years old, I ran away from home. I thought I was older, but I was 10. At 10 my mother knew some bastard would pay to take my virginity. Would pay her debt to fuck a little girl. I ran and took my life into my own hands. I wanted to give you that. I wanted to trust my life to you. But my life has changed. My life has changed and I am sure when you got the call about how much my life has changed that you returned to your true love. I hope that it was worth it. My mother thought so.”

She held her breath as the checkmark appeared and along with the word delivered. She held it longer when the word was replaced with read.

She held it when the ellipse showed him typing.

She exhaled when it disappeared.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mija, tienes deberes de lectura.- Something like daughter you have to do your homework  
> Mami, tengo que hacerlos esta noche - Mom, do I have to do it tonight?  
> Por que hay una polla en le lavaplatos?- why is there a dick in the sink?  
> Eres una mierda, cabrón, maldito bastardo, hijo de puta, cerdo imbecil, huevón, gillipollas.- A whole lot of curse works thanks to Natali!  
> ¿Estás jodiendome?- Something like "are you fucking kidding me?"


	27. Letting go is never easy...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short but I had some time.

**~Lexa~**

Clarke and Lexa had been waiting in the Emergency Room with a silent Tris and irritated Cage Wallace for at least an hour. It turns out that Clarke’s plan to stall in the hospital was very effective. They had watched two ambulances come in, and a spring storm had rolled in from the east, shaking the window with each roll of thunder. Lexa’s good hand was intertwined with their wife’s. They ran their thumb over her pale soft flesh, marveling that she was theirs.

Lexa turned to their left and took in the girl. Her shoulders were slumped, allowing her hair to fall in front of her face. Lexa could only imagine the thoughts playing through the teen’s head. It was overwhelming for them just to imagine what it meant to be pulled to one place after another. At least in their life, they had control over when they left. They stayed their welcome, then moved on.

For Tris is wasn’t like that though. They had chosen her. Clarke has chosen her. Even the snarky teens at home had chosen her. And they liked to think that she had chosen them. But Tris didn’t have a say because she was a kid in the system that hadn’t played by Cage Wallace’s rules. A kid in the system with potential parents that will never play by Cage Wallace’s rules.

He groaned then. The milky flesh under his eyes was already turning a shade of purple and grey, and Lexa knew they shouldn’t feel satisfied about it, but they did; and they had to turn away from the man to hide their smirk.

Their casted arm was across the girl’s small shoulders, before they realized that they had turned into her. But now they were holding her, just as they would if it were one of their girls.

_“If we keep her, then we keep her, Lexa,” Clarke had stated the night before. Clarke had stated the same terms over and over again; that she would not give the girl a room in their home, tell her she could stay there, if they weren’t going to pursue adoption._

_Lexa had nodded in understanding, even though, the woman was not facing them. They nodded, but they still weren’t sure. They weren’t sure, because they had their family. Their family with their girls and little Levi, and they were each perfect with all their quirks. But what if Tris disturbed that flow. That well-oiled machine that had been built from spare parts of other families. Did they need another part for this engine to run smoothly, or with the addition just throw them all off._

_They wrung their hands, and walked the length of the room to where Clarke stood naked before the mirror examining her body. Her fingers were tracing over the red and purple angry marks running verticly up her sides, where her skin had stretched to protect their child._

_When they approached, Lexa placed their hands on the bare hips, and looked over the front of Clarke’s body. Pregnancy had changed her body. Had changed her in the most beautiful ways. Her breasts were even fuller, and her skin glowed. Her hair was silky. They loved the way her hips had become fuller, and her body had provide for them even as a premature infant a healthy, and happy child, but they knew that she worried about the physicality of motherhood. Her self-esteem linked to their darkened eyes and commanding voice, and that they would spend the rest of their life trying to prove to their wife that she was beautiful._

_They could see her self-disapproval in the way her eyes lingered on the stretched skin that had not returned to the flat surface she was used to. The subject of Tris was not dropped, but Clarke’s focus shifted with her eyes, to the still healing scar on the lower region of her stomach. The line sealing itself did not appear angry any longer. Neither of them touched it, but their eyes probed it harshly. “I don’t… want to do it again, Lex,” she admitted quietly; her voice hitched in the middle. Lexa understood though._

_They understood that Clarke wanted them to be satisfied with Levi._

_They understood that Clarke wanted more children._

_They understood that Clarke wanted Tris._

_They understood that Clarke wanted them to choose._

_They understood that Clarke wanted them to be satisfied with Tris._

_Lexa didn’t pause long as they weighted all of these understanding that built upon each other. And they were, to their own surprise okay with Clarke’s decision. Gradually though they realized that their feelings about more infants was linked to watching their lifeless wife’s form pulled from the bed by electricity to awaken her heart. That they had watched her die, because they had wanted a baby with her._

_Levi was enough._

_Raven was enough._

_Octavia was enough._

_So the question was: is Tris was too much?_

_“Everything will change,” they said. That was the fact. They hated change, and Tris was another change in a house with so much change already. Their fingers running in soothing circles over the slight bulge of bone on each of her hips._

_Clarke’s finger traced one of the purplish red marks. She made the length, and then confirmed, “It already has.”_

_Life had changed so much in just a year. A year since they had bolted from a Starbucks’ parking lot because they knew she was it for them. A year since they fell in love with being a parent to two girls that needed no one, but needed them._

_A year._

_…A year._

_… A year?_

_“Clarke.”_

_The woman hummed in response and leaned back into them. Their hands came up and locked under her heavy bust. They hoped to relieve some stress from her back, but who were they kidding, they finger came up to rub gently over her nipples._

_They felt her body shiver and then relax into their touch. They continued their ministrations, and loved the way their wife’s body responded immediately to their touch._

_“Clarke,” they said again, because she had lost focus on them._

_“Uh…” but it wasn’t an acknowledgement of anything more than being touched._

_“Clarke,” they said again, and this time withdrew their hands._

_The blue eyes shot open, and locked with the green shiney irises in the mirror. Her body shifted in their arms and she pressed her purple ass into them. They loved the way she would beg for attention._

_“Happy Aniversary, Clarke,” they said, holding her gaze._ _Clarke’s eyes squinted and they could see her processing. They could see her brain working to determine how this day could be an anniversary. But her eyes grew, and then they crinkled into a smile._

_“The tournament,” she answered, and Lexa nodded. Because a year ago on this date, Octavia had played in the High School State Championships. Octavia had left with the team, and Clarke’s car refused to start. Octavia left, Clarke was stuck, and Lexa was there to rescue their love. Octavia and Clarke had shared pie with them that ngiht, and they said they would be a family. Octavia and Clarke had reassured them all that there was no way they would give up their love for each other, even as their family grew._

_“I told Octavia I wanted to be her parent,” they say._

_“I promised her that even if we had more kids, I would love her,” she added._

_“We survived Ray. We survived Abby. We survived Levi. We will survive Tris,” they continue._

_“Lexa, we did more than survive. We have lived... lived well,” she tells them._

_“We can show her how… How to live,” they say._

Lexa’s eyes run over the girl again. Run over her hair that blocked away almost everything else. They wondered if she would let them teach her how to manage curls like they both had. True Clarke’s hair curled as well, but the blond locks were thinner and more delicate waves. Their hair was kinked and bounced when the right product was added, just like the girl's would. It would twist into large cylinders if not managed properly, just like the girl's was doing. Making a tangled mess. There wasn’t one size of curl, or one direction, they were just curls and waves and frizz.

They breathed in Raven, when they smelled the teen. Their feisty daughter, that could help this girl find her spark. They gradually became aware that the girl under their arm was barely breathing, and Lexa realized that she may be uncomfortable with them touching her.

Slowly, they went to pull their arm away, but the girl leaned into them. Leaned in close, so that their face was in the wild tresses again and all they could breathe in was Raven and now Tris. A new association for the wild ginger shampoo that their eldest daughter loved and they spoiled her with.

So focused on their examination, Lexa barely registered Tris’ voice, and they knew the words were met only for them. Her hot breath infiltrated their clean air zone that normally they would demand Clarke respect. But this was the kid that was terrified of everything that moved, yet she was letting them hold her in this moment. So quietly, like soft waves, her voice flowed to their ears, “I want to feel that you are real.”

Lexa didn’t know what to say. There were no words that could comfort this child if that DNA test was wrong. If Diana Sydney had lied about Charlotte’s paternity, then there was a chance, after Cage’s nose was pushed back into place, they would spend months trying to get in custody of the girl. And by then…

_No! She looks just like you._

They repeated it to themself.

_She is guarded like you._ _  
_

Repeated it because they needed to believe that in three hours, Abby would have answers for them.

_She is part of you._

Abby would be telling them at Tris was their neice.

 _She is my neice_.

And then it clicked.

…It clicked like someone flipped the switch.

    …Flipped the switch to the realization that they had had a sister.

…Had a sister, an older sister that was dead.

That was dead. Charlotte.


	28. ... but even when you let go there is hope for tomorrow...

**~Abby~**

The surgeon gave the close over to her resident, and made her way out of the operating room. She had bargained with the desk nurse to hold off on bringing Cage back, until she was ready. Apparently that hadn’t been too difficult after the ambulance brought in two serious injuries, one of which she had taken into the surgery to repair a ruptured spline.

She made the call down to the nurse, and Cage was called back into the next available bed. She washed her hands and splashed the cool water on her face. It had been a long day, and this was surely to be an emotional few hours.

Checking her phone, the time read 7:45. Fifteen minutes until Jackson had promised to have the results.

She needed to buy fifteen more minutes, which really would be slightly difficult when it would take her about three to set his nose.

Abby ran through the various tests she could impose on the man in order to take up the remaining time and give Jackson a little more, as a just in case. When she approached the curtained off bed, she pulled the chart up on her iPad, and scanned through the man’s medical records.

Nothing was out of ordinary, however, one thing stuck out to her. It was his emergency contact. And she realized that it was a chance worth taking.

Pushing back the curtain, she smiled at the blood covered man, and introduced herself, “Hello, Mr. Wallace, I am Dr. Griffin.”

He grunted in response, and she returned her focus to the chart. “Well Mr. Wallace, I would like to get an x-ray of your nose, before I set it back in place. That way we can be sure there is no damage beyond the displacement.”

He didn’t respond, just nodded in annoyance. She left the curtained area, and placed her orders with the nurse. Before leaving, she asked, “How long with the x-ray take?”

The nurse clicked a few buttons and said, “Twenty minutes probably. They are kinda backed up.” Abby nodded, and made her way out to the waiting room.

Her kids were not hard to find, with the large bulky cop standing awkwardly next to the young girl wrapped in Lexa’s arms. When she approached, she was immediately embraced by Clarke uttering thank you after thank you.

Abby held Clarke, relishing in her daughter’s warmth. It was still rare that Clarke allowed her to holder. If there was one thing her daughter was capable of, it was holding a grudge. Slowly, she pulled away from her daughter, and looked at her other child and the girl they were protecting with their body alone.

“I have a strange question, but what was the name of the judge that finalized the girl’s adoption?”

Lexa answered, “Dante Wallace.”

“Wallace? Are you sure?” Clarke asked her partner, and shifted her attention between Lexa and Abby. Lexa nodded.

Abby smiled, as she stated, “That’s what I thought.”

She checked her watch. _Ten minutes._

**~Charles~**

The house was still quiet. Charles paced the living room, awaiting for Lidia’s return. He knew that Clarke and Lexa were meeting with the social worker about Tris. He was still processing this other life he could have had, and really had failed to make any move to help his possible granddaughter.

He would be lying if he denied his personal self hatred for failing the girl. But Charles also couldn’t help but justify that Clarke and Lexa were better for her than he would ever be. After all he had failed Lexa. Then failed Ryder. Now there was a woman that had died because he had failed to be a father to her.

The front door opened then, and he heard the sound of his wife’s low heals and the sound of her suitcase wheels trailing behind her. She was in the doorway of the living room within moment, a smile across her face.

“Charles, darling,” she said moving to embrace him. She seemed lighter and excited to tell him of her trip. He had disapproved of her spending her time with the people that harbored hatred for Lexa, but after twenty-nine years of marriage he knew there was no change his wife or her beliefs. The most he could ask was for civility when she was with their family and respect for Lexa and their family.

He hugged his wife and held her longer than he should have. He held her long enough to notify her that something was wrong, but then he didn’t care. He didn’t care because he knew there was a chance she would not hug him again.

Her voice was concerned, as she asked, “Charles, what’s wrong? Is the baby okay?”

He nodded into her fluffy hair that resembled a brown football helmet. Charles choked as he began to talk, “There has been a lot to happen though.”

“You are scaring me,” she stated, pushing out of his arms.

He didn’t let go though, instead moving to sit with her on the couch. He held her hands. She had been gone on a retreat without her phone. Two weeks of radio silence, and so much had happened.

She ran her delicate fingers over his cheek, “What’s wrong, dear?”

Charles looked in her hazel eyes, and saw her worry. He had seen it for most of their relationship, but this last year had been better. They had gotten to know each other again.

He didn’t know where to start, so he chose the beginning. Well not really the beginning, but the beginning of the angst that had challenged the family.

“Lidia, there was an accident.”

**~Clarke~**

Clarke watched as Lexa paced the small sectioned off waiting area. They had been there for more than four hours. They had been in this space for too long, and she could tell that the time was wearing on Lexa’s nerves and body.

They were rubbing at the top of their arm where the cast ended. Clarke realized that they were trying to hide the pain they were in. Hide that their pain medication had worn off hours ago. She could see the small beads of sweat on their temples.

“Lexi?” she said softly, but Lexa just shook their head. She was worried about them, but her attention was pulled away when an old man walked into the lobby and made his way to the information desk.

His white hair was pressed neatly to his head, and his aged skin made him look like a gentile grandfather, and she recognized him immediately. _Dante Wallace._

When the man turned from the desk, he smiled as his eyes locked on her. She had stood and taken Lexa’s hand. They didn’t have the test results yet, but this man knew. Knew that Lexa and her were good parents, no matter their anatomy.

“Clarke,” he said with a gentile smile. “Lexa.”

They both smiled, though Lexa’s was a little forced.

“Judge Wallace,” Clarke greeted the man, releasing Lexa’s hand and hugging the man lightly. Abby appeared then from behind the doors. She held a manila envelope in her hand.

“What are you doing here? Are the girls okay?” Dante asked, a look of concern flashing across his face as he took note of the girl’s absence.

Clarke nodded, “Yes, Octavia and Raven are okay. They are safe at home. We are here because unfortunately I believe the same reason you are.”

Confusion crossed the man’s face. She quickly tried to fill him in on the detail, “We were meeting with Mr. Wallace. I believe he may be your son…” she paused as his expression cleared slightly, but then was replaced with confusion again. She gestured to Tris, “We are trying to get Tris’s placement reassigned from Cottonwood to our home, and Mr. Wallace is her case worker.”

“That is fantastic, Clarke,” Dante said, a smile spreading over his face. He looked at Tris that was watching him carefully. “They will make amazing parents for you, my dear.”

Clarke smiled and felt Lexa’s arm wrap around her and pull her into them. They were trembling next to her, and she held their hand again, trying to sooth away their stress. But she knew it was pointless because they were in pain and they were worried about the girl.

“He won’t let me stay,” the girl said quietly, and Clarke could see the tears welling in her eyes. Lexa released Clarke then, and went over to Tris. They placed a hand on her shoulder, and squeezed gently. The gesture was meant to comfort her, but it had the opposite effect. The tears fell slowly, rolling down her cheeks as her green eyes stared up at the man.

The man looked from the girl to Clarke. Carefully he said, “I don’t understand. Why would Cage not approv-“ but he stopped talking. He stopped talking and Clarke could tell he had realized his son’s prejudice would stop him from permitting Tri’s placement. “He is his mother’s son,” Dante said, shaking his head.

“Are you really a judge?”

He looked back to Tris, and she was still silently crying as she waited for him to answer. He nodded to her, “Yes, child. I am.”

**~Tris~**

_He said I had to wait until my hearing. That my fate was with the judge. And he’s a judge._

She looked the man over. The man that had told Octavia and Raven that they could live with Clarke and Lexa. He was standing before her, and he looked sorry. He looked sorry that his son had told her she had to leave the Trikru-Griffin house.

“He said I had to save it for the judge,” she said, her eyes begging him. Begging him to be her judge.

Dante moved, almost like her eyes commanded him, and he sat beside her. He sat patiently.

_This is your chance._

She swallowed and brushed away her tears. Her hand ran over her face and she sat up straighter. She could do this. She could, couldn’t she? Her nerves began to get to her though and her words were failing her.

But Lexa squeezed her shoulder, and she looked up to see her eyes looking back at her. They nodded to her, and she felt their belief in her. She nodded back, because that is what Trikru’s did. They nodded, and stood up for themselves. And she could be a Trikru. If she did this right, she could be a Trikru-Griffin.

Because they had said they wanted to adopt her.

They had said they would keep her.

They said she was theirs.

She reached into her pocket and handed the folded, tattered paper to the man. She watched as he unfolded the paper and read over it. His eyes glanced over and her and then up at Lexa. His mouth opened, but he didn’t say anything. Returning his eyes to the paper, he read it again.

“My father didn’t know,” Lexa stated. “We are waiting on the DNA results to determine if we stand a fighting chance.”

Judge Wallace looked back at the girl. Tris bit into her lip, feeling it break the skin, she sucked on the blood. He was waiting for her.

Taking a deep breath, she began, “I ran away from Cottonwood. I wanted to find Charles Trikru, and I heard of Trikru. I tricked Octavia into taking me home… well Raven brought me home. And I got to meet him. I got to meet my grandfather.”

She stopped for a minute.

_What if he is not my grandfather?_

_What if he is not mine?_

_What if I’m not who they want?_

_What if I’m nobody?_

All the thoughts hit her hard, and she choked, but she started speaking again, “I hope he is my grandfather. I hope he is because then Trikru will maybe be my Nontu. And maybe Griffin will want me to call her mom too, just like Raven and Octavia do.”

Clarke’s voice cut her off there, “I want you to call me Mom, Tris. No matter what the test says. And Lexa wants to be your Nontu.”

Dante’s eyes were on Clarke and then on Lexa, and when Tris looked up, she saw that Lexa was crying to. They were trying not to but they were crying, and their eyes said they wanted her.

Her tears flowed harder then, and she tried to get her story out, but she started choking on her words, “But he… I couldn’t stay… I broke the law… Durango… he… away… couldn’t go back…”

Tris was crying to hard now, and Clarke had pulled her into her chest. She pressed her face into Clarke’s shoulder, and let the blonde’s shirt absorb her tears and the snot running from her nose.

With her face buried, she couldn’t see Dante’s hands shaking, or the way he looked at Clarke with so much sadness. Carefully he asked, “So which of your girl’s broke his nose?”

Lexa’s head fell, and they said, “He tripped on Raven’s crutch.”

“Crutch?”

Lexa nodded to him. They explained, “Clarke and the girls were in an accident, Levi was born early and Raven was hurt. She is adjusting but she had lost feeling in her leg. She is learning to walk again right now, and she is using crutches…”

His eyes were sorry. He absorbed the information that they were giving him. That their family was tattered and yet still trying to open its doors to this girl that could be theirs, even if she wasn't.

Tris didn’t hear his words, not at first. Her heart was beating too hard. She didn’t really know what he said, but Clarke was holding her tighter. Holding her tighter and telling her that everything was okay. That she could come home.

**~Lexa~**

Dante’s voice was soft, as he whispered, “Take the girl home.”

They looked him over, searching for any sign that this was a phony deal. That they would get Tris home, only for someone to come and tear her from them again. Lexa couldn’t handle that. They had already lost a sister that day. They couldn’t handle losing her daughter now also.

Clarke was holding Tris, and part of them was grateful the kid was wiping her snot on Clarke and not on them, but they felt guilty that they hadn’t been the one to comfort her. They should have protected her, but they could only stand by.

“We get to go home, Tris,” Clarke was telling her the girl, but she was still crying. And they realized that she was crying so hard she hadn’t heard the judge.

“Sir,” Lexa said. Dante’s soft blue eyes looked to them, and they said, “We can’t do that for someone to just take her away again.”

Dante shook his head. He shook his head, and said, “No matter what that test says, if you want to provide for this girl, then I will sign the paperwork. She is yours, just like your other two beautiful girls.”

Lexa didn’t know what come over them. Maybe it was the pain making them delusional, but they moved the three steps to Dante Wallace and pulled the fragile man into their arms. They held him as they should have held the child. In an embrace of gratitude; happiness that this man trusted them to be the parent they knew they could be. The parent that they were to the teens. The parent that they were to Levi; even though, they bribed Clarke with sex to get out of diapers.

“Thank you,” they said, pulling back realizing that they had hugged the man; the man of the son whose was in the emergency room because Raven broke his nose. They added, “Also, we will pay for Mr. Wallace’s medical bill. I am sorry he tripped, and we would be more than willing to take care of the bill.”

But Dante waved his hand to the suggestion. He smiled, “Nonsense. By the sounds of it, my son deserved a little justice for the way he treated you and your family.”

“Family is the accurate word,” Abby stated. Lexa glanced at Clarke and then to their mother-in-law. Abby held up the envelope, and waved it lightly. “Tris Washington’s DNA shows enough cross over with Lexa’s to determine that they are in fact family.”

Their chest lightened momentarily, because they could take Tris home and no one could take her away.

But the joy lasted only for a moment.

Ryder’s hands were on them then, and they turned into him. They turned and pressed their face into his shoulder. No tears feel this time. They just held each other. Held each other because they had each other. They had each other, and there had been another. There had been another one of them. A third Trikru that they had never met.

They looked up at Ryder, who looked down at them. His voice was soft, as he said, “I bet she looked like you.”

And they nodded. They nodded because she probably had looked like them. She probably had been beautiful just like her daughter. Beautiful and stolen from them.

When they released each other, they turned to the girl that was staring at them. Staring up with a flushed face that made their green eyes more vibrant. There were large and hopeful. And they looked at their brother again. Looked at him and he at them. And they both found the hope buried within the other.

Hope for a better tomorrow.

Hope for their family.

Hope for Tris.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that I have broken you some go read my short's fluffy happiness:
> 
> http://archiveofourown.org/chapters/11759429?show_comments=true&view_full_work=false#comment_42860438


	29. there will be struggles... and your hope will be tested...

**~Tris~**

_I’m theirs._

_I’m a Trikru._

_I’m more than him._

_I’m not alone_

_I’m theirs._

**~Charles~**

“Everything was just happening,” he explained. “Clarke was fine, but then she wasn’t. The baby’s cord… Levi’s cord wrapped around their neck.”

Lidia’s eyes were welling, and she was waiting from him to tell her that something happened to Clarke or the girls. He knew Lidia was partial to Raven, the teen whose heart was bigger than her body.

How does he tell her that her favorite granddaughter was struggling to walk again? How does he tell her that Clarke died on the table when the baby was born?

How does he tell her of the girl… the girl that died on the floor?

How does he tell her of the girl’s daughter at Lexa’s?

Charles didn’t realize that he had stopped speaking to think over all the other things he needed to tell her. She reminded him though that she was there. She reminded him with strangled curt words of agony. “Charles, is Levi?”

He nodded again, just barely, but she breathed out in relief, only for the tears to fall, as she asked, “Clarke… did she?”

He pulled his wife into him again. He whispered, “Clarke is alive… She died for a minute… but she is alive. Lexa is fine, she-they weren’t in the car with the others.”

Lidia pushed at her husband, and looked at him, “Raven? Octavia?”

“Octavia is fine,” and Lidia choked on her sob. “Raven was hurt. She was hurt badly… but Abby. Abby is amazing. She.. she saved her. But she was hurt.”

“What happened, Charles?”

“Her leg was damaged. No, her spine was damaged and it affected her leg… She has to learn to walk again… But she is so strong. She smiled like it is nothing… she is so much like Lexa,” he sobbed with her. He sobbed his words, and Lidia pressed back into him.

She held him, and said a prayer. Said a pray to comfort herself and thank her deity for saving her favorite granddaughter.

“Lidia, I have more to tell you,” he said. She nodded into his chest and pulled away. She was strong. Being a general’s wife had taught her to be strong. He hoped he could survive the next part of the story.

He stood then. He stood and moved around the table to bare tile floor, where he could walk. He could walk as he told her. As he told her. But the phone rang then. It was his phone, and it was ringing.

He checked the screen and saw that it was Ryder. Ryder was calling him. His son hadn’t called him since that morning. That morning that the girl had told him she had been searching for him.

Charles looked at Lidia, as he slid his finger over the answer button. Bringing the phone up to his ear, he answered, “Hello, son.”

_“She is your granddaughter.”_

Charles didn’t answer.

“ _Lexa and Tris got a DNA test. It was conclusive that she is related to us. And…”_ he could hear his son’s struggle. “ _It means that Charlotte was your daughter.”_

The line went dead. It went dead because Ryder had hung up on him.

His hand dropped and he shook his head. He looked at the questioning look carved into Lidia’s face. Her face was pleading for answers and he knew there was no choice now. There was no way to hide this from her.

If she hadn’t been his granddaughter, then he could pretend it never happened.

If she hadn’t been his granddaughter, then he wouldn’t feel like he failed.

If she hadn’t been his granddaughter, then he didn’t lose a child.

If she hadn’t been his granddaughter, then…

But none of that mattered, because she was his granddaughter. She was an he had denied her when she needed him.

“There’s this girl,” he started.

A word for every step.

He turned, and went back the opposite direction.

“Raven and Octavia brought her home.”

Six words, six steps.

Turn.

“She was in foster care, and she ran away.”

Nine words, nine steps.

Turn.

“She lied. She lied to be there.”

Seven words, seven steps.

Turn.

“Because she was looking for me.”

He didn’t get to turn back, because Lidia stopped him. Not with her body but with her words.

“Charles, are you going to tell me that this girl…” she paused. She paused because saying it may make it true, and neither of them wanted it to be true.

He sucked in his breath, “I am not the girl’s father… I have never been unfaithful to you.”

Lidia sat up straighter. Her tears had dried, and her mask was in place. “Then why was she looking for you, Charles,” the words were cold and calculated.

“Before I met you. Before I left for my tour, I met a girl… A girl. And we were young and I was going to war,” he tried. He tried, but she cut him off. She cut him off and he felt like she was leaving her.

“You had a child, and this girl was hers,” it was a statement not a question. So he nodded.

Her face flushed, and he could see the anger boiling under her skin. Boiling as though her face would fall away to reveal to beast of rage that had been living there since he had told her he was going to leave her if she couldn’t fix things with her children. And now she was going to leave him.

It was one thing to tell her he would leave, but watching her walk out the door. Watching her leave him after all he had sacrificed for her. IT was be too much. Too much, that even having his Lexa back, that even having this new girl in his life couldn’t fix it.

He swallowed, his Adam’s apple rising and falling.

Charles watched as Lidia got to her feet and moved to leave. But he stopped her. He stopped her, by dropping to his knees before him. Humbling himself to her.

“She’s a child. The girl had a daughter and she died. We watched it on the news. The woman whose husband killed her and then himself. The little girl that Ryder was with on the news… I didn’t know. I didn’t know until she was sitting at their table, and she told me.”

Lidia tried to pull away, but he held her. His hands stronger than hers. Hands that killed men. Hands of a warrior. Hands that held her children. Hands that held her.

And they were the hands of failure.

The hands of failure of a father.

Failure of a father.

Father to Charlotte.

Grandfather to the girl.

Head of the tattered Trikru tribe.

“She’s alone. She’s alone and Clarke and Lexa are keeping her. They are keeping her, and there is nothing you or I will do to change their minds… And…And…”

She choked and her tears returned. “They’re… they’re better people than I am.” She pulled her hands away then. She pulled her hands away and left the house. Left him on his knees.

**~Clarke~**

The blonde was hugging Dante Wallace, and thanking him. The old man’s suit was rumbled form all of the affection shown from the family, and she hoped he wasn’t upset by the embraces.

She released him, as a nurse pushed Cage from behind the stainless steal doors. The ruffled man’s blood had been cleaned from his face, but it still covered the neck of his button up. His eyes were wide and dilated. They met the family and then his father.

He pushed his weighed up and stumbled him. Abby gripped his arm to steady him, and cast a sly smile to Clarke.

_Really Mom?_

“Father. Father, be careful. They are dangerous.”

Dante cast an apologetic look to Lexa and Clarke, but Clarke lent him one of equal apology. She knew why Cage would be acting this way, and felt that Abby being a little too generous with this strong painkiller they had given her access too.

“Father, we must protect the people. Must protect the people from the poison,” he said, and Clarke looked over at Abby.

Moving towards her mother, she whispered, “You should notify the company that the drug causes paranoia.”

Abby chuckled lightly and moved to Lexa. Clarke watched as her mother pressed a small cup into their palm and closed it. Then she handed them a bottle of water. “This will help,” she said, and Lexa nodded.

Clarke watched as Lexa threw back the two pills and took a large drink of water. That was the true sign of how much pain Lexa had been in. Lexa hated medication. Hated medication with a passion, but they were eager to down the promised relief.

Lexa met her gaze, and she could see them still trying to fight the pain.

“Lexa, baby, its been a stressful day. Let’s take _our_ girl home.”

Lexa nodded, and Clarke moved forward to take their good arm. They all said their goodbyes, even with Cage’s drugged demands that Tris be placed under protective custody from the savages. Truly his scene may help them if he chooses to fight them in the long run.

Dante waved to them, pulling his son with him. His son that was protesting, but following his father’s instructions.

After hugging her mother, and watching Ryder press his lips to the teen’s head, she positioned herself between her partner and future daughter and guided them wordlessly to the car.

Once everyone was fastened in the car, Clarke drove them back to where her children were waiting. What she didn’t expect to see was the black Lincoln Towncar parked in front of the house.

The black four door, belonging to no one other than Lidia Trikru.

_Why can’t this day just end?_

**~Lexa~**

They sighed when they saw the car. Their head rolled back against the seat, and twisted to see Clarke looking at them. Shifting their eyes, to the dashboard clock they could see the blue glow of the numbers 9:45.

 _Fuck!_ they thought, and then they hissed, “Fuck!”  

The parent in Lexa was raging. It was a school night, and their family needed to be settling down for bed. Beginning a new form of normal. But no. That couldn’t happen. That couldn’t happen because their mother had to show up to end the most stressful weeks of their year.

“Can we check into a hotel?” Lexa asked, and they couldn’t help but smile when Clarke’s eyes widened and they could tell she was thinking it over. But then they watched as her eyes scanned up to the rearview mirror.

They knew they couldn’t just run away. They couldn’t take Tris to a hotel on her first night. They growled and hit their cast to the dash, but regretted it instantly. The pain rushed through their arm and they hissed out an exhale of carbon dioxide.

“Damn it, why does she have to be here now?” they ask, but they don’t need an answer.

The car was quiet since Clarke had turned off the engine. Lexa turned around in their seat and looked back at Tris. The girl sat up. She was sitting tall. Sitting proud. They took note of the way she rubbed her palms over her jeans. It gave away her nervousness.

“So…” Lexa began. They huffed out an annoyed breath. “That car right there,” they gestured to the black sedan, “is my mother’s car.” Tris held her breath, and Lexa could tell she was scared. She was scared of the woman that had Lexa so riled.

Clarke and Lexa shared a moment, before both turning back to Tris. Clarke spoke then, “Tris, if you would like when we get inside you can head straight to your room. You don’t have to see Lidia. We can handle her.”

Tris nodded. Her head hung a little, and Lexa reached back, rubbing their cast on her knee. With only her eyes, the girl looked at Lexa. They said, “Hey, you are not being banished to your room, Tris. If you want to meet my mother, you are more than welcome to… just know…”

“She is going to hate me,” the girl finished Lexa’s sentence.

Lexa rubbed her leg again, pulling the those green eyes back up to theirs, “I’m not going to lie to you. I am pretty sure that my mother hates me on several levels. However, she loves grandchildren. Like she could be a witch of something gathering grandchildren in a fairytale to keep them.”

Tris’ eyes squinted and Lexa felt a slap to their arm. They looked at Clarke who balked at them in disbelief, then scolded them, “Lexa, are you insane.” She landed another swat, and Lexa held up their hands.

Their eyes were hard and they hoped that Clarke could tell that they were going to torture her later if she hit them again. Either she understood and was challenging them or she didn’t care because she swatted them again. This time they caught her hand though and twisted it into them. Pulling their wife in for a bruising kiss that was quick but effective.

They heard a gag from the backseat, and they released their wife to look back at the kid. They smiled, “Get use to it. The girls will tell you we are gross, but I can’t help it. I love her.”

Clarke swatted them again, though and Lexa looked over at her, “What is the problem, Prisa?”

“You associated your mother with a fairy tale witch. Have you ever seen or read a fairy tale? Witches are evil. You just told her to be afraid.” Lexa nodded knowingly, eyes wide and a thin lipped smirk, and Clarke went to hit her again. 

Lexa held up their cast and blocked her though. Their voice dropped and octave and they stated, “Klark, hit me one more time and I will remind you who the boss is.”

Clarke’s neck tilted. She shook her head, and unclipped her seat belt. Tris followed suit, but stopped when Clarke reached over and pushed Lexa’s head towards their own door, and then bolted form her seat and out of the car.

“She just-“ they twisted and looked back at a cautious teen in the back seat. They pointed to the blond with her raised above her head dancing at the bumper of the car. “Did you see? She just-“

“Owed your ass,” Tris supplied.

Lexa turned back and scowled at her. “Traitor.”

Tris shrugged, and pointed at Clarke, “I hear she is the one that cooks. You know what it’s like.”

And Lexa nodded, because they did know what it was like. They would trade anything for a decent meal when they were on the street. “Fine, but can’t you at least to be on my side a little. I mean I am your nontu and all.”

They twisted back when they noticed the girl was not speaking, and then they noticed she was not breathing. Not breathing as they studied her.

“Do you mean it?” she asked. Her voice had lost its playful demeanor, and she was just staring at them.

Lexa swallowed, and stated, “Whether we were going to adopt you or not, it wouldn’t change that you are my niece, and that would still make me your nontu. We couldn’t find another name when Alexi wanted to call me Auntie Lexa,” they cringed at the memory. “So I am just Nontu. Apparently it’s like Number Two. Because that princess will always be number one.”

Tris nodded, and asked, “Can we talk about that sometime? About the no aunt or mom or she or her?”

“Sure, kid,” Lexa said, “but not tonight.”

“I’m gay.” The girl dropped just as they were about to get out of the car. Clarke was leaning against the hood, oblivious to the teen’s announcement.

Lexa turned back to them, and smiled, “I like women also. Well, I love one woman, but females are… pleasing to look at.” They pointed to the blonde, “She’s bi… and the girls… well Raven, I am pretty sure that girl is straight, but I know that Octavia dated-“

“Monroe,” Tris interrupted.

Lexa nodded, “How did you know?”

Tris shrugged again, “I kind of …” and Lexa’s hand went up.

“Nope. Don’t want to know,” Lexa was shaking their head. “I don’t do the sex talk. I don’t do that…” their eyes were shut. “Tell Clarke these things.”

Clarke opened the door then, and asked, “Tell Clarke what things?”

“I’m gay,” Tris said again. “And I think Nontu thinks I was going to tell them that I slept with Monroe, but I didn’t. I’m still a virgin.”

“THANK GOD!” Lexa called out and raised their hands up. It was the second best news they had received that night. “Let’s keep it that way. No GQ prego test buying. No birth control pills. No plan b! Yes! Why can’t all of our girls be gay, Clarke?”

Clarke laughed, and looked back at Tris. She smiled as Lexa did a mini shake dance in the seat. Swatting Lexa again made them settle down, and glare at her. “Prisa! I said-“

“Shove it, Lexi,” Clarke answered, and then turning her attention back to the kid, she said, “Don’t go to Lexa with sex questions. Ask me or my mom. They don’t handle the topic well.”

**~Lidia~**

Raven lay her head in the older woman’s lap, as fingers carded through her hair. Octavia was curled up in the larger armchair, with Levi pressed to her chest. All of her grandchildren were asleep when the front door opened and the old lab moved from her bed quietly to meet her owners.

Lexa came around the corner first and Lidia could tell they were cataloguing the room. It was only a moment later that another girl stood beside them.

Lidia sucked in her breath as her eyes scanned over the girl. Her jeans tattered at the knees and a shirt that was too big. Her arms were too thin, but tanned; tanned like her husband and her children.

She scanned the long scraggly curls that were just a shade lighter than Lexa’s, before looking into the girl’s eyes. They were shaped like Lexa’s, her face only a little fuller.

Lidia closed her eyes and shook her head.

“Mom,” Lexa said. “I hope your trip was pleasing.”

Lidia opened her eyes and met their eyes. She smiled softly, and whispered, “Yes, dear it was.”

Clarke moved to her infant and picked up them up. The motion woke her daughter, who looked up through sleep crusted eyes. “Mom?” Clarke nodded, and ran her hand over the girl’s cheek once Levi was situated in her arms. “Tris?”

Lidia swallowed the name. The name of the granddaughter that wasn’t hers.

“She’s here.”

Raven shifted then, and she too was trying to get up. Lidia helped her favorite move up, and watched as the smaller teen moved out some from behind Lexa. She shifted on her feet, moving her weight from foot to foot. Lexa followed Lidia’s gaze and moved to block the girl.

“Why are you here, Mom?”

Lidia swallowed the growing lump in her throat. “I needed to see for myself. He was truthful when he said she looked like you. Its like dream, seeing you as a child. Makes me wonder how that baby will look when she is a teenager.”

“They,” Clarke corrected, and moved into kitchen with the now stretching child.

Lidia sighed, _Oh course, they can’t make anything easy._

“We have had a very trying day. We need to get the kids to bed and head there ourselves. Perhaps we can sit down tomorrow evening, if you would like to tell us about your trip,” Lexa said, sitting on the arm of the chair.

Lidia noticed the cast then, and gestured to it. “What happened to your arm, Alexandria.”

“Seriously, Lidia?” Clarke’s voice called in exasperation.  The woman had been on the edge of Clarke’s rage before. She knew she was pushing the blonde’s buttons, but she was hurting.

“I’m sorry. Lexa, what happened to your arm?”

Raven smiled, “Yeah, Nontu, what happened to your arm?” Lidia watched as Lexa narrowed their eyes at girl. Whether Raven got the message or not, she laughed, “Oh yeah, Tia said it was a zombie gorilla.”

Octavia snorted, “Yeah, right, Mom probably pulled a switch and beat Nontu into submission.”

“OW!”

Lexa flicked the girl on the forehead. “Enough from you.” They held up their hand, and twisted it in the air. “I tripped.”

Clarke snorted from the kitchen and the girls laughter followed. Raven was pushing up from the couch and balanced on the crutches, “Yep, tripped… sure, Nontu.”

Lexa’s face was flushed, and they were shaking their head. “You girls are insufferable.”

Raven made it to Tris and pulled her in for a brief hug. Lidia watched as Raven nodded towards the hall and began to crutch down with the smaller girl trailing behind her. Lexa pushed Octavia some, and nodded for her to follow. Without a word, the teen followed her sister and _cousin._

The teens all disappeared down the dark hallway, and there was some celebration of excitement. “I knew you were a Trikru!” Raven’s voice echoed down the hall.

Lexa was studying Lidia’s reaction, but the woman couldn’t manage her displeasure. She tried, but seeing the girl… it was almost too much.

“We are keeping her.”

Lidia nodded in understanding. How could she ask them not to? How could she tell them that this child hurt her heart. Hurt her, even though it was before her. Even though, she needs them.

But she was an insight of what Charles’ life could have been if she hadn’t ruined it. If she hadn’t ruined his relationship with his children. If she hadn’t stood in the way of his happiness.

“I wanted to see my granddaughters, Lexa.”

“She is one now too. You cannot treat her less. Its already clear to Octavia you favor Raven. Don’t treat her differently or poorly, or you will not see them again.”

Lidia nodded. She should have known that Lexa would make such a demand. She wondered if she could do what was asked of her. She wondered if she was strong enough to be a grandmother to this girl.

But she sucked in her breath, and prepared herself to leave. “I am not a monster, Lexa.”

“No, mother, you are not a monster. But we both know that you are set in your ways. Do not hurt my children,” Lexa tone was icy. There was no room for disagreement, and she knew that her welcome had been outstayed, if she was ever welcomed at all.

 

 


	30. ...sometime you gotta learn to walk again... or see again...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You will need tissues on hand.

**~Lexa~**

More than three weeks passed since bringing Tris home from the hospital. Raven had yet to cease with the jokes of Tris being “reborn” to Clarke and Lexa, but the family seemed to fall into a new type of normality. The girls having their own vehicles made the transition easier as well.

Lexa hadn’t realize how difficult it would be to split their attention between four children. They found they had little time for anything between Raven’s physical therapy, Tris’s counseling, and Levi’s three hour schedule. Octavia was the only child that seemed to be self-managing effectively, needed little of their time. They were grateful for the girl’s understanding as they tried to be a parent to them all, but at the end of the day, there just was not enough time.

Speaking of parenting though, Lexa was additionally grateful that Lidia had made minimal appearances at the Trikru-Griffin house since the youngest teens arrival. They hadn’t needed to deal with belittling remarks or parenting advice. But tonight was the exception. It was Wednesday, and alike every Wednesday, the house was about to be full. There guest listed seemed to rise with every new addition to the family, but all least with Tris there, there was another set of hands to help with the house.

Lexa was running the vacuum over the rug, while their mini-me dusted the surfaces. Raven was occupying Levi’s attention, whose new alertness was tiring. The infant demanded attention that Lexa claimed could only come from being their mother’s child.

Glancing over their shoulder, they watched as Clarke and Octavia were rolling out pizza, after pizza. In the year of their relationship, there was still no question that Octavia was Clarke’s girl. Yes, Lexa was her parent, but that girl worshiped her mother in ways that Lexa could never amount to. They weren’t troubled by this though because after all they had Raven, even though she was both of the grandmother’s favorite, along with Charles. The girl had a way to call someone out, yet make them feel unwaveringly welcome at the same time.

It was still to early to tell who would be Levi’s go to person. But Lexa knew that Tris was theirs. Tris had taken to them like she had come from them, and it was intimidating and emotional all at once, because they were use to being the parent that dealt with things when Clarke was unavailable; however, Tris came to Lexa for everything.

Lexa ran the last few paths of the rug, and then shutting off the machine. The rub was free of animal hair for the next twenty minutes, but the way the lab was shedding there was no doubt that Autumn would have it covered again shortly. They looked over to see Tris finishing up the dense wooden coffee table.

They nodded to her in approval when she looked at them, and the teen’s grin grew huge. She didn’t need much, rather she was content with little sound and nods of approval, which was good because really that was what Lexa was best at. Lexa put away the vacuum and made their way into the kitchen. Wrapping their arms around the blonde’s waists, they pushed into her. Nuzzling into her neck, they took a moment just to appreciate this moment. This moment with their girls and Levi. This moment with the family all being here, before Octavia and Raven left for college in a few months.

It was just right.

It was just perfect.

It was just… well they ran out of words and they really couldn’t consider anything beyond perfect.

“I love you, Prisa,” they whispered pressing a small kiss to the woman’s bruised throat. They had kept to their word, and their play time was limited with their wife. But there was a countdown. A literal countdown in their bathroom.

They had four more days.

Four more days until Clarke was cleared.

Four more days until Clarke could be spread across the bed.

Four more days until Clarke was filled with them as they pushed her to bliss.

Four more days until Clarke could be on missionary, doggy style, against the wall, or on the floor.

Just four more days.

Clarke leaned back into them, and their hands ran across her chest kneading just below her breasts. The area of her rib cage that made her…

Let out the subtlest of moans, that perked the daughter’s ears just enough to have her gagging over the pizza dough.

“I AM RIGHT HERE!” she shouted, as though they were unaware and her shrilling exclamation would make them take their hands off of Clarke. Really though, they hadn’t touched their wife inappropriately. It was Clarke’s inability to not make incriminating noises.

“I am aware you are here, O,” Lexa stated, pulling Clarke in closer.

_Four days._

Octavia huffed out an breath of annoyance, and growled only loud enough that Lexa could pick of part of what she said. “… wouldn’t notice shit… invisible…”

Lexa eyes flicked over the teen that was staring at the pizza dough. She stopped rolling and was just staring at it for a moment. Like she was thinking something over carefully, chewing on the idea to see if it was worth it. She sighed again, as Tris came into the room with a packet of papers.

The teen was holding it up proudly, and Lexa’s attention was drawn immediately to school assignment. The older girls were always good students so when they brought home decent grades no one really made a big deal about it. But Tris had been barely pulling C’s when she moved in, and it took a lot of work and tutoring from Lexa, Clarke, and Raven to get the girl up to grade level expectations. Octavia hadn’t offered to help and no one was going to force her.

“I got an B+,” the girl stated, and was proudly displaying her inked up English paper. The essay had taken the girl a week, and Lexa was proud of her work.

Releasing the blonde, Lexa took the essay from the girl and looked it over. Glancing up, they smiled, and said, “Great job, Tris.”

Clarke was smiling too, and shifted from the island to the cabinet. She tossed it to Tris, and the girl eagerly put it on. It was a privilege to be invited to help make pizzas; a privilege that Lexa had never been extended. Clarke claimed it was for safety purposes.

_Seriously, you burn bacon once and you lose all cooking rights._

As the teen moved in stand beside Clarke for instructions, Lexa turned and hung Tris’ paper on the fridge. There wasn’t much space, so they used on the magnet that was holding Octavia’s recruitment letter from Arizona State University, and hung the two as side by side as possible.

They stood still for a moment staring at their children’s accomplishments. There were several letters of acceptance to universities around the country for both of the graduating teens. A math test from Tris. Pictures of Levi from the peanut sonogram to the smiling toddler they were growing into. A photo of Clarke and Lexa from the haunted house they are never allowed to attend again.

They glanced over at Clarke, “Babe, remember this?”

Clarke looked over to where they indicated and her face instantly flushed. She shook her head, and Lexa knew she was trying to forget her hot head moment.

“What is that from?” Tris asked, and Lexa didn’t miss Octavia mouthing a rude intimidation of the girl.

Lexa struggled with whether of not the reprimand the older girl, as Clarke told Tris the story. They knew if they called the girl out then Tris would know that Octavia was making fun of her. If they didn’t say anything though whatever Octavia was bottling in would count down like a ticking bomb.

“Octavia and Raven were working at Fear Farm. One of my old student’s, her parents own it so it was an easy in. Lexa talked me into going, and it was a bad idea. I was only a few month pregnant, but my hormones were raging. Needless to say there was a clown.”

“A clown?”

Octavia scoffed, “It was a kid with paint on his face that jumped out at her and she laid his ass out.”

“I was scared,” Clarke defended.

The teen was shaking her head. “You got us fired. And our family is not allowed back.”

Tris looked from the three faces. Lexa could tell the girl was picking up on the tension rising in the room. Clarke looked at Octavia, scrutinizing her rough rolls over the dough. “Kid, you okay.”

“Fine,” Octavia hissed.

Lexa looked to Clarke, whose eyes were locked on theirs. There was concern buried in their wife’s gaze, and they too shared it. They moved towards Octavia, but she pushed the ruined circle and the roller away from her and quickly left the room.

“What just happened?” Lexa asked, and Clarke shook her head.

“I don’t know.”

**~Raven~**

The conversation from the kitchen made it’s way into the nursery, where Raven had just gotten Levi to sleep. When she turned, she could see Octavia making her way down the opposing hallway towards their bedrooms.

The teen turned into her own room, and Raven wondered what was up her sister’s ass. She had been distant for a few weeks now. There were few moments that she seemed excited about something, but when she went to tell them what was on her mind Tris would have a new achievement or Levi would do something adorable that drew all attention to them. Raven herself had gotten fed up with the younger kids ability to suck away their parents’ attention, but she had found solace in spending time with Abby and at times Lidia. They were always attentive and enjoyed doing simple things like watching movies and such.

She knew that Octavia had been holding something, but at the same point she was too. She had made decisions, and now she wondered if they were for the best. Octavia needed her right now, and she was making plans to abandon her. Making plans to leave the girl to her own devices, while she went to search for her greater hero’s journey.

Raven knew she should follow her sister, but she couldn’t. Not yet. She couldn’t listen to her sister and know that her news would probably break her heart. She not told Octavia of her plans, because she wanted her sister to take the offer to follow her dreams. Take the offer to play ball.

But Arizona didn’t have what she needed any longer. Arizona didn’t have Callie Torres or her research. Arizona didn’t have electrodes that would help her invent a brace to make it possible for her to walk again. No, Arizona didn’t have that.

But Seattle did.

**~Octavia~**

_None of it even matters._

She kicked the sack of gear at the foot of her bed. Her ears were filled with the sound of her own heart. Rage and frustration building and spilling from her eyes and her nose. She couldn’t contain it any more.

_A fucking B+ and they put it over a scholarship award._

She sat on the bed with her head in her hands. She wanted to scream, but then everyone would come running. She didn’t want to come because she was upset. It was too late now. She couldn’t compete.

_She’s a Trikru. I’m not. It's that simple._

Her face buried in the pillow, she tried to calm herself. Tried to get herself together but she couldn’t. She threw the unhelpful pillow across the room, knocking over the last State Championship trophy she would ever win.

_They won’t even notice when I’m gone._

She clutched the phone and opened the text app. Furiously she tapped the screen and the one person she was allowed to openly lash out at.

Bellamy.

She started to text him but instead she threw the phone. It hit the dresser, tumbling to the ground. She could see from where she sat that the screen was shattered, and now she was alone. Alone.

She dug through the drawer, searching for where she hid it.

She hid it because she knew that she was weak. She was weak and couldn’t control anything. She couldn’t control people leaving her. She couldn't’ control being invisible.

But she could control this.

She withdrew the small blade from the drawer. Sitting on the floor of her room, she ran her shaking fingers over the side. The metal was cool to her touch. It soothed the burning in her fingertips.

_Just one. One will make it so it doesn’t hurt anymore. It worked before._

But she knew it didn’t. She knew it would only provide temporary relief. It would take more than one.

She swallowed the pain. Swallowed it deep within, and she threw the blade.

She was better than this.

She was strong, and she was not a victim.

She was smart, and she was not going to fall victim.

She was able, and they would be proud of her. They both would remember that she was theirs. That she was their first. They would remember her when she told them that she too was special. She wasn’t a genius or her grandparents’ favorite. She wasn’t blood.

But she was going to be this year’s valedictorian. She was going to stand before them all and prove that she was somebody. Somebody that Raven couldn’t out do. Someone that Tris couldn’t live up to. Someone that Levi could be proud of.

She was worth Clarke adopting her.

She was worth not hurting herself.

She was worth their love and focus.

**~Clarke~**

The guests had arrived earlier than usual. Clarke hadn’t had a chance to make ti to Octavia’s room before the teen reappeared in time to take her boyfriend by the hand and lead him into the back yard. Her stance was strong but the flush of her cheeks told the mother her baby had been crying.

Lexa knew it too, because they were watching the girl leave, their face stoic as the teen marched past them like they weren’t even there.

Clarke ran her hand over her face. She was exhausted. Exhausted by Levi’s new schedule, she was struggling to keep it together. Her daughter’s tears made her own want to overflow. She felt the sense of failure filling her.

Lexa’s hands grounded her though. They were soft, but put enough pressure to know she was not alone. But that was more than she could say about Octavia. The girl was locked alone within herself. And Clarke was terrified of the outcome, because an angry Octavia was a self-destructive Octavia.

“I’m worried, Lex,” she whispered, and she turned her head to see that Lexa was worried too. They left her then. They left her and went outside. Went out to where her daughter was.

 _Octavia_ , her heart cried, in the way only a mother can cry with blood for her baby.

**~Lexa~**

They found Octavia throwing punches at the bulky boy. He was wearing  Lexa’s pads that they had been unable to wear for the weeks since they broke their arm. The girl struck with ferocity and rage. She technique was sloppy, letting her anger fuel her punches.

“You are leaving yourself open,” they said, but the girl didn’t say anything. Landing a hard kick to the pad, she thrust her body forward. Jabbing and thrusting, as her air heaved from her lungs.

Lexa stepped closer, but the girl shifted towards them. Her stance crouched but agile. She was ready to attack, as she squared against them. They met her stance, because this is apparently what she needed.

Without hesitation, she rushed towards them. They side stepped just like their first encounter, and the girl landed hard as they gave her a downward push with their good arm. “We covered that step, day one, Ok-tev-ea,” Lexa stated, turning to face the girl that had pushed herself up.

“Now you see me,” the child growled. “Now I’m here!” and she rushed them again.

Same faulty mistakes. Same outcome for the girl. Same rage released with the fall.

Lexa growled back, “I never stopped seeing you.”

“I am invisible,” and a tear broke through her glare. Just one, but one was worse than none or many.

One was a sign of how bad it hurt.

One was a sign of how far she was gone.

One was a sign of how much agony she was in.

They stood. They stood as the girl rushed them, and let her take them to the ground. But she wasn’t on top for long. She wasn’t on top because Octavia was thrown off of Lexa by the smaller teen.

“Stop it!”

The girl was crying and she was screaming at the older one. She wasn’t hitting Octavia, she wasn’t doing anything more than crying into the ground, where she had rolled away.

Octavia rolled to her side and pushed herself up. “This is about you. Why does everything have to be about you?!” she was yelling at the girl. “This was our thing. And you came… And you came and made everything stop… You’re wanted, okay. You’re one of them. Your more of them than I will ever be. And in a few more weeks I’ll be gone and then no one will even have to pretend anymore.”

Lexa’s breath was caught. It was caught in a way that they weren’t sure they would ever breath again. Because Tris had tried to protect them. Tris had tried to protect them, and Octavia thought that she was invisible.

And the world was crashing.

And Octavia was crashing to her knees.

And Lincoln was crashing along side her, pulling her up.

And….

And…

And…

There wasn’t anything else.

There wasn’t anything else to say or do. T

here wasn’t anything else, but they had failed.

Failed…

Failed…

Failed…

They let their daughter down.

They let their wife down.

They let them all down.

They closed their eyes, praying for the ground to open up and swallow them whole. But the ground didn’t quake. Nor did it crumble. The ground did what the ground does. It held the crying bodies of the Trikru-Griffins and supported them. Supported them in the only way the ground could, it was sturdy. It stood the weight of everything pushing into them.

They decided then, “I am a Grounder.”

At first they thought it was a thought, but no their brain had told their lungs to brief. Their brain that told their lungs to breath so that they could use their heart to tell their daughter that she was not invisible.

The pushed up and crawled to the dark haired girl, with her eyes scrunched closed and her face purple and red from anger. They crawled to her, and they put their good hand on one cheek and their bad hand on the other. They held her face, until she opened her eyes. She opened her eyes and looked at them. Looked into them, like those aqua eyes could see them in a way that no one else could.

They licked their lips, and they said, “I see you. Octavia Aurora Blake Trikru-Griffin. I see you.”


	31. ... and most importantly, you gotta communicate... the good and the bad...

**~Octavia~**

The teen felt Lexa’s hands on her face. Felt how close they were. Felt their breath on her face, as they promised her, “… I see you.”

But Octavia couldn’t catch her breath. Couldn’t catch her breath, because she knew. She knew that this would make them see her. See her for the moment. See her just like the last time they laid her out. She remembered the lessons. She remembered to focus as she struck, but Lexa was a teacher. Lexa could only see her if she was failing.

She knew this, so she chose to fail. She chose to fail before them, so they would see her. Being the good kid had left her alone. Left her alone to try and celebrate her success and manage her pain.

Octavia didn’t want to be alone. She wanted her family back, but her family had shown her they didn’t need her. She needed them, but they didn’t need her.

Lexa had been speaking reassuringly as their fingers ran over her tear and mucus stained face. They touched her boogers because she was hurting. That should have been a sign of how much they loved her. However, she couldn’t look at the little things; couldn’t see the little ways that Lexa was trying to reassure her.

Everything was hurting her too much.

Everything was bleeding within.

Everything was pain.

The grass on her knees was soaking through her jeans. The warm body of her boyfriend was still holding her to the ground as her emotions hemorrhaged within her. Pooling under her skin, begging to be released.

She knew how to let it out.

She knew how to release the pain.

She knew how to discharge the pressure.

She knew how it would go away.

She knew how to let it out.

Her breath was ragged, and she whispered, “I threw it away. But it's the only way to get it out.” She didn’t know how else to tell Lexa. Tell Lexa of how much it was hurting.

Octavia was regretting not letting it out.

Regretting not allowing the emotion to bleed through her skin.

Allowing the pain to flow from within her so it wasn’t trapped under her  skin.

Pain that was building, and threatening to suffocate her organs as it ran out of space.

Lexa’s eyes were soft, but also threatening to over flow. They understood. Their hands moved form her face to her hands, and they squeezed. “You did good, baby. You did so good.”

“I want it. I want it to make it feel better. Even if its just temporary. I want to feel better,” she explained, and Lexa was pulling the teen from the boy. Pulling her into them, as she shook. Her body shaking as it made room for the aching that had found its home in every crevice.

**~Clarke~**

The blonde heard her daughter’s confession. She was only a few feet away, as the girl poor her tears and snot out on to Lexa’s shirt. Clarke knew what Octavia was saying. She remembered. Remembered the girl’s way of release.

_Three months of fighting. Three months of the teen spiting out her hatred. She was about to turn fifiteen. Clarke remembered being fifteen. Being fifteen surrounded by the people she loved. Talia and Wells fighting for her attention at the lunch table, as they joked and laughed about teachers and television._

_Octavia didn’t have any of that though. The girl who sat alone at lunch. Hid from the other students in long sleeves and jeans. Covering herself from the world, afraid to be seen._

_The girl had just screamed at the teacher, coating the house in rage before storming to her room. The bedroom door had slammed so hard the picture of the two from the adoption hearing flew from the wall. Octavia’s personal poltergeist cracking the only symbol of their family. The family Clarke thought she could give the girl. But the girl hated her. Hated her with a venom that poisoned every possible silver moment they would share._

_And Clarke had had enough. Enough of the screaming and belittling. Enough of the attacks on every part of Clarke’s being._

_She held the photo for a moment. The glass fractured, just like the girl in the photo below. Clarke wondered if the girl knew that she was just as broken. Just as fragmented, trying to utilize any medium to put herself back together. But the house was emptied of mending materials, and Clarke had learned the impossibility of duct taping a broken heart._

_Her daughter needed sutures. Needed to hold still long enough for Clarke to sew her back together. So she followed the girl to her space with the frame still gripped in her hand._

_Normally she would knock._

_Lies._

_Normally she would leave the girl alone._

_Lies._

 

_Normally she would retreat to her own room to cry._

_Lies._

_Normally she would swallow her failure._

_Lies._

_Normally she would hide._

_Her daughter needed sutures though. Needed to hold still and let Clarke love her. So she followed the girl to her space with the frame still gribbed in her hand to show her how broken she was._

_Clarke threw open the door. Refusing to be weak and allow the teen to reject her again. But she found the girl rejecting herself within the room with a small blade held in her hand as she pulled it across her hip._

_She cut to deep because of the way her body jumped into the blade with the door opening. The blood running freely over her pale skin and soaking into the small boy short panties that were peaking out from the top of the baggy jeans that failed to cling to her growing body._

_Clarke eyes over flowed with tears as the girl just stared at her. Her face unforgiving at the intrusion, no sign of pain from the self inflicted gash. A calmness about her actions, telling Clarke that this was Octavia’s version of normal. A normal that threatened to crush the teacher, who realized she had failed to help the girl._

 

_Failed._

_Like she had failed to protect Talia._

_Failed._

_Like she had failed to protect her father._

_Failed._

_Like she had failed to protect Wells._

_Clarkes eyes over flowed with tears as the girl that she failed stared at her. Her snarled growl echoed down the hall, “WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY CAN’T YOU JUST LEAVE ME ALONE?!”_

_The tears ceased then though. Clarke swallowed her pain, burying deep and allowing a new chapter in her life begin. A new chapter where she would not try to be a older sister to the hurting girl. A chapters where she would be a fucking parent. Be the parent her dad was. And it started now, in this moment._

_“You are not alone,” she stated. Her skin sizzling the tears from liquid to gas as the salt imbedded in her cheeks. The burn welcomed by the anger and determination that now fueled her._

_She hissed again, understanding unavailable to her. She moved swiftly, and wrestled with the stronger teen. Wrestled the blade from her hands, leaving them both covered in small slivers of fresh body._

_Octavia was stronger, but her will was weak. Weak because Clarke knew that she wanted to give it up. So Clarke won the battle, the steel tucked into her palm, still digging into her skin._

_“You are better than this,” she stated._

_“You are strong, and you are not a victim,” she stated._

_“You are smart and you are not going to fall victim,” she stated._

_All she could do was hope that Octavia heard her. That Octavia could find away to adopt her words as a new mantra._

 

Clarke made her way from the backyard, through the kitchen, and into the girl’s room. She entered within the girl’s space, and took in the disarray. Octavia had never been an organized person, but it was clear she had taken out her rage on the room. The blonde didn’t miss the shattered phone laying on the mahogany colored floor. It took her a few moments to find the blade, but the glint of metal caught her attention. She could see its clean finish, and was grateful that it was not covered in her daughter’s blood.

She swallowed the tears, refusing to let them fall. A gentle touch of a calloused hand drew her attention from examining the blade to the warm brown eyes. The older woman took the blade from her hand, and put it in her pocket. Indra stood in the room with her, and the warrior looked deep into the blue eyes. The dark knowing shook her, and she whispered, “I thought we were past this.”

Indra nodded, but said, “She will never be past it. Things like this don’t go away.”

Clarke knew Indra was right, but she wanted the colonel to be wrong. She wished for a way to make Octavia to know that this was not answer. Her cracked voice shook as she spoke, “She was okay. She was happy.”

“She is strong, just like her mother. You must be as strong as she is,” Indra said, her hands holding the blonde down. Holding her in place with a strength that Indra envied. “You are her mother, and she loves you completely. “

“She needs to love herself.”

Indra nodded again, but stated, “She did. She loved herself enough not to mar her skin. GO be proud of her. She is trying to tell you something. Let her tell you.”

**~Lexa~**

Without letting go of their daughter, they helped her to her feet. Guiding her to the guesthouse, they did their best to hide the teen’s breakdown from the gathering of friends and family within their home. A glance over their shoulder told them, that Raven was effectively managing the house, keeping the company’s attention away from the door.

Once in the small back residence, they navigated themself and Octavia to the small couch. Their arms were around the girl and her body had finally begun to cease its shuttering. She was just there, and Lexa could feel the absence of life.

“O, baby, I am sorry I failed you,” Lexa whispered. They weren’t certain if the girl heard them until she was looking up at them, her eyes puffy and cried out.  Their eyes glanced down the where the girl’s teeth were digging into lower lip.

She sighed, hot breath washing over the skin of their neck. Her heavy breath, made them feel even smaller, but then she spoke, “You didn’t fail me.”

Lexa shook their head, and pulled back some. They could not accept her answer, “I failed to see you were hurting, O. I failed to be there for you in the way you needed me.”

Octavia stood then. Stood and Lexa watched her pace. They recognized the motion, and Lexa wondered if the teen had spent too much time with Charles, to master of the stressed pace.

Her hands wrung around each other, pressing on the points in her hands that they had taught her would help sooth her. She turned when she ran out of floor and moved back in the same path. Her feet wearing away against the floor, marking that she had been here.

The girl was still pacing when the door opened and shut. There was small hallway that led to where they were seated, and they could hear several sets of footsteps and one set of clicks. Octavia didn’t stop pacing, even as Clarke made it into the room with the rest of the Trikru-Griffin tribe. Lexa looked to their wife, wrapped with the green cloth, holding their Levi to her chest. They looked at her profile, as she nodded the darker girl to the armchair on one side of the room, while Tris slid down the wall and found a seat on the floor closest to the door.

Once the kids were settled, Clarke waited for Octavia to make another pass, and then found her seat next to Lexa. They immediately intertwined their fingers with hers.

“We need a Denny’s,” Octavia said suddenly, almost as suddenly as she stopped moving, turning on a toe to see her parents.

Lexa smiled briefly and nodded. They did need a Denny’s but there was no way they were all getting in the car to drive to Flagstaff.

“We make our family at Denny’s. Its like the place that we figure out our shit and we always leave feeling better. We eat pie… well we eat pie and Nontu suffers through sharing food, but still. We need a Denny’s.” She threw her arm up, pointing at Tris, “She needs the family talk at Denny’s and Nontu has to tell her that they want to be her parent. Mom needs to try to be all bossy, and I… I need to know that I am still here. Because I don’t feel like I am here. I feel like she took my place,” she stated.

Her eyes were not tearful, they were just there. “I feel like no matter what I do, anything she does is cooler, because she is the new toy and I am the one that gets put in the donation bag. I don’t want to be donated, because… because I am special. I am special. I am the first. Raven is the genius and awesome, Tris is new, Levi is yours, but I… I was the first.”

“You are special,” Lexa says. “You are special and you are not for donation.” With Lexa’s affirmation, they could see the girl stand up straighter. See some confidence filling her.

“We need to learn to back pie,” she stated, nodding her head. Clarke smiled softly, and nodded to the teen that was looking at her. “Pie makes things better, and Tris needs to learn about pie.”

Octavia paced again, no one was really sure what the say about the girl’s ramblings. Lexa looked at Raven whose bafflement at the discussion was threatening to bubbly over into far to exuberant laughter for everything that was going on. Lexa shook their head, but it didn’t help. Didn’t help as Raven’s eyes scrunched and she bit into her hand. But even then she couldn’t not snort. The brief noise drew Octavia’s eyes to her.

“Pie makes it better, Ray.”

And Raven nodded, but then laughed out loud. Laughed and said, “Yeah it does, but little sister you are acting like you lost your fucking mind.”

Octavia’s eyebrows scrunched up and she moved faster than the other girl could. Planting her ass on top of Raven’s lap and holding a hand to the other girl’s mouth, Lexa considered yelling at her to get off her sister, but couldn’t find it in them. “Do not mock the power of pie.”

Tris’ eyes were huge and Lexa was worried that the girl may make a move to protect Raven. However, she was shocked to see the girl just stare in disbelief. Really everyone was lost in disbelief, because how did the girl go from crumbled on the ground to ranting about Denny’s and pie.

“I need pie… because… because I have big news. And we fixed things over pie… and I feel like things are broken,” she confessed, stuttering periodically, like she was trying to come full circle. “I may be the only one that is broken, because I have tried to keep it together, but you put her essay over my letter. Over my future, and I know you’re proud of her…”

Raven shook her head loose, “I need to breathe!”

“I am proud of her too,” turning to look at Tris, “I am proud of you. You’re awesome. But I need to be able to tell me news too. I need it to be heard.”

Clarke was nodding in understanding, and Tris was looking like her was going to cry. Not because she was scared, but because Octavia had told her that she was proud of her. Tris was sitting up taller, because the older girl was approving of her.

Lexa remembered how Octavia and Raven had both acted that way when they realized Lexa was proud of them. Remembering how both had looked for ways to get their praise, and they realized that they couldn’t think of one moment in the last month where they had told their middle daughter she was doing great. No her success had become and expectation.

Their thoughts had torn them from what the girl was saying though, and then they realized everyone was looking at them.

 _Fuck, she says she needs to be heard and you zone out._ Their voice was harsh, and it repeated their life mantra:

_Failed._

_Failed._

_Failed._

The teen’s voice was louder though. Louder than the voice that were so familiar with. So intimately connected to, causing them to do foolish things, like not pay attention to their child.

“Seriously, we need to listen to each other, but we don’t,” the teen said again. “We are failing at communication, and we need to get our shit together.”

 

_Failing._

_Failing._

_Failing._

“STOP!” and Lexa’s eyes shot up from the floor board they were memorizing. Shot up at the teen that was standing in front of them,.

_When did she move?_

“Stop thinking you failed.” Their eyes were puzzled, and they looked over the girl.

_How did she know?_

“You’re thoughts are so loud, and whenever shit gets tough you start telling each of us how you failed. You haven’t failed, but Nontu, you can do better.”

Lexa absorbed this. Could they do better? The things they had failed at, could they control them?

_Yes._

But really the answer was no. The answer was no, because they couldn’t have stopped the truck from running the light. They couldn’t have stopped the cord from wrapping around Levi’s neck. They couldn’t have stopped Clarke’s heart form stopping. They couldn’t have stopped Octavia from cutting if she wanted to. They couldn’t have stopped Tris’s mother from dying.

_I can control thinking I failed._

_I can control that._

_Can't I?_

**~Octavia~**

The teen really didn’t know where she was going anymore, but she wasn’t going to stop. She couldn’t stop because they didn’t have a Denny’s where she could lock herself into the corner booth and Clarke could but all of the pieces back together. Her mother had been putting her back together for too long, and she was an adult now. She was an adult and she needed to find the strength to do it.

But Lexa was an adult also, an adult that still couldn’t put themself back together. Unable to do so, because they still doubted themself, and she needed them to believe in themself. Needed them to believe in their strength so that when she was weak, she could harness some of their strength.

“I am not a failure, and I almost ran a blade through my skin to make it all go away.”

She took a deep breath. Deep enough that she could get all of the words out.

“I am not a failure because I’m smart. I’m smart, and I haven’t failed. I never failed, through it all. I did really well. So well, so well that I am the Validicatorian this year, and I wanted to tell you all but I couldn’t because I felt like no one saw me and I’m here-“

The air was crushed out of her. Crushed out of her as Lexa’s arms wrapped around her in an embrace that told her she mattered. Their arms were tight, and they swayed her back and forth.

“My baby is the Valedictorian!” they said, a smile so broad across their face. A smile that made her feel like she was worth everything they had done to make her theirs. “My baby is number one in her class!” She watched as Lexa turned to Clarke, “My daughter is the Valedictorian!”

Clarke was smiling too, and when Octavia looked over at Raven, her sister was beaming up at her in pride. Octavia had worried that Raven would be jealous, but the older girl showed nothing by happiness for her accomplishment.

“She’s _our daughter,_ Lexa,” Clarke stated, but Lexa was shaking their head and pulling her head into them with their casted hand.

“Mine, Klark!” and when Clarke shook her head, Lexa added, “They are your children when the poop and wipe boogers everywhere. They belong to me when  they are awesome. And since they are awesome most of the time they are mine a majority of the time.”

They hugged her tighter, and she inhaled the musky cologne that she had bought them for their birthday. She realized that they presence of their hands on her didn’t make her skin ache. That the pressure that had built under her skin had dissipated as though the guesthouse had provided the salt for the excessed fluid like emotion to transfer from within her and eased into the universe, freeing her from imploding.

She smiled then. Really smiled, because shewas better than this. She was strong, and she was not a victim. She was smart, and she was not going to fall victim to moments of weakness.

There were hands on her then. Hands pulling her from Lexa’s embrace. Really it was only one hand, because in the other hand, Clarke was holding Levi to her shoulder. But she was pulling Octavia in, and Lexa was fighting to hold her.

“Mine, Klark.”

Clarke held out the infant then, and Lexa shook their head, pulling Octavia in further. They audibly sniffed the air, before stating, “That one smells like poop right now. That one is yours. This one. This number one in her class. This one is mine right now.”

And Octavia laughed, laughed because Levi did smell like poop, and Clarke was stuck holding the child. Laughed as her sister butt checked her nontu, moving them forcibly away, and giving her a hug. A hug that Octavia returned, relishing in happiness that Raven had stayed. That Raven had stayed with her. She couldn’t imagine life without her sister.


	32. ... you can't forget to celebrate...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is just a little add in to celebrate Rye-Rye's birthday. Happy Birthday, person! Thank you for being with me in this virtual world. you are amazing, and I hope this day was very special for you.

**~Clarke~**

Clarke was in the nursery, as the cheers and congratulations were slowly fading back to normal conversations. She looked down at the doe eyed infant that watched the small leaves of the mobile swaying over their head. Her fingers stroked the baby’s torso with one hand, while the other followed the practice routine of gathering the sensitive skin wipes and a fresh diaper.

Lexa hated diapers, but Clarke found the whoel experience to really not being overly challenging. Yes, the kid pooped and it smelled like poop, but it was just a part of being the kid’s mom. The diaper was changed, the butt wiped, and new diaper affixed, before the kid could even care that their rear was on display for anyone that walked into the room.

Clarke tossed the diaper into the pail, alongside her feet, and then turned her attention back to the infant that now watched her. They still weren’t able to smile of their own accord, but it didn’t stop Clarke’s excitement when she saw their pouty lips curl at the edges upward. They would have a smile like Lexa, no doubt, and it made her happy that she could give them a child that they could see themselves in.

Her child was Octavia. The two had been alone with each other for so many crucial years in both their development that there was no denying the teen as hers.

And she was proud.

Proud that the girl had risen.

Risen above what anyone believed.

Believed possible for a teen that survived.

Survived the wrecking ball of fate.

Fate of trailed and tribulations.

Tribulations passed.

Yeah, there was no doubt that Clarke was proud of her daughter. Looking down at Levi, she whispered, “Your sister is so smart. I can’t wait to see what she teaches you, Peanut.” The infant kicked out their tiny feet that Clarke gripped but followed their movement. She watched as the snot bubble formed and grew before erupting over the tiny face.

She smiled then, and wiped up the mucus with another baby wipe that was still at hand. Lexa’s words came back to her then, that this moment would make Levi hers. She got the hard and groudy times, but she was surprisingly okay with that. Because tonight, Octavia had repeated her words back to her.  Echoing her own memories of their coming together point, sealed as their bloodied arms and hands came together.

Clarke’s hands still followed the kicking legs, and she smiled with the cooing child, as Raven clicked her way into the room. She cast a look back at the daughter that had grown another two inches this last year, making her as tall as Lexa and a few inches taller than Clarke.

A soft smile played on Raven’s lips, but her eyes were different. She knew that the teen was hiding a plan to leave. Raven had been careful, but Abby wouldn’t risk losing Clarke again, which was a possibility if she uprooted her new life with them to take her daughter back up to Seattle.

At first Clarke had been angry, unable to share her anger, just like she had been unable to share the pride in knowing for the past two months that Octavia was the first in her class. There was no disputing it, but Clarke had wanted Octavia to get to tell them all, just like she wanted Raven to tell her that she was going to leave.

“You’re the best mom anyone could ask for,” the teen said, and it kind of startled Clarke. She wouldn’t be able to handle Raven’s plans if the girl started like this.

Her eyes wandered over the room, and she shifted then with Levi to the small couch, navigating the view of her breast away from Raven’s eye sight. She said a quiet, “Thank you,” as she allowed Levi to latch. “You’re one of the best kids that I could have every asked for.” She could feel the emotion rising within, but she sniffed it back, begging her body not to reveal her knowledge. But it was pounding against her chest, like she was aware that a missile was about to blow up her home and she couldn’t warn anyone in order to protect this greater good. The greater good being Raven taking ownership of her life and her future.

Raven clicked into the room, and Clarke felt the cushion next to her shift. The girl’s  hand was warm as it slid into her. Not lacing their fingers together, just holding on. “What Nontu said was wrong.”

 Clarke’s brows scrunched and the crease in her forehead deepened. Her blue eyes wondered over the girl in confusion, trying to read from her face what she meant. But Raven explained before Clarke could try to figure it out. “We are always your kids.”

Clarke’s lips rose, and she smiled weakly. She squeezed softly on Raven’s hand, and said, “You are all _our kids_. And they will handle the gross stuff when I am not around, but I can do that for them.”

“Mom,” Raven said, and her brown eyes were searching the woman’s face. But the eyes flashed, and sorrow filled them, “I’m sorry.”

Clarke’s smile weakened. Raven could tell she knew. _Damn it!_

She wanted to make Raven feel okay. She wanted to celebrate her decision like they were all celebrating Octavia’s achievement. She tried to find the right words, but then realized there are not right words when your daughter decides to move four states away, so she tells her, “It’s what you need. I understand. It will hurt, but I am hoping that you won’t disappear for years like I did.”

“How did you know?”

“Mom,” she answered. “She didn’t want to cause another fight. I can apparently be quite a bitch when I am pissed off.”

Raven’s brow sunk inward, and Clarke could tell that even she was struggling with leaving. “I’m sorry I didn’t talk with you first.”

      “You needed someone else.”

“But it should have been you.”

      “You needed someone to get it.”

“But it should have been you first.”

       “You needed someone else.”

“But it should have been you.”

They sat still, both thinking over the reality that Raven needed something that Clarke couldn’t give her. And it hurt, because Clarke had tried to give everything, give, and give, and give, and give.

But she couldn’t give her daughter her leg back.

But she couldn’t give her daughter her mobility back.

But she couldn’t give her daughter her sense of pride back.

So they sat in a steady silence. Just three bodies, sharing the air of a magical forest, the only sounds the echoes of happiness from down the hall. Clarke embraced this happiness, because Raven was going on to do great things. Maybe Octavia is correct, that this was all so Raven could figure out her hero’s journey. But Raven was here in this moment, her warm fragile body pressed against Clarke’s side.

Once Levi was out cold, she moved from the couch, and put the child in their crib. Raven hadn’t moved from the couch though. She sat still just looking at her mom. Clarke wondered what the girl was thinking about so carefully, but she seemed locked in her own mind and Clarke wanted to give her time to process her thoughts.

She pushed her hand into the pocket of her jeans, and withdrew some cash that Octavia had given her for change from the supply shopping the teen had completed after school that day. She handed Raven a rumbled twenty and ten, and told her, “Village Inn is still open.”

Raven tilted her head, and the hair from her ponytail rain down the front of her pink shirt. The pink shirt. It was the first time she had noticed it that night, but Raven was missing her too, because she was wearing her shirt, and Raven only ever wore that shirt when she was trying to find a way to talk to Clarke.

Clarke pulled the girl up and into her arms, balancing the teen’s body against her. She pressed a kiss to her temple, and said, “Octavia said we need to teach Tris about pie, and we need to talk with everyone about Seattle, and we need to celebrate O’s accomplishment.”

Clarke pulled back a little and looked at Raven, “So will you go get 10 different slices, and make sure one is pecan for Lexa?”

Raven’s mouth curled and she smiled. A real smile of appreciation, because yeah Clarke was hurting but Raven was going to accomplish her dreams and Clarke was going to make sure she had the support she needed to do it.


	33. ... you have to give credit were credit is due...

**~Octavia~**

Lincoln had his girlfriend pressed against the dusty black Ford Raptor. Her arms were wrapped around his neck and her legs around his waist. It was really the only way for Octavia to reach him to kiss him. She had reached what was looking at her top height of 5 foot 3 inches, while the Lincoln had grown even taller this year. Indra swore at him just a few days prior for out growing another pair of jeans, claiming that no one should worry about a teenage boy eating too much, because it wasn’t food that was going to cause her to go broke it was keeping her son in jeans and shoes as he broke six feet.

His large hands easily gripped her ass cheeks, and Octavia could feel his erection pressing into the seam of her spandex shorts. He ground into her and moaned into their kiss, that spurred him to move into her more.

“Fuck, I love you,” he said as her lips attached to his neck. She smiled because she knew he loved her no matter if he was sprung on her or not, which made her feel safe with his hands on her.

The two were so engrossed in each other, that neither saw Lexa slip past them silently through the front yard. Nor did they notice the uncle positioned behind the car on the other side of the street.

**~Lexa~**

They swatted next to Ryder. He had the plastic container of multi-colored balls tipped to the top of the open canister. He had already checked the CO2, making sure it was full. Lexa smiled, and picked up their own gun that their brother had already prepped.

As the canister filled, Ryder cast another look to Lexa. “You sure?”

Their smirk was thin but present, under the black war paint spread over their eyes. Ryder’s face too was covered in black strips. They had been planning this for a while now, but tonight the boy’s ass was on display. Too perfect.

Lexa pulled their phone from their pocket and hit Indra’s name in the call log. The phone only rang once, and Indra’s voice came over.

“ _Are they going at it in the front yard again?”_ the boy’s mother asked.

Lexa spoke softly, “Yes.”

“ _Don’t hurt my truck,”_ and the line went dead.

Lexa looked to Ryder that was holding his gun ready. They smiled and nodded, before they both took their position. Each aiming carefully for the dense body of the teenager.

“Fire,” they said.

The first ball exploded across Lincoln’s left buttocks only a moment after Lexa pulled the trigger. The pop was soft, and neither of the teens had a moment to contemplate the attack, before the next fluorescent ball struck the boy in the shoulder.

Octavia was dropped awkwardly to the ground, as Lincoln moved around in pain. Another ball from Lexa’s gun hit the kid in the thigh, dropping him to the ground, as he huffed out a cry of pain.

The adults gave each other smooth five, before Lexa stood and blatantly took aim at their daughter’s boyfriend. Their voice was harsh, but calm as they stated, “I said to keep your hands off my daughter.”

The boy looked at the warrior, and swallowed. They could see his adam’s apple rise and fall even in the dim light. He didn’t acknowledge them though, so they pulled the trigger once more. The ball sailed across the street, landing just above the kid’s groin.

“Nontu!” Octavia cried out, but even her words were silenced when she took in the sight of Lexa dressed in all black, wild hair, and menacing war paint.

Lexa smiled then, “No sex in my house. No sex in my drive way,” turning to Lincoln, “and no sex with my daughter.”

Lincoln nodded, his hand now firmly holding the crotch of his pants. Lexa glared at him, and said, “Next time, I will hard your little warrior. Now get in the truck and go home.”

Lincoln didn’t say a word, not even to Octavia, as he quickly moved from the ground and into the truck. The engine came to life, and Octavia moved away from the car, her face flushed and angry.

“We are adults!” the girl yelled, her arms folding across her chest. Their daughter was furious, but they didn’t care. They didn’t care because they had won the battle for the moment. It was still a war to keep that kids penis out of their daughter, but they could withstand.

Lexa handed Ryder the gun, and nodded to his house. He retreated quickly, moving into his home as Octavia stalked across the black pavement. Her pace swift and Lexa prepared again for the girl’s attack. But she didn’t attack. No, she stood with her hands on her hips, and an angry scowl etched into her face.

When she started to speak, the adult raised and eyebrow challengingly, and the girl’s voice broke into a shrill whine, “Nontuuu, you could have hurt him!”

“That was the plan.”

Her mouth dropped open, but shut again quickly, “You could have hurt me!”

Lexa scoffed, and then laughed, “Don’t doubt my aim, girl.”

“I’m telling Indra.”

“What makes you think she doesn’t know,” and they stood straighter, with nothing but pride filling their body.

Octavia’s eyebrow rose this time, and Lexa’s eyes widened. Widened because they knew where the girl was going to go next. The teen turned on a heal, her voice falling her as she ran towards the house, “I’m telling MOM!!!”

**~Tris~**

Raven came back with pie once everyone had left, and in time to see Clarke giving Lexa a disapproving lecture about firing paintballs at the unarmed teenager. Octavia had stood by watching the parent get scolded by Momma Clarke.

Tris was standing in the dark doorway, afraid to enter the room, but had to move when she saw Raven struggling with the large bag and her crutches. Moving to the girl’s side, she took the bag, and received a nod of gratitude. The older girl didn’t stall though, instead moving straight into the kitchen wear a painted faced Lexa was sitting at the table with their hands  holding up their head. Their lips were pouting as Clarke walked back and forth.

“I can’t believe you,” she said. “You could have hurt him.”

Tris saw their lips twitch slightly, and she could tell they were fighting back their proud grin. But Clarke didn’t miss it, and said, “This isn’t funny, Lex. What if Indra is pissed.”

Their head was up then, “But she said ti was fine as long as I didn’t hit her truck.”

Clarke turned and looked at the two girls entering. What Tris didn’t expect was to see the blonde mother trying to fight back her own smile, but her features were schooled seeing the two girls. She turned back to Lexa then, “No shooting our daughter’s boyfriends.”

“You can shoot Bellamy actually,” Raven stated, falling down with a huff of exhaustion. She was rubbing her good leg. Tris wondered if it hurt her, and she wanted to ask but Raven hadn’t been the most forth coming when it comes to discussing her new challenges. She was the sister that smiled t everything and made a joke of anything that would be deemed uncomfortable.

Tris turned back to Lexa and saw them sitting tall again, their arms wrapped across their chest. They said simply, “I can do that.”

“No shooting people with paintballs, Lexa. You are supposed to be their parent,” Clarke said again, unloading the cardboard boxes on to the table. Octavia was bouncing as she saw the boxes. She rushed to the kitchen pulling out several forks and returning to the table.

“I’m okay with you shooting my brother, Nontu. Just not my boyfriend,” she said taking her seat. Tris had learned that the chair nearest Clarke was Octavia’s seat. She learned that the hard way when the older girl had thrown a tantrum that they had rules in the house. One of them apparently being that the chair next to Clarke belonged to Octavia and no one was to ever sit in her chair.

Tris respected the rule finding her own seat on Lexa’s right hand side, which honestly she felt was better. Because she could learn from there. Learn how to make Trikru facial expressions and hand gestures. Learned what foods were good and what foods a Trikru would not eat, even if she liked them.

The packages were opened then, and Tris noticed that all but two contained different types of pie. Two were the same though. Pecan. She wondered if that was a household favorite, but watched as one of the slices was put in front of Lexa solely.

_Trikru’s eat pecan pie._

Octavia and Raven were talking, while Clarke was busy taking bites from different slices. Mixing the flavors over her tongue, sharing with the other two girls that followed suit. Tris eyes the strarberry pie. She loved strawberries, but Lexa wasn’t eating strawberry pie.

Tris placed her fork into the other slice of pecan pie, and put it into her mouth. She chewed on the rough nuts, but the slimey sweetness was a little too much texture overload for her. She swallowed quickly, hoping that Lexa would reach for another piece. Another kind that could be a Trikru flavor, but they didn’t. They just ate their piece from their box.

“Seriously, taste buds are not genetic. You can’t tell me you only like pecan pie also,” Octavia said, gesturing to all of the different flavors. Tris stared at her, and then back at Lexa.

They shrugged and kept eating their piece. So Tris took another bite of the pecan pie and tried to adapt to the texture of the filling. Octavia groaned gruffly, and rolled her eyes. “You’re like a chubby cheeked Nontu. I swear you too could be twins when you lose your baby face.”

_Chubby cheeks?_

Tris though about this for a moment, and looked over at Lexa. They didn’t have chubby cheeks. Their jaw and face was sharpy and angled femininely. Their wasn’t an ounce of ‘chub’ on them, and Tris loss her appetite. Lexa was thin and muscular, their arms and legs defined smoothly.

She looked down and saw her small stomach rolling just barely over the top of her jeans. She swallowed the excesses saliva in her mouth.

_They only want perfect kids._

She pulled in her stomach, feeling her abdominal muscles burn as she stressed it in. She found it was easier, when she sat up straighter. Sat up straight as a board, just like how Lexa held themselves up. She would be perfect, just like they were. 

_I will be perfect._

**~Lexa~**

The hallways was quiet and dark as they made their last room check. Lexa’s eyes were red and puffy, having just came from Raven’s room. The girl hadn’t shared her news at the dinner table. She explained to Lexa as they massaged lotion into the girl’s thigh to help her fight the muscle cramps that came from the deterioration of muscle she was experiencing from the loss of movement that she hadn’t wanted to ruin Octavia’s day.

Lexa held her then, making the teen promise that she would always come home for holidays, even summers. They had a tradition to keep with their cabin. Really it wasn’t much of a tradition because it was only done once, but they wanted it to be a tradition. They wanted to make many traditions with their family.

Levi was sprawled out on their tiny back. Their chest rising and falling easily. They pulled the blanket up over their onesie covered feet. They ran their finger delicately over the soft dark curls. With Levi asleep soundly, they made their way to the room they had shared with their wife.

Clarke was in the bathroom, her fingers using a cotton ball and makeup remover to wipe away the liquid eyeliner and mascara from her lids. They leaned against the door way, taking in Clarke in her tiny shorts and the tank top. Her hair hung in waves down her back, and they moved towards her. As they were about to wrap their arms around her middle, she moved from the counter and tossed the cotton ball back into wastebin before leaving the room.

Lexa stood still looking at their war paint covered face with a furrowed brow.

_What just happened?_

They turned and saw Clarke pulling down the green sheet with the floral comforter. She was about to slide between the sheets when Lexa stopped her with their voice.

“What’s going on, Prisa?” they asked, moving towards her. Her muscles tensed but she didn't look up at them. Her eyes ran over the bed, before she crawled atop the bed, not getting under the sheets.

She swallowed, and Lexa could see her wheels turning, and they felt their pulse increase, knowing that she was angery. Their mind raced trying to process what they did wrong. But there wasn’t time. Wasn’t time because Clarke had found her words.

“You know you are a fucking hypocrite.”

_What? what did I do?_

 They were so confused, and they ran their fingers over their palms trying to wipe away the sweat that was gathering. The blue eyes looked up at them, and they were ablaze. They knew that wiping away the sweat was pointless, so instead the moved from the bed, and clicked the door shut.

The clicked the door shut because the only time Clarke’s eyes were like this was when she was ready to let lose a rage of anger. A lashing of words that they didn’t want their children to hear. So they prayed to anything out there that their sound proofing would hold up.

**~Clarke~**

Her legs were crossed and she was gripping the sheets. Clarke’s blood was pumping so fast, and she was grateful that Lexa chose to turn away from her and shut the door. She was grateful because she had something to say and she knew that even if she tried she was going to be loud.

She was going to be loud because she was pissed.

She was pissed at Lexa for their carelessness.

For their carelessness with their words.

With their words that denied her children.

Denied her children and her if they failed perfection.

Lexa was back at the bed, standing there. Standing in waiting for Clarke to unleash her rage that was bubbling and boiling under her skin, threatening to tear through the thick layer of skills.

She took a deep breath, and locked eyes with them. Their stern facial expression only amplified due to the war paint streaked over their eyes, making them look like a fucking raccoon.

A fucking selfish raccoon.

“You realize that tonight you told our kids that you only love them when they are fucking perfect. You inconsiderate-“ but she cut herself off before calling them a name. Abby had told her, it was okay to fight but never call them a name. That is was the ultimate sign of disrespect. SO they both saved the name calling for scenes.

Scenes where Lexa would have Clarke on her knees or bent over the bed. Scenes where the Commander degraded the Princess because she was begging to be fucked like a slut. Fucked like a wanton bitch in heat. Begging for their cock to be buried in her, thrusting at a painful rhythm that would take her over the edge. But this wasn’t a scene, and she wasn’t playing a game for an orgasm.

Lexa opened their mouth, but Clarke held up a hand quickly, and they shut their mouth with an audible click of their teeth coming in contact.

“You had no fucking right, Lexa.” And she was up form her ass and on her knees, arms in the air. “You should be proud of her, but she is my fucking daughter too. And you.. And you…”

She had to take a breath before she could continue. “And you took credit for everything she did. Took credit, when you weren’t there. You weren’t there for blow ups or the one am paper editing. You weren’t there for the tears and reassurances when a B came home and she would have an anxiety attack of not being good enough.” She was at the edge of the bed, having moved forward towards them. Her finger pressed into their sternum, “You weren’t there when she needed you these last weaks, claiming that she is only yours when she is fucking perfect. But she had to break down for you to fucking notice her.”

Her tears had broken through now, and her face was red as the salty fluid raced and fell to the bed. “No, she had to fake being less than perfect for you to go out and correct her form. She knows how to fight Lexa. She fucking played you and then you took credit for her success.”

Lexa swallowed, and tried to touch Clarke but she tore her arms back, falling back on to the bed and staring at them. “Don’t you fucking touch me.”

“I was excited and I was playing, Klark,” they said softly. Their eyes were begging for understanding, but she had none to give them. “I don’t understand. You were happy…”

She spit at them then, “No, Lexa. I was happy for the kid that I cried over for months. The kid I helped sew back together. I was happy for her. And you didn’t even let me congratulate her properly.”

Lexa moved them. Moved on the bed, so they were closer to her; closer but not touching her. “She is my daughter too.”

This time Clarke scoffed at them, her spit spraying on their face, as she said, “Like Levi is ours and you refused to hold them tonight because they shit their fucking diaper like infants do, Lek-sa.”

Lexa sat back then, and Clarke could tell they were processing. Processing their denial of their child. And she couldn’t help herself. She knew it was a low blow but she was upset and she wanted them to feel her pain.

“You’re just like your mother, maybe worse since you denied your kid, your fucking flesh and blood over a shitty diaper.”

**~Lexa~**

The door was open quickly, and they were in the nursery before they could even process what their were doing. The black pain around their eyes was running down their face, and dripped onto the tiny quilt. The quilt with the sturdy tree, and multi-textured leaves that covered their youngest child.

The infant squirmed in irritation as Lexa pulled them from their bed. Lexa knew not to wake a sleeping baby, but they needed to hold their child. Hold their child and apologize. Luckily the child still slept, and they were grateful, because if they hadn’t Clarke would have had to come and feed them again to get them back to sleep. Another thing for her to be angry about.

“I love you, Levi. I love you no matter your diaper. No matter your gender. I will never never stop loving you.”

A tear fell and splashed the black pain across the child’s face. They ran a finger over the painted tear, smearing it into a strip under their eye. Making Levi a warrior. A warrior like them.

They kissed the still sleeping child’s head and placed them back in the crib. They stood there, gathering their courage. Gathering it up, because they couldn’t deny any of Clarke’s anger. Couldn’t deny that they had fucked up.

They hadn’t meant for their words to be hurtful. However Lexa’s words had hurt. Hurt Clarke and her sense of motherhood. Hurt Levi though they will never know. Hurt Raven possibly because she may feel less than perfect. And they didn’t even want to think about what Tris may have taken from their words. The girl already tried to make them continuously proud, and now they may have made her believe that she would have to be perfect.

Clarke was leaning against the door when they turned. Her face was softer now, and they knew that the fury within her had dissipated into the air as the waves of sound exited her vocal cords. They took a step forwards, but stopped to see her reaction. She didn’t move, just looked at them.

She licked her lips, and sniffed back her confession that had built with her rage. “I’m sorry. What I said was wrong.”

Lexa was shaking their head though. Shaking their head, because they felt that she was right. They had acted just like Lidia and it disgusted them. They were scencere as they said, “You were right, Prisa. What I said was wrong and hurtful.”

“She is your child. They are all your children,” the blonde said, as they moved into her space and their arms found their way around her, until their fingers were pressed into her back.

Lexa kissed her forehead, and responded, “They are _our children_ , and we have to share in their celebration. But you do deserve all of the credit for that wonderful child. For our first child.”

They pressed another kiss to her head, and felt her arms around them. Hugging them in close. She needed them to know of everything she had gone through with the teen. And they did, because they did leave the shit and the boogers to Clarke.

The stuff that came from emotions and illness, where their wife would sacrifice herself to be there for their girls. Be there even when the following days she would be in bed with her own red nose or broken heart. And she would push through it. Push through as though nothing had happened or she wasn’t sick.

Her breath was warm as it rolled over their chest, just like Octavia’s had earlier that day. They pulled her in closer, and whispered into her hair. “Thank you for being their mother, Klark. Thank you for raising our kids to be strong and smart and beautiful.”

The blonde pulled back then. Pulled back and pushed her lips to theirs. The kiss was heated with teeth and tongues.

_Four days._

They pulled her tighter and she ran her hands up their back and into their hair. Pulling them in closer. They tried to pick her up, but they couldn’t because of their fucking weak hand, so they walked her backwards instead.

Walked her back into their bedroom, kicking the door shut behind them, possibly a little too hard. When the slam ended, they pulled apart and both stared at the video monitor for the nursery. They watched Levi’s face scrunch in a Clarke-anger-scowl and a fist pound the air. But then they relaxed, and the two adults exhaled. Lexa looked back at Clarke, the hunger returning.

Their eyes were as black as their wife’s and she was ready.

_Fuck four days._

They pushed her back on the bed, and tore her shorts from her ass. She didn’t even have time to process, because Lexa had no more patience. They needed to feel their wife forgive them. So they fell to their knees and buried their face in her sex.

Lexa swiped their tongue through her wet folds, tasting the salty sweetness of Clarke’s arousal. Without further teasing, their lips wrapped around her bundle of nerves and sucked.

Their good hand slid under the woman’s tank. Finding the sharp budded nipple, they rolled it between their fingers once, and when Clarke bucked her hips into them they twisted clock ways sharply.

The blonde’s moan was heavy and guttural, as her body quaked and contracted. The orgasmic bliss flooding through her body. It was quick and when Lexa pulled back, they saw the paint spread all over the interior of Clarke’s thighs. They smiled, and Clarke didn’t let them appreciate their art work long.

Her hand dug into their braids, pulling them up her body, where her thigh found the apex of their cunt. They didn’t even get their pants off, grinding into Clarke’s leg mercilessly as she sucked her mark into collarbone. It was too warm for turtlenecks, but Lexa realized they would be turning the AC down tomorrow in their classroom, because Clarke’s lips were on their throat and she was gripping their ass to keep them riding her.

They came quickly too, the fight having built up their tension, which was released with their climax. They knew the colloquialism was that they had ruined their pants but the knew they would wear these again. Wear them again, because Clarke loved their ass in these and it always made her misbehave so that they would take her to bed.

“Now take the pants off Commander.”

**~Tris~**

The bathroom lights were unforgiving. They showed every scar that marred her fragile frame. There was nothing Tris could do about the scars though, and she knew that so she instead inspected the other areas of her body. First her stomach, where she pulled at the skin lightly. Secondly, she pinched her cheeks.

_Chubby cheeks._

She had put on weight since being here.

Clarke had taken her shopping because her pants were too tight.

Lexa’s pants were never too tight, so she would have to take care of  that. She would have to cut some of the excesses weight that was gathering around her middle.

And she could do it. She knew how most of the girls she went to school with did it. She looked at the toilet, and bit her lip. Kneeling down, she took a deep breath.

_I can be perfect._


	34. ... and support each other, even if it means calling each other out...

**~Octavia~**

Her dark hair flowed over the pillow as Octavia completed the remaining pages of the small 14th century text. It wasn’t something she anticipated liking, but Lexa had been right, she could understand Machiavelli’s goals in _The Prince_. How one must balance between being feared and loved in order to lead. She contemplated her parents and the way together they try to create that balance. Lexa the intimidation and fear, while Clarke was always the welcoming and loving half. Octavia knew better though, because Clarke had an anger streak in her and Lexa’s capability to love so fully was hidden under their stoic mask.

She set the book on the nightstand and looked up at the ceiling. Pictures of her parents, her sister, her brother, her Levy, her grandparents, her friends, her Lincoln, her birth mother, and even a picture of Tris with her and Raven all stared down at her. She wondered how people decided who they were going to be when they grew up.

Raven seemed to have it all figured out, and Charles joined the military at seventeen.  Octavia rolled over, her frustration building that she was leaving for college in a few months and was still clueless what her path was. She rolled again, but couldn’t get comfortable. Getting up off the bed, she moved into the hallway. She could see the light on leaking under the crack of the bathroom door.

She started to move towards the kitchen, but saw Lexa moving quickly down the hall and into the nursery. She watched silently through the fragile light as Lexa spoke to the baby. This was the softness and vulnerability that Lexa reserved solely for their family. _My family._

Clarke appeared shortly after, and Octavia leaned back and watched her mother gazing in at Lexa and Levy. She heard the quiet apology and then watched them embrace each other. Her and Raven would normally retch and act out when their parents showed their love for one another, but this was their moment.

She leaned against the wall, hidden by the darkness. The two’s embrace was heated and then they were pushing into each other, before heading back to their room.  She smiled while shaking her head. _Maybe Lincoln and I will have a love like that when we are old._

The door slammed, and Octavia jumped at the sound. Looking over at the nursery she waited to see if Levi woke. If they did, she decided she would go to tend to the baby so Lexa and Clarke could share their love without disturbance. But the baby didn’t make a sound, and the parents stayed within their room.

The silence returned, but was interrupted by the undeniable sound of retching from the other side of the door.

_What the fuck?_

She moved forward and placed her ear to the door. She heard the girl within choke and retch again. The sound of bile splashed and Octavia knew. Knew that the sound was not an illness induced vomit, but one that was self-made.

**~Tris~**

The slamming of the door startled her momentarily. She stayed still over the toilet, watching the water shift minutely with the waves of sound. The water was clear and the bowl clean. She realized this would be easier if the porcelain was filthy, but the housekeeper that Clarke had hired to help with the harder cleaning that was needed with six people living within a home had scrubbed it clean.

Tris’s knees touched the cold wooden boards and she leaned forward. Leaned into the toilet and stared at the water trying to imagine something disgusting but nothing happened. Taking a finger she reached towards the back of her throat and felt her esophagus contract, her stomach tightening. But still nothing came up.

She tried again, this time two fingers pulling her tongue down. Her body contracted painfully. She choked on the bile rising as the liquid and partially digested pizza flooded her mouth and out into the clear liquid in the ball. The reddish orange fluid disturbed the bowl and she felt as splatters of toilet water splashed back at her.

Droplets of vomit and toilet water hit her face, and the disgust fueled another contraction. Her stomach emptying again, with a similar result.

She wasn’t finished, when the bathroom door opened.

Startled, Tris jumped back wiping the disgust from her face. She looked up to see Octavia staring back down at her. The older girl was moving in a moment. A wet cloth in her hand, then wiping it over her face roughly. The cloth was abrasive and the water cold, but Tris welcomed the abusive touches.

Octavia stopped for a minute, and just stared at her. Octavia’s eyes were a crazy mix of blue and green that made a startling contrast to the dark features that making the girl beautiful. She was the type of girl Tris would crush on, but this was Octavia. The broody teenage dream queen. The senior that would turn heads, and she couldn’t deny that she wanted to immolate the girl.

Octavia’s words were quiet but harsh, her hands finding Tris’ shoulder, as she said, “You are better than this. You are strong, and you are not a victim. You will not fall victim to this. Do you understand me?”

But Tris didn’t understand. She didn’t understand because she wasn’t being a victim right now. She was taking control. Taking control of the only thing she could control, her body.

The teen shook her then, and she looked up again, “No. This is not answer.”

She swallowed the acidic residue that still coated her throat and tongue. It was disgusting and she decided that pizza really only tasted good when it was swallowed. Her eyes threatened to betray her, but she fought them back. Fought them back against Octavia’s angry scowl.

“Why?”

Tris looked to the ground, tracing the edge of blue memory foam bathmat that the other girl knelt on. Traced it back until she couldn’t see it anymore. She swallowed the saliva tinged bile, and looked at the girl that was waiting on her.

Carefully, she whispered, “I need to be like a Trikru.”

**~Octavia~**

As the girl’s confession came out, she understood. She understood what it mean to try to be like the one that wanted you. To try and find a way to be as perfect as they are. Tris was trying to be like Lexa, and she had pushed her to this. Pushed her at pie by calling her chubby.

The mucus gathered in her throat and she swallowed her disgust in her herself. Her grip on the smaller girl lessened, and her hands slid down the girl’s arms. Carefully, she helped the girl to her feet, and pulled Tris into her. She hadn’t hugged the girl. Not once. But it felt right. With her arms around her, she pressed her face next to the girl’s ear, and whispered, “I’m sorry.”

Tris pushed into her, letting her weight fall into Octavia’s strong and capable body. Octavia knew that she was strong, but she had been jealous. Jealous of the way that this girl could connect with Lexa. The way she would do anything to please Lexa. Octavia wasn’t like that. She wasn’t like that with Lexa because she had learned it was impossible with Clarke.

Gradually, she pulled them both up, and guided the girl into the dark hallway and back into her room. She saw Tris glancing around the room, and Octavia realized that she had never allowed the girl within her walls. Within her space.

“Get in bed,” she said, and Tris’ eyes shot up at her in an unsettling alarm.

Octavia’s anger spiked within that this girl would think her intention would be anything less than pure, but she remembered.

 

_Her body was covered in sweat, the sheets soaked through. Octavia shot up from under the dense blanket into the cold winter air when she felt the hands on her. The hands shaking her gently, but there was still someone in her bed and they were touching her._

_“No!” she cried out, moving closer to the wall, the chill soaking through her drenched tank top as the drywall met her. Keeping her in the bed. Blocking her escape from the hands._

_Through the dim light, she could see the blonde sitting at the edge of the bed reaching out for her. Reaching out to touch her._

_Octavia’s mind went to the worse and she kicked at the woman, screaming, “No. You promised… you promised.”_

_But the woman’s hands were on her, and there was nothing she could do when Clarke pulled her into her breast. She could hit her. She could bite her if she got near her mouth._

_But she knew._

_She knew it would be a pointless fight, because if the woman wanted her like that she wouldn’t have the mind to fight it. She would retreat to that place where she could be somewhere while Clarke…_

_But she didn't._

_Clarke didn’t do what Octavia swore was going to happen. She didn’t try to kiss her. She didn’t try to push her hand into areas they didn’t belong._

_No, Clarke ran her fingers over her back, and then pressed the tips of her fingers to her scalp. Touching her in the ways that Aurora would touch her after a nightmare. She was there and she was humming “Somewhere over the rainbow” softly to her. Humming to her as Octavia’s body relaxed into a cold shiver._

_Once she was soothed, Clarke moved to the dresser and pulled out a fresh set of clothes. Without a word, Clarke stared into Octavia’s young eyes, never looking down as she pulled the wet top from her naked form. Never glancing down at the forbidden temptation. No, she just tossed away the wet shirt and pulled the dry one on. She handed Octavia the shorts and turned her back so the girl could take care of the bottom half on her own._

_Clarke voice was a whisper, when she heard the girl’s weight settle back on the bed. “I know you can’t trust me yet, O. But your bed is soaked and I don’t want you to get sick, so come with me.”_

_Octavia wasn’t sure why she followed, but she did. Followed the woman down the hall and through the still sparsely furnished living room. Followed her to the master bedroom._

_She stood in the doorway, and watched as Clarke pulled back the covers on the side that she clearly rarely slept on. Clarke gestured to the bed, and Octavia knew then that Clarke intended on Octavia sleeping in her bed. The girl’s face must have shown her fear, because Clarke moved then, taking the pillow from the bed and one of the blankets. She laid them out on the floor at the foot of the bed. The blonde laid down on the floor and wrapped herself in the blanket._

_Octavia didn’t know what to do. She shifted her weight from side to side as her skin pebbled into goose pimples. She watched as Clarke shifted to her belly, and wrapped her arms around the pillow, shifting on the hard tile floor._

_“You’re going to get sick,” she found herself saying. And she wasn’t sure where it was coming from. Was she saying that Clarke should sleep with her, or was she planning on going back to her own space._

_Clarke didn’t move though to get on the bed, just shifted again, and pressed her head to the pillow. “You take the bed. I am fine.”_

_Octavia didn’t get in the bed though. She moved towards the foot and laid down next to the blonde, wrapping an arm around the woman’s waist so she could press her cold body into the woman’s. And Clarke let her. Let her press into her and steal away her body heat._

_“You’re supposed to be on the bed,” Clarke said with a slight chuckle._

_Octavia moved in closer, “If you’re getting sick, so am I.”_

_But the woman shifted then, turning so that they were facing one another. Clarke looked young. Young enough to not be her mother, but Clarke didn’t show it in her eyes. Nothing but love fell from her gaze._

_“Will you sleep on the bed if I move there?”_

_Octavia bit her lip, and she said, “Can you not hold me? I don’t think… I don’t think that I can handle it.”_

_Clarke nodded, and smiled softly, saying, “I prefer to be the little spoon anyways.”_

_They didn’t say anything else. Octavia crawled into the bed on the left, and Clarke on the right. They didn’t touch as the covers were pulled up over them._

_That was the first night Octavia didn’t wake from another nightmare. The first night she really believed that with Clarke she was safe._

She glared at the girl, and placed her hands on her hips. Tris seemed to stand a little straighter and Octavia recognized the feral animal looking back at her. She point to the bed, and said, “Get in the bed.”

Tris shook her head.

“I was raped for three years, Tris. I have no intention of doing that to you. I want to protect you,” and then Octavia said, “Besides you are going to be like my sister. That would just be wrong.”

“Raven was with your brother,” the girl stated. And Octavia grimaced, and waved.

“Yep, but we… we just try not to think about that.”

Tris still stood in the doorway of the room, and Octavia huffed in annoyance. She grabbed a large comforter from the dirty pile on the floor and laid if out on the ground. Grabbing a pillow, she threw it to the ground and laid down.

_Why does she have to be so difficult like me?_

Tris stood still and just watched, and she said, “I have my own bed.”

Octavia looked up at her, with her hands under her head. The ground was cold and hard. Really it was uncomfortable and Octavia wondered if it would be better if the girl just went to her bed. But she had started this and was hell bent on finishing it. Hell bent on being like Clarke. Making this girl feel at home.

“I don’t want to be alone and neither do you,” she stated.

Tris took a step forward, but then took a step backwards and ended up just barely within the room. Octavia rolled her eyes as she shook her head, “You act like we didn’t have a sleep over in Raven’s room.”

Tris was biting her lip, and Octavia regretted not making the girl brush her teeth after hearing her puke her guts out. “You’re not going to…”

“Nope, I am not going to touch you,” she gestured to the bed. “I did plan on having sister cuddle time but since you have to make things difficult you can have the bed and I will take the floor.”

Tris moved then forward and crawled over the base of the bed. She moved close to the wall, and laid down. Octavia grunted and got up from the floor, hitting the light off before starting to crawl back to the floor.

“What is sister cuddle time?” she heard echo off the wall that the teen was facing.

Octavia took a deep breath, and explained, “When things are hard, or they seem too much, Raven and I cuddle into one bed and just hold each other. Because we are Trikru-Griffins and we are together. We have each other. I wanted to be there for you.”

She could hear the breathes and the quiet crying from above her. She heard it but she didn’t move from her spot on the ground. Tris didn’t want her to hold her. Tris didn’t want to hold her either. And she wondered. She wondered if Tris would ever want to be a Trikru-Griffin.

But the soft strangled words from the bed came, as though the girl possessed the same freaky power that Lexa had. The power of telepathy. “What’s the difference between being a Trikru and a Trikru-Griffin?”

Octavia rolled on her side, but still couldn’t find comfort in the unforgiving floor boards. She closed her eyes and thought about it. Carefully she said, “I have never been just a Trikru. I have been a Griffin though. Being a Griffin meant being kind and open to others. Being a Griffin meant smiling for family photos and participating in family occasions. Being a Griffin meant being apart of Mom, and honestly, I couldn’t imagine my life without her.”

The room’s darkness swallowed her words, and they both just breathed in the emptiness. “When Nontu came, it was different. They were different from Mom, and they had different things they needed. Like tonight. They can’t handle sharing food, so we get them their own slice. Trikru’s are harder, their edges more ridged and dense. They are not always welcoming and they hide within themselves.”

She could tell Tris was listening carefully. Octavia added, “Trikrus love though. They love deeply and berate themselves when they feel they are letting their family down. They all seem to carry this heavy sense of failure, and its heartbreaking.”

She swallowed a deep breath and considered what her life would have been if it was Lexa that had asked her what was wrong instead of Clarke. But she didn’t want to think about it. “I wouldn’t be me without Mom… But I couldn’t image my life without Nontu now that they are here. Kind of like I never wanted Mom to have a partner or other kids. I was so scared that she would forget me.”

“Are you jealous of Levi?” the girl asked.

Octavia laughed a little, and shook her head. Shook her head, as she said, “When she first told us she was pregnant, I was. Gram always use to tell us both that Mom would be so happy when she finally had her own kids. So I wasn’t jealous, no I was scared. I’m insecure too.”

“Are you jealous of me?”

Octavia sat up and said, “No and yes. I am jealous that you are blood to them. But I am not jealous of you being here. I just need… I just need to remember myself sometimes.”

She laid back down. Her eyes were closed when she heard the sheets ruffle. Opening her eyes she could see Tris’ face looking down at her. The girl’s head was tilted some, and Octavia knew she wanted to say something, so she waited.

The girl licked her lower lip, before she pulled it within her mouth and bit down on it between her teeth. “Spit it out, kid, before you droll on my forehead.”

**~Tris~**

Octavia’s sheets were soft, and Tris enjoyed the way the felt against her skin. They were warm and smelled of the older girl. She wondered if she could be like Octavia. She tried to be quiet as she moved over the bed to look down at the girl on the floor.

“Spit it out, kid, before you droll on my forehead,” she said to Tris, and the girl couldn’t help but smile with her lip still between her teeth.

“What’s it like to be a Trikru-Griffin?”

Octavia looked up at her, and her eyes were honest as the words fell off her tongue, “Like being complete even though I know that I am partially broken.”

 _Complete but broken…_ Tris chewed on these ideas.

She rolled back over on to the bed, pulling her arms up to hold up her neck. Facing the wall again, she though over who she was. She thought about how many years she spent wishing she was not a Washington, that when she found another name she wanted so badly to become that. Become a Trikru.

“Octavia?” she whispered, wondering if the older girl had fallen asleep. But the girl hummed in acknowledgement. She pulled her knees up to her chest, as she confessed her own insecurities, “Do you think Griffin will ever want me?”

There was no hesitation from the floor, as she stated, “She is the first one that wanted you, Tris.”

_Clarke wants me?_

Tris’ mind was wheeling. She had thought she was only allowed to stay for Lexa and the Trikru family. But Clarke had wanted her. Clarke had wanted to give her a home.

_Clarke wants me._

“Octavia?” and this time the girl huffed out a breath of exasperation.

She moved on the creaking floor boards, and said, “I’m already on the floor, you going to keep me up all night too?”

Tris swallowed, and said, “Can I be a Trikru-Griffin?”

The floor creaked again. The floor creaked as the teen got up and slid into the bed. She fell down on the pillow and Tris felt Octavia’s arm slide under her neck and the other hand pull her in. Her mouth was close, and the breath was tickling her neck and cheek.

“Yes, you can, if you want to be.” Then Octavia snuggled in closer, and added, “But you got to leanr to cuddle and you can’t puke out everything you eat or stop eating. You can’t cut into your skin and you can’t runaway.”

_How can I be perfect then?_

She allowed Octavia to hold her close. The older girl holding on to her, like she was supporting her back and protecting her falling off the bed. Protecting her from the world.

_Trikru-Griffins protect each other from isolation._

_Trikru-Griffins do not have to be prefect._

_Trikru-Griffins are themselves._

Tris felt her skin warming and the grumbling of her stomach. She didn’t like the feeling of being hungry. She was stupid to think that she could starve herself to be perfect.

Because she wasn’t here to be a Trikru. Lexa wasn’t even a Trikru. Lexa was a Trikru-Griffin, just like Octavia and Raven. Just like Clarke. And Clarke wanted her. Wanted her to be a Trikru-Griffin and not a Washington.

_Clarke wants me, and I have to learn to cuddle._

She shifted back, allowing her weight to lean back into Octavia. The older girl held her tighter and whispered a quiet, “Good night, kid.”

She smiled, and whispered her own good night with another word that tingled on her lips, “Good night, sister.”


	35. ... embrace the moments for what they are...

**~Lexa~**

The sun was peaking through the window when Lexa untwined their body from Clarke’s warmth. Their body was sore from Clarke’s repeated assault on the areas that took them to their edge only to bring them back down without allowing them to fall over.

Three days until they could have their way with her, left Clarke with the power to rule over their body with a control they rarely allowed her. And she had taken it quickly and irrevocably. They looked over the slight abrasion on their ankles where the blonde had tied them to the bed. The marks of their inability to keep their body still as they bucked and canted against Clarke’s mouth and dick.

They rolled over, pressing a kiss to blonde’s neck. She grunted in morning annoyance as being disturbed. But they didn’t stop their kisses, as they slid a hand to cup her silky warmth. She ground into their hand but then twisted to bury her face into pillow, hoarsely saying, “Need sleep.”

“Then sleep, Prisa,” Lexa answered, pressed their finger between the folds of their wife to rub a soft circle over her clit before rolling the nub between their index finger and thumb. Clarke’s hips canted into the touch, and they knew they even if her face remained in the pillow she was willing, if not begging.

Giving the numb another twist, they heard her throaty moan, and they bit into her pale shoulder. Stroking her wetness, they felt her moving into them. Without warning they pulled their hand away, turning the woman on her back and straddling her. The blonde’s face scrunched at the loss of contact and being so forcefully moved from her sleeping position. They ran their own drenched cunt over her, moaning in their own pleasure. Blue eyes opened still covered in sleepy crust, but they paid no notice, taking their own pleasure on her body as though she were nothing more than their personal fucking post. When she tried to move they gripped her hands back to the bed, and ground their sex into the top of her pelvis mercilessly.

“Lek-sa,” the woman whined, but they just smiled and canted their hips against her.

When the woman tried to push against them, they hissed, “You wanted to sleep, so sleep. I will take my own pleasure.”

Clarke huffed in annoyance and pressed her hips upward giving them more pressure against their clit as they spread their arousal over her. Marking her with their scent. They continued their assault on her body, keeping her pinned and struggling as they made their way to their climax. They felt it rising in their belly, the hot heat of tension twisting. Their movements became more frantic, as they began to lose control, their precipice approaching quickly.

Faltering their hands slipped from Clarke’s wrists, the edge too close. But Clarke took advantage of their trust and she grabbed their ass forcefully. The blonde pulled and Lexa relented not in a state of mind to fight their wife. She pulled and they rose to her face, finding a personal throne on her jaw. The blonde’s tongue dipped into them as they pressed their sex into her face. The warmth of her wet mouth was almost too much. They gripped the dense wooden headboard and pressed the pulsing nerves to the blonde nose. With her tongue within and their harsh movements against her face the tension within them broke.

They road her tongue, but felt a shiver run up their spine when the blonde’s tongue turned to ice, signaling her own climax. Glancing back, they saw the woman’s right hand buried in her own pussy, thrusting viciously with the heal of her palm pressed against her clit. Her abdomen contracted and tongue became lazy as she lost her focus on them and fell to her own pleasure.

They shifted on shaky legs from Clarke’s cum soaked chin down the blonde’s body, until their face was even with hers. She smiled lazily through hooded eyes back at them, and they pressed their lips to hers, tasting their climax on her precious mouth.

“Good morning, beautiful,” Lexa says pulling back from their kiss and running a soft the pads of her fingers over their wife’s cheek as they cupped her chin. They press another sweet and soft kiss to her lips before running their thumb over her plump lower lip.

“Too early,” the woman said, but smiled up at them. They giggled lightly, but the baby woke then. Clarke took a deep breath and pouted out her lower lip, “Too early.”

Lexa got up and pulled on a pair of forest green spandex running pants and matching top that clung to their body, highlighting their beauty.

Clarke moved from the bed, huffing in irritation, “Why do you have to be so fucking beautiful first thing in the morning, huh?” She was moving to the bathroom, when Lexa caught her in their arms and began another attack on her throat, but she squirmed in their embrace.

“Lek-sa, I have to pee!”

 They suck down mercilessly, holding her in place. With their good hand they pinch her clit again, and she squirmed more. Pulling their lips from her neck growled in her ear, “You will do as I say, Prisa. Hold still.”

She tried to hold still but her knee shook slightly. Her breath was pained as she whispered, “Please, Commander. I need to pee.”

Lexa have her over sensitive clit one more stroke before releasing her. She moved swiftly, and Lexa could hear the ungraceful thumb of her bare cheeks hitting the porcelain lid, followed by a sigh of relief.

They moved from the bedroom, hearing Levi cry out once again for someone to come and rescue them from their isolation. Once in the nursery, they quickly scrubbed their hands and face with several baby wipes, before moving to the crib.

Looking in they saw their baby with raised fists and open mouth calling out for their mother. Smiling, Lexa pulled the child from the crib, their cried instantly calming. They pressed their lips to the tiny head, and whispered, “Good morning, Sunshine.”

They felt the wet diaper, and moved to the changing table. Clarke had promised to be on diaper duty but they felt cruel leaving the child in their own urine even for a few minutes it would take Clarke to put herself together. They changed the diaper, grateful it was only wet.

Once the diaper was in place, they walked back down the hall to find their wife still naked searching for clothes for the day. They handed their wife the child, and watched as she held her breast to the small mouth that was opening and shutting knowing that their mother was there. Once latched, Clarke gave Lexa a helpless look before she moved still nude to the chair and leaned back into a more comfortable position.

“I’ll be back with your coffee after my run,” Lexa says taking one last look at the blonde who doesn’t bother responding with more than a wave. Lexa sighed and left the room, wondering if Clarke would ever look down at Levi feeding and have that sense of adoration that the breastfeeding mother’s page on Facebook always spoke of. Lexa wasn’t a breastfeeding mother, but they has subscribed to the page to see if Clarke’s reaction was normal.

They were pulled from their thoughts though when they entered Octavia’s room and found the older girl laying on the edge of the bed, covered in a curtain of brown curls. They sat on the inch of bed available and ran their finger down the bridge of teen’s nose. Their morning 6am wake up call to the girl.

Her eye lashes fluttered briefly and she quickly began to swipe at the hair covering her face. Huffing out a breath of air, Lexa cocked and eyebrow and glanced over at Tris’ unconscious body before meeting the girl’s sleepy eyes.

“Don’t ask,” she said, and Lexa scrunched their face before shaking their head and getting up from the bed. They dug through the dresser and pulled out a set running clothes and toss them to the girl that had managed to wiggle her way free from the girl.

Lexa stood with their back the teen as she changed into her clothes and then moved from the room to the bathroom. Turning back to the bed, Lexa moved forward and went to pull the covers up over the girl but the raised flesh that peaked out from the shirt that had ridden up caught their attention. They ran their finger over the circular burn mark and they catalogued the six visible marks that marred the child’s body. Their chest constricted and they took note of the faded stripes of scarring from other instruments that had hurt the girl’s flesh.

The girl stirred and retracted their hand from her. She turned over and blinked several times, confusion as to where she was flashing over her face, but when Octavia reentered the room it seemed as though Tris remembered where she was.

“Okay, I’m ready,” the older girl said, pulling her long hair up in a ponytail and securing it with a rubber band.

Tris sat up, eyes hopeful, she asked, “Can I come?”

Lexa looked back at Octavia whose eyes were squinted at the girl. Turning back, Lexa said, “Maybe next time. This is kind of our thing.” They gestured between themself and Octavia.

Octavia huffed though and moved back to her dresser. She was rummaging through the drawer and Lexa saw her pull out a spare set of running clothes. She tossed them to the girl that was bouncing off the bed and turned her back quickly to the other two bodies in the room. Lexa took in the rest of the scars that covered the girl’s back as she pull off her shirt and replaced it with the tighter tank top that was a little big but still fit decently.

When Tris reached from the top of her pants, Lexa turned back to Octavia and mouthed a simple, “Are you sure?”

Octavia shrugged, answering audibly, “I am going to be leaving in a few months so we have to get her trained to run with you so you will have enough hands for Mom’s drink when I’m not here anymore.”

Lexa nodded and then Tris was out of the room, sprinting down the hall to her own room. She came back with a pair of worn out All Star Chucks on her feet. Lexa looked down at the girl’s feet and shook their head, “You’re going to get blisters in those.”

Tris’ eyes fell to her feet. She bit her lip and shrugged, “It’s okay.”

“Oh my god! How do you not have tennis shoes?” Digging through her closet she pulled out a pair of shoes, tossing one at a time back at the girl. The girl fell to the ground and pulled off the non-supportive shoes replacing them with tattered Nikes. Quickly pushing herself back up, she bounced in the hand me down shoes and smiled excitedly. Octavia laughed then, and moved forward wrapping her arm around the girl’s shoulders and turning her out of the room, “Don’t be too happy. They’re going to break you today, and sitting through class is going to suck.”

Lexa watched the two, and couldn’t help but think, _pie is magical._

**~Tris~**

Her thighs burned, and shook as she sat at the wooden Starbucks table with Octavia and Lexa. They all were gleaming with sweat, and the cold air that filtered through the establishment rose her skin in small goose pimples.

“Are you listening?” Octavia asked, snapping her fingers in front of girl’s face. She had zoned out even though the older one had told her this was important.

Tris looked up and tried to repeat the order, “Griffin drinks an iced vanti whole milk chai, and Nontu gets an-“

Octavia shakes her head, “No, iced VEN-TI, 5 pumps –you can’t forget the five pumps- whole milk lite ice chai.”

“Don’t forget the lite ice, she acts like she is dying if the cup has too much ice,” Lexa stated, eyes still locked on the Wall Street Journal.

“Commander it tastes different with too much ice,” Octavia whined in her best Clarke impersonation. Lexa snorted, and nodded.

“But Lexi, how could you let them put two percent in the my drink?” Lexa contributes in their own mocking tone. The two Trikru-Griffins laughed, and Tris smiled because she had heard the blonde make similar cries when her drink was wrong.

Octavia turned back to Tris, “Again.”

“Venti chai with five pump and light ice,” she tried again, but she knew she forgot something again. _Why does it have to be so complicated?_

“Whole milk,” Octavia added with a huff of exasperation. “It’s really not that hard, and you need to know this because if you want something from Mom or you are in trouble or she is just being bitchy this is the insta-fix.”

“Lexa, your order is ready,” the blue haired barista called out. Lexa moved over to the counter and smiled at the girl.

“How are you Caris?” they asked, smiling at the girl that they saw almost daily.

The girl answered sweetly, “I’m great, another day of caffeinated paradise.”

Lexa nodded, but was stopped by a whithered hand on their arm. The older woman gestured to Octavia and Tris standing by holding their drinks, and said, “Excuse me, I don’t mean to over step, but I just wanted to tell you that your family is beautiful.” Tris looked at Lexa who glanced over the two girls and then back to the woman. Their voice was calm and soothing as they answered the woman, “Thank you so much. We have managed to find the most amazing kids to complete our family.”

The woman’s head turned slightly, and she looked at the girls. Octavia smiled back, and stated, “We’re adopted. All of three of us. My sister’s at home.”

The woman smile broadened then and Tris felt her gut twist a little. Her realization that she wasn’t adopted yet. She wasn’t one of them yet. Her eyes fell to the ground and she stared at the tattered shoes on her feet.

The older woman’s voice was even warmer, as she told Lexa how amazing it was to see such a happy family and that she was grateful to see them. Tris took in a breath, and decided that she would do what was required to become a Trikru-Griffin, so that when people complimented the family she could be included.

Quietly, she chanted to herself, “Iced venti, five pump chai with whole milk and light ice.”

**~Clarke~**

The kids and Lexa were all at school, and Clarke was left in the house alone with Levi. She finished placing the breakfast dishes in the sink and looked over the kicking kid in the bouncy chair on the island. Their facial expressions shifting with each bounce. She knew they were wearing themselves out quickly, so she gathered up the kid and readied them for a walk.

Once the backpack was filled with all the baby necessities and her Macbook Air and external hard drive, Clarke strapped Levi into the stroller. She pulled her hair back into a messy bun, and pulled the phone from her pocket. She hit the speed dial for Luna and pushed the stroller out of the house as the phone rang.

“ _Bueno_ ,” the woman’s voice came across the other line.

Clarke stalled on the porch and looked over to the Griffin house. “Hey, Lun, you ready?”

“ _Si, un momento,”_ and the line went dead. Clarke placed the phone back into the pocket of her overly large boyfriend sweater. She saw Luna waddle out from the home across the street with her own backpack secured to her back.

Clarke smiled and then waved, as she negotiated the stroller down the porch steps. Levi gurgled in pleasure as the bumpy ride and the sunlight dancing through the leaves over head. Luna met them on their side of the street, and leaned down slightly to greet the infant. “Buenos dias,” the woman cooed and gripped Levis tiny socked foot.

Standing up with her hand son her back, Clarke looked over the hugely pregnant woman. Smiling she said, “I won’t lie looking at you, I am glad they came out early.”

Luna huffed out a breath of annoyance, before responding, “I want her out too. Never again, Clarke.” Luna was shaking her head, as they two proceeded down the road toward Starbucks. It had been a week of daily walks. The women walked for different reasons, but they enjoyed each other’s company.

“How is the new book coming?” Luna asked. Clarke appreciated the question because Luna had taken on the role of idea bouncer. She could throw ideas out and Luna would ask questions that helped Clarke develop her characters further.

“I’m stuck at the abyss,” Clarke stated, her faced set in concentration. They had made it to the corner, when Clarke spoke deeper, “I know that the mentor must die, it's the only thing that will move the story forward, but I just can’t kill Skylar that easily. I mean she finally got her moment with the girl. Finally got to be the mother she wanted to be and for me to kill her. I just feel like a murderer.”

Luna smiled and looked over at Clarke, “How do you get so connected to these imaginary figures, Clarke. It’s not like she is real. Not like she will bleed out on your hands when she dies.”

“She’s a piece of me though,” they crossed the street into the small Starbucks parking lot and moved to the interior. Taking a seat at a patio table, Clarke withdrew her phone and pulled up the mobile order app. Navigating the stroller within the building was always difficult because Lexa had elected to purchase the largest running stroller they could locate. Pulling up their daily order, she hit the purchase button and began setting out her stuff. Levi had settled into their morning nap along the way so Clarke knew she had a minimum of 45 minutes to work. Luna settled herself in the chair across from the blonde and kicked her swollen feet and ankles up on a separate chair, and a copy of _Atlas Shrugged_ in her hands.

Adrift in the words on the screen, Clarke lost track of the time from when she ordered. Caris exited the building with Luna and Clarke’s drinks. She set them down at the table and pulled the green apron from her chest, while setting a small timer on the table. Clarke took the drink from the table without a word and took a sip, before finishing the sentence that she had begun.

Closing the laptop, she smiled over at Caris, “Break?” The younger woman nodded, and stretched some. Luna turned a page, and took a sip of the decaf cinnamon cappuccino.

“How are things?” Clarke asked, and Caris just shrugged.

“Nothing much going on today. I am training this new barista that's supposed to be here shortly. Figured I would spend sometime with my favorite customers before I had to show her the ropes,” Caris leaned over and looked in the stroller at the sleeping babe. “They are beautiful… Lexa was in here with O and the new girl and some lady stopped them to tell’em how beautiful their kids were. Lexa’s face like lit up, it was so awesome because normally they are just…”

“Stoic,” Clarke supplied knowing the term that everyone used to describe Lexa’s resting bitch face. Caris smiled and nodded.

Luna laughed, and added, “I am surprised they didn’t just stare at the lady and be like ‘Thank you very graciously’.”

Clarke looked up and saw a familiar face making her way through the parking lot dressed all in black. Her black hair was pulled back into a straight ponytail, and Clarke had to admit that she looked much better than the last time she had seen the her. Caris looked up as well, and nodded to the person approaching, “Well that is my new trainey.”

Clarke’s eyes shot from Caris to the woman and she choked on the spit of latte that she hand just inhaled. Her gasps and coughing pulled Levi from their rest early and they cried out for the gasping mother. Caris was rubbing her back, as she tried to catch her breath.

Once her coughing subsided, the startled woman stood ten feet away staring at her. Clarke didn’t know what to do, so hoarsely, she said, “Hello Costia.”

“Hello Clarke.”

Levi’s cries grew more demanding, and the blonde pulled her attention from Lexa’s ex to the stroller, retrieving the infant. She pulled them out in their little white onesie with the small letter that told all adults “instructions not included.”  Holding the baby up to her chest, she caught Costia’s eyes again staring at Levi.

Caris cleared her throat, and asked, “You two know each other?”

Clarke nodded in true Trikru style, and affirmed, “Yes, Costia is Lexa’s ex.” Luna laughed, as Caris audibly swallowed.

Waving her hand at Costia, Luna stated, “I’m not laughing at you, just that Lexa and Clarke and the girls like live here so this is going to be the best comedy show this century. A true Novella!”

Clarke’s eyes glared at Luna, but were pulled back to the woman, when she asked, “Is that-“

Clarke looked to Levi, and shifted them around to look over at the woman. The baby tossed their little hands in the air and kicked downward in excitement at seeing the world. “This is Levi.”

 

**~Raven~**

Raven got out of classes and hour earlier than Octavia, because she chose not to torture herself with an extra course of literary study. Without any place to go and homework already completed, she lay in the bed of the truck with her headphones blaring while she waited for Octavia and Tris. The light behind her eyelids shifted darker and she opened them to see the one face she didn’t want to see above her.

Without thinking about it, she thrust her fist forward landing the heel of her hand into Bellamy’s nose. The man fell backwards holding his face, trying not to choke on his own blood. She knew he hated blood so she felt slightly vindicated in his pain and discomfort at the moment.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” she hissed as she pushed herself awkwardly upward. He was still holding his face, but he looked over at her with sorrowful eyes.

“I’m clean. I just needed to see you. I need-“

Raven’s crutch collapsed against the side of his head as she swore at him, “I don’t give a flying fuck what you need, fucktard. You bailed for powder when I fucking needed you, and I didn’t fucking matter to your pinche ass then.”

He shook his head, probably from the ringing the crutch against his head had caused, but she didn’t care. She wanted him gone.

“Raven, I-“

She went to hit him again, but he pulled the crutch from her hand and tossed it out of the car. “Fucking bastard, I don't’ care what you mean. And when Octavia gets out here she is going to beat the fuck out of you too if Lincoln doesn’t get to you first.”

The tears started to fall from her eyes, and she tried to approach her again, but she pushed him away. “Don’t touch me. Don’t come near me. Don’t come near my family.”

“I’m clean. I fucked up but I’m clean now and I am not going back,” he begged. “I need you, Ray.”

Raven looked the defeated look of the freckled face over. Her heart cried out in sympathy but then her vision flashed and she saw the hairless Latino drug dealer chasing her through the apartment complex. The man that was going to sell her virginity to pay her mother’s drug debt. And she knew there was no going back.

“It’s over Bellamy. You chose drugs over me.”

Bellamy’s hands were on her leg and she didn’t realize it because she couldn’t feel it at first but then she saw. She saw that he was touching her and she tried to pull away, but she couldn’t. The helplessness she felt was overwhelming and her chest tightened.

She needed to get away, but she couldn’t move.

She needed to run from him, but she couldn’t move.

She needed to flee quickly from this, but she couldn’t move.

Her chest was heaving as the anxiety flooded her system, making it too difficult to breath. Her gasping was choked and the tears streamed from her face. She couldn’t see what was happening, just felt the hands on her. She tried to push the hands away, but the voice nearest her was telling her she was okay. That she was going to be okay.

“Raven,” the female voice spoke, “You’re having a panic attack, but its going to be okay. Octavia’s here and so am I.”

“I can’t move,” she cried out, her eyes clenched shut not wanting to see their faces, but they flashed in her mind anyways.

Jesus.

Fynn.

Bellamy.

Lilliana.

It was too much, and she cried. She cried as her lungs fought for hair against the muscles in her chest telling her diaphragm not to move. She was pulling at her shirt, but felt a hand take hers and press it to their chest.

“I need you to breathe with me,” the voice said. “Feel my chest breathe out. Follow me.”

Raven forced the air into her lungs. When her hand fell with the exhale she released the breath. Her hand rose and she inhaled. Gradually, her breath steadied and when she opened her eyes she saw Trikru green irises staring back at her. The girl was still holding Raven’s hand to her chest, and still taking in deep breaths.

“There you are,” Tris said quietly.

Raven reached forward and pulled the teen into her embrace. She clung to the girl, and said over and over again, “Thank you. Thank you.” The words were still shakey, but Tris held her back.

“It’s okay. You’re okay. I know what they are like. They are scary but you’re okay,” the girl explained.

The weight of the truck shifted, and Raven could see Octavia approaching her. She released Tris some, and Octavia took her hand to help her up. The tears were drying on her cheeks as she said, “Bellamy was here… he was touching me but I couldn't feel it and I freaked out.”

Octavia nodded in understanding, and said, “You’re okay, Ray. Lincoln showed his ass off campus. Good show by the way.”

“He threw my crutch because I hit him with it.”

Octavia’s face flushed in anger, and she swore, “I’m going to fucking kill him.”

Raven pushed down the truck bed until her legs were dangling off the tailgate. She moved her weight down with Octavia’s help and Lincoln returned with her crutch in hand. Handing it over, Raven took in the sight of his knuckles. They were split and bleeding.

“You’re bleeding,” Raven said, and Lincoln help up his hand.

Glancing it over, Octavia grabbed his hand and pressed on the abrasions lightly. When he winced, she rolled her eyes and slugged him in the shoulder. “Stop being a baby.”

“It hurts,” he hissed, and then added, “not like I am not all ready messed up from Trikru’s attack last night.”

Octavia turned to Raven and together they said, “Gram.”

**~Lexa~**

The teacher made it to Abby’s office floor shortly after the release of their final class. They had received a text from Octavia explaining that Bellamy had come to see Raven and Lincoln had _maybe_ punched him in the face… a few times.

They could hear the boy wincing and the teen swearing all the way down the hallway. “That fucking bastard. I am going to fucking kill him. No, I am going to torture him first. How fucking dare him. How dare he think he could back after… after.”

“Sit down, Ok-te-via,” Lexa said, as they turned the corner. Glancing around the office, they sighed in frustration at the number of hours they had already spent in this fucking hospital. Looking to Abby they nodded, “Mom.”

Abby was finishing wrapping the boy’s hand, while his mother stood patiently by the wall overseeing. Going to stand next to Indra, they watched the room. Indra silently held out her palm, and Lexa rant heir hand over hers. They both fought back the smile, but Octavia had noticed them. “Did you just high-five each other? You have got to be kidding me.”

“That’s plenty,” Indra stated, and Octavia sat down closing her mouth. Moving towards her son, Indra looked over the bandage and to Abby. “Thank you, Dr. Griffin.” Indra shook Abby’s hand, and the Woods family made their way out of the room. They could hear Indra congratulating Lincoln on protecting the people in his life.

Lexa approached Raven and pulled her into them. The girl wrapped her arms around them and Lexa held her as they felt the girl shake a little. She confessed, “I had a panic attack… but… but Tris helped me.”

Locking eyes with the other teen standing near the wall, Lexa smiled softly and mouthed, “Thank you.”

When they released their daughter, they pulled the surly one over and hugged her as well. Lexa knew that even though Octavia was fuming mad, she was probably extremely torn about having to choose between her brother and her sister. They understood that Raven may have lost a boyfriend, but Octavia was going through the loss of her brother. “You okay, Disney?” The girl nodded, and held Lexa tightly, suggesting that she wasn’t but she was pretending.

Once Octavia released her, Lexa turned to the other girl, and pulled her in too. They hugged the younger, and pressed their lips to her curly head. It was an emotional moment as Lexa made time for each other their children, but it felt right. They were theirs, and there was a moment of pride they felt in themselves as they thought of the woman’s words from early. They whispered to themselves, “You have beautiful children.

When the hugging ceased they turned to Abby. The older woman was smiling, and she explained, “So this weekend, me and the girls have a tradition to keep up.” Lexa raised and eyebrow and looked at the girls. They waited silently for an explanation, and Octavia was happy to provide it.

“Grandma-Granddaughter Spa Weekend!” Lexa smiled remembering the last time the girls had left for the weekend, Clarke and Lexa had spent the days breaking in every surface within the home. The flush crept up their face, and they girl gagged, “You are so gross. I know what you are thinking. NO sex on my bed!”

“Octavia,” Abby stated shaking her head and slapping the girl on the arm. Turning back to Lexa, Abby added, “I haven’t had a chance to tlak with Clarke, but since it is referred to as Grandma-Granddaughter Spa Weekend, I was wondering if we may take Tris with us as well?”

Lexa turned to see the girl’s face shoot up from where she was hiding by the wall. Her eyes were in shock that she would be invited on the girl’s trip and it made Lexa smile. Turning back to Abby, they said, “I will speak with Clarke, but I am sure she would appreciate the house to ourselves this weekend. Plus it will give them the chance to have some bonding moments before everyone up and leaves us with only a half filled nest.” Turning back to Tris, Lexa asked, “That is if you want to go with them?”

“Yes, please,” she said, and Lexa smiled when the girl moved away from the wall and approached the rest of the family. Looking down Lexa noticed the girl was still wearing Octavia’s shoes.

Turning back to the girls, Lexa stated, “Come on, girls. Your mom is waiting at home and we all know she is going to want to take you shopping before you leave.”

“SHOPPING!” Octavia hooted, an arm around Tris’s shoulders.

They watched their girls move from the room and they went to follow before turning back to Abby. Quietly they asked, “You will take care of her right?”

Abby looke dup in confusion, “Lex, I am sure Tris will be-“ but Lexa shook their head and Abby’s eyes grew. “Oh.”

“You need to protect her. Be there for her.”

Abby came in and wrapped Lexa within her arms and said quietly, “I will protect her. I promise it wasn’t my idea.”

Lexa nodded, and pulled away. They swiped their hand under their eyes and turned to leave again. As they left the office, Lexa pulled their phone from their pocket, and snapped the photo of the three girl’s backs walking together as one unit. They loved the way their family had grown, but they were also internally celebrating the way their family would be absent this weekend. 

Just in time...


	36. ... make plans, but live in the moment...

**~Raven~**

The entire family was at the mall. Lexa hung by the stroller, scrolling through their phone in irritation at the amount of time that the girls were spending in the small clothing shop. Raven sat on the small bench also waiting, but less irritated. Tris was in the dressing room with more clothes than the girl had ever had the chance to try on. Coming out, the younger girl showed off a pair of fitted boot cut jeans with a tight green tank top.

“Looks good, kid,” she said, and watched as Clarke moved over with a light hoodie in her hand. Clarke turned the girl, appraising the fit before sticking two fingers into the waist band to check if the jeans were too tight. Raven smiled, because Clarke always checked the fit, refusing to buy clothes that were too tight for her girls.

“They fit well,” the blonde said. Looking with the girl at the jeans in the mirror, she asked, “Do you want them?”

Raven was surprised to see the girl shake her head from side to side. Clarke’s brows srunched and she ran her hand over the girl’s back. “Do you not like them?”

Tris shook her head again, this time sucking an already swollen lip in her mouth. Her teeth worked against the skin, and even Raven was a little worried. Gradually the girl released her own lip, and the words came out very quietly, “They are too much.” Clarke’s head tilted, and she still looked confused. “You only get $200 for clothes for the year and you already spent most of that last time we went shopping. I need shoes to run with Nontu and Octavia. I don’t need new jeans.”

Raven snorted, and Lexa had found their way over to where they stood. They too were concerned then, but Clarke’s hands were on the girl and holding her still. Raven watched as her mother tried to find the words to tell the girl that it was okay, but Raven knew what Tris was feeling. She had felt the same way the first time Clarke had taken her shopping. Feeling like she had to keep track of every penny so that one day she could pay the woman back.

“Tris, you do not have to keep track of price tags. If you want the jeans, we’ll get the jeans, and Lexa already told me you need shoes so we will get them too,” Clarke stated, but the girl turned from her and went back into the dressing room.

Clarke looked back at Raven and Lexa, who both shrugged. There was nothing they could do to make the girl take Clarke’s gifts. Honestly, Clarke at times was overly giving, wanting her daughters to never want for anything. Looking at them, Clarke’s face flushed, “You two are no help.”

Raven called out then, “She’s loaded, kid, this is how she tells you she loves you.”

Clarke threw the other jeans she had in her hands at the older girl. “What? She doesn’t get that. She thinks you don’t want her.” She could see as the pain flashed over Clarke’s face and the woman turned back to the dressing room where Tris had reemerged with the same clothes she had come into the store in and made her way to the entrance of the door with her head angled down.

Raven hadn’t thought before she spoke, rather her leg throbbed from over use and she just wanted to retreat back into her room where the new brace awaited her. The new brace that she would be able to ditch the crutches if she could just finish it.

But she realized that she had hurt Clarke, and thrown Tris’s feelings under a bus, because there was no way that Clarke was going to let the girl just walk away.

Lexa pushed Raven’s arm, and glared down at her. Raven shrugged, saying softly, “I fucked up.”

“You think?” Lexa deadpanned. Raven closed her eyes as she exhaled.

 _Get it together_! Her internal voice shouted at her. She knew that she was just being bitchy and needed to not take it out on anyone else. Looking up at Lexa who was still glaring at her, she bowed her head and whispered her apology. Lexa’s hand closed over her shoulder, and Raven’s eyes raised to look at them.

“I love you.”

Raven smiled, and said back, “I love you too.”

Lexa shifted on their feet, before they moved the step back to the stroller. Octavia approached then, arms loaded to clothing. She dumped the clothes into one of the rooms and shifted her gaze to Raven. Holding the door open, she pointed in the room. “Go.”

Raven tilted her head and cast Octavia a skeptical look. But Octavia was shaking her head, saying, “No, get your ass in there and try some shit on.”

Lexa cleared their throat, and looked at Raven, telling her, “You don’t have to.”

Raven’s eyes shit and she fought back the tears. She loved shopping. She loved it but it was so difficult and she would struggle to get the stuff on and then have to fight the brace back on and then fight the crutches and then… it hit her.

It hit her like a punch to the gut.

It hit her like a blow to her head.

It hit her like a kick to the chest.

She was letting her leg define her choices.

She was letting her leg define her desires.

She was letting her leg define her future.

But she had the choice to leave.

But she had the choice to stay.

But she had the choice to live.

As though all of the pieces were falling into place, Raven pushed up from the bench and crutched quickly towards the store entrance. Moving past the display tables, trying to reach her mother and the girl. She looked over to see Tris staring down at the people on the floor below. Her elbows rested against the wooden banister, and Clarke stood along side of her. Neither were speaking when Raven approached, and it made Raven’s stomach twist because she had caused this uneasiness.

“Your daughter is trying to force me into a dozen different outfits, and I just want two pairs of jeans and the red hoodie she has. Tris wants the jeans because it makes her look like Nontu and she wants the t-shirts. No tanks tops. Right kid?” The girl didn’t turn, and Clarke just looked at Raven like she had two heads.

“Please, Mom don’t make me try them all on. It hurts and we still have to get the girl shoes and you know Octavia will spend forever picking out a new bikini and Levi is going to get hungry and you don’t want to be pulling you boob out in the middle of the mall. Someone could post it on instagram. The Great Griffin flashing her boobs in public.”

Clarke nodded and Raven felt better, but then Tris stopped her. Stopped her with just one phrase. The words foreign as though Tris was trying to figure out how to say them, “Octavia says you want me.”

**~Clarke~**

Tris was already at the banister when Clarke followed her. She couldn’t understand why the girl though she wasn’t wanted. Why the girl thought that she was worried about the government issued clothing allowance that she refused to take with Cage Wallace had reluctantly dropped off the monthly stipend check with the clothing allowance. She had refused both, because she didn’t need it.

Her hand reached out to touch her, but she withdrew.

Clarke had practiced her I love you speech. Her I want you speech, but now everything just sounded phony. Like there was nothing she could say to put the girl at ease. So she swallowed her words and just leaned on the banister next to the girl.

She watched the younger girls that looked like Tris’ age throwing fries at each other on the floor below. Traced the line at the Starbucks extend ten customers deep.

She was craving a latte, but now was not the time. Tris had yet to let her in. In fact the girl had for the most part avoided her, finding Lexa at all moments.

Raven’s crutches announced her approach, before the girl whined about shopping and Octavia making her try on clothes. Clarke really didn’t care, the girls could get whatever they wanted and each had a card with more than enough money to do it. She knew that Raven was there only to pull Clarek away from Tris again.

She wondered if maybe Raven was trying to get her to take a hint. Get her to accept that Tris didn’t want her. That is wasn’t the girl didn’t think she loved her, but to protect her from the girl not loving her.

She moved to leave then, but Tris spoke the true statement. The statement that Clarke hadn’t been able to believe, “Octavia says you want me.”

She tried to find her voice then. Tried to find a way to tell the girl in some fluffy words, but it didn’t come. The only thing she could say was, “She’s right.”

Raven seemed to take a hint then and moved back into the store. Clarke took back her place against the railing and watched the ground again. She swallowed her frustration with herself, because she was a mother and this was not about her feelings. This was about the kid to her right. The kid that was thinking so hard her face was flushed and steam could potential billow from her ears any moment.

She heard the deep breath and then the girl’s mouth open and close. “I thought that I was here because Nontu wanted me.”

Lexa did want her, so what was she implying. That she didn’t think that Lexa wanted her. “They do want you.”

“And you do too?”

Clarke smiled, “You know Octavia, I feel in love with that girl the moment I saw her. She was bright and had this smile that she hid from everyone. I jumped at the opportunity to be her mother. Raven made herself at home before I had a chance to realize that she was even going to be family. She knew long before I did, and definitely before Lexa knew.” Clarke chewed on the small bump on the inside of her lip from where she had chewed on it throughout the day. “You were different. You were the first kid not focused on me. But yes I wanted you. I wanted to give you aplace to be safe, and hoped that maybe I could be the parent you were looking for.”

Clarke paused for a moment, not sure if she should continue, but she chose to anyways, “I can’t replace your mother, Tris. I will never be her, but I can be Clarke or Griffin or Momma G or Mom or anything you want to come up with. But I want you. I want you in my home and part of my family. I want you to unpack that fucking backpack and decorate the damn room. It feels like a cell everytime I put your clothes in the empty drawers that you keep putting back into the backpack. I want to wrap up presents for your birthday next month, and more on Christmas. I want to celebrate you adoption the same time Lexi get their name on Levi’s birth certificate. You know that we have to adopt them too.”

She had more words to say, but when she looked over she saw the single tear roll down the girl’s cheek. Tris was still just staring down at the ground floor. But Clarke watched the girl move.

The teen didn’t say a word just walked away from her. Walked away as though Clarke had not just bared her soul to her. And she watched, too afraid that if she followed she would push the girl away.

She saw the make it to the down escalator and get on it, then the older brunette chasing after her.

 _You should have chased her,_ her mind told her. But she couldn’t move. Not until Lexa’s arm was on her and pulling her into their embrace. She buried her face in their chest, wanting the familiar pain of rejection to dissipate.

“It’s okay, Prisa. She will come around. She wants to be here,” Lexa said encouragingly.

But it didn’t help.

Didn’t help because she walked away.

Walked away as though her words had meant nothing.

Meant nothing even though she had already bought the birthday presents.

Birthday presents that the girl would probably only like if Lexa had purchased them.

Purchased them with out her, because Tris didn’t want Clarke as a mother.

A mother to care if she was fed, clothed, safe, or loved.

Or loved without waver for being her.

Being her, no more.

With each understanding she held her breath and then released. Released her breath into Lexa’s chest. Lexa’s arms were letting her go then, and Clarke was begging, “No, I need more please.”

But Lexa shook their head and instructed, “Turn around, Clarke.” Their tone was low and Clarke knew it was a command, not a request.

Tris stood before her holding out a plastic cup, with her lip between her teeth. When Clarke’s eyes looked over her instead of the cup, the girl said quietly. “I owe Octavia five dollars but I got it right. Its iced venti chai… five pumps and whole milk. And I didn’t forget the ice because it changes the drink.”

Tris was smiling then, and Clarke took the cup glancing at the edge. The black marker making her heart flutter because she could tell it was the girl’s handwriting. The name simple, only three letters.

“I choose Mom,” the girl almost whispered, but Clarke didn’t care because the kid had called her mom and hadn’t rejected her. So she wrapped her arms around the girl. “I want the jeans too.”

Clarke laughed then, and pulled back pressing a harsh kiss to the girl’s head. She smiled and said, “Good because Raven already got them and a few shirts.”

**~Lexa~**

Shopping made them tired and bored. When they had suggested the girls go shopping, Lexa had not intended on joining them. But here they were. In the fifth store, where they all were trying on shoe after shoe. When Octavia pointed to another pair, Lexa’s head fell backwards and they groaned.

“How much longer?” they asked, looking at Clarke who was pulling on a new pair of boots. Lexa loved their wife in boots, but seriously she had like four pairs at home, so they should be able to leave. Tris had gotten running shoes. Octavia had forced her into boots. Raven had insisted her invest in Toms. And their girls had picked out similar things.

Clarke must have sensed their growing irritation, because she turned to the girls and said, “Pick two to three and let’s go.”

Octavia whined, and Raven huffed a breath of relief. Tris just smiled, clutching her boxes to her chest.

Lexa looked over the girl and asked, “So you ready to go tomorrow?” The younger teen nodded eagerly. “Good.”

But really they were thinking, _Thank you, Abby and Luna. Two nights no children. Three with the doctor, one with the tia._ Their thoughts must have been loud because Raven and Octavia were gagging, and Clarke was blushing.

Lexa’s hand went up, “What? whad I do?”

“You’re gross,” Octavia stated putting shoes back in boxes.

“You just moaned,” Raven said with her upper lip raised like she just ate something bad.

“Are you going to have sex in my bed?” the youngest girl asked, a look of concern on her face.

Lexa picked up a shoe and threw it at Octavia. The teen easily swatted it away though, and stared up at them innocently. “No, puppy eyes. What did you tell her?”

“That you two are perverted and not to touch anything until we have scrubbed it all with Lysol when we get back,” the girl stated matter of factly.

“How does it work?” the teen asked then, and Lexa shot Clarke a look of irritation.

Clarke moved over, and nudged Tris towards the registers. Running a hand over the girl’s head, she pressed another kiss to the girl’s head. “What do you mean?”

“Sex. With two gi- people with the same stuff,” Tris said, self correcting mid sentence.

Clakre nodded, and cast a lok back at Lexa, who was staring in shock. They HATED these conversations. Hated them like anything else. But then they realized they had to have the conversation with Tris. Had to have it, even the BDSM talk so that she didn’t have a full panic attack if she accidently hears them.

Shaking their head, they say through gritted teeth. “Home. Home we can have _the talk_. Not here.” Tris nodded in understanding.

_Great before I get to lay Clarke out, I have to explain to a tween the workings of same sex sex._

_Sex sex instructions._

_Fuck me._


	37. ... you can handle anything that they throw at you...

**~Tris~**

Maybe it was a stupid question to ask. After all, who asks their foster parents to explain how two vaginas hit together and produce… well whatever its suppose to do. Tris didn’t get it. She knew that guys made gross shit when they orgasm; she learned that being in enough group homes.

_But what happens to the girl?_

That was the major question on the almost fifteen year old’s mind. She knew there was a hole, but wasn’t positive if that was where the pee comes out or where the penis goes. And do girls still need a penis? Because Clarke, she had a penis. A penis in her purse. Was she suppose to carry a penis in her purse?

_Maybe I should ask for a purse for my birthday._

Tris sat at the table and looked over at the blonde in the kitchen. She was dishing out bowls of pistachio almond ice cream into blows. The black bowl for Octavia and the red for Raven. Blue was always Clarke’s and the green was Lexa’s. They had given her the purple bowl. Purple was her bowl, and it meant something because everyone had a color, even her.

_Clarke said she wanted to buy me a birthday present._

_Or do I need a penis._

She looked over at Lexa that was doing their best to avoid any eye contact. She remembered them telling her not to ask them to talk about sex, but it had slipped out, and now Lexa was uncomfortable. Their fingers rapped against the polished wood. Looking over the way their jaw tensed, Tris realized there was no way she could ask them for a penis.

_Can’t ask parents for a penis… that would be weird._

**~Lexa~**

_No._

Lexa looked over at Clarke. Begging the blonde silently to excuse them from this. But the blonde had busted out all of the bowls. All of them. They were going to have to talk about sex with all of the kids. Again.

Like seriously. Again.

_I don’t wanna._

Last time, Octavia was crying. Last time, Raven had a break down because it turned out Fynn had been abusing her. Last time…

_FUCK!_

Clarke set the bowl in front of them, the spoon already dipped into the pale green sweetness. Raven and Octavia also took their seats, and immediately dug into their bowls. Dug in like nothing weird way about to happen. Like Tris wasn’t going to learn that Clarke liked things rough, or that Lexa whips her occasionally.

No, the two just ate their ice cream like it was just another Thursday night. Not like they were about to talk about… sex.

_Why do we have to do this?_

Lexa met Clarke’s blue irsises, nothing but understanding shining through. They pouted, trying to get her to let them go. But she shook her head. She shook her fucking head, telling them no.

_Not fair._

And Clarke was smiling. Like what the fuck was their wife so fucking smug about? They felt she must have thought that this was fun. So they hardened their eyes as her and took in a deep breath, filling their lungs so completely that nothing else would fit, and their chest had risen so heavily that they couldn’t hold it long. And exhaled. The air rushing out their nose quickly as though someone had squeezed them.

Tris’s eyes wandered over to them, but they avoided her. They hoped that maybe the girl would lose her nerve and just speak with the girls later. Isn’t that what sisters were for, after all?

_Shouldn’t this be like a right of passage?_

Looking at the girls sitting at the other end of the table, Lexa realized that this was the right of passage. And the kid wanted to know about girl on girl sex. And it was good that she had come to them and Clarke.

_But that doesn’t mean I have to like it._

**~Octavia~**

This was too good to miss. Lexa having to explain sex sex to the virgin was officially the comedy channel of the night, and there was nothing that was going to keep Octavia from her front row seat to this disaster. She could tell that Lexa was already sweating this conversation. They hadn’t said a word the whole way home.

She wondered if they would talk about their freaky kinks. If they would talk about whips and harnesses and the drawer of multi colored dicks they thought were hidden, but seriously everyone knows that the dicks are kept close to the bed.

The teen faught back her smile, trying to pretend like she wasn’t experience great joy for their discomfort.

 _Karma’s a bitch!_ she thought. Greatly pleased that after months of listening to all of the disturbing sounds coming from her parent’s bedroom was not being righted by the universe. Yes, this would be awesome.

“Does it have to have a penis to work,” Tris asked all of a sudden. Octavia couldn’t help it; the ice cream flew from her mouth back into the bowl as she exhaled a laugh. Raven’s spoon dropped as she too burst into giggles, but Clarke held it together.

Clarke ever cool and calm, just simply stated, “No, you can have sex without a penis.”

Octavia was trying to get her shit together when the next question came, that just sent her further over the edge. “So… then why do you carry a penis in your purse?”

_This is fucking classic._

Octavia picked up her phone, shooting Monroe a text that she would not be meeting up to work on her speech. Setting the phone on the table, she looked over at Raven, whose tanned cheeks were flushed with laughter.

**~Clarke~**

“… carry a penis in your purse?”

The question caught Clarke off guard. She had expected the basics. What goes where? What is a g-spot? What’s the nub thing? But no. She would never live down the penis in her purse. It would probably end up on her tombstone some day. She could see it. Lexa crying over her casket as they lower her into the ground. Octavia would have to plan everything because Lexa would be too upset, so Octavia would have been the one to decide on the inscription. It would read: Here Lies Clarke Griffin. Mother of four that dropped a penis on the kitchen island in front of her family. Yep, that would be it. Octavia would laugh and Lexa would choke on their tears. She would be immortalized for the penis in her purse.

“That was a one time event,” she started to explain, but Lexa snorted. The fucker snorted at her distress, because it wasn’t like it was their dick. Noooo, it was Clarke’s dick.

_Asshole._

Clarke took a bite, trying to buy time. Once she swallowed she explained, “When a couple is ready, they may choose to utilize toys. Silicon is the better quality and you have to keep them clean.”

“Why was there a cock in your purse, Mom?” Raven asked, raising her eyebrows a few times, before adding, “It couldn’t have been that _clean_ in there.”

Clarke could have smacked the snarky teen. But she saw this as an opportunity, and she took it. “How about you explain why there was a dick in my purse, Lex?”

**~Lexa~**

_She didn’t._

But the blue eyes were one her, and the blonde was sitting there with a sophisticated, I’m above it all, shit eating grin on her fucking beautiful face. But now they were on the spot. On the spot with all eyes on them.

On their red face.

Red face that was burning.

Was burning like they could explode.

Could explode in the middle of the fucking house.

Fucking house that they built for her.

For her, the blonde bus driver.

Bus driver aiming.

Driver aiming for revenge.

For revenge on the 2015 cock disaster.

Cock disaster that would never, never dwindle.

Never dwindle into forgotten abyss.

Forgotten abyss ever more.

Ever more forgotten.

They swallowed the lump in their throat as they tried to come up with the words. Words to explain how they had fucked their wife, broke their arm, and had to have her pull their dick off in her mother’s office because it was jammed back into their pants into an uncomfortable angle.

_No. God if you save me, I’ll go to church. I’ll pray the gq away. Just please don't make me answer this question._

But no such look, because everyone was waiting on them. And they were out of time. So they said, “wehadsexandifellandyourmompusheditinandifhurtsoshetookitout…” quick breath, “buttherewasnoplacetoputitsoitendedupinherpurse,” quick breath, “and then Abby yelled at me.”

The mouths of the girl were all open, and they hoped that maybe they had spoke so fast no one would be able to make out the story. But luck was not in their favor. Of course, not how could it be. They were at the table with melted ice cream talking about sex.

“Abby caught you having sex!” Raven hooted and Octavia laughed so hard the girlw as choking for breath. Of course they thought it was funny. Turning back to Clarke, they began to plot their revenge.

_Tonight the blonde will not cum… No, she doesn’t deserve it… fuck she doesn’t get to cum all weekend…_

They turned their anger eyes to the teens, and stared coldly at each of them. The way the older one ran their fingers through her hair like she was cool shit, big fucking grin like everything was just fantastic.

_I’ll take away her xbox… yeah… she’ll die without her video games… yeah… no games… oh and her drill… I’ll ground her from her drill._

The other girl was laughing, and texting. She was texting their humiliation, and they were going to get her back. Get her back in the only way they knew how to.

_Sex on her beds. That will teach yeah… yeah… I will fuck Clarke on the damn bed and not change the sheets… Yeah… that’ll teach them._

But then Octavia was looking at them, and her face was white. Her face was wipe and they squinted a satisfied smirk, because they would get their revenge and the girl knew it.

“No, no, no,” she was saying, her head shaking. “You wouldn’t.”

Lexa’s chin rose and their back straightened, because they were the boss. Yeah, they were the boss. They were the commander, and the little princess wouldn’t say no to the commander.

“We won’t have sex on your bed,” theblond was saying, but they were smirking because _yes, yes we will._ “Tell your daughter we won’t have sex on her bed, Lexi,” Clarke was instructing, but they were shaking their head.

“Can’t do that, Klarke,” they said. They said it and the blonde was just laughing. Laughing like it was a joke. This wasn’t a joke though so what was she laughing? She was laughing because Lexa knew they wouldn’t do it. But it was still fun to think about it.

Think about the woman face first on the bed, her leg spread over the edge with purple handprints on beautiful as they pump into her. Pumping into her wet cunt that dripped down the shaved flesh onto the sheets. They smiled then, thinking about how close they would get her, only to pull out and leave her wanting. Leave her begging, so they make her suck herself off of them as they let the cock vibrated against them. Yeah, that's the way it could happen.

“Stop it!” Octavia was saying, her face in fury. “No, you promised. You promised me!”

But the drama was stopped.

Stopped with the next question.

“So are you still a virgin if you don’t use a penis?” the girl asked.

**~Clarke~**

She felt a little bad for making Lexa tell the truth, but not as bad as when she saw Lexa plotting revenge. Because Lexa had a revenge face. They smiled weakly, and just stared at her when they were plotting. She knew that she would regret her decision, because there were too many tools they had at their disposal. The most important was how they held her right to climax.

Instantly she was reevaluating their roles. Their roles that let Lexa decide when she could cum and gave them permission to remove her ability to sit for a week. But the thoughts made her clit pulse and she could feel her panties getting filtier by the second.

Yeah, because Lexa was going to fuck her this weekend. This weekened with no kids. And then she too was lost in her imaginary world of being tied to the bed, with Lexa’s crop smacking against her cunt.

“So are you still a virgin if you don’t use a penis?”

Clarke chewed on the question for a minute, but Raven actually stepped in then, “Yes and no. Technically your virginity is considered by most cultures if the hymen is torn,” when Tris’s brows scrunched together, Raven explained, “It's the thin piece of flesh that when you first take a cock or two many fingers will tear it.”

“Hurts like a bitch,” Octavia added, but Clarke smacked her. She didn’t want the girl to be terrified of having sex, “What? It’s true!”

Raven added, “Yeah, even if you have a good partner and he… or she… is gentle that chit is going to hurt.”

“What does it feel like?” the girl asked, looking to the older girls. Clarke realized that at this point her daughters were better to answer the questions, and Lexa seemed momentarily relieved that not have handle Tris’s question.

“Its going to burn at first.”

“Don’t do it on your back, it actually makes the hole smaller,” Octavia added. Clarke’s mouth dropped and she watched as Lexa’s mouth dropped but then their lips curled up almost immediately in a grimace of knowing that their baby knew this. It made Clarke laugh a little at their expression.

**~Raven~**

 “Essentially they push it in and then if their nice they let you adjust… you’re probably going to cry,” she said holding up a closed hand. Raven poke two fingers roughly against the edge until their forced their way into her fist.

Tris’s face pales and the freckles across her nose became more prominent. Raven felt bad, because she realized she was scaring her. But she wanted the girl to know what she was getting into.

Carefully, Tris asked, “Why do it then?”

“Orgasm,” she answered with a shrug. That was the reason really, orgasms were magical.

Tris looked at the table. Her fingers were running over the scratch in the table, and Raven wanted to distract her so Clarke wouldn’t take a look at the way Raven had marred the table.

“Have you ever given yourself an orgasm?”

Raven realized she should have thought before she spoke. She should have thought because Tris was staring at her in utter confusion. Octavia was laughing like a hysterical hyena. Clarke was fiercely red all over her exposed skin. And Lexa… well Lexa’s hands had flown up and over their ears and they were doing the comfort rock.

**~Tris~**

_You can do that?_

She didn’t know how to ask that though. She didn’t know how to ask how one gives one’s self an orgasm.

_Do I have to… break it?_

She looked over to the hall then, and wondered what it meant to give herself an orgasm. What an orgasm would feel like. Why everyone raved about them. When guys talked about it, it just sounded gross.

_Does stuff like that come out of a girl when it happens?_

She shuttered at the thought. Like it coming out because she… well… maybe that just didn’t happen. She didn’t want that to happen. It just sounded gross. Yep, gross.

Looking at Raven, she asked another question, “How does it work? Like is it the same hole the pee comes out? And you said fingers… do you like put a finger… wait does that mean you pee on your hand?”

Raven smiled, and Clarke answered, “You have a separate place where you pee from. It is under your clitoris.”

 _Clitoris_. She chewed on the word. Trying it out internally. _What the hell is a clitoris?_

“It's the little ball thingy. Like you have a hangy ball in your mouth, you have a nub in your vag. You rub the nub and the nub makes you feel good,” Octavia stated. She said it so easily.

Tris knawed on her lip. She didn’t know if she was already supposed to be doing this. Like practicing. So all she had to do was rub the nub. She could do that.

Comfortable with her knew knowledge of the clitoris, she asked, “So if I rub on the nub it will give me an orgasm?”

Raven and Octavia nodded, but Lexa stood up. Stood up and started shaking their head. “No. No. No. No rubbing the nub,” they were saying. “Just wait. Just like wait forever please. Just because they do it doesn’t mean you have to do it.”

Tris tilted her head, and decided that a flustered Lexa was a little amusing. It was an awkward move, but she went for it, “So do you rub Mom’s nub and that is how it works? Like that is how she-“

Lexa’s hand was over her mouth. She couldn’t believe how fast they had made it around the table. It was like vampire speed of something, but they were holding her mouth, and quietly saying, “No.”

“No, they use whips and shit,” Octavia supplied, a sheer satisfied smile plastered across their face.

_Whips… and shit?_

_Like they whip her and… what about her nub?_

“Octavia!” Lexa and Clarke were both yelling then. But Raven was biting her palm, and Octavia was leaning back in her chair like she had been waiting all night to say that line.

**~Octavia~**

The look on Lexa face had made her night. The look of positive bewilderment. Octavia knew that they would try and get out of saying anything. But she wanted her revenge. She wanted them to feel her discomfort all those nights that Clarke screamed for them to fuck her harder. Begging for the commander to land another sickening smack as she counted in pained pleasure.

Yes, revenge was sweet.

“Aren’t you going to give her the BDSM talk, Nontu?”

Lexa’s eyes were cold, and she worried then that maybe she had gone too far. Pushed too much. Because they weren’t freaked out anymore.

No, they were pissed.

Pissed to the point that they would send her to the front lines and allow her to die in a bloody battle.

Yeah, maybe she had gone too far.

_Oh well, too late now._

**~Clarke~**

The air was tense, and this wasn’t healthy for the type of conversation that they were having. So she changed the subject. Change the subject back to the original topic.

“You asked in the store how to people with the same parts have sex,” Clarke stated.

Tris nodded as Lexa withdrew their hand. Levi had cried out, awaking from their short rest, Clarke nodded for them to go attend their child.

Once Lexa was out of the room, Clarke turned to Octavia, “I will ground your ass if you keep trying to make them uncomfortable.”

“What?” the teen feigned innocence, but Clarke was shaking her head.

“You’re being rude and disrespectful and you know it.”

Octavia nodded, and pushed away from the table. She moved slowly down the hall to the nursery. It made Clarke proud that the girl recognized her behavior and was going to rectify it.

Turning back to Tris, Clarke said, “There are several different ways. You can use your hands, like Octavia and Raven explained. The clit is the important focus so you have to touch that if you want a girl to cum-“

“Does it…” Tris swallowed, and then waved her hands outward, “… like come out? Like a boy?”

“Uhh… some girls do but not thick like a male does. It is more liquidy, but its not often,” she supplied.

Raven shrugged, “I do it when it is really really good, but yeah it is like liquid.”

Holding up a hand, Clarke shook her head, “I didn’t need to know that.”

Holding up her hands, Raven defended, “What? If she does it, she needs to not be freaked out about it.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Clarke answered, and turned back to Tris. “So there is also fake penises for if and when you’re ready to try that. Also oral sex is when the mouth is used against the vagina.”

Lexa had returned then, Octavia left in the bedroom with Levi. Lexa sat down at the table, when Tris scrunched one side of her face and asked, “What does it taste like?”

Raven snorted, and Clarke paled a little. How does one explain to a kid the taste of a vag. Especially when the only taste on her mind was the sweet and salty tang that made up Lexa’s cunt.

“Yeah, Mom, what does it taste like?”

Lexa’s face was buried in their palms. They were really not cool or adult about these conversations. Clarke realized that Lexa must have grown up with a lot of sex shaming. It made her sad for them. Having the sex talk with Jake had been awkward but he was very patient with her, when she asked questions like Tris was asking.

“Every woman tastes differently. It's a matter of their body chemistry and diet. Some are not so pleasant, but that means that they do not take care of themselves and you should refrain from oral sex, and wash your hands.”

“In bleach,” Raven added.

Octavia’s voice called from down the hall, “If it smells like fish back away!”

Clarke watched as Tris curled her lip just like Lexa did when they were grossed out. It made her chuckle lightly because they were so much a like.

Tris stood up then and pushed in her chair. Lexa’s head shot up and a look of hope flooded their face as they held their breath. She knew they were hoping they were done.

The girl nodded, and then said, “I think… that was a lot and I need… I don’t know… but could we maybe talk about like safety and like the whips another time.”

“Thank god,” they exhaled, and raised their hands to the sky.

Clarke smiled and answered, “Yes, sweetie. Any time you have questions we are more than willing to answer them.”

Lexa was point in then to everyone else in the room, “They want to answer. Not me… We talked about this. Just ask them please.”

Tris smiled and Clarke realized that the girl was learning how to play Lexa like a fiddle. Learning the way to disturb her partner, and it made her heart warm. Because the girl was fitting in with her girls. She was becoming one of them.

_Yeah, this is right._


	38. and find away to lighten to load

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sex... Sex Ed... and as many different ways to say the word penis as I could manage to incorporate! LOL! DO NOT READ AT WORK!

**~Lexa~**

Raven followed Tris down the hall, signaling their personal hell ending. Lexa wiped their hand across their brow, ridding themselves of imaginary sweat, as they let out a low whistle. Clarke’s squinted eyes were on them though, and they knew. They knew that she was going to make fun of them. They also knew they kind of deserved it.

“You are so dramatic,” the blonde said with a tilted smile and arms crossed over her chest. This was her I’m the boss the look, but Lexa knew… Lexa knew that in a few short minutes they would be the boss and it would be Clarke that was auditioning for the role of lead actress.

Huffing out though, because they would play their part in this little game of charades. “Klark, she is fourteen. She doesn’t need to know to ‘rub her nub’. Why can’t she just not do that?”

Clarke didn’t even hesitate, “Because she is the youngest of three teenagers and they talk. We fuck like rabbits and she needs to know.”

Hands up, “You didn’t even talk safety. No instead you all gave her masturbation 101.”

Moving from the table, Clarke moved behind them and wrapped her warm arms around their front, locking her hands just under their chin. They leaved back in the wooden chair and felt her nuzzle against their neck. Quietly, she whispered, “How about you give me a lesson in safety tonight, so you will feel better, Commander.”

They smiled as they licked their lips. They smiled because the tables had turned just as they knew they would. Without another word, they were out of her arms and chasing her quietly down the hall. They reached the nursery just as Octavia was coming out.

With a disgusted grimace the teen said, “You probably have three hours before they’re up.”

Lexa nodded and picked Clarke up bridal style. Octavia groaned trying to move passed them, but she was blocked in. “You guys are gross,” she said as they moved with their wife down the shorter hall.

Lexa smirked back, “Sorry got to take care of your mom’s nub now. SO go away. Far away from this room!” And the girl retched, but they didn’t care. They didn’t care because Clarke was burying her face in their chest, and they knew that they would get to do as they pleased with her tonight.

**~Raven~**

She was pulling off her brace when Octavia burst through the doorway into Raven’s room. Looking up at her sister, Raven immediately set that Octavia was up to no good. She quickly strapped the brace back on, and slapped her legs.

“What are you going to do?”

Octavia’s smile only grew, and she shook her head. “No me, we.”

Sucking in her lips and furrowing her brow, she contemplated if she wanted to partake in whatever the other girl had planned. Lifting up on her crutches, she nodded to signal she was in.

“Let’s go then,” the other girl said, and turned down the hallway. But she went down the wrong direction. Raven watched as Octavia stuck her head in Tris’s room. “We’ll be back. You’re on Levi watch. I promised the horny parents that they have three hours.” Raven saw Octavia toss a baby monitor into the room. “If they cry, you get them and make a bottle. Mom’s got boob milk in the freezer.”

Without another word Octavia was back at Raven’s side. Standing in front of her, Raven heard her say, “Hop on.”

“You’re not carrying me,” Raven stated, feeling her pride well up. But Octavia bumped her butt back into her.

“You’re going to give us away with your crutches,” she said, but then continued, “You can totally crutch your ass all you want once we get outside. But we need stealth mode right now.”

Without further argument, because she knew Octavia was right about her lacking stealth mode, she leaned her crutches against the wall and wrapped her arms around Octavia’s neck. It was easier due to Octavia being a few inches smaller than her. Quickly Octavia hoisted her the rest of the way up and leaned so Raven could grab the crutches.

Without complaint, Octavia carried her outside and dropped her just next to the jeep. Pulling her self up, she watched as Octavia crawled into the driver’s seat. The vehicle was a little too big for the girl, but it didn’t stop her from smiling like a dufus as she turned the ignition and put the jeep into reverse.

“So where we going?”

Octavia smiled wickedly, and without looking at her answered, “To get supplies.”

“For?”

Hitting the radio on when they were a decent ways down the road, she said, “Sex Ed 102.”

**~Clarke~**

Lexa wasted no time ridding Clarke of her clothing once in the bedroom. The blonde stood with her back against the cold drywall, while Lexa walked before her, holding their crop under their arm, still dressed.

Clarke’s hands were secured above her head to a built in hook that normally was hidden by a canvas. She watched as they scanned over her naked body, feeling for a change no nervousness that they would see her as less than attractive. The way they repeatedly swallowed showed the blonde that their thirst for her was real.

It made the moisture gather between her labia. Without panties there was nothing holding her arousal.

Lexa’s crop came up, and rubbed against her sex, the leather tip making her situation only worse as she spread her legs further so the crop could reach the pulsing apex of her pleasure. But her attempt was met with a sharp swat.

She cried out weakly, as her arms fought to move. Lexa was pressed against her them. Their clothed body warming her front, as they growled at her. “You took pleasure in my discomfort tonight, Prisa.”

Clarke was trying to come up with a response, but couldn’t because a drip of her slick was running down her thigh, as their gravelly words continued, “I feel that it is only fair now to take pleasure in your discomfort.” Their finger ran the length of her sex before withdrawing again.

“Please Com-“ But their hand was up silencing her.

They moved from before her. Leaving her a drenched mess, as they pull from the drawer a butterfly vibrator that would strap to her sex and supply her a continuous vibration. She felt the shutter run through her body, because she knew that Lexa was about to fix it to her lower body. Clarke closed her eyes, knowing the pain that was coming, but relishing in the fear that caused her to get wetter.

She could hear Lexa’s foot falls bring them back towards her. They were close, and without warning she felt the crop tip connect sharply to her labia again. The snap biting into her sensitive flesh caused her to whimper, and her eyes to open wide.

Lexa smirked at her, and they asked, “What is your stop word, Prisa?”

“Red.”

The crop rubbed against her sex, her knees faltering just enough to leave her pulling away from the wall to press on to the thin rod.

“And your slow down word?”

They rubbed a little stronger, as she whispered out hoarsely, “Yellow.”

And without another word she received another sharp smack, and her lower body ached for more. Ached for Lexa to touch her or whip her until she climaxed all over the leather. But the crop was tucked back under their arm, and their fingers were tracing the undersides of her breasts and ribs.

Tiny tickles ran rampant below her skin, and she relished in the soft touches that Lexa was applying to her body. Their eyes were hungry as they looked her over, the brushed of padded tips were replaced by the stronger grip of their hands. Clarke arched her back, begging for more, and was rewarded, as they ran their thumbs over her seeping nipples. Dipping their head down, they licked at the left, running their tongue in a careful circle before applying more pressure.

Never had Clarke expected Lexa to have breast-feeding fantasies, but there was no doubt that it was a fetish for them. Lexa sucked harder on the swollen darkened flesh, and Clarke felt their hands moved to her ass and squeeze.

Their tongue was lapping against her, as their hands dropped lower until she felt the strap being wrapped around them. The cold silicon of the butterfly shape pressed against her clip and she arched further into their needy mouth.

Without warning the toy came to life, and Clarke bucked against them. She bucked, pulling at the ties above her head. The sensation was magical but torturous at the same time. She was falling towards her edge so quickly, that she hadn’t notice Lexa switching sides, or them finishing. Her hips were canting mercilessly seeking Lexa’s body to help her, but they had pulled away.

They had pulled away, and suddenly her hands were free from the hook, but still fixed before her. Lexa was behind her, rubbing against the flesh of her wrists, encouraging the blood to run back to the paler hands. They pressed into her from behind, as they navigated her to the bed.

Once there, Lexa held her still with her hands hanging down by the still pulsing toy. Their fingers ran up her belly and back to her nipples where they gripped the buds and twisted sharply. The sensation when straight from her nipples to her clit and it threatened to push her over the edge. But then they were telling her to get on the bed and helping her crawl into the center.

They secured her hands again so that she was face down against the comforter and the bed pressing the quivering toy even further into her. She gasped and ground her pelvis downward.

**~Lexa~**

Hearing the blonde mewing and thrusting her body against the bed almost sent Lexa over the edge. They were still not allowed to practice making another Levy, so they were left with less options. However, they were enjoying the tortured stated of the woman that was trying desperately not to let them down.

“You may  not come yet, Prisa,” they stated as a reminder.

Clarke cried out in pants, “Commander… it’s… please Commander…”

Lexa was stripping off their clothing, and fixing a small purple dick to the O-ring of their briefs. The toy was small, only about an inch thick and barely six inches in length. It was the perfect toy to rut against their wife’s little ass that was currently hidden.

Seeing the woman gripping the blankets below her hands, they knew they would have to start soon. They grabbed the bottle of lube and made their way back to the bed.

Clarke’s body was quivering as she fought the sensations. They ran their hand down her back, digging the pads of their fingers into the flesh. Her ass pushed into the air and they smiled knowing. Knowing that she was going to be pushing onto them in no time.

“Talk to me, Klark,” they said, as they positioned themselves between her legs. Her ass rose up again, and they smiled. But then realized that she hadn’t followed instructions.

Lifting a hand they snapped it back against her right cheek. The woman below them jumped, and they coolly stated, “I told you to talk to me, Prisa.”

“Again,” the woman begged. 

And Lexa felt the heat rush through their chest and down to the pulse between their thighs.  Shaking their head, they knew they couldn’t let her misbehave like this so the reached under the woman and hit the switch that turned the vibration off.

Clarke cried out when the sensation vanished but instead was replaced with Lexa digging their fingers into her back and pulling downward, scratching pale freckled the skin. Lexa didn’t like causing her pain, but they knew that Clarke was misbehaving so they would do just this. Torture her. So that’s what they did.

She hissed as their nails dug at the exposed flesh.

“That’s a good girl, princess.”

She screamed out as they asked her for their name.

“Beg for more, baby.”

She begged for them to take her anyway they wish.

“Not good enough.”

She screamed probably too loudly to be pounded.

“Closer but sluts beg better.”

Clarke’s body thrashed as she called out, “Commander, please fuck me like you have never fucked me before. I am your fucking toy to be fucked anyway you please. The Commander’s fucking post, made for your pleasure.”

Lexa felt the flush deepen in their cheeks. Their body begging their head to stop messing around and take the woman. But they weren’t in a rush. They had three hours and it had yet to be more that 45 minutes. So they massaged the woman’s ass cheeks, before ghosting their fingers up her back and over her sides. Watched as her muscles rippled under their touch. Carrying over her sides, they reach around and helped her forward and to her knees. The maneuver was difficult and their cast made things awkward, but the managed, until her ass pressed just over the purple toy. They returned to rubbing her ass with one hand before, they reached over with the other and switched on the butterfly again.

They felt the vibration continue down her legs, and the surface of her ass jiggled beautifully.  Clarke threw her head back as moaned out, “Fuck me, Commander Lek-sa. Please Fuck me.”

_Si, Klark._

**~Tris~**

The teen was sitting against the wall of her bedroom, her nose buried in a copy of _The Giver._ She couldn’t figure out what the big deal about the story was. Clarke had raved about it, at the mall when Raven had told her that the girl was borrowing her books. Clarke had insisted on purchasing ‘must reads’ for her at the Barnes and Noble inside of the mall, and the book in hand was the smallest of the others. Clarke had seriously over estimated her desire to read, with 18 books stacked on her dresser. She had read less books than that in her entire life full circle, and now she had eighteen must reads. Tris felt like not reading them would let her down. So she picked up the smallest one hoping a small victory would at least amount for something.

But she seriously wanted to smack Jonas. The kid had just experienced a war and was crying that people didn’t have memories. But really the kid was selfish. His parents were there for him. No one was hurting anyone, Tris’s young mind wondered if really that would be so bad. She had lived with her parents and that had sucked. Now she had Clarke and Lexa and that was worth it. It just came down to not being able to under Jonas and his beef with his cushy fucking existence.

Her reading was interrupted though at the sound of her sisters returning from wherever they had gone too. She wished they would have let her go, but knew that she wasn’t one of them.

Turning back to the small paper back, she flipped the page. Flipped the page and wondered where they snuck off too. Wondered who would she sneak away with when she was a senior. Would Clarke and Lexa find another kid. Or was she an accident?

_Of course an accident dipshit. No one wanted you._

She focused on Jonas’ name again and resented him even more. Resented him for fighting against people that cared for him. No they didn’t know what the word ‘love’ meant or refused to acknowledge is but still they cared for him. He was just ungrateful.

_Jonas is a douche._

Tris didn’t actually know what a douche was, but Octavia had used the word a few times and it sounded bag so it was acceptable word for Jonas. Jonas the douche. That made her smile.

Raven and Octavia came into her room then. Raven gripping the crutches and Octavia two large black plastic bags. Tris looked at them but then tried to pretend to be interested in her book. Apparently that annoyed them though, because Raven was shoving her over to make room, and Octavia had yanked the book from her hands and tossed it over her shoulder, stating, “That one is only good for privileged kids. Jonas never knew real hardship just pissed and moaned.”

Tris was grateful that someone else got it. She started to agree but Octavia over turned the bags onto her bed and suddenly her lap was covered in boxes and packages of dicks and accessories. Her eyes grew as she took in the assortment, and she looked the two girls over.

Octavia pounced down at the bottom of the bed at was free from sex toys and picked up a package with a flesh colored dong in it. Cracking open the package, Octavia gripped the based and waved it in a circle at Octavia.

“Okay dear newest sister. It is time for SEX Ed, the hands on approach.”

**~Clarke~**

The blonde walked carefully down the hallway. Sore from her punishment, but incredibly relaxed after the massage, she moved into the kitchen to make a bottle for Levi who had just begun to stir. Lexa was wiped out and passed out. She could hear the girls giggling coming from down the hallway, the only light on in Tris’s room.

She checked the clock and it read 12:30. The girls should already be in bed. Setting up the bottle warmer, she made her way down the hallway.

Peaking in the room, her mouth dropped as she watched Raven sitting in the bed holding the base of a cock to her crotch, while Octavia expertly rolled a condom down the base.

“If you ever try a boy, you need to put the condom on. They always fuck it up,” the middle girl stated as the condom fully enclosed the silicon toy.

Clarke quickly turned out of the light and pressed to the wall. Her fist was in her mouth, as she tried to decide what to do. But she wasn’t quiet enough because Octavia was at the door and looking her over.

The girl’s face showed no guilt as she stated, “She need more instruction.”

Clarke nodded and moved into the light. Moving into the room she took in the wipe selection of toys. Counting the various dicks, Clarke wondered if her daughter officially owned more penises than her and Lexa.

Raven held up a  nylon strap harness then, and said, “For chick on chick there are a few different types of harnesses. This one is the cheapest, and its adjustable.”

Raven tossed the harness to Octavia who quickly pulled it up over her jeans. She turned, and Raven pointed to the straps. “So your ass is still hanging out. And the dick goes here,” and Octavia turned pointing the O-ring.

Octavia grabbed one of the toys and forced it head first through the hole, until it was jutting out from her. Tris looked at it, and squinted one eye more than the other. She was holding a glass dick with blue swirls around the shaft, and her hand was pressed against the bulbous tip.

“So are they all so huge?” the girl asked, and it brought a smile to Clarke’s face. It was interesting to see her girls examining the various phallic objects. She said softly, taking a slow seat at the base of the bed, “No, sweetie, they make all different shapes and sizes. You can always start out small and work your way up if you want to. Clarke picked up the U shaped double sided dong.

She smiled again and hit the bullet button at the base activating the vibration. Clicking it several times she coursed through the various modes. Tris was watching her, and she asked, “How does that work? We couldn’t figure it out.”

Pointing to the bulky end, Clarke instructed, “This side goes in the thruster… the person that will be fucking the other.” Tris nodded in understanding. Clarke pointed to the other side that was smooth and longer. “This end goes in the other girl.”

Raven tossed Tris a very very large bottle of lube. “You got to use this. Like as much as you need.”

“Even if it just you,” Octavia added, pulling the strap off.

Clarke watched as Tris picked up a small pick cylinder and pressed the black button at one end. The vibrator came to life in her hands startling the girl. She dropped it instantly, and the other girls laughed.

Raven picked it up, and said, “This one we got for you especially. You can use this just on the clit.”

“And with that I’m out,” Clarke said. She pushed cautiously off the bed. But Tris’s hand shot out and stopped her.

When she looked up she saw the concern in her eyes that showed a disturbing sense of knowing. Her finger traced the bruise on her wrist, and she asked, “Are you hurt?”

Clarke bit her lip. She didn’t know if the girl could handle Lexa and her choices with the hell she had lived through. Clarke nodded, but the hand was enclosed over hers.

“If they hurt you…” Tris started, redness rising over the girl’s chest and up to her cheeks.

Clarke sat back down tenderly. Reaching over, she stroked the girl’s cheek while the rest of her hand cupped the girl’s cheek.

“They do nothing that I don’t ask for,” Clarke started. But didn’t know how to continue, because the girl start to cry then. “No, no, sweetie.”

Clarke was pulling the girl in, “Honey, let’s chat okay. And Raven and Octavia can help me.” Looking over the stuff, she found a pair of fuzzy handcuff. Easing the girl from her, she held up the handcuffs. “Have you ever heard of the term BDSM?”

**~Octavia~**

Squeezing between Tris and Raven, Octavia tucked the younger girl under her arm. She hated the bruises that always peppered Clarke’s body, but she knew she wasn’t any better. She wasn’t any better because she got off on restraining Lincoln. Feeling powerful in bed.

“What you see here,” Clarek said holding up her wrist, “Was caused by less friendly versions to these.” And she jingled the handcuffs in the air. Octavia watched as Tris took a deep breath, but her form was shaking. Octavia wondered if she had been this bad when Clarke and Lexa started explaining it to her.

Clarke swallowed, and explained, “Lexa does not do anything to me that I don’t specifically ask for. This is not like what you are thinking about, honey. I need you to really accept that. I can’t ever show you that so it is just something I need to tell you and you believe me.”

“Why?” Tris asked, and Octavia strummed her fingers over the girl’s arm.

Raven spoke though, and it surprise Octavia enough to make her jump. “Some people enjoy different things during sex. Many people call them fetishes. Basically some people crave pain and the label is masochists.”

Tris bit her lip and looked to Clarke. Her eyes were running over the blonde, and Octavia said, “Yes, Mom would classify as a masochist.” Tris nodded in understanding, but Octavia knew. She knew that girl would never really understand just like she doesn’t fully understand. But it was important for her to hear it. Hear it from Clarke at she wasn’t being abused no matter what her pleads may make it seem.

“So when someone enjoys giving pain they are known as a sadist,” Raven continued her vocabulary lesson. But added, “And if you are with a partner that is a sadist but you are not a masochist then it is not going to be a healthy relationship and you need to get out.” Octavia held her sister’s hand.

“Nontu?”

Clarke choked out quickly, “Not a sadist.” The girls were quiet then, and everyone just kind of waited.

“In sex there are dominant, submissive and switch partners,” Clarke began when the silence became too much. “I am very submissive.”

“And I am very dominant,” Octavia added to make sure that that Tris would know she could be a female and dominant.

Raven held up her hand then and said, “I’m a switch.”

Tris chewed the inside of her lower lip, and Octavia felt bad. This was suppose to be a fun night. And it had been. It had been because Tris had learned about dental dams and flavored lubes. They had talked her through tricks like circles around the clit and how to locate a g-spot. They had joked about the flimsy dongs verse the hard ones.

Tris wiped at her face, and stated, “So you are not hurt?”

“No, baby, I’m not hurt.”

Octavia picked up a large purple dong and stated in her best British accent, “it hangs like flax on a distaff; and I hope to see a housewife take thee between her legs and spin it off.” She swung the dick in the air.

Clarke laughed the hardest, the most familiar with Shakespeare’s _Twelfth Night._ Raven picked up her own dick, hers large and thicker than the rest. Shifting her weight, she help up the floppy cock and waved it at Octavia, saying, “Do you bite your thumb at us, sir?”

Clarke reached forward and retrieved the smallest and most flesh textured penis. She tried to hold it out, but it immediately bent in a flaxen state. Clarke’s expression faded in distress as she said, “I will live in thy heart, die in your lap, and be buried in thy eyes,” and she reached forward smacking Octavia was the soft thump to her head.

Octavia didn’t stutter a thought, as she struck out and wacked Clarke in the chest. She then turned her purple prick to Raven, and cried out, “Pistol’s cock is up, and flashing fire will follow.”

But Raven was too swift, and her penal sword to strong. Tossing Octavia’s thrust to the side, and then jabbed the girl in the tit. Octavia fell back into Tris, holding her chest, she cried out, “I am hurt! A plague on both your houses! I am sped. Is he gone, and hath nothing?”

Tris was shaking her head as Octavia dramatically spread over her lap. Her voice was hitched with laughter as she said, “I don’t know what you are talking about, O.” She pushed at her trying to roll the heavy limp body from her.

Clarke was on her feet waving her useless weapon, and she stated, “She is blaming you for her death and cursing you. You must take up arms!”

Tris reached over and grabbed the longest silicon instrument with a head on each of the 18 inched end. “Un grade!” She shouted, and managed to pulled herself from under Octavia.

Raven jabbed Octavia in the chest once more, because being impaled by a penis once was just not enough. “You villain!” the teen cried out at the abuse, but then sprang to her feet and swiped at Raven again.

Tris was pummeling Clarke with her expansive length as Clarke tried to fight back with her limp dick. Each strike that Clarke attempted to blow, ended with a _Swapt!_ against various regions of her body.

Penises struck the female bodies that danced around the room, a bloodless battle but one that would forever be imbedded into each of their minds.

**~Lexa~**

Levi had woken several minutes before Lexa had learned a whole new meaning for the word Shakespeare. They had gathered the infant in their arms and found the warmed bottle. As the moved down the hallway they heard round two of the sex talk. Not wanting to have to partake again, they took a seat on the bench that was leaning against the hall way wall.

It broke them a little to hear Clarke explain to the crying girl that Lexa was not in fact abusing her. It hurt them to think that Tris would even consider they were capable of it. But then they remembered that the girl’s father had brutalized her for too long. How could she not believe they were capable of beating their wife?

They swallowed, and made a decision. Tomorrow was the first time they would get to take Clarke as they pleased. And they were going to leave the  whips and ties tucked away in the drawer.

Tomorrow they would make love to the woman just as they had that very first time. When they learned her body. Etching every curve and crevice into their memory. Absorbing the smell and taste of her kiss, her perspiration, and her arousal.

But they heard the tension ease from the room, and a whole shift in dialogue as the girls began speaking in some questionable old English. Moving from their chair, they moved into the doorway, and watched their daughter and wife bounce around the room, having a sword fight with silicon swords. It took them a minute to realize that each female was holding onto a cock, and Tris holding the largest one of all. It made them feel a whole new level of discomfort.

Because one: where the fuck did all these dongs come from.

Number two: why were they beating each other with them.

Lastly: how did Clarke manage to obtain the floppiest fuck toy.

Levi cried against them in, having finished their bottle and struggling with gas in their belly. Clarke shot her eyes to the door, and waved her flimsy fleshy womb ferret at them.

“You spy, but you fail to aide your wife!” she accused them, and attempted to strike but held back when she saw Levi in their arms.

Lexa raised a brow and said, “You wave your pinche pito at me, Prisa?”

The girls were all looking at them then with sheepish eyes of inncocence. Raven had found a seat, and moved her penis to her crotch. Octavia followed suit with Tris quickly behind her, and they all moved their hips and hands to waggle their wangs.

“We dost all pivot our chorizos at you!”


	39. ... question everything, but choose with your heart...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DO NOT READ AT WORK!!!!

**~Clarke~**

With everyone excused from school for the day, Abby came over early to load the girls into the car. Clarke was still in the kitchen flipping pancakes and the girls yelling about their bags and who was supposed to pack the shampoo and conditioner, when her mother strolled into the house.

Abby made her way directly over to Clarke and peaked into the wrapped that held the nursing infant. She ran her finger over their sucking cheek, but Clarke quickly swatted her away.

“That’s my tit, Mom,” Clarke growled, but it only made Abby laugh.

Taking a seat at the table, she spoke over her shoulder, “Most women become exhibitionists after the kid. It’s not like they’re private, honey, their food.”

“Mine,” Lexa stated as they walked into the room, after dodging a duffle bag that was launched from the hallway.

Clarke snorted, and shifted to give Levi the other side. “Technically they’re your child’s right now.”

Lexa straightened their back and moved to snag a piece of bacon from the cooling rack. “They are only borrowing what is mine.”

Clarke glanced at her mother, as the older woman was shaking her head. It brought a smile to the blonde’s face because it still made her happy to cause the woman discomfort. “

So today’s the day,” she states, turning to Lexa. They tried to control their smile, but there was no denying that they had taken the day off of work to go to the doctor with her. “The appointment is at 11, and Luna says she will take Levi after we go on our morning walk. Care to join us?”

Lexa moved in closer to her, pressing her lower back to the island and dipping down to kiss her lips and then her neck. They arched their back so not to disturb the child against her chest. Each kiss was gentile, their lips so soft against her skin.

But like all sweet moments, children ruin them.

“We’re leaving in like twenty minutes. You can’t keep your lips off her until then, Nontu?”

Lexa stood up then and glared at Raven from over Clarke’s shoulder. Clarke took in the fierce green of their eyes, and the strength of their set jaw. It made her think of the first time they stood in her entryway, a stoic stranger with so much allure that Clarke was immediately captivated.

And a year later, she was still lost in Lexa’s unique beauty. Looking over their exposed flesh that the fitted black t-shirt allowed and the subtle shades of their cleavage, she felt her heart flutter that they were hers. They had chosen her over anyone else.

“No more children,” Lexa growled suddenly, taking her lips in theirs once more so she could not argue. When they pulled away, their chest was still purring slightly.

Quietly, Clarke answered, “We both know we can’t promise that.”

They stared into her eyes, searching for meaning. She wanted to be complete with their family, but she had no intention of shutting their door. They nodded then, because they knew that it wasn’t in this family’s nature to turn a kid away.

Levi released then, gurgling out their displeasure with being smooshed between their parents. Lexa carefully unwrapped the large strip of material from around Clarke’s body until they could easily pull Levi from Clarke’s chest.

As quickly as the child was moved, Clarke was trying to clasp the front of the nursing tank up over her exposed chest. The first clasp fixed easily but the right side was fighting her.

**~Tris~**

Once her bag was dropped on top of the other girls’, Tris made her way into the kitchen to get her plate. She froze though when she saw Clarke standing with her back to everyone else and her breasts out.

The blonde’s fingers were working at the clasps, but it was clearly causing her trouble. Tris was struggling with whether to try and help or just turn away since it was clear that Clarke had not yet seen her. No such luck thought because Octavia has strolled in behind her, taken one look at Clarke’s struggle, and then a look of disgust fell over her face as she looked over at Tris who had stood by and watched.

Shooting out a hand and closed over Tris’s eyes, Octavia screeched, “Put your boobs away!”

Tris couldn’t see anything, but heard her new mother huffing and becoming really frustrated. Wiggling free, Tris cast Octavia a dirty look, before moving towards Clarke that still couldn’t get the clasp in place, having more trouble because she was now irritated.

Tris calmed the woman’s hands, and just looked at the blue eyes that Lexa had fallen in love with. She sucked back her air, as the blonde before her briefly flashed into another blonde with a different shade of bluish green eyes. It was startling to Tris, but still she felt right here with Clarke and Lexa.

Without much effort she got the top clasped again, and was pulling to Clarke’s chest. Her head was angled at a scowling Octavia, and she knew that Octavia thought she had been checking out Clarke’s bare chest. But that wasn’t on her mind, but now she would have to find a way to tell Octavia that.

“Thanks, kid,” Clarke whispered, “I don’t know why I got so upset.”

Tris shrugged, and moved away once Clarek released her. “I just wanted pancakes but your boobs were blocking them,” the girl stated, bumping into Clarke’s hip with her side.

Internally though, she was kind of a mess. She had seen her mom, her real mom, in Clarke and it freaked her out. She wondered if it was just her losing her damn mind again. Because when she was scared, like she had been last night at the sight of the bruises on Clarke’s skin, she tended to see things that were real and not real. Like the world and her mind crossed making it difficult to distinguish between to the two.

She hoped that the nightmares would not return. Hoped that things would be different. But it would be a lie to herself to not awknowledge how much she wished Charolette was there. How she would have loved to see if Charles would come around to see her the way he came to see Lexa.

But Charles hadn’t shown much interest in her. His eyes avoided her like they would fall apart if the fell on her like they had that first day. That day he had come to comfort her, but he had vaporized after her announcement.

She sat at the table still lost in thought, as she picked at the pancakes with her fingers. She didn’t like butter or syrup, so she just ripped at the circular shaped food and shoved it into her mouth.

The house moved around her, as she just sat and ate her food. Missing her mother, missing her grandfather, and trying to situate herself in this new normality that seemed to always be moving around her.

She felt a set of hands on her shoulders that pulled her back into the moment, Looking up, she saw Lexa staring down at her. Their face was filled with questions, and she was sure hers was too.

Checking that no one was around, Tris nodded to the seat next to her. Their seat. And they took it without question. She tore the food into smaller pieces that littered her plate. She couldn’t help the heaviness in her chest, as she spoke. “I really like being here,” she started. Each piece got a little smaller, but she didn’t have it in her to stop, because it was a distraction that was very much needed as she held her breath; holding her breath, so that she would not let out the tears of sadness that should not be within her on a day that was meant to be special. And she breathed. “I want to be adopted.”

Lexa’s fingers traced over hers, and she looked up to see that they were not alone but that Clarke was behind her, holding Lexa and Lexa’s broken hand holding her. “We want you,” Lexa stated, no wavering in their voice.

Tris nodded knowing. Because she knew they wanted her and she wanted them. But she needed to remember Charlotte. “I don’t know where they buried her,” she said so quietly that she was afraid she would have to repeat it. But Lexa squeezed her hand and she knew they heard her. “Can I… will you help me…” but she couldn't finish though because she was going to cry and she couldn’t cry. She couldn’t cry because the girls had held her down the morning and taught her the finer workings of applying eyeliner, promising to take a sister photo outside the house before they left for their trip.

She sucked in her breath and tried to get the sentence out. “I want to visit my mom’s grave if I can find it please.”

Lexa looked up at Clarke and Clarke was nodding eagerly. She was nodding, and saying, “Of course, baby. We will find the location and we will all go. Uncle Ryder and Tia Luna. We will all go.”

Tris didn’t know why she did it. She didn’t see herself ever being that kid. But in this moment she was that kid. The one that launched themself into their parents’ arms after getting the present of the century. But she was that kid, and it may not be Christmas, but she felt like the luckiest damn kid in the world. So she threw herself forward and landed into Lexa’s arms that were warm and waiting for her.

**~Lexa~**

Lexa drove with Clarke in the seat beside them. They were coming back from the doctors when they pulled into the Starbucks drive thru. They had received the all clear to have as much sex as they wanted. After a heated make out session against the car hood, they made their way home with this being the only stop.

Without even a question, Lexa leaned out the window and spoke to the speaker box. Clarke fingers found their neck, when their body returned to rest against the seat.

“You are an amazing parent, Lexa,” she said out of nowhere. The blonde head staring out at the window in the opposite direction of the building. “I don’t want to have anymore kids but I know that we probably have room still for a few more kids that need us.”

Heat rippled out from their heart across their chest and down their body. They reached over and rubbed at Clarke’s knee lightly. Looking her over, they ran the length of  the subtle ridge of her chin and the way her  small nose extended at just the right angle.

“I mean we have to convince Raven and Octavia to give up their rooms when the time comes but I just don’t think we're done yet.”

The sunrays making their way through the tented glass bounced from the golden hair and Lexa could swear that the woman sitting next to them had a fucking halo above her head.

The blinked a few time, and when they opened their eyes, they saw their wife looking back at them. Her eyes shining with hope that they would understand her. They nodded to her then.

As the car in front of them moved forward, Lexa returned their attention to getting home. Without a word, they hit the button to the window and it slid downward as they pulled up to the the girl hanging out the window.

The familiar woman that had left them coldly a few days after their graduation only to return their life trying to launch a fist at their soon to be wife.

Lexa’s face paled, but Clarke just waved casually saying, “Hi, Costia.” They looked at their wife, not sure what to say.

“Hello, Clarke, “ turning the dark eyes back on them, she added, “Hi Lexa.”

Stammering, they asked, “You… you work… here… you work here?”

Costia nodded, and added, “I am trying to get a teaching spot at one of the high schools, but until then here I am.” The woman gestured to inside the Starbucks. Their Starbucks. The Starbucks they came to every single day.

She was handing their drinks to them, and scanning the phone app that they held up, while they still just tried to process Costia being here and in their everyday life. Like she hadn’t up and left four years prior.

“Thank you,” they uttered barely, and pulled away from the window.

Clarke turned back to Lexa, and she looked them over. Her words were careful. Not accusatory, just careful as she asked, “You okay?” Lexa stared ahead trying to decide.

_Are you okay?_

They took a hand off the wheel and rubbed at their forehead. Trying to remind themselves that this wasn’t a big deal. Costia being in their life was going to be just fine.

The problem was it wasn’t fine because brought back the memories of their years of not being good enough. Of their insecurity of who they were and the way they would let her dress them and tell them how to behaved. 

Clarke hand was on their neck then, playing with their escape curls from the bun. Her touch was soothing, but Costia was back.

“Lexa, it’s ok to admit that you are not alright with this. We can find a different Starbucks,” Clarke offered. Trying to find away to make things better for them, the blonde scooted closer to them and pressed a kiss to their cheek as they put the car into park.

They turned to Clarke, who had retreated back to her seat. “I love you, Prisa,” Lexa stated in an unwavering voice. “It’s a not that I question my love for you, but she make me remember a version of me that made me almost lose you.”

They gripped and twisted the steering wheel, remembering as they sat in this very car after the blonde had stood in the doorway sobbing for their rejection of her and themself.

Clarke hand was on their cheek then, and she leaned forward once more, capturing their lips in hers. Softly she opened her mouth, and urged them to allow her access. They couldn’t think about anything but Clarke after that. Couldn’t think about anything besides the way her nose was pressed against theirs as her soft tongue ran against theirs within their mouth.

The sincerity of her presence. Lexa reached forward holding her to their mouth by the back of her neck, and it was so much like their first kiss in this very car. The way the passion had over taken their ability to do or say anything besides trying to be one with the woman that made up their happiness.

This time it wasn’t a school bell though that pulled them apart. No, it was the soft cries of their child, waking up from the rested nap in the back seat. In the infant mirror, they would see the wide eyed one month old holding a finger out at them.

Clarke smiled and whispered, “I’ll take them to Luna’s and then I’ll be back, Commander.”

Lexa pulled her back in though for another kiss, and when they pulled away, they asked, “Since this is like the first time again, can I just be Lexa today?”

Clarke’s head tilted and then crashed into their lips again. With each bruising kiss she said, “Of. Course. You. Can. Lexi.”

**~Clarke~**

The blonde didn’t know what to expect as she returned from across the street from Luna and Ryder’s place. Lexa had stayed back at the house saying that wanted to get ready for her. She was kind of confused by what they could possibly get ready in the ten minutes it took her to hand over her youngest child to their Tia and Uncle, but she said okay.

When she entered the house, she heard a soft piano melody coming from the bedroom. The path to the bedroom was lined with mason jars and small tea candles, while the floor was covered in green silk leaves. The cuteness of the gesture was undeniable and so close to the way that she had spent her wedding night.

Moving down the hallways she followed the sound of the music to see Lexa leaning against the base of the bed, waiting for her. They didn’t have flowers or something cheese, just themself and their skinny jeans and suspenders.

No shirt.

Just their suspenders running up the sides of their breasts as they waited for her with a sultry grin. Clarke stopped in her tracks just to appreciate the flat toning of their abdomen, and the way their skin flickered in the candlelight.

“You are beautiful,” Lexa said as they took the few steps to their wife and Clarke closed the remaining distance. They caught her in their arms, and reached up to brush her hair from her face.

In their eyes, she could see her own reflection, and as they rid her of her boyfriend sweater and her tank top. She feels beautiful under their gaze in spite of her still shifting stomach.

Lexa’s hands rest on her hips as they just look at her. Their eyes not scanning, rather savoring her before them. Like they were mentally taking pictures of her face. Then her throat and collar bones, as a single hand raises to touch their marks from the night before.

“I will never be able to proper worship how beautiful you are, Klarke,” they said quietly, “but today… today I would like to try.”

They ran their fingers through the hair on the back of her neck, and pulled her into their lips. Her nipples touching their bare chest as they slide into her mouth softly. Their tongue dancing with hers.

Clarke’s hand found its way to their lower back and pulled them even more flush to that their body were pressed against each other as they broke apart, shifted angle and reconnected.

The hand on her hip pressed into the soft flesh and kneaded gently. The action pulled a soft moan from Clarke’s lips that they swallowed gratefully.

Twisting them around, Lexa walked her to the bed, and eased her backwards until she was forced to sit down. Once down, Lexa knealed before her, they kissed her collarbones and then down her chest, paying a little attention to each perked nipple. Swirling their tongue around the darkened areola and flicking against the nipple. They didn’t suck so not to activate the woman’s breasts to begin producing the warm milk that they loved.

With careful fingers the undid the button of Clarke’s jeans and then the zipper. Sitting back on their heals, they pulled the garment along with the woman’s black thong from her body and dropped them on the side of the bed. With her bare flesh exposed to them, they again took their mental pictures. Her hands came up to block the reddish scar that ran just over her pelvic bone along with the unattractive scrunched skin and reddish stretch marks. Lexa’s hands found her though, and they were shaking their head.

“You are beautiful.”

Clarke bit her lip, and closed her eyes. She wanted to believe it. She wanted to believe they could see her after pregnant body as beautiful but she couldn’t do it.  Lexa’s hands pulled hers away though and they leaned forward, pressing soft kisses across the scar, and then down until they were pressing a kiss to the top of her wet slit.

She watched them, but on hand came up to push her backwards, and their tongue pressed within. Her eyes closed as their smooth tongue grazed over the hooded clit. She opened her mouth, and allowed the moans to flow from her, and Lexa slipped one and then two fingers within her, carefully pumping in and out.

The room was warm, or maybe it was just Clarke as her body relaxed under every touch. Lexa’s tongue ran over her carefully and with enough pressure to cause her to feel the heat rising in her belly first, then seep throughout the rest of her body.

_I love you._

_I love you._

_I love you._

Each massaging caress reinforced their love for her. There was no immediate lust in Lexa’s actions. Each motion was measured and soothing just as they had kissed her before.

The rise to her precipice was gradual as though Lexa was taking her on a pleasant walk through the forest, their smile flashing behind her eyes lids, a brightness in her eyes.

When she reached the ridge, she fell into a dizzy premonition of a graying Lexa and her curled up on a starlit hill as their grown children and grandchildren shared in a meteor shower. Their arms was warm around her, as they pressed sweet kisses to her neck. She leaned back into their warmth, and felt as their hands moved south towards her sex again.

The brush of their dexterous fingers against her sensitive clit brought her back to the present. She was laying on her side, the small spoon cradled in Lexa’s embrace as they whispered to her that she was theirs and they were so grateful for her and the life she had given them.

**~Lexa~**

Clarke had fallen into a blissful dream world when her walls clenched their fingers. They kissed their way up her still pulsing body and shifted her form so that they could cuddle against her.

Ghosting their fingers over her sides and the under skin of each breast. Gradually they moved their touch lower, and their wife came back to them. Her ass ground softly back into them, and they dipped a finger into her cunt again. Pressing just slightly to her little pink nerve bundle.

She came to light with a throaty moan, turning to see them. Her hand brushed their cheek, before the palm was cupping their jaw line and she was kissing herself from their lips. With each deepened kiss, they felt their arousal growing stronger. The woman pressed them to the bed, straddling their hips.

Her hand moved from their jaw, over their breast. With a thumb she pressed against the nipple. Lexa had to break the kiss as their head threw back and they moaned, “Fuck, I love you.”

After some needed attention to each of their breasts, Clarke pulled back from the kiss and sat back. Her fingers found the button to their pants, and made quick work of pulling open the offending article. They bit their lip, as she pulled out the pink flesh colored cock they wore on their first day in their apartment.

Her hands returned to their shoulders and she pushed the suspenders from their shoulders. With some help, their pants were removed.

They watched as she ran her slit over the cock that was pressed up their abdomen. With each movement, she let out a quiet moan. Lexa’s hips moved in tune with her motions, until she shifted up and took the toy within her. The entrance was gradual, and they were patient as she carefully pressed down onto them. The pressure against their clit was causing a steady build of twisted tension within.

As Clarke pressed downward, taking them entirely within her, She held their eyes. Clarke’s mouth was shaped as an “o” as she slowly moved her body up and down against them.

Their hands found her ass and they squeezed the supple flesh rocking into each thrust. Losing themselves in her moans, they felt their own slick drip down their ass as she pressed again and again into her. Her body was gradually picking up speed, and one hand found its way up to play with the beading nipple. When Clarke rocked back, Lexa pulled themselves up from the bed and took her seeping nipple between their lips.

Sucking carefully, Clarke’s hand found their hair and pulled them into her closer. Her voice was husky, as she cried out, “Fuck, Lexa, yes.”

Each downward thrust, pressed against them.

Pressed so perfectly against them

Against their pulsing clit.

The rising thrust built the tension.

Tension that was building slowly but intensely.

But intensity increased a fraction.

A fraction with her fall.

Her fall back into their sex, dripping.

Drips running down their shaft with her ascent.

The ascent that would only lead down.

Her own descent back.

They pumped into her, as their tongue lapped against the milky nipple. Clarke was quickly losing herself, but they couldn’t wait for her. The taste of her filling them and the constant pressure of her riding their dick sent them over the edge. Their body jerking upward with several sharp thrusts. Each one hitting Clarke at jus the right angle.

She fell with a scream of ecstasy, crying out, “I love you, Lek-ssaaa.” _Gasp!_ “I love you!”

Lexa met her called, with their own throaty moan, “I love you, Prisa. More than anything. I was made for you and only you.”

Clarke didn’t move from them, rather allowed her walls to pulse around the warm shaft buried within her.  Lexa breathed in the mixture of her coconut shampoo and musky sweat. It was beautiful and encompassed their senses as they ran their fingers up and down her silky back.

The woman pressed her lips to their salty throat, before sucking her own mark into their skin that she soothed over with her able tongue. Their hands moved down her back and shifted their weight, so that Clarke was now below them.

They pressed themself into her and built into a smooth rhythm. One of her arms wrapped around them, and pulled their hips deeper into her. Her lips around their ear lobe, as they felt the rising pressure each time they bottomed out against their wife’s pussy. Her fingers were digging into their ass and they could tell number three was rising too fast.

They wanted move time to they pulled back and out. She displeasure at the action caused her to groan, but their hands were on her and she was rolling and then on her knees before them. Lining their dick up, they pushed within her.

Her hips immediately shifted back so that it was her that controlled their first plunge, within her. They gripped her shoulder with one hand, while their casted hand was guiding her hips back to them.

“Fuck me, baby. Fuck, please more.”

Lexa pushed into her, sending her body forward.

They answered, “Oh god, you are so perfect.”

Her ass met them mid thrust and they ground their hips to hers.

“Harder… Deeper… Please…” she begged.

They pulled her shoulder and hip back as they thrust within.

“You like that, Prisa. You like me taking you.”

Each thrust was deeper and faster, both hands on her hips.

“Oh my god! Lek-saa… Please don’t stop.”

Their hips pulled her rocking back onto them swifter.

“Scream for me, Klark. Tell the world you’re mine.”

They knew they were hitting her spot over and over,

because her legs were shaking as her orgasm built.

“Yours… I’m all yours… FUCK ME, LEXA!”

Hips slapped against her ass cheeks, and they felt it building.

“Yes, Klarke. You want more don’t you?”

Their finger found the tight bud on perfect display for them.

Running a thumb over the budded flesh, feeling the wetness.

“Oh yes… please! Fuck yes… YES!”

Their thumb entered just enough to rub against her.

Against her thin skin that separated their cock and finger.

“Oh god, Klark. You are so perfect,” they cried.

Each thrust sending them sprinting to up the hill.

The hill that they would throw themselves over.

“I’m gonna… I’m gonna to cum, Lexi!”

They pushed into her further, and she met them.

Her perfect ass pressing against them seamlessly.

“Come with me, Klark. Please with me.”

And they tumbled together, bucking against each other.

Each thrusting into the other as their bodies reached.

Reached out for oblivion that they other possessed.

**~Clarke~**

Clarke woke with Lexa’s arms wrapped possessively over her. Her face tucked into their shoulder, as they breathed in deeply. A soft whistle coming from their nose. She admired the rise and fall of their perky breasts and fought the urge to run her fingers over the softened nipples.

Carefully pulling from their embrace, she made it to the bathroom and relieved herself for what felt like an eternity. After washing her hands and pulling her hair up into a knotted bun, she moved back into the room. Against just watched the sleeping form of her partner. A tiny smile played on their lips and it made her breath catch.

Lexa was hers.

And she couldn’t imagine not being theirs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so this is a note to the person that approached me at Starbucks today. I am sorry that I am not cool. I was taken soo on surprise that I didn't know what to do or say.
> 
> I am so happy I got to somewhat meet you, and now you know that I am complete and utter nerd that doesn't believe that anyone would pay close enough attention to what I write that when I ordered my drink you would be able to know it was me. I was in complete shock and as I spoke with Jude81 and Roliver, I realized I was a complete douche. I am soooo sorry, dude. 
> 
> Thank you for approaching me. Thank you for telling me you loved my work. Thank you again and again. 
> 
> And may we meet again.- Luxi


	40. ... own yourself and your actions... all of them....

  **~Lexa~**

The light outside was waning when Lexa woke from their rest, covered with the light sheet. They stretched out, and felt the empty cool sheets. Opening their eyes, they glanced around the room, sad to see a complete absence of blonde curls.

“Hmph,” Lexa let out, wanting to have woken to their wife curled into their side. They twisted until they were sitting up. The white cat ran his body against Lexa’s leg as he stretched and cried out for his food dish to be filled. Lexa’s lips curled and they grumpily stated, “Go find your mom, since she decided to abandon me here.”

“Why are you so grumpy, Commander?” Clarke’s voice called from down the hall. She came in a few moments later with a tray.

Lexa swallowed as they took in the still bare skin, shining faintly in the fading light. Their grumpy mood lessened as she moved in closer, and the smell of simple cheesy goodness wafted towards them with each step she took. Lexa’s stomach growled as they looked over the steaming tortilla that oozed with melted deliciousness.

“Oh, I see,” Clarke stated, mocking them lightly as they quickly reached for the tray. The tortilla warmed their cool hand as they grasped it, shoving several not so dainty bites into their hands.

With a mouthful, they tried to argue, “Mowkery s knot a product,” they swallowed, “of a strong mind.”

Clarke snorted, but Lexa didn’t care at the moment because their wife was edging her way from the bed to her knees before them. They cocked an eyebrow at her, and took another bite.

As her finger drug up their thighs, lightly their eyes rolled back into head. Between the food and her touch, they were almost already climaxing. When her fingers hit the apex of their sex, she ran her fingers back down.

Chewing quickly, they swallowed as soon as it felt safe. As soon as the blonde was pushing their thigh apart. Her blue eyes were dark, and Lexa could tell that Clarke’s hunger was not for the tray of food she made but for something else. Something only they could give her.

“Hungry, Prisa?” Lexa asked, a cocky smirk playing on only one edge of her lips.

The barely blue irises gazed innocently up at them, and she nodded softly. The subtly of the gesture almost took them over the edge.

Taking another bite, they looked down at her. They were stalling, trying to decide what kind of Lexa that Clarke was hoping to get. Once the food was cleared from their lips, they licked their upper lip.

Lexa watched as the woman’s eyes dilated further, and they could tell she was waiting for them to give her permission.

But they held off.

Just enjoying their view.

Took in her breasts that lifted.

Then they would fall with each breath.

Her tongue as it licked her lip.

The pulse in her throat.

Its pulsing, desire.

Her lustful gaze, waiting.

Her fingers tracing them softly.

The way she swallows as they spread.

Taunting her with a wet view.

Letting her whine gently.

Just to remind her.

Lexa finished the plate of quesadilla, and wiped at their lips with the napkin. Their eyes hadn’t left their wife. Unwilling to give in just yet. Realistically, they were having fun torturing the woman, whose touches were growing more desperate, as they approached ever closer to their crevice.

Clarke’s patience was clearly waning though, because her lip jutted out slightly, and she begged, “Please, Commander.”

Lexa’s head tilted to the side, as they reached forward, and carded their fingers through the blonde hair, curls jutting out from the sloppy bun. There was just enough room to lock their fingers into her hair, and pull. Pull her face closer to them, but stopping just as her pink tongue was about to reach their sex.

Her voice whined a little, when her eye tore away from the glistening prize that Lexa’s hand had promised her. Her hands weaved under their thighs as she balanced herself.

Unable to fight it back, Lexa burst into the laugher. The whole game of Clarke begging to eat them out and them pretending like they would ever deny her tongue buried within them was just too much for them to handle anymore.

Clarke’s eyes flashed with hurt though and they instantly regretted their reaction as her hands dropped from their thighs and she went to push up from them. Their grip in her hair having faltered when they had thrown their head backwards.

On her feet and turning from them, they reached out and grabbed hold of her hips. Tugging their wife back, Lexa buried their face into the soft curls at the base of her neck. Quietly whispering between kisses, “I’m sorry, Prisa.”

“It’s fine, Lexa,” but the tone suggested anything besides ‘fine’. And Lexa knew. Knew that when Clarke said fine she meant fuck off.

They held their arms around her tighter, still speaking softly, but clearly not making any progress, because Clarke was sitting stiffly in their lap. She was just waiting for the chance to pull away.

Keeping a firm grip with one arm, they used their casted hand to push away the tray. Once the bed was clear, Lexa lobbed the blonde’s body like a toy onto the mattress and quickly straddled her across the waist. They felt the warmth of her stomach meet their clit, and fought back the urge to just runt against her.

Staring down, they saw Clarke’s face turned to the side, clearly angry. They hadn’t meant to piss her off, but they could tell that that was exactly what they had done.

Not really sure how to proceed, they try the first thing that comes to mind besides sinking a few digits into her and taking her to the stars. “Prisa, can we talk?”

“Sure.” _Damn it._

Lexa decided to move from her body, finding a seat on the bed. As soon as their legs crossed under them, Lexa felt the pressure of a full bladder begging for release. But they decided against better judgment to hold it.

Clarke just lay on the bed.

“Did you enjoy yourself this afternoon?” they tried.

“Yes.” _Damn it._

Taking a deep breath, they tried again, “Are you angry with me?”

 

**~Octavia~**

Getting out of the Phoenix area hadn’t been difficult since they had missed most of the high traffic times by leaving early. However, they chose to take a detour when getting to Flagstaff, heading to the Grand Canyon to show Tris one of the Seve Wonders of the World. The day had gone well, each girl with dozens of photos memorializing the event. When the light faded in the sky, they left the State Park and headed towards the Spa.

Abby was driving with Raven passed out beside her in the passenger’s seat. Abby’s arm draped casually across the console, and rested over Raven’s arm. Octavia wished she could crush the jealousy she felt with how easily Abby had loved her sister, but had taken years for the surgeon to stop making snipe comments concerning Clarke’s poor life choices. Abby had finally accepted her, but she would move the world for Raven.

Turning her eyes back from the front to her phone, she clicked open the note pad, and tapped away at the screen, backspacing regularly. She was struggling to write the speech she was expected to give in a few short weeks. The words would come, but they were all too common, too familiar “we are young but going to be successful” bullshit everyone delivers.

“Mom says that your story is always the best one to tell,” Tris said next to her. The younger girl was watching her from her side of the backseat. Octavia adjusted in her seat, pulling one leg under the other. “Wanna talk about it?” she asked.

Octavia turned to the girl, setting the phone down. She looked her over, still irked at Tris’s ogling of Clarke that morning.

Tris shifted uncomfortably but didn’t break eye contact with the older girl. Octavia couldn’t decide if she liked the girl or not to be truthful. She was a kid. And she tried really hard to please everyone, including her. But… she just couldn’t decide if the girl was really meant to be hers. She had never doubted Raven was hers after their initial confrontation.

Quietly, almost too quietly, Tris said, “You don’t have to talk to me. I’m sorry.” Her eyes fell then, and she leaned forward to rummage through the old backpack at her feet.

“Why were you looking at her like that?” Octavia went with the question on her mind. She knew she wouldn’t be able to have a serious conversation with the other girl until she knew what Tris’s intention was this morning.

Tris pulled _The Giver_ book out from her backpack, opening to the dog-eared page. She didn’t even bother to look up to acknowledge her question. Instead, she pulled a leg up and mimicked Octavia’s position. Once comfortable, Tris looked up.

“Why do you always think the worst of me?”

“I don’t know you,” Octavia stated coldly. She could feel the eyes on her from the front seat, but she didn’t care. Abby chose Raven, so there was no point trying anymore.

Tris audibly sighed, and Octavia watched as she rolled her eyes. It was the most abstinence she had seen from the younger girl thus far. Usually the girl just watched and did as she was told. Complete lack of a backbone to establish herself more than a little kid craving attention.

But then the girl added to it, and explained, “Then there is nothing to say because even if I told you, you wouldn’t know if I was lying. That’s all I do right? What you think of me? Liar. Stupid. Fucked up.”

Tris didn’t need to say it, because Octavia knew. _That’s what everyone thinks of kids from the system._

“There’s no point because I will never be what you want me to be,” and then with another phrase, Octavia realized she was no better than Abby and been to her, “I’ll never be good enough to be your sister.”

Octavia looked up to see Abby’s eyes welling up. She was at the perfect angle actually to watch as Abby chewed on Tris’s statement. Octavia locked eyes with the grandmother when she glanced back at her.  They shared nothing more than a moment, the accident a month prior still too present in their minds.

“Look I’m a bitch,” she answered. Her eyes closing as she thought over all the ridiculousness she had dealt. Sure there were her moments of kindness, but really she had treated Tris just like she had treated Alexi. Shaking her head lightly in shame, Octavia knew.

Taking a deep breath, she prepared to be a better person.

The person that Clarke knew she was.

The person that had been given a chance.

The person that was going to give chances.

Octavia turned so her whole body was facing Tris, and she stated again, “I’m a bitch, and I can’t write my speech because even though I am proud of myself, I am still ridiculously insecure.”

Tris didn’t look at her or the book in her hands. No, the girl just stared out the window. Octavia could see past the girl as the trees flew by, the land disappearing into the wooded forest.

“I’m sorry,” she breathed.

“I wasn’t looking at her boobs,” the girl supplied. “I like girls but she said she wants to be my mom. I don’t see her like that… I don’t see you like that or Raven. I’m not… I’m not trying to ruin your family.”

Nothing but the sound of the tires traveling over the road filled the car, until Raven shifted and looked over at Abby. Her voice was a little groggy, but the husky tone was as flirtatious as ever, “Yeah, O. I’m the only perv in the family that tried to sleep with Mom, and considered trying to get in Gram’s pants. But I mean fuck who is lucky enough to have such beautiful women their life.”

Abby reached over and lightly smacked Raven. Octavia saw the woman’s brown eyes roll, but the smile that graced her lips was one that told Octavia she felt proud to be known as a hot grandmother.

“You’re gross,” Tris said, but a smile was subtly spreading into her eyes even though her lips remained straight.

Raven leaned back and looked at her in the backseat, “What I can’t deny beauty when I see it. Mom’s got great tits, but she had Lexa. And Gram had to have a man, and I had to realize that even though I enjoy beauty and sound of a female voice calling my name, I am most definitely addicted to dick.”

Tris looked as though she may hurl, and Octavia swallowed the acid rising in her throat, because there was only one dick Raven had had, and it was her fucking brothers.

Holding her hand over her mouth, Octavia whined, “I think I’m going to puke.”

**~Clarke~**

Was she angry really? That was the only thing Clarke really couldn’t figure out. She ran her hand over her other arm, blocking her nipples from the cool air flowing over her naked body from the wooden ceiling fan.

Yeah, she was angry. She was trying to be sexy, and Lexa found it funny. Lexa found her begging as amusing and not sultry. And damn it the blonde wanted to be fucking sultry.

_Well, being angry isn’t sultry either._

Lexa’s fingers traced the region of her upper arm that was blocking her chest. She just couldn’t figure out what she did to fuck up. She had brought them dinner in bed. Had pleaded to lick them. They had clearly been aroused because their lips were glistening with the soft moisture that smelled distinctly of Lexa’s musky sweetness.

“Clarke?”

She twisted to her side and faced her partner. Lexa’s legs were spread to her view, and she could see the arousal still glistening from their cunt.

_So why the fuck were they laughing at me?_

Her eyes trailed up their flat stomach.

_Did they see me on my knees and realized…?_

Rising to the breasts with perked nips.

_I just don’t understand. What did I do wrong?_

Their pulse point was beating rapidly.

_It’s like their worried I am angry. Am I angry?_

Clarke’s eyes finally found Lexa’s and she could see the confusion and sadness. They didn’t understand what had happened as much as she didn’t understand. But it hit her.

She was self conscience.

Lexa had laughed.

Causing her to shut down.

Lexa had laughed.

And she became nervous.

Lexa had laughed.

Leaving a sense of doubt.

Lexa had laughed.

But she had done nothing.

Lexa had laughed.

So she withdrew in fear.

Everything began to make sense to her. Every emotional outburst of ridiculousness that caused her emotional distress. The look of Lexa’s self precieved failure was always connected to her own in ability to look at herself and feel the way Lexa saw her.

A vicious cycle that twisted them both.

Clarke looking in the mirror to see every flaw,

and Lexa looking at her and seeing her unhappy.

Because Lexa felt it was their job to make her;

Make her believe that she is beautiful.

That’s the thing though, Lexa couldn’t force it.

No they supported her, with unconditional love.

Continously looking for ways to reassure her.

Wanting her to see herself as they do.

Sitting up and crossing her legs, Clarke mimicked Lexa’s strong stance. She wished she was as strong as they were, as beautiful. And she shook her head because, seriously, there it was again.

“Lex, can we talk talk?” Clarke asked, finally meeting Lexa’s eyes again. The dilated lust in their eyes had faded into just the sparkling green sheened over with the fear of another dose of her belligerent anger. Striking out when she had bottled up too much self hate and sense of inferiority.

Lexa was nodding, giving her the floor. She wished they would lead this conversation. Wished they would take control, but looking at them she knew that they couldn’t.

**~Abby~**

The resort was the same as it was the year before. Their room was different, but the set up was vaguely familiar. The only major difference between this year and last year was the additional teen in her care and the way that Raven flirted with the blond spikey haired man at the front desk.

Apparently they had met last summer. Only briefly in an argument over needed to pee or something. To be honest, Abby wasn’t listening to the two because she was watching Octavia shouldering in more bags than she needed to carry with the bellman standing by. Watching as the girl shoulder the weight to try and clear her conscience. This was the kid she had always known.

 

_The winter was cold that year, and there was a surprising light snowfall to morning of Christmas Eve. Abby had woken to the empty house filled with the ghosts of regret. Rushing about, she tried to chase away her darkness and chill from the house for her daughter._

_This would be Clarke’s first Christmas home since she moved out after her high school graduation. Abby wanted it to feel like the home she remembered. The tree sat off the side still waiting to be decorated. She had saved that for Clarke, beign it was always her favorite part. Lighting the main room fire, the room began to dance with warmth and Abby took a moment to stare at the mantel where the last photo taken of her family sat. After a few moments of remenincing, it all became too much for her. Leaving the living room, she moved from room to room turning on lights to counter the darkened sky outside._

_By ten, they arrived in a cab that Clarke had insisted on. Abby wanted and offered to pick up her daughter, but Clarke had respectfully declined. Respectfully may have been pushing it though because her tone had dropped from excitement to annoyance when Abby’s answer had been no to whether she had traded in the sports car for something that could accommodate the kid._

_Opening the door, Abby reached out to embrace her daughter but found the dark haired teen being pushed into her arms, whether she was ready or not. That was always Clarke’s way though. She didn’t give anyone a choice. It was take her and her kid or Abby could have neither._

_The hug was tense for both of them. Tense and painful because when Abby released the gangly girl that had frozen in place having someone touch her, Clarke proceeded already to walk past her. Walked past her in annoyance that Abby’s face didn’t show any excitement for the girl’s first Christmas._

_With Clarke within, Abby took a second to look the girl over as she stood within the warm house and the girl on the cold porch._

_She had seen photos of the girl, but she was unprepared for hearing Octavia speak. “Merry Christmas, Dr. Griffin,” Her voice was carefully measured, and she spoke with a formality that Abby felt was just fake._

_Abby’s dark eyes scanned over the girl’s face trying to judge Octavia’s sincerity, but found nothing but fear. The girl was afraid of her, and she was instantly repulsed by the weakness. No, this couldn’t be Clarke’s child. She would never be Clarke’s child._

_“There will be no drugs done in this home and all of the alcohol has been locked away with the valuable items,” she stated, eyeing the girl for a reaction._

_Octavia shifted awkwardly, shouldering the heavy duffle bag. Her voice was still soft, but her head hung in shame as she explained, “I will not steal from you, Dr. Griffin, and I stopped doing drugs last year… Momma G helped me.”_

_The name made her freeze. Octavia had called her baby Momma G. Called her daughter, barely a woman, mother. Without thinking, she snapped, “She’s not your mother.”_

_And then Clarke was there. Was there signaling that really she had been there the whole time. She was there and pushed Abby out of the way with a shoulder and a second slap to the thigh from the matching duffle bag that Octavia held._

_“Get back in the cab,” Clarke was ordering, and Octavia didn’t hesitate to move from the porch and get back into the warm cab. Once the girl was in the car, Abby saw the stone ice of her daughter’s crystalized heart cooling her eyes. “You couldn’t just say Merry Christmas, Mom?”_

_Abby didn’t have a chance to respond before Clarke was off the porch. Throwing the bag into the trunk and slamming it shut. She glanced only briefly over her shoulder, stating, “We’re getting a hotel. We’ll be back for dinner. Please figure out a way to be at least civil.”_

_The cold breeze wrapped around her, not even the warm house at her back able to cool her. Probably because she felt her blood freeze, and her baby walk away again. Walk away just like before, but this time because of that kid._

_That kid had ruined her Christmas._

_That kid had come between her and Clarke._

_That kid had possibly ruined Clarke’s chance at normal._

_So she did what any woman that was angry and wanted to believe she was protecting her daughter would do. She tried to eliminate the problem. Figuring if she could break the girl down, then the kid would do all the rest for her. Clarke could then send her back and move forward with her life._

_~~~~~_

_When Clarke and Octavia returned, it was just in time for dinner. The girl’s face had been scrubbed but there was no doubt that the red nose and puffy eyes were not from the cold. Rather than remembering the girl before her was a kid though, she continued on with her plot._

_Clarke had given Abby a few foods to please not serve due to Octavia’s aversion to the items: peas, blueberries, and large amounts of pepper. She hadn’t explained that peas made the girl have nightmares of her abusive step-father’s force feeding them to her to teach her to eat her vegetables or that as a punishment he would cover her tongue in pepper when she didn’t bring home an A, or that the girl was actually allergic to blueberries._

_Octavia was a tough one though. Abby realized that when even though she looked like she may cry, she swallowed the two heaping scoops of peas that Abby had placed on her plate. Or how she ate the turkey that was coated in enough pepper to even cause her to cough. Clarke had glared at her when the food was brought out. Glared but didn’t say anything until dessert was brought out._

_It was the first time that night that Octavia looked excited. She had never had cheesecake before, but had heard about it. Abby knew this because it was the only sentence the teen had spoken since the return to the house. The first bite made her smile. The second made her tongue itch as the berry blend drizzle added to the flavor. The third bite made her choke._

_Even though she was hurting the girl, she had justified that this was what was best for Clarke. Ideally if given a second chance, she wouldn’t have done any of it. But truthfully, she probably would have. Abby probably would have only avoided the allergic reaction that ended in her giving the child a shot of epinephrine after her esophagus constricted and the girl’s lips started to turn the shade of the berry Clarke had asked her not to serve. But she would have made her eat the peas and the pepper coated turkey, for driving her daughter from her home on Christmas. Her first Christmas back._

_As Octavia rested weakly on the couch, Clarke paced the hallway. Paced silently, waiting until that kid was ready to go back to wherever they were staying. It was an hour. An hour of pacing and checking and scowling._

_And when they went to leave, the small teen with greenish-blue eyes looked at her kindly, and said, “Thank you for dinner, Dr. Griffin… Merry Christmas.” And she saw it then, the hope buried in her eyes for nothing more than approval. Approval and just simple politeness._

_Clarke took her daughter home the next morning. Finding the first flight out of town, not even stopping by the house to say goodbye. But why should she. Dr. Abigail Griffin had almost killed her daughter._

Once in the room, Abby called down to the restaurant and made them a reservation. The first memories of Octavia playing over and over in her head. It was tearing into her, and she felt the weight of the apologies never given. The longing way the girl still looked at her, and the unquestioned knowledge that Tris would be sharing a bed with Octavia because she felt that Abby would rather have Raven closer.

“Yes, four please,” she spoke to the hostess on the other end of the line. Receiving the confirmation, she thanked her.

Her eyes scanned the room and its occupants. The way Tris was running her hand over the various pieces of furniture, and Abby realized that the girl had never seen the inside of a hotel room before.  Raven lay on the bed that they were to share and she was poking her little sister that was across from her on the other bed. Octavia was up after the third poke, something weighing on her, and she moved over to a leather chair by the sliding glass door.

Abby wondered if Octavia was where she was or if it was something entirely different that was bugging the girl. She worried that she would only make it worse, but she couldn’t handle the guilt any longer. Turning to Raven, she nodded toward the door and eyed the younger girl.

Raven demonstrated she was on the same page as Abby by turning to the still bouncing younger teen, and saying, “Lexalike, let’s go check out the pool.”

Tris’s smile grew, and she exclaimed, “They have a pool?” When Raven nodded, Tris looked at Octavia, “Wanna come, O?”

Octavia looked back at them and saw Abby shaking her head at her. Octavia squinted some, and Abby realized she must think that she was in trouble. But she did what she always did when it came to Abby, she gave her exactly what she wanted.

“I’m good. I’ll just chill until dinner.”

The girls nodded, and Raven cast Abby a knowing look before following Tris out of the room. She could hear the older girl yell to the younger, “Fucker! Crutches!” But then the heavy door clicked shut and the room was filled once more with only the sound of her own heart beating.

The last time she had tried to talk with the girl, Abby had had a heart attack. Placing a hand over her chest, she tried to calm herself but it didn’t work. It didn’t work because Octavia was watching her. Watching her like she knew something was about to come and she was quickly trying to build up her emotional defenses.

“You never let me apologize,” Abby started, realizing that she started with blaming her lack of apologizing on Octavia.

“The past is done, Gram,” the teen responded.

Octavia clearly knew where Abby was going, but seemed not to want to hear her. Abby didn’t care though. Because she needed to say her peace. Say it before she reinforced every idea that Octavia had about her when she took Raven to Seattle and settle back into her old life.

Moving closer to the girl, she sat on the bed and reach over to take Octavia’s hand. Looking into the girl’s eyes, she said, “You know I always wondered what Aurora was like.”

“Strong willed but thought the only way to be live was with a man,” Octavia answered without a second thought. Her eyes were just there, no regret in her eyes.

Abby hummed for a minute, and said with a mild chuckle, “So she was a lot like Clarke?”

“Yeah.”

There was a moment of awkward silence. The tension in the room fluttering around them as neither was sure anymore why Abby asked the other two to leave or Octavia to stay.

“I’ll be nicer to her. I promise in to ruin girls’ weekend,” the teen said, and Abby realized that she still must feel like she is in trouble for the confrontation in the car.

“That’s not why I wanted to talk with you, O.”

_Just breath. You can do this._

“I’m sorry, Octavia,” Abby tried again, but Octavia slipped her hand away and pulled her small body into the chair. Abby’s clammy hands rubbed against her jeans. She wanted to make the girl feel better, but she could tell that Octavia was withdrawing from her.

After a deep inhale, Octavia returned her gaze, “I don’t understand why you love her so much more than me. I don’t understand why I was never good enough and when Raven walks in its like she is your instant granddaughter, when all I got was an attempted murder for Christmas on our first meeting. And I know I was doing that to Tris, and I will try to stop being such a selfish bitch, but I don’t understand what was so wrong with me.”

“You remember that?” Abby asked, cringing externally and crying internally.

Octavia looked to the ground. “We spent all night up because I couldn’t sleep. She kept crying that she had asked you not to make those things. She cried a lot that night and I held her. I held her because you hurt her way more than me.”

“I’m sorry. She told me you didn’t like them, and I was just trying to push your buttons to make you blow up,” Abby confessed. “But you were such a good kid.”

The teen was up then. Pacing just like Clarke, back and forth across the room. Abby wondered if Octavia had learned it from her.

“I did blow up. I blew up when we got home and told her to send me back. That I was a bad kid,” Octavia said. “In five minutes you made me remember what she had tried to get me to forget. That I was trash and that she wasn’t my mom. So I blew up. I blew up and threw the present I had gotten her against the wall. It was glass and shattered. But it had said Best Mom Ever and she wasn’t my mom.”

“And Raven comes in and you just love her. Love her so there is no awkwardness. And there must have been something wrong with me… So how the fuck am I suppose to write a fucking speech when am clearly not the one that people want. I am not what I am supposed to be…”

Abby was trying to stop the girl but she just turned her pace back down the other way. Clearly not ready to be touched or consoled.

Truthfully, Abby stopped listened to her because she was trying to plan out what she would say. She realized that she shouldn’t have started this conversation until she talked with Clarke and planned a little more.

“Are you even listening to me?”

Abby’s eyes shot up and saw the girl was standing too close to the door for her not to have been listening. Because now if she tells her she wasn’t listening, Octavia could be out the door before she could even get off the bed.

“O,” but she was turning, “You are the perfect person to give the speech, because your have some many lessons to teach the privileged. And I don’t love Raven more than you. But being with you means I have to remember almost poison a child, or ruining her first Christmas, or being so utterly cruel that I taught her to be hesitant of new people to the point that I watch you do to Alexi and Tris exactly what I did to you.”

**~Lexa~**

Clarke was mimicking their position, and it made Lexa remember that first night that they had to coax from the blonde, her insecurity of being honest and open about her sexual desires. Her hand reached out and traced the top of Clarke’s bended knee.

“Lexa, I’m sorry.”

They felt their eyebrow raise in confusion, and Clarke’s eyes were lost in their own world as she stared just past them. Lexa knew the look but was not use to seeing Clarke with it. They learned then that this must have been where Octavia had learned to look away when she was going to say something hard about her feelings and couldn’t bear to see the disappointment that the other person will give her.

“I am so scared that one day you will wake up and wonder why you settled for me,” Clarke began. She was going to continue but Lexa cut her off, not even pausing to think about the words before they came out.

“If any one settled, it was you, Prisa. You are amazing, smart, talented, and so beautiful.”

Clarke’s gaze fell down, and Lexa could see her eyes gazing down at her post-Levi form. They knew she was insecure about her current form, and they didn’t know how to help her know that she was beautiful.

“Klark,” but she stopped them there.

Clarke stopped them, with a soft kiss that was wet from mocos and tears that had begun to fall softly. Her hands tracing their cheeks. It wasn’t a lustful kiss. Just something breathtakingly beautiful as she loved them.

“I love you, Lexa. And I know…” another kiss, “I know that I love you more than the world.” Once more she pressed her lips to theirs.

“I know I hurt you when I doubt myself and I am going to work on it. Because you are a goddess and sometimes standing next to you I don’t know how you could love me but I know you do. So I’m going to stop freaking out.”

Lexa’s lips pressed to hers again, pulling the woman in their lap so that she was straddling their lap. Fingers grazed over her scar, they whispered, “This is just another part of your beauty, Clarke. The part that makes you not only a mother but the mother of my child. When I see it I see how much more of you is mine.”

Their tears fell with hers, as she pressed her breasts to them and engulfed their lips in a sloppy kiss. Body’s warming each other against the cool air that filtered into the room from the over head air conditioning ducts. Lexa’s hands founding the round cheeks and tugged her even closer.

“I love you, Lexa.”

Lexa felt the weight of worry lifting from them. Pulled from their being with each kiss. Their concern of being inadequate at making the woman in their arms happy. The way her body completed their own, as they pressed against each other in skin on skin connection.

Lexa breathed as their kiss broke, and they felt Clarke’s own hot breath rolling over their face and chest. “You are the only one I want Clarke. No one else. Just you.”

“You are all I want and need, Lexi.”

Their lips kissed away the tear stains, and fingers danced up her back.  Caressing her skin, their skin for she was apart of them. Her body theirs, and theirs hers.

“I will never stop loving you.”

**~Octavia~**

There was on question that Abby had been right. That Octavia had treated the two younger girls with the same level of distrust that she had received.

“You mimic those around you, O. You learn so fast and try so hard to be the people you see. Just like Tris does, and just like Alexi does,” Abby says as she approaches.

Octavia knows she wants to hold her, and she wanted to be held. But she couldn’t yet. She couldn’t shake the feeling of worthlessness. That she had proven to be exactly how Abby had read her on that cold porch.

“O, I was wrong. I was so wrong about you, baby, and it’s not that I love Raven more,” the woman confessed. Stopping just within Octavia’s space. “I love you so much, but I was scared. I was scared to be close to you and hurting you more.”

Octavia’s eyes found the grandmother’s searching for understanding, but only seeing regret. Regret etched into the woman’s face from years of mistreatment.

Abby didn’t move any closer, just stood there, and explained, “I thought that I had no right. No right to try and be the grandmother to you after… after I was so cruel.”

Her head was shaking, and she pressed her back to the door. The dense wood supporting her body as she slid downward. Slip until her ass hit the thinly carpeted floor. Knees to her chest, and arms wrapped tightly around them.

Abby followed her to the ground. Crossing her legs and sitting just close enough but still too far for comfort.

Her words choked and stuttered, “I… I almost killed you… and I don’t deserve the forgiveness you gave me.”

She closed her eyes because the rom was tilting uncontrollably. Tilting as though the room was about to spin and cast them all into a vortex that would carry them to another dimension. Her arms released and she fell into Abby’s lap as she tried to ground herself. Because even though she was hurting, she wanted nothing more than to stay here in this moment with the woman.

Fingers parted her hair and pressed softly to her scalp, a soothing motion that Clarke always used when she was scared or hurting. She must have learned it from Abby, Octavia realized. The room seeming to balance itself as she relaxed into Abby’s warmth.

“I love you, Octavia. And you were always so polite. So kind. But I only go tot know you when I came here. I got to see the girl that was so much like my daughter, I became even more scared that you would never forgive me,” she explained.

Octavia snorted back her snot, and said, “I just want you to love me.”

“I do baby. I love you as much as I love Raven and Levi. As much that one day I will love Tris. You’re my first grandbaby, Octavia.”

Octavia looked up from where her head had found a place on Abby’s chest. Looked up with glistening clear eyes, and asked, “Can we have you and me days. Or like lunch. I know you have sleep overs with Raven. Can we have lunch dates or something?”

Abby nodded then. Pressing a kiss to her head, as her eyes closed again. Because Abby had told her that she loved her. Told her that she was her granddaughter, and that she loved her as much as Raven.

“Tell your friends how to not only survive, Octavia, but how to live and love in spite of other’s stupidity,” Abby stated, her fingers running over her scalp. “You are most versed in the lessons that these young people will need.”

There moment ended, with a sharp slap hit Octavia’s ass by the door, sending her toppling over Abby and on top of the much smaller woman.  Finding her breasts her pressing Abby’s head to the ground and legs pressed into the woman’s core.

A soft laugh burst into the room, as Raven and Tris stood in the now partially opened the door. Raven’s face was sheer amusement, as Octavia rolled off of Abby.

“I apparently no longer am the only one that tried to hump the good doctor, now am I?” and Raven’s laughter was even heartier as she attempted to crutch herself over Octavia. But the teen was having nothing of it. Pulling Raven down to her own harsh hit against the floor and with Octavia’s body.

The fall of her sister took away Octavia’s air as Raven’s elbow found her gut. “Umph!” she let out with a gasp of breath. “Why are you so heavy,” she groaned, pushing Raven off of her.

Looking up she saw Tris standing still in the doorway, clearly unsure of what she was supposed to do. Octavia pushed up to a seated position and curled her index finger at the girl. Beckoning her closer. Tris shook her head though. The defiance she only ever showed Octavia. The little piece of herself that she refused to surrender to the older girl.

And Octavia loved it about her. So she pushed dup from her ass and tackled the girl into the hallway. Tackled the small teen to the ground, only to within moments find the girl’s sides with her dancing fingers, pulling squeals of laughter from her lungs.

“You chose this torture,” Octavia stated, but her back arched and finger stilled as a separate set of fingers found her ribs. Her muscles twisted and jerked to avoid the stealthy attack that could be delivered by none other than the surgeon hidden behind her. But then Tris’ hands also found her sides, and the girl enacted her own sweet revenge.

Security ended up breaking up the tickle fight into the resort hallway. The noise of shrieked laugher from torturous fingers apparently disturbed the neighbors. With red faces and heaving breathes, the doctor and granddaughters returned within the room to ready themselves for the fancy dinner that had promised to be free of requests for birth control pills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This ended up being much longer, but i saved some for later. Sorry it wasn't smut, but that's not what was needed for the characters at the moment.


	41. ... and be confident in your ability to love and be loved...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> DO NOT READ ANYWHERE WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
> 
> 11 pages of porn.

**~Lexa~**

The couple enjoyed several hours of soft and reassuring intimacy the night before. There was no more laughter, just knuckle deep thrusting and confessions of adoration and love. They had bared their bodies and souls to one another, reconnecting the gentleness of their relationship with clits caressing each other and soft kisses.

When the light filtered through the parted blinds, Lexa woke. Their arm was tingling under Clarke’s head. They struggled to wiggle free, as Clarke tightened her grip around them. They smiled into the kiss they pressed to her head.

Whispering  into her ear, they begged, “Please, Prisa, I need relief.”

Clarke wiggled into them more, her arm dropped slightly just over their hips. Lexa didn’t think she was capable of such cruelty while under the influences of partial sleep. But they underestimated her. Her arm subtly at first applied pressure to the area just above their cunt. The pressure was torturous though, and they struggled to free themselves from her steady increasing pressure.

Rolling quickly from the bed and thumping to the floor, they hopped up. Looking back at the bed, they could see the blonde twisting back up into the blankets and sheets. They could also see their wife with a devious smile plastered across her face.

“You are evil, Prisa,” Lexa stated, their face contorting into a playful scowl as they moved into the bathroom.

They were resting on toilet, when Clarke came hopping into the room. Her potty dance was far cuter than Lexa could ever imagine as she danced from foot to foot. Lexa was done but decided that pay back was a bitch, so they didn’t move.

Clarke’s face was turning red and she squatted down. For a second Lexa feared she may pee herself, but the blonde just pouted. Her lip jutted out just enough and from her lower position, the puppy dog eyes were too soft and sweet.

“Please, Commander. I need to pee,” she requested.

Lexa shook their head, “Nope. My time.”

The sweet eyes turned menacing in just a second, and the woman was up and turned so her ass was making it’s way towards them. And Lexa realized that she was going to sit on them. She was going to sit on them and pee, and that was just uncalled for.

“No!” they commanded with their hands out stopping Clarke in mid air. “You will not!”

“Then let me have the toilet, Lexa,” and her cute ass was shaking in their face. They took one hand from her back, the uncasted hand, and swatted her across the pale cheeks.

Clarke squeaked as she shot forward, turning back towards them. Her shoulders were back and her face hard.

“You do not get to spank me just because you feel like it!” she growled.

Lexa smiled, “You called me Commander, and you said when you call me Commander that I am the boss, Prisa.”

They watched as Clarke’s chest rose with the complete filling of her lungs and then the air huffed outward. “Well then Lexa, since I am now calling you by your name then that means I am the boss so get your ass off the fucking toilet now!” The blonde went as far to point to the floor off in front of the sink.

Lexa tilted their head and contemplated their next move. They could sit here for longer, but really that was only piss the woman off, and lessen their chance of getting to be the commander for the rest of the weekend.

So the moved from the toilet and just cast a simple, “As you wish your highness,” on their way out of the room.

They heard Clarke’s ass hit the toilet and the sound of her immediate relief. Smiling, they pulled on their briefs with built in O-ring. Adding a more flexible dong, they then pulled on a pair of baggier jeans, and a tight green t-shirt. Clarke came out of the bathroom already dressed in a pair of skinny jeans and red tank.

“Starbucks?” Lexa asked, knowing that was exactly where Clarke would want to go.

The blonde nodded, and then stated, “Yes, but I want my Levi first.”

Lexa’s heart warmed. It was something that they had worried about since Clarke first feel into her depression. Worried that the blonde would not fully bond with the infant, but here she was. Wanting nothing more than to see their child on their weekend without kids.

“Of course, Prisa.”

**~Clarke~**

The morning was pleasant, as Lexa sat at the patio table with Clarke. Levi wrapped to Clarke’s chest, both enjoying their milky morning beverage. Lexa was reading through the morning paper, while Clarke was scrolling through her phone. Finding something she liked, she held the phone up to Lexa.

Their eyes widened, and she explained, “I want to try this one today.”

Lexa took the phone and scrolled downward reading the instructions. It was a promising activity and new that was for sure. “Pick a few others as well, in case that doesn’t work out,” they request and return to reading the last information regarding stalks. Looking up, they asked, “Clarke, what investments have you made?”

The blonde snorted momentarily and held up her cup, clinking the ice cubes together in the plastic cup. Her smile was broad, as she explained, “This is why I don’t feel bad spending so much money here, because really I make it back at the end of the year.”

Clarke could see the pieces falling into place for Lexa and they nodded. Looking back down they asked, “Is this the only place?”

“No, Ford was really cheap when the market fell so I purchased 100 shares for $2 a share. It’s worth $14 a share. But Starbucks is the company that has made us the most money,” she explained.

“Us?”

Clarke looked over to where Lexa was looking at her hopefully. Even though they had married and shared an account, Lexa still very much though of money on a hers-theirs basis. Clarke hated it, so this was the first step to breaking it down, “Yes, Lex, _us. Ours._ However you want to see it. We are married, what’s mine is yours and yours is mine.”

Lexa swallowed, “But you have so much more.”

Clarke’s brows scrunched and Lexa could see the wrinkled deepening in her forehead. Her eyes were hard, as she restated, “It’s ours. I don’t have more since it is yours and mine. This is not a difficult concept, Lexa.” Lexa didn’t respond. Clarke could tell that it was still bugging them, but at least they dropped it.

Clarke continued examining various positions for Lexa to take her in. Many they had already tried but she had found this website discussing various positions that Clarke would never consider on her own. Finding two more, she smiled and handed the phone to Lexa.

They took it, folding their paper up and placing it on the table. At the second image, they look up with a grin. The tension of the money conversation faded as Lexa tilted the screen. “Coffee table,” Lexa stated, and nodded in approval. “Can we start with this one?”

“Yeah, that one looks very… visual,” she answered.

Lexa flipped back to the other two images Clarke had screen shotted, examining them. Their face was slightly flushed, and Clarke could tell that Lexa was picturing her under their complete control in the positions.

Clarke was ready to give up her control for the rest of the afternoon, and was happy that a year prior, Lexa had made it a point to sit with her and open up the conversations of wants and desires. It made moments like these easier, when she wanted to share with them her desire for a change or to try out a new position.

Lexa held up the third image, and stated quietly, “We can try out the double o harness for this one if you want double penetration. The angle already is promising, but we haven’t used that one in awhile.”

Clarke leaned her head back and stared at the clear blue sky. Nodding, she smiled back to them, “Yeah, let’s do it.”

**~Lexa~**

Once home, Lexa was wet and too aroused to wait for the bedroom. They had been playing over and over in their head the images that Clarke had shown them that she wished to try. The idea of having the woman spread on them was overwhelming and they couldn’t wait any longer.

Once the door was closed, Lexa pressed Clarke to the door and connected their lips to their wife’s pulse point. Pulling at the button of her jeans to get her pants off.

“Eager, Lexi,” the blonde hummed, as her fingers worked against their scalp. With the button unfastened, they were pushing her pants down, and heading down to her cunt. They found her ready for them, as they dipped two fingers deep into her, and pushed her up against the door.

Their lips rose to her ear lobe, as she found a rhythm with their thrusts and her pants grew into steady moans of pleasure.

“Fuck, Lexxx,” she breathed against their neck before sinking her teeth into the edge of where their neck and shoulder met.

Licking along her lope, they broke only to husk out, “Let me be Commander now Prisa,” another swipe of their tongue, “Please.”

Clarke ran her tongue over the bite mark, and begged, “Fuck me, Commander.”

Lexa added another finger and increased the speed.

“Fuck, Commander… Yes!”

Their thumb worked in a harsh circle over Clarke’s unhooded clit. Removing one finger, they used their wifes arousal to ease into both of her areas and punished her cunt with a ruthless pace. Her slick walls clamping around them, sucking them in deeper as her thrusts downward became more frantic.

The used their thigh to brace their hand and help fuck her harder.

“Yes… God, yes! Commander… Fuck me!” Clarke screamed.

And they did.

Pressing deeper.

Hooking their fingers.

Finding her spot, rubbing.

Only to pull back out.

Just to the edge.

Then thrusting again.

Pushing her to the door.

 Scissoring her open.

Her moans wild.

Slamming her back.

Sucking her covered nip.

Drinking in all of her.

Then bring down.

Only pushing deeper.

As she rose, coiling wildly.

Her moans growing.

Begs for faster.

Climaxing at the push.

Muscles clamping around.

Their fingers locked in.

But they pull

Only to push her again.

Her body jerking erratically.

Screaming in pleasure.

Fulfilling bliss.

When her body ceased contracting, Clarke rested her weight against them. They supported her, and stepped on her pants to pull them from her legs. Once she was free from the garment, They pulled her legs up and she wrapped her arms around their necks.

“I love you, Commander.”

Their fingers of one arm ran over her back as their other supported bare ass. “I love you, Prisa. You are so good to me.”

Clarke chuckled as they made their way to the living room. Setting her down on the coffee table. They kneeled before her. “Commander, you just pleasured me and you’re saying I am good to you. I haven’t even touched you yet!”

Lexa shook their head, and said, “No, Prisa. I will not allow it at this time.”

Clarke started to pout and argue, “But-“ but before she could even get her words out, Lexa pulled her to her feet and had her bent over their lap. They landed the first swat across her still sensitive slit.

“I said this is my time, Klark,” and they struck her again.

“Yes, Commander,” she moaned out and Lexa knew that she was enjoying her punishment for insubordination. Her legs spread and ass tilted so their next smack would potentially strike her throbbing clit.

Not wanting to spoil her, Lexa landed another hit to her left cheek. The pale flesh pooled red immediately and they knew it was leave a beautiful reminder that they were there later.

“Now Klarke,” they said, hitting the other side of their wife. Her still partially clothed form spread across their lap made them feel powerful. The way she was surrender her body to them. “Are you going to be a good girl, or should I get my crop.”

Another smack landed in almost the same place as the one prior. The blonde attempted to move, but they placed their arm just over her shoulder blades to hold her in place.

Their arm raised to strike her again, but the blonde begged, “Commander, I’ll be a good girl if you please just… over my pussy please.”

Lexa’s hand landed against her right cheek this time, and they growled, “This is not a negotiation, Klark.” Another hit to the lower region of her cheek.

“I’m sorry, Commander,” the blonde pleaded, “I’ll be a good girl. I will I promise to be good.”

Their hand massaged her now red cheeks, dipping down to find Clarke’s arousal seeping from her pulsing cunt. As they rubbed their finger pads against the drenched labia, the woman tried to arch her back, but they pressed her back against them.

“No,” they said and pinched her wanting clit. “This is my play time. You must stay still.” They twisted the nub slightly, and the blonde tensed in their lap. When she was motionless they pulled back and landed several sharp slaps to the woman’s clit, causing her to cry out as the pain twisted into gratification and her body shook in another orgasm.

Clarke’s desires had always fascinated them. The way her body embraced what they would find painful and transform it into pleasure.

When she stilled, her breathing heaving they knew they had taken her exactly where she had wanted to go.

They soothed her ass cheeks with massaging pressure, before pulling her into their arms and held her. Her face buried to their chest, and they kissed each of her little fingers. “You are such a good girl, Prisa. I love you so much.”

With a heavy breath, Clarke answered, “I love you, Commander… thank you.”

 

Lexa lifted her back onto the coffee table so she could sit on her still sore ass. They watched her wince in pain, abut she was nodding to them that she was okay so they stood before her.

Without looking down, Lexa took their best god-like stance and stated, “Undress me now, Klark.”

She didn’t have to be told twice. Her hands were at their pants, but Lexa was shaking their head. “Your mouth.”

Clarke swallowed and nodded obediently. Placed her lips around the top of their jeans, she pulled it to their left and then out. The button popped opened immediately. Tongue the metal tab, she fixed in her teeth and pulled the zipper down painfully slow. Lexa enjoyed it though. The way she would cater to their demands. Tugging at the hips of the boyfriend jeans, Clarke successfully dropped their pants, only for their dick to pop up in an erect position just within her mouth’s reach.

Looking up, her eyes begged them, and they nodded, commanding her, “Get it wet.”

Clarke smiled as her tongue traced over the head , before she took it in her lips. While she sucked, she helped them step from their pants. Her mouth worked at the toy as she pressed the based into their sex, so they would get pleasure from the fake blow job.

They quickly pulled to shirt from their top, as Clarke drenched their dick, taking it deep down her throat. When she pulled back, they stopped her from dipping back down. She pouted some, but released the dick without a word.

They kneeled before her again and ran their hands at the edge of her tank top. The red material soaked from their mouth and her leaking breasts. They pulled the top up and over her head. They smelled the material deeply. Embracing her musky sweat and sweet perfume.

“I could bath in your scent, Prisa, and never get enough,” they whispered, and felt Clarke’s fingers graze over their bare shoulders.

Lexa relaxed into her touch, and pressed their lips to hers. When her lips parted, they dominated the kiss, their tongue caressing over hers, before licking along the top of her mouth.

Pushing herself forward, they pressed their dick against her sex, and slipped easily within her. Her cunt well prepared to take their cock. Wrapping her legs around them, they shifted position with her in their arms. Scooting up on the table, they straddled it. The cool wood pressing against their ass, they laid her back on the table.

Breaking from their kiss, Lexa sat up and rolled their hips into the blonde. Her head leaned back and her arms found their calves. Raising her legs to their shoulders, they began to roll against her. She held herself in place, so with each roll, the dick pressed back against them. Their clit throbbed and they couldn’t help but increase their pace and pressure, feeling their own white heat building within.

With each thrust, the beautiful full breasts bounced. The sight was as erotic as the pressure on their sex, so they pressed deeper into her. Her lips opened in an O as they spread her.

Tearing their eyes from her bouncing breasts, they traced her pale flesh down to where they can see their vibrant blue cock pushing into her. Her clit red and swollen. They swore they could see the nerve bundle throbbing.

Begging just like the blonde was.

“Oh god.”

Their fingers traced down her thigh, and their thumb found her clit. Rubbing circles over the hot flesh, they felt her heart beating in the nub. Rubbing more eagerly, Lexa was rapidly enclosing on their edge.

Clarke’s moans were pulling them there faster.

Each huff of air.

“Thank you Commander.”

Each breath of begging and pleads.

“You’re are so fucking amazing. Please more.”

Took them close to a taunting edge.

“Fuck me. Yes… Fuck me.”

So they rolled into her and rubbed.

“God, I was made for you to fuck me, Lek-sa.”

Bringing to like the vigorous hum.

“Oh.. God… Oh… Oh… Yes!”

Her screams echoed through them.

“Don’t stop… Please commander! Don’t stop.”

They pushed in, waves of pleasure.

“Yes! Yes!... FUcckk Me! Yes!:

Just a few more thrusts to tip them.

“Please… Commander… Please I need to cum.”

Reaching forward to twist her nipple.

“Oh god… please… I can’t…”

The edge so close, and they wanted it.

“Fuck, Klark… Fuck… Come with me baby. Now.”

Ripples of pleasure over taking bodies.

“Oh god, Commander. Yes!”

Contracting muscles.

Lexa bucked into Clarke’s cunt as the woman arched her back an pressed harder onto them. Each riding out their orgasm with the other’s unknowing help. Breaths heaving deeply, until the vibration became too much, and Lexa flipped it off.

They didn’t pull their dick from her, watching instead as her opening fluttered around the toy that had her still spread wide.

Clarke’s eyes opened finding Lexa’s gaze locked on her. Their fingers ran over her body, and she sighed at how careful they always were after they fucked her. Their fingers caressing her goosbumping skin.

“You are amazing,” they whispered even though no one was there to worry over hearing. Not like the blonde had not just been screaming at the top of her lungs.

Clarke’s hand found theirs and she softly said, “Thank you, Commander. Thank you for always making me for amazing.”

Lexa smiled. Carefully they pulled back, their dick making a subtle pop as Clarke’s muscle released them. Her cum connecting them with a thin wet stream from the tip of their cock to her puckered entrance.

Lexa pulled back, and found themselves on their knees again. Roughly, they pulled Clarke down to the edge of the table, and buried their face in her socked folds. Cleaning her entrance, with lapping lips. Indulging on the sweet and tangy taste of Clarke, as her cum coated their tongue. Pressing their muscle within her worked entrance and licking her walls clean.

Her hands finding their hair and pressing them into her. Unable to get enough of their tongue working her back up to a frenzy. Her hips bucking against them. They shook their head, when they felt her grinding against their face, just to add more stimulation to her clit as they continued to tongue fuck her.

 _This is heaven. This is the place that people prey to go when they die_. But Lexa didn’t have a prayer for anything but Clarke. A prayer that she would give them more. Give them another drink of her essence.

And she did.

She thrashed against their face.

Legs clamped.

Providing them another drink.

 And they did.

**~Clarke~**

Together they showered, rinsing under the water together as Clarke kissed every inch of Lexa’s muscled form. Lexa took advantage of her wanton kisses, and pressed her face between their thighs and the water ran over her back.

Their back against the cold tile wall, but uncaring. Uncaring because they were moaning for her.

Moaning her name as she sunk a digit deep into their cunt and swirled it. Swirled it within, massaging against the smother cervix before hooking the finger forward against the smooth silky flesh that pull out a gasp.

They fingers tightened in her hair, and she hummed in pleasure at their cries.

“Klark. Cogeme!”

Her lips wrapped around the exposed bud, and sucked it into her warm lips. The heat of Lexa’s clit was pulsing, and she felt Lexa’s slick coating her fingers.

“Por favor! Klark, mierda!”

She loved commander in latin mode. The way they screamed for her to do things that she didn’t understand. The emotions running through her, as she pleasured the person that chose her. That loved her for being her.

So she showed them how much she loved them.

Running her tongue over the now even more swollen clit, gently this time. Drawing out Lexa’s pleasure so that they could effectively torture her.

Their body trashing against the wall as she spread them open with another digit. Another digit that she paused for a moment as their beautifully tight walls adjusted and conformed.

Hooking them within against, doubling the pleasure of caresses. Dancing her fingers against the G-spot and feeling their hips go wild against her face.

Their palm pressing her head into them deeper, as their resolve broke and Lexa’s orgasm flooded over her fingers. She thrust within a few more times, as they rode their high against her.

Lexa pulled her up to their lips, and shared their orgasm in a deep kiss. Licking the inside of her mouth. Loving the way that Clarke tasted of them.

Reaching behind her, Lexa shut off the water, and pulled her from the shower. Their hands were rough and calloused from years of weight training and they pulled their wife from the shower and into the bedroom, tossing her wet body onto the bed.

Moving to the night stand, they pulled out the harness with the two slim dicks attacked.

Clarke watched expectantly. Just the sight of her partner pulling on the toy, made her pussy flutter and the heat rise in her chest. She knew they were going to fuck her with that and it threatened to send her over the edge with just the old air prickling her still wet nipples, sending goose bumps over the flushed flesh.

They didn’t give any instructions as they crawled on the bed, just pushed and pulled her body until she was face down in the comforter, and her ass was on perfect display to them.

The silence was menacing, and it built the suspense until Clarke found herself holding her breath, hoping for Lexa to lose control; the animalistic Commander that would use her to pleasure themself was rare, but when they came out Clarke would tumble into a blissful state of sub space that would leave her in a pleasure dome of Christian sin.

Then the touch.

She jerked slightly, as their warm finger traced over her ass flesh. Clarke could tell they were tracing the marks they had given her earlier, and it was okay, because it would cause her to suck in more air than her lungs could hold and she would hold it. Then gasped.

Her hips thrusting downward, rutting against the mattress, as they traced her marks silently. So silently if they weren’t touching her, she would question if they were even there.

Each touch was building her arousal. An arousal she was certain was pooling on the bed below her.

Her body jerked again when cold liquid splashed across her spine and ass. Their hands pressing it into her skin, working at the muscles in her shoulders first. Pads of rough fingers soothed by the water based lubricants.  
Clarke’s breathes deepened as her body relaxed into their silent touches. Their kneading fingers working against each knot. Her muscles soothed and flaccid to their touch.

They worked their way down and applied pressure to the muscles in her ass. Her ass pressing up into their grasp. The supple flesh meeting the wanting hands. Until they moved down her right thigh.

Then back up, ghosting a caress over her pussy, before making their way down her left thigh. Pressing the tension of carrying the weight of a house, an infant, and three teenage daughters away. Making her lose focus as she considered the beuty of her life with Lexa. A life incomplete without them.

But the hand made their way back up again, and they made their way straight the apex of her sex where they massaged the two shallow pits of were her thighs met her cunt, pressing in and kneading at the flesh, while Clarke was holding her breathe to ssay ing thie moment forever with Lexa’s hands relaxing her, while her back arched and her toes tightened.

But then a lubed finger slipped between her folds and then two. Two fingers rubbing against her clit from behind. Her face buried in the comforter as she gasp for her. But then a thumb was pressing against her ass. Against the place she had been so scared to ask for pleasure from.

But Lexa was perfect and Lexa would do anything to make her scream their name, and then she remembered what Lexa was wearing and how Lexa was planning to fuck her.

And she moaned into the comforter again as they pressed their thumb into her. Working her open, to take the flexible dual dicks. Their thumb working her ass as she humped the bed.

Crying out when they pulled back.

Pouting at the emptiness.

But then Lexa was there. Lexa’s hand was pulling her hips up, and pushing the wedge beneath her. Once it was positioned, they ran their hand over her spine, and pressed the first dick within her. Pressed within, and let her walls adjust.

Clarke felt the other dick rubbing through her ass crack as they slowly built her up. Working her over, with heaving breathes. She could tell they were struggling to hold their composure, and it drove her wild. Knowing that once they were in her, they would lose their ability to hold back and fuck her mercilessly.

As they gathered a rhythm, Clarke felt Lexa pull back and then the pressure as the head of the second dick probed as her second entrance.

Lexa’s voice broke the silence then, as they husked out, “Take a deep breath, Prisa,” and she did. Inhaling deeply, her body falling into the bed and comforter as Lexa applied more pressure, spreading her over their dick that entered her softly and gently; filling her with them so completely that as they bottomed out her breathe escaped.

Lexa’s fingers worked over her body in feather like touches and her body adjusted to the filling. Adjusted to Lexa’s dicks buried within her so completely. She hadn’t realized their was speaking at first.

“Klarke,” they said again.

She thought she had answered, but her mind was lost in being theirs. Being comepletely theirs.

“Klark, I need your words, Prisa. I need to know you’re with me,” Lexa said again. The careful tone of checking on her. Making sure she had not slipped into sub space and unable to tell them when something was too much.

“Green, Commander,” she finally said. “Red stop. Yellow slow… Green please.” And she pressed back against them. Rolling her hips as they pulled back only and few inches and then pushed back in.

Her body followed their motions.

As they pushed her forward.

She felt the stretched tingles upward.

Felt herself rise as they filled her body completely.

Their arms resting on either side of her wanting begging body.

And when her hips hit hers, they pulled back slowly.

So slowly that Clarke would follow them.

Not wanting to give them up.

But she wouldn’t have to, as they moved.

The pressed within her sending her back to the bed.

Her face hitting the mattress. Each thrust taking her further up.

Only to bring her back down, causing her to yearn.

Beg for them to press within her again.

Craving Lexa to fuck her deep.

So she does beg. Beg with pants of need.

“Fuck, Commander. More….” But more wasn't right.

No… she wanted faster… so she begged, “Faster… Commander!”

And they thrust in more. Thrusting into her orifices.

Making her body their personal fuck toy.

And she loved every second.

Even when they pulled the wedge out.

Pushing her body to the bed and straddled one leg.

Hitting her at a different angle, and rolling their hips against her.

Dancing a grinding motion into her, causing moans.

Pleasure calls, as they bit into in her.

Her scream fueled in bliss.

Clarke’s walls  fluttering as the dick,

Pressed into her g-spot. Screaming in gratification.

Lexa indulging her wanting body so completely with each rise.

But then pulling back from her, and making her cry.

And she would cry out for them again.

“Commander… Yes, fuck me.”

They would press her up, spreading.

Her body heaving, as they licked her ear, “Mine.”

 _Yes, all yours Lek-sa. Yours so completely. Completely, “_ Yours.”

And with that confession, Lexa pounded harder.

Taking her deeper, panting in her ear.

“All mine. Every piece of you.”

The heat rising and tightening within.

Heat that spread as a forest fire in dry flowers.

Burning her within, so she knew it was almost time to plead.

“Please… I need to… to cum… Please, Commander.”

But they didn’t say yes, and she needed.

Needed permission from them.

“Commander,” and her body hit the bed.

Each thrust more frantic, and threatening to burst.

“I need-“ “Not yet,” they say. Denying her threatening orgasm.

“Please,” she begged again, but their weight gone.

A burst of pain against her ass.

“I said not yet,” and they hammered into her.

Clarke felt she may combust, her beautiful ridge too close.

And they pressed deeply within, rolling again.

But she felt them losing control.

The feeling of their fingers gripping into hips.

Their thrusts deeper and pushing her towards the precipice.

She fought though, fought for their dual climax.

“Klark,” they commanded, “Now.”

Hearing their words, her body reacted wildly.

Thrashing muscles contracted at their own will, her vision

Blurred as they pulled back only to drive back.

Their own climax controlling them.

And they fell together.

Fell to the side.

Still hilted.

Stilled. 

Until their breathing evened out into soft pants. Clarke feeling Lexa’s hands wrapped around her waist and tired kisses pressed to her shoulders. Them trying to sooth her without succumbing to their own exhaustion. Their sweaty bodies chilled in the air.

Pulling out is never pleasant, but Lexa did so as careful as possible. Pulling out and leaving Clarke agape and with a sense of utter incompleteness. But then their hands were on her again. Their lips on her neck and a hand covering her sex. Holding her to them.

And she wasn’t alone. No she was complete. Empty but complete with Lexa’s skin pressed her back. Making it possible for her to slip into darkness.


	42. ... tell the truth and try not to hide things...

**~Raven~**

Dinner went well. So well it was eating Raven alive at how it seemed Octavia had finally worked out her issues with Abby, and now she was going to break that apart. She had decided that leaving would be good for her. She was seconding guessing it now, because Octavia was happily talking about the dorm room they were going to share for only one year, because there was no way she was living in that close proxity of grease for more than ayear.

Raven wondered if her justifying that she was doing the right thing was backwards. She had wanted to fix herself. Wanted to give Callie the chance to fix he, but wanted to work on the project that Callie had talked to her about.

But was it her path.

She was getting better with the brace, and she could build an even better one. The therapist had said she would be able to regain most of her mobility back with the progress she was making. Yeah, there would always be the brace.

So the question became: could she live with the brace?

Or could she get the surgery and everything go back to the way it was and she didn’t need to give up Octavia’s dreams and the dreams that she had built with her sister.

Abby kept looking at her, and Raven swore her grandmother was begging her not to tell Octavia yet. But time was running out. The plans were made and she would be leaving after graduation.

Her and Abby would go back to the house that Clarke grew up in. The house that even though Abby had walked away from it was currently vacating its renters so they could return. Return to Abby’s boyfriend and life in Seattle. The life that no one but her knew how much Abby really missed.

She struggled through her meal even though the food was delicious. After a year, Abby knew how to order for them because truthfully both girls were still uncomfortable with the overpriced menu that the resort offered.

“Thank you for dinner, Dr. Griffin,” Tris said as she wiped her mouth clean. Raven rolled her eyes. Even she wasn’t this formal with Abby when she met her as the Ice Queen.

Abby reached over then and took the girl’s hand. Her eyes were soft, like wam chocolate. The way a grandmother should be, and her voice reaffirmed the title when she told the girl, “Gram, Grandma… just not Granny please.”

Raven watched as Tris studied Abby. Biting her lip the way she always did when she wasn’t sure how to say what is about to come out. Trying her words out over and over in her head.

“I’ve never had a grandmother before,” she confessed.

Raven and Octavia said together then, “Me either.” They laughed together then, both calling out “Jinx!”

Octavia’s smile was so bright. Brighter than it had been since the accident. But Raven couldn’t match it, and that was when her sister’s eyes dimmed some. Dimmed because she knew something was off.

And Octavia didn’t sit on these things, so she said, “Okay, spill it.”

Her eyes were locked on Raven but they shifted to Abby when the woman shook her head subtly, just not subtly enough. And now Octavia knew that whatever was being kept from her was being kept by them both.

“O,” Raven started, but she didn’t know how to continue. Couldn’t continue because what if she had changed her mind.

Octavia shook her head though, looking down at her plate. Raven knew her well enough to see she was going to that place that she would diminish herself into a sobbing ball of childhood pain. All the work that had been done by Lexa, Clarke, and Abby to make her whole, make her see her value was crumbling because of a secret she had made.

“Fine,” the teen says then, and started to push up from the table. But Raven shoots her hand out and she is holding onto her sister. Or what is left.

Carefully she starts to explain, “O, I have to talk with you about something, but I need to you understand that I made this decision not to hurt you.”

Octavia refused to meet her eye, but she returned to her seat.

Raven couldn’t bring herself to let go, wanting to keep Octavia close. And that made her decision.

“I should have spoken with you because I know something now that I didn’t when I started thinking about it.”

Octavia just stared at the half piece of cheesecake sitting in front of her. Raven licked her lips and felt her eyes well as she started to explain the whole story.

“I felt broken after the accident. Like worse than anything that Finn or my mother could ever do to me. I was a runner, not like you and Nontu, but when shit got hard I could escape.”

She paused and looked at Tris, because this all started when Tris came. And she knew that was she needed to say would hurt the other girl. But it was part of the story.

“That night we brought Tris home and we knew she was lying. I was scared,” turning to Tris, she adds, “I know now that I was ridiculous for being afraid, but you were lying and no one knew what you were capable of.”

Tris nodded that she understood, but Raven could still see the pain.

“You had Lincoln that night, “ Raven continued then. “You had Lincoln and Bell had his drugs, and Gram was all I had and I couldn’t run. I couldn't even walk. I was alone and I was scared, so I made a choice that night.”

Taking a deep breath, Raven continued, “I asked Gram for Callie’s number and I we talked about the surgery. And she told me… she told me about this project that she was working on with veterans to give them artificial limps that work with the neurons in their brain and they were mechanical and I wanted to be apart of it.”

“So you’re leaving me.” It was as simple as that to Octavia. Not that this was good for Raven, just that Octavia would think she was being abandoned.

Raven shook her head then, and Abby looked seriously confused. Waving at Abby, Raven explained, “I thought it was where I needed to be, and I didn’t want to tell you so you wouldn’t give up your dream of playing in college. But I realized that I can’t do this next set without you. I realized that I’m not scared anymore, because I am not broken.”

Octavia looked at her then. Her eyes were confused, but there was a glimmer of hope there. A glimmer that made Raven smile at her sister and squeeze her hands a little. “Yeah, sis. I can’t leave because my dreams are not to make mechanical legs. My dreams are to build shit that blows up and to spend time with my family and I can’t do that in Seattle.”

Turning to Abby, she said, “I really just figured that out. Here. The magic of Granny-Granddaughter weekend, I guess. But Gram we have to be here. Our life is not in Seattle.”

Abby looks her over hesitantly, and Raven hopes she is not to sad. Hopes that she can see that she was making the decision for her.

“There comes a time where we have to decide what is most important and Gram, being here with my family that I spent 18 years looking for is more important that working on artificial limbs.”

“Yeah, Ray. It is,” Abby said.

Octavia’s eyes turned to Abby then though, and Raven didn’t know about the promises. “Why did you promise weekly lunches if you were leaving?”

Abby bit her lip, and she confessed, “I thought when Raven and I made this decision that we were doing the right thing. But then I met Levi,” and she turned to Tris, “and you.” She looked back to Raven, “and I hoped you would change your mind.”

Raven threw her hands up, “Seriously, you should have told me that!”

“Wait so like you seriously promised me lunches that hinged on whether Raven decided to go or not? Have you met her? Like the most stubborn person on the planet.”

Abby held up her hand up to the girl, to stop her. Then carefully, she stated, “Yes, Raven is stubborn. But I know that no one loves a sister as much as she loves you and something told me that she wouldn’t be leaving you, Disney.”

**~Tris~**

After dinner became awkward to say the least. She was unaccustomed to all of the lovey gushy talk. People didn’t talk like this in foster care, and her parents had definitely never acted like this when they were alive.

But Raven had been kind, and Tris could tell she didn’t want to admit to being scared of her. Tris didn’t like it and yeah it hurt, but there were worse things because Raven cared enough to worry about hurting her.

Her phone buzzed then.

It was dented and scratched because Lexa had told her she wasn’t getting a new one until she proved to me careful, but it was a phone and an iPhone at that. Tris had never had a phone before, but she had had this one for a week.

Looking at the screen, she saw that Monroe had text her. This had been a regular occurrence since family dinner when Monroe had seen the phone in her hand and texted herself from it.

The text read: Hey bae, hows the weekend going. O hasn’t killed you right?

Monroe was interesting. Tris knew about the past between the two friends, as much as Octavia knew about her making out with the girl to find out more about her.  But that was about it. Tris wasn’t sure how Octavia would feel about Monroe talking with her.

She ran her finger over the scratched edge. Tris wondered if this was the time to talk with Octavia about it. After all, everyone was airing their secrets. She couldn’t determine if Monroe was a secret though.

Looking over, she saw Raven and Octavia holding hands and having a thumb war, while Abby was paying the check.

Since no one was paying much mind to her, she swiped the screen and messaged Monroe back.

“It’s been a lot fo fun. I got to see the Grand Canyon today, and we had a huge tickle fight and I think she hate me less today.” She didn’t read it before she sent it. It was just a text after all.

The phone buzzed a moment later, and when she read it, she smiled.

“Can’t wait to see your cute ass in front of a huge hole.”

 _Is she calling me cute?_ Tris wanted it to be true because Monroe was the only out girl that she knew, which means that the high school dating pool was pretty small. And Tris wanted to date. She wanted to be like the older girls and have stories of kisses and sneaking out at night.

Looking up at the girls, Tris realized that they were watching her. She moved to slide her phone back in her pocket, but Raven’s eye brows were wiggling and Octavia was preparing pounce on her. So she froze.

“What?” she said with as much attitude as she could muster. Which was minimal.

Raven asked the question and Tris was left with the choice to lie or tell the truth. “Who you talking to?”

“And why are they making you smile like that? You have a girlfriend you are hiding from us?” Octavia asked.

Tris bit her lip, and the playful expression on Octavia’s face dropped. Octavia was just too smart for her own girl. “Is it?” She paused, “Please tell me its not Monroe.”

She didn’t know what to do or say. Octavia was clearly upset that it was Monroe and lying would fuck what little progress they had made, but maybe the truth would do just as much damage.

“I think she just called me cute and she is the only gay girl in school and I knew her before we were like family and I just… I don’t know,” because every excuse that came out of her mouth sounded lame.

Octavia crossed her arms over her chest and sat back in her chair just glaring at Tris. The seat became suddenly very uncomfortable and she tried to shift but Octavia’s eyes were scary when she was mad.

“You’re being ridiculous, O,” Raven said then, and Tris looked over the flush that rose in Octavia’s cheeks. _Was she angry?_

Octavia threw her napkin on the table then, and pouted, “It’s just why didn’t you tell me? And why didn’t she? Why is everyone keeping secrets from me?”

Raven had Tris’s back though again, and Tris was beginning to think that Raven would definitely be the person she went to with any and all questions. “Disney, no offense but you take shit hard. And you are tripping over your ex and Tris. Like why?”

Tris didn’t expect what came next, and it kind of threw her through a loop for a minute, “I love Moe, she’s my bestie. But I also know that while she is sweet, she’s horney and I don’t want my baby sister getting fucked by the girl I know will take her fucking virginity and then pretend she doesn’t exist.”

Everyone got quiet then. Even the tables next to them and eyes were watching them all. Abby cleared her throat, and looked at the girls, “Perhaps we can have this conversation back at the room?”

Tris wasn’t paying attention though because Octavia called her baby sister. _She cares. She’s trying to protect me._

Raven rolled her eyes though, and smacked Octavia with the back side of her hand against the arm. “You were with her. How can you say she is going to hit it and quit it?”

“She sent her off with Talia knowing that the girl would only try to get in her pants when she got her drunk enough,” Octavia said throwing her hands out palms up.

Raven looked at Tris, and she could feel the blood rushing to her face. She remembered when Monroe introduced her to Talia. She was sleazy and Monroe had just left her there, but that was then.

_Maybe she really likes me now._

Raven’s eyes were on Tris then, “What do you want, kid?”

Tris looked at Octavia that was still staring at her intently. She gulped down the food that was threating to come up. She just.. well she didn’t know.

She buried her face in her hands, and just shook her head. She wasn’t going to cry. No, she wasn’t going to cry. She was just so confused.

_What if she doesn’t really like me?_

Through her hands, she said, “It jus smelt goud that..shme licked meh.”

Raven was laughing then, and said, “It smelled gouda that Hook’s sidekick licked you? Because that’s what I just heard.” Octavia snorted at the translation, and now Tris felt ridiculous.

Her face was too red, and she looked like the awkward teen that she was. She felt like an awkward teen and she felt stupid for thinking that Monroe actually liked her.

She muttered this time without her hands, “It felt nice to think that she liked me. But I guess I was just being stupid.” She pushed back her chair and got up from the table.

Looking at Abby for permission, she asked, “Can I go to bed now please?”

Octavia was up though and giving her a hug. Hugging her, and telling her that she wasn’t stupid. “I’m just full of shit, T. She wouldn’t do that to you.”

But Tris wasn’t convinced and she was pushing back from Octavia’s hug. Once free she left the stares behind from the other tables. Left everyone behind her and she tried to find her way back to the room.

Her phone buzzed again, and when she looked at it she saw that Monroe messaged her again.

“How about we hang out when you get back. You and me?”

Tris couldn’t smile this time. Because Monroe had ditched her with Talia. Had left her there after sticking her sloppy tongue in Tris’s mouth and held her by the ass in her lap. Touched her everywhere she could without caring who she was or where she came from.

Shoving the phone back in her pocket, she walked through the hallways that all looked the same. She couldn’t remember the room number or even what floor they were on.

Looking around Tris realized she had no clue where she was or where to go, so she gave up and sank to her knees. Letting everything that had happened that day and all of the new knowledge wash through her.

But someone was sitting next to her then, and an arm was wrapped around her. Looking to the side she saw Octavia. The girl wasn’t looking at her, just there. Just holding her as she adjusted to another new normal. The normal where girls would hurt her.

“I won’t stand in your way, Sissy,” she said quietly. “I just felt like I needed to protect you. Even from my best friend. But, I’m going to tell you something that Mom once told me.”

Tris held her breath and waited for the older girl’s wisdom.

“You gotta take chances and just use your head in the process.”

She tried to understand Octavia’s words, but seriously, _what the fuck does that mean?_

Octavia’s breath was heavy when she sighed. Her head hit the wall when she leaned back, and she huffed out in annoyance, but then she said, “Go for it. If she tries to hurt you or fuck you before you are ready, then tell me or Raven. You have lived through some shit, but you don’t need to be someone’s fuck toy like we were.”

“Do you think that she… like maybe she likes me?”

Octavia’s mouth twisted some and her cheeks sucked in. She was chewing on the inside of her mouth.

“I hope so, because if she hurts you I will have to kill her.”

Tris looked at her then and took a chance, “Are we going to kill Bellamy for hurting Raven?”

Without even taking a second to think about it, Octavia nodded solemnly. Softly, she whispered, “Yeah, we are going to kill him. Or castrate him. I am not sure which would be easier. I think that killing him is better because I don’t want to touch his weiner.”

Tris snorted a laugh at that, because she didn’t want to touch Bellamy’s penis either. That was just... yuck. “Yeah, I don’t want to see your brother’s dick either.”

Octavia was pushing Tris then, pushing her up from the ground. Once she was on her feet, Octavia held up her hands clearly expecting Tris to pull her up. It took a couple huffs and an annoyed eye roll from the older girl for Tris to get the bigger girl up. When they were both on their feet, Octavia led them back to the room.

“So sleeping rules.”

Tris didn’t look at Octavia as she explained that Tris was the little spoon, and at no point in time may she attempt to be the big spoon. That spooning rights would be removed if she at any point in time farts on her like Raven tends to do. That she was to accept being the little spoon and enjoy it.

Tris nodded that she understood the rules, but also contemplated what it would take to force a fart out just to piss the other girl off.  The thought brought a smile to her face. Raven could be Octavia’s favorite and she would gladly take the role of annoying little sister.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like my works, I started a new clexa piece that is very different from this one. It's called "Keep Telling Yourself That" please drop by.   
> Also if you like this please hit the kudos button. Please please please. Or send drop me a comment. I seriously feed off them.


	43. Love Yourself and Others

**~Lexa~**

Moving through the mostly quiet house, they follow the subtle sound of Clarke’s voice. They realize they can’t hear it well because she is not actually within the home. It’s the flash of gold that they saw swaying through the front window of the office that told them where to find her.

As they step on the porch, they see Clarke in the porch swing. The toes of her feet rocking her and Levi to, then fro. The spring breeze blows several stray hairs around her face, But her blue eyes are locked on the infant in her arms.

“My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,” she sings.

Levi’s little hand wrapped around Clarke’s finger.

“Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small…”

Lexa wasn’t sure it was possible to fall more in love with her.

“You never need to carry more than you can hold…”

But the sight of Clarke just wrapped around Levi’s finger…

“And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,”

It opened a new level of adoration and devotion for her. 

“…I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too…”

They can’t move, just recording this moment in their mind.

“Yeah, this, is my wish,” she finishes the verse, and her eyes raise.

Clarke’s smile is bright as she looked up to see Lexa standing in the doorway. Levi is cooing and Clarke shifts them so they are sitting in her lap. Taking their little hand she waves it for them.

“Say hi to Nontu, Levi,” she waves for them, and they open their mouth wide, just to kick their little feet.

Lexa moves from the doorway towards their wife and child. Taking a seat next to Clarke, they held out their hands. Clarke handed over the infant that had probably doubled in size in the last month.

Lifting and dropping a few times, Lexa stated, “They are getting big, Prisa.”

She snorted, and said, “Trikru genes make big babies. Have you seen Luna. She looks like she may break under that kid soon.”

Lexa’s eyes squinted and looked Clarke over. “Trikru’s are strong people. Strong people make strong babies. Strong babies just happen to be big.”

Lexa felt Clarke snuggle into their side, so they raised their arm and let her head fall onto their chest. Holding her close with Levi there just felt so right. They sighed at the completeness of just this.

The gentle sway of the bench that they propelled. Propelled the motion of their family and their life. It was an overwhelming moment of contentment.

“If I want another baby, can we name them Starbucks?”

Lexa should have been concerned that Clarke wanted to name a future child after her favorite coffee company, but no all they heard was _I want another baby._ They look at her for a moment, and her smile is bright. Pulling her back in they consider having another child. Doing this again.

Having Clarke in danger. Having the baby come early. Having Clarke almost die. They shook away the painful memories, and then processed the rest of the sentence. Laughing at the name, they shook their head. “No, Prisa. You many not name our future child after a corporation.”

Clarke was quiet, and Lexa realized that this was not a discussion of whether they would have another child. No, it was just a laugh about a name and Clarke’s joke.

But it made Lexa think.

They brought Levi’s little head up to their lips and hugged the blonde tighter. Clarke was smooshed into them, when she said, “Lex, I wasn’t suggesting-“

“I know,” they interrupt her. But press a kiss to her head. “I just want you, Prisa. I don’t care how many niños you want, as long as I have you.”

Clarke nodded into them, and then said, “Speaking of kids… can we talk about Tris?”

Lexa nodded, inhaling the spring grassy breeze intermixed with Clarke’s shampoo. The released her, and she took Levi from their arms. Pulling her shirt down, she moved to give Levi her breast, but Lexa was frantically looking up and down the street.

“Klark, this is the front porch you cannot just show everyone what is mine,” they tell her. She snorts softly, but just positions their child to give the greatest access.

Shaking her head as the infant latched on, she stated, “You wanted me to breast feed, Commander.”

They huff out a breath of air and state, “Not in public. Those are mine and I want no one else looking at them.” Their arms crossed over their chest and they looked at Levi. They felt a tiny pinch of jealousy building that the infant could do this in public and they couldn't.

“Maybe you shouldn’t have knocked me up then,” she responded. When Lexa looked at her in confusion, she grunted a little before saying, “They grew two cup sizes! Everyone notices them now.” Her free arm rises in the air as her neck juts out just enough that they know she is giving them attitude.

Lexa smiled though. Smiled because they were bigger and they were theirs. “I like them this way,” they say, but as the words fall out of their mouth they realize what they actually said in Clarke speak. They just told her they didn’t like her breasts before. Told her that her breasts are better bigger.

They have no time to fix it though, because the car is pulling up in front of the house and the rest of the family is bouncing out of the vehicle and clambering up the steps. Octavia was lugging most of the bags, but Tris was trying to keep up as best she could.

Lexa glances back at Clarke, whose eyes are squinted at them and her lips pursed. They hang their head because they know they’re in trouble. Know that Clarke will never let this go even if she is not offended by it.

“I’m sorry, Prisa,” they say, and add, “That's not what I meant.”

Her head tilted, and then the sinister smile rose on her lips, “You’ll pay for that comment later, Commander.”

Raven and Octavia bombarded Lexa from both sides, just as they whispered, “Of course, my Kwin.”

Octavia was laughing then. She was laughing and looking at her mother., “Nontu’s in truuu-ble.”

Tris looked awkwardly between Clarke and them, and then her eyes fell to the ground. Raven slugged her in the arm though. She told the younger girl, “You’re not in trouble. The Commander is in trouble.” Turning to Lexa, she asked, “What did you do. We gave you like a whole a weekend to have sex and make her happy.”

Clarke smiled then, breaking the hug with Abby. She said, “Yeah, Lexa tell the kids how in one sentence you managed to get in the dog house.” She sat up, her stance proud and owning a level of superiority that they knew she would hold over them for at least the night.

Clarke was definitely going to use this little, itty, bitty slip to embarrass them. Embarrass them in front of the girls. They gulped audibly, and looked at the ground, but Octavia’s hands were immediately over her ears. She yelled out,  “LA LA LA this is a sex thing! LA LA LA! I don’t want to know!” She moved towards the door and disappeared into the house.

Raven’s eyebrows waggled though, and she pulled Tris into her. She said calmly, “But we do!”

Lexa shook their head, and said, “No.”

Clarke cocked an eyebrow in a challenge.

“Por favor, Prisa. Lo siento,” Lexa begged.

Levi released just as Clarke was about to challenge Lexa. With Clarke’s chest was on display, Lexa reconsidered saying why they were in trouble in hopes that she would let them play later. That thought was interrupted through when Raven quickly covered Tris’s eyes and said, “Mom, put the tit away. They are funky looking when they are like swollen, and like food, and shit.”

Tris snorted in laughter, and Clarke’s face turned bright red as she tried to fix her shirt with one hand. The girls turned to leave as well, and Lexa stood there helplessly. Clarke’s fingers fumbled, and she held her hand over her breast as she tried to hand Levi off to them.

They took the baby and moved over to Tris. Tris looked at them and realized Lexa was trying to hand her the baby. She held out her arms and took the baby. Raven said, “Shoulder. They need to burp.” Tris followed Raven’s instructions as the moved into the house leaving all the bags on the porch.

Lexa moved back to Clarke, who was still fighting with the clasp. Lexa took it from her fingers and latched it. Once it was hooked, they ran their fingers over the still hard buds that poked through the shirt material.

The woman shook her head, and Lexa knew that Raven’s comments had hit Clarke in the place of insecurity that she was still trying to work on. They whispered, “They’re perfect as is the rest of you.”

Huffing out air and rolling her eyes, Clarke tried to blink back the tears that Lexa could see were there. Gesturing down to her chest, she said, “They’ll never be the same. My body is just so different now… And it just kinda sucks.”

Lexa pressed a kiss to the heavy cleavage falling out from the top of the tank. They look up with their lips hovering over on her chest, and said, “No, Klark. It’s you being so much more and your body is just that much more beautiful.”

 

Lexa was about to take the soft flesh into their mouth when there was a loud cough behind them. Lexa’s head turned just enough for them to see the tall freckle faced man standing on the porch.

Lexa was on their feet in a second, shoulders back and ready to tear Bellamy’s throat out. His eyes widened and they knew Bellamy understood he was in deep shit.

“Bell, we all know that there is no way in hell I am letting you near Ray or Octavia right now,” Clarke said calmly. Lexa wished they could be as frank as their wife was.

But Bellamy knew the game too well. Knew it so well, and the words he needed to say.  And he said them.

“I need an open door.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Friday is my birthday so I will be MIA on FRI, SAT and SUN. 
> 
> Also, my schedule is fucked at the moment because I am working on another piece as well called "Keep Telling Yourself That." 
> 
> Just know if its written by me its dark with a full circle happy ending. :) Love you all.
> 
> AND MOST OF ALL THANK MAC-ARONI for BETAING THIS THING FOR ME!


	44. ... a lastly take the chance for help as well as give it...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If you are reading on a cellphone. I am sorry. I tried to format the poetry and it looks right on my phone... but I don't know about other phones.

**~Octavia~**

Octavia was heading back to the porch when she heard his voice. She had denied the last six phone calls from him, and she should have known he would come sooner rather than later. But she wasn’t ready to see him.

The anger within was welling at an exponential level, and her feet moved faster than she could process what her plan was. She didn’t even want to see him. No, she did want to see him. She wanted to see him as she smashed her well trained fist to his face. Yeah, that would make her feel better, she decided.

Her feet carried her effortlessly towards the door and she only stopped because a crutch came out of no where, and Octavia ended up face planting on the cold walnut floor. Turning around, she saw Raven on one crutch, the other twisted awkwardly between her foot and the entry table.

“You don’t get to hit him first,” Raven tells her.

Pushing up, she glares at her sister, and hisses back, “Fuck you. He’s my brother and I get to hit him first.”

“Ex, crippled girl friend gets first rights to punching over sister,” Raven answers and hopples awkwardly with only one crutch.

Just past Raven, Tris stood closer to the door watching with the now crying infant in her arms. She was clearly uncomfortable with her inability to calm Levi, but Octavia couldn’t care about that right now. She would have to learn eventually anyways was how Octavia justified turning away from her and following Raven out on the porch. Bellamy’s eyes were locked on Raven as he stood against the porch post just by the steps.

His shoulder’s were slumped, and he looked just like he had after he finally visited her at the group home. The last time he fell so hard into white powder that his body seemed to disintegrate, leaving him a case of bones, gaunt flesh, and hollow eye.

It was the only way she could describe her brother.

“Ray,” he said so quietly, and Raven seemed to freeze. Freeze in a shaking mess next to the front door.

Clarke was in front of both girls, and Octavia could barely see him through the blonde hair that was blocking her view. Her hands were up, and she was saying, “You don’t get to talk to them. You came here and asked for an open door, which I will find you but it will not be this door.” She paused and then her words were sharp, “You knew the rules.”

Levi’s cries were growing more frantic behind her and Octavia realized that Tris had joined them at the door. Probably to pass of the kid, but also to see the brother that she had only caught a glimpse of once.

“Inside, now,” it was the Nontu voice that Lexa had mastered within the year. The voice that left no room for question even though Octavia still wanted to hit him. Raven was looking over to where Lexa was walking towards Bellamy their eyes cold and protective.

Octavia swallowed and turned, taking Levi from Tris. The girl seemed as though a weight had been lifted from her. Turning back, Octavia looked through Clarke and at her brother. With all the venom radiating from her being, she states, “You’re dead to me.”

The trip back into the house was dark and lonely, despite the warmth of the sun beating through the westward facing back windows. It was dark and cold like all of the pain that she held for her brother’s continuous betrayal.

~~~~~

_Her body ached and trembled, but she sat in the small walk in closet with the flip phone. The one he gave her for emergenicies and told her to hide it. Octavia wasn’t supposed to have a phone, so that her step father could control who and when she could talk to people._

_It was the night of the first assault, and her step father had left her broken on the twin bed as he made his way back to his own sanctuary. She had waited longer than was probably necessary, but she had to make sure. She had to make sure that he was gone for the night and not just coming back for more._

_Her fingers typed in his number, and she held the phone up to her face. The face without tears. There were no tears left, and she was pretty sure there was nothing left in her. Nothing but him, and she didn’t know what to do._

_The phone rang three times, before he answered. She doesn’t know what she expected, but it was not the sound of her brother laughing like a hyena on the other side as heavy electric music pulsed through the small speaker._

_“O!” he yelled, and it scared her. Scared her to the point that she almost dropped the phone. He was high and she knew it. He had been this way when he laughed through their mother’s funeral. The hilarity of the priest that cast disapproving looks at him as he tried to muffle his laughter and cover his shifty smile._

_She shook her head, and knew. Knew that he wouldn’t be able to help her. That he was too lost in himself and wouldn't even remember if she told him. The last flicker of hope vacated her like she had received the kiss of death._

_All options and opportunity were gone, and she could barely recognize her voice as she tried even though she knew it was useless._

_“I need you,” she said as best she could._

_He was laughing and talking to someone nearby. Telling whoever he was with to, “Pass it.”_

_Bellamy didn’t even acknowledge her plea. Didn’t acknowledge either when she tried one last time with, “He hurt me.” No, just the sick sound of his inhale and bubbling._

_Octavia hung up. Hung up the phone. Hung up all hope. And considered if the bar over her head would hold her weight long enough for her lungs to collapse and all functions stop._

_~~~~~_

The nursery was bright, and she felt the arms wrap around her after she put Levi down on the changing table. They were still kicking and fussing, but neither Octavia nor Raven could care at the moment. Both needed the hug. Needed each other. Needed to feel supported. Not abandoned like they had been by their blood.

No, they didn’t need anyone else but each other.

**~Lexa~**

With cold hands they pointed to the front yard. Lexa’s rage at upsetting their girls hid behind the cold mask of indifference, but they knew Bellamy wasn’t stupid. He was a druggie, but he wasn’t stupid.

“Get off my porch,” they order, and he takes the two steps down into the hard. Lexa’s arm is pointing across the street to the Griffin house where Ryder had just pulled into the drive way. Their brother was still in uniform, and moving towards the house having seen Bellamy in the yard and Lexa looking very Commanderish.

They watched as Bell’s face is took on a glimmer of fear. His hands were up as he started to beg, “Please, no cops.”

Ryder was already crossing the street though, and his voice was heavy with authority, “Should have thought of that before you made your choices.”

“I’m clean,” the boy-man says, but Ryder still had his hands pulled up behind his head. Ryder’s hands move down the sides of his pants carefully.

He released Bellamy’s hands but tells him not to move. To the man’s credit, he doesn’t. He doesn’t move as Ryder pulls out his pockets, and checks the insides of his socks. Lexa watches the unlawful search, but this was family and Bellamy is lucky he is not in the trunk of the Audi to find a shallow grave in the desert at this moment for laying his hands on their daughter after enabling her escape.

Ryder’s eyes meet Lexa, and he nodded as he said, “Clear.” But then asked, “Where are the girls?”

“Inside,” Lexa answered. They turned and looked at Clarke. They both could still hear Levi crying and they know that Clarke needed to go inside. Turning to the blonde, they pull her in and whisper, “Please go check on our girls and calm down Levi. You’re better at it.”

When they pulled out from the hug, they saw the soft smile on Clarke’s face at the boost of confidence they had just given her. They pressed a kiss to her head, she instructed them, “Don’t hurt him.”

Lexa shook their head though and hissed, “He will feel what he has done to my daughters.” And with a short glance towards him, they added, “And then some.”

Clarke’s hands were steady and firm though, pulling them back to her. She was mirroring their shaking head. “He asked for an open door. Just as you did. I ensured that no harm would could to you, as I will ensure that no harm will come to him. If you cannot agree to that, you can go change your kid’s diaper.”

Lexa squinted their eyes at the challenge. Holding up a single finger, they negotiated, “One strike.”

Clarke laughed and reached up, moving their finger down to make a fist. They smile momentarily thinking that she was giving them permission. But no. Of course not, that would be too easy.

“No stirkes,” she said and patted their fist. Then she added, “No sex for a month if you hit him.”

Lexa scoffed, and retaliated with, “That will make you more upset than I, Klark.”

The blonde turned, and walked into the house, reminding them that while, yes, a sex deprived Clarke was an angry Clarke, it also meant that Lexa would suffer her sex deprived wrath. “A happy wife equals happy life, Lexi.”

Tightening the grip of their fist, they let it fall to their side. Swearing internally at the squeeze Clarke had on their balls, they turned back to their brother. He still has a hand on Bellamy and casts a eye the boy's way and then quickly back to Lexa. They smiled because its and offer. An offer to give Bellamy some pay back for hurting the girls. Lexa considered it for a moment but Clarke’s voice rang through the doorway.

“And Ryder may not touch him either.”

_Damn it!_

**~Bellamy~**

 Everything was lost. His frateriny house was closing after a pledge released photos of several boys being hazed during initiation, and Bellamy found himself without a roof. Without a roof… and now without a family.

His choices were weighing on him. They had been from the first hit after he got the call from Lincoln. It was so easy to find. The baggy hidden in his sock drawer. The reminder he had called it… but he knew it wasn’t a reminder. It was an out.

Ryder’s hand was heavy on his shoulder, and his arms were beginning to feel that weight. He wanted to drop them, but he didn’t want the cop to drop him. That was who Ryder was. The cop. Not his uncle. No, he didn’t have any uncles or aunts. No grandparents. No, Clarke and Lexa were not his parents.

He was alone. Alone as he had left Octavia. Alone as he had left Raven. Alone as he had always been, because they were wanted and he was trash.

His voice was deep but broken, as he said, “I’m sorry.”

He was sorry. Sorrier than he had ever been. Sorrier than when Octavia’s abuse had come out and he knew that she had tried to tell him. Tried to tell him over the phone and he had chosen to lose himself in just one more hit.

Wash away the pain of failing her. Failing her after he promised his mother to look out for her. Look out and be there for her. But he failed. Leaving her alone with that man, and not even trying to fight for her.

Waking up only to feel the itch for just another release. Just one more escape to a place that he didn’t have to protect her. And the itch always won out over going to get her.

He couldn’t protect her, he steadily justified to himself.  And maybe he had just made her angry. She hadn’t told him what had happened and he tried to tell himself it wasn’t that bad.

But he learned it had been. It had been so bad that she had hurt herself, and he had failed.

The echoes of failures hovered around him. Encompassing the energy that hummed around him, until it swallowed any and all hopes. All but the one that the small granules could provide.

Lexa’s voice was near, and it was cold. The ice piercing his clammy skin; threatening to edge him into another painful withdrawal. “You will stay away from my daughters.”

Now he would have another withdrawal to feel. It had taken a week to come down last time. A week of vomit covering his sleeves from bouncing back at him. Too out of it to care more than pulling the blanket up closer. He had come down at Miller’s place. The door closed to lock away his misery as he let the poison make its course through him. But it was worth it. It was supposed to be worth it when Octavia would express her anger, and then forgive him for being stupid. Just like she always did.

That wouldn’t happen this tie though. It wouldn’t happen because Lexa would never let him near her.  He knew that Lexa would protect his sister in the way he was supposed to. The way he had always promised too, but always failed.

Lexa’s words were sharp, and he felt each blow that was dealt as Ryder walked them into the garage. The shadowed room where he would visit Raven. Where Raven would retract her playful exoskeleton and be just Raven. The quirky planner that planned to change the world. The world he would never be allowed part of again.

His mind wove in short simplicity. The words shaping within himself. Filling him with more than guts and bones.

_My_

_mind_

_twists, and_

_every word slices_

_into me. Forming tiny_

_insignificant cuts  through_

_the surface of my skin invisibility._

_Cuts just deep enough to all the filling,_

_Strangling silence of darkness and pain._

_All I feel I’ve known. The devouring ache._

_Within nothing  left. Only the loneliness._

_Solitude of living. Alone so utterly._

_Lost and no one pays mind._

_To the boy within_

_The cage._

                                                

_No._

_No way._

_No fixing._

_The only door._

_Closed and kept safe._

_Safe from me, as I search_

_But I’m shattered. Billions of_

_shards, and countless remnants._

_Reminders of what I was once._

_Of what I failed to be, and_

_All those I let down._

_Each piece apart._

_Of each soul._

 

 

 _Hero_

_Not me._

_Never will_

_I be a hero to her._

_In a vast abyss I wait._

_On my back, tears falling._

_Can one transform really?_

_Can one rise above failure,_

_fight the villain within._

_The villain that is_

_Within me._

 

 

_The_

_Face_

_A mirror_

_Hero and villain,_

_a taunting reflection._

_Looking at me, mockingly._

_Replication too much for me._

_I take two steps back, four._

_Looking for glue or tape._

_Put the_ _pieces back_

_Make it whole._

_Complete._

 

 

_The_

_math_

_never adds_

_equal I will never_

_be more than a ratio._

_Divided with a remainder_

_The problem no one wants,_

_Unsolvable, frustrating._

_No proof possible._

_Just chaos._

_This_

_Can’t be_

_The finally._

_I’ve given up_

_Too much to quit._

_This world stripped                      But._

_Away what I thought                  But, no._

_Possible, and then                 I’m still here_

_It took some                   Air still filtering_

_More.                     Blood still pumping._

_At least a sliver of hope._

_Hope threatening to fall_

_But ever present and_

_Not fleeting away._

_Which gives way._

_For chance._

_So_

_Shed_

_The tears._

_Brush together_

_The fragments_

_Not all of_

_them._

 

_Try_

_to avoid_

_the cruelty._

_The reflection_

_Of hate and pain._

_Let it stay in the dust_

_of unfixable shards._

_To be ground_

_Into dust._

 

_Yes,_

_hope is_

_left, to fill._

_Fill the holes._

_As I relearn to live_

_To crawl hand after knee_

_Pushing forward like a baby._

_But it’s moving in a direction_

_And I try not to go back_

_Only option is ahead._

_No more, tears._

 

The tears fell, but Bellamy pushed up from the ground he had fallen to as Lexa and Ryder stood by watching. Neither willing to comfort him. Letting him break as he needed to. He needed to hit this ground and realize that the only place left to fall was beneath the surface.

For this was his choice. He needed to decide to rise or let the self-destructive voice eat him from inside out until they buried him alongside his mother. Buried him and inflicted the last blow to the girls within the home already mourning his loss.

It was up to Bellamy now, and he was ready to make a choice. The biggest issue was how the family would deal with his selection. So, Lexa and Ryder stood by and watched.

He shook but pushed up from the ground. Steadying himself on the workshop bench that he had last held Raven as he stuttered out confessions of love while connected as one.

Bellamy stared at the bench, his fist hitting the hard wooden surface, and blood shot swollen eyes looking back at the adults only a few years his senior. He did not stuttered, only choked back the mucus clogging his throat and nose.  “I need help and I need a family.”

Lexa and Ryder looked at one another and then back at him. Their unwavering stares of “that’s just not good enough” let him know it was true. It wasn’t good enough.

“I want to be clean, and I want to be apart of this family.”

Still not good enough.

“I-“

But Clarke’s voice cut him off, “Enough of the bull shit, Bell. I know you’re better than this. You know it. O knows it. Even Raven knows it. So you know where to start.”

He held his breath. He knew what she wanted to hear. But knowing it and admitting it were not the same thing. He knew though that this was his last chance. That he had used up all of his open doors. And yet Clarke was still willing to help him.

He just as to admit it.

So he began.

Began with the words.

The words that Octavia used whenever she was in trouble. The words that would get her out of trouble and into a place where Clarke was willing to listen to her and help her fix her wrongs.

“I’m sorry. I screwed up because I am addicted to meth. I plan to fix this by first asking for help from you and completing programs that will help me fight. Because Momma G, I’m can’t fight alone.”

It was the first time he had referenced Clarke as a mother figure. She had always been Octavia’s mom, and just someone in his life. But he needed more than that. He needed a mom to knock sense into him. And she did.

She literally knocked him backwards into the table he had turned from to face her. Her face stern as any proper mother would give. “Stay away from the girls. I decide when or even if you are ready to see them.”

Her body was closer, “If you need forgiveness, then I’m giving it to you. Don’t throw it away.” His breath shook at her proximity, because up close and angry she was terrifying.

Bellamy nodded, and she turned from him. Her eyes were on Lexa, and she spoke to them. “He will not stay here.” She turned quickly and faced him. “No, you may not stay in this house with my kids and you will not stay with Ryder and Luna because they don’t need you fighting this battle with their little ones around.”

Ryder looked Clarke over and nodded in agreement.

Their voice was cold, and asked, “Where is he staying?”

Clarke looked him up and down, and said, “I’m too young to be your mother, Bell. Don’t ever call me Momma G again. It’s weird.” He felt embarrassment flushing his face. “You need one though.” She paused and his eyes met hers again. “You are going to get a taste of motherhood from someone that has wanted to be a mom again for awhile and I am not just not in a place to be less than a bitch right now. SO you are going to get a taste of Abigail Griffin motherhood.”

He lowered his eyes before whispering, “She hates me.”

“She had a good reason. And you hurt her babies,” Clarke said. But then she added, “But she is willing to give you a second chance. And maybe… maybe you can be hers.”


	45. All Stories end.

**~Clarke~**

Brown curls were suffocating her, causing Clarke to swipe at her face. The sky was still dark outside which meant it was around 5am, but Lexa’s smiling face above her, told Clarke that that annoying wake up was planned. She looks around and see’s no chai tea latte. Squinting her eyes up, Lexa’s smile broadened.

“Where is my coffee?”

Lexa shook her head though. Her hand slipped under the yoga pants, and pressed against the blonde’s sex.

Even though Clarke wanted to be angry, she couldn’t be. Couldn’t be angry as Lexa’s fingers played along her slit. Her slit that was kept closed due to Lexa’s legs straddling her.

She tried to relax and spread open for the commander, but Lexa just smiled and squeezed her legs closed. Clarke’s eyes opened, and she glared at the commander above her.

The shook their head again, not uttering a word. Clarke realized this was a game in body language. She wasn’t to speak, and Lexa in turn would not speak either. This was about showing submission without instruction.

Submitting to them without her coffee. Submitting to them at an hour of their choosing. Submitting was something Clarke could do on her terms, but this was testing the boundaries. Testing the lines that she led, only to hand Lexa the reins when she chose.

And for some reason, despite the lack of caffeine or the ungodly hour, Clarke moved her hands up and placed them flat against the headboard. She straightened her legs, and held still.

Lexa smiled, and leaned over her. Their breasts running against Clarke’s face, as they wrapped the purple silk ropes over and under her wrists. Securing her to the headboard.

Clarke shifted her head ever so slightly. Her nose grazing the soft skin of Lexa’s bust. They stall for a moment, as their wife nuzzled against them. Clarke felt the stall of their breath, and took advantage of their momentary lapse. Shifitng her mouth, she applied a little pressure with her teeth on the tender skin. Sinking a mark into them. Their breasts pushed deeper into her mouth, and she oblidged them by sucking and biting her way to their nipple.

Lexa’s core ran over her stomach, coating her skin in their arousal. Marking her in an equally effective way. Their rut became more drastic as Clarke’s soft pink tongue ran a circle around the nipple, before sucking it into her lips.

As Lexa ran their sex over her, she sucked until they pulled form her. The pop of their nipple freeing itself caused Clarke to buck her hips and chest up into Lexa’s drenched core.

The sat up and ran a long delicate finger through their folds, then used the other two fingers on their hand to spread their labia. Giving Clarke a clear view of the soaked engorged clit. Their middle finger rubbed around the bud clockwise, only to move directly to it after. They moaned as they pleasured themselves on top of their wife. Rocking their hips against her stomach as they rubbed their clit.

Clarke’s mouth watered, wanting nothing more than to replace that finger. Replace that finger with her tongue and have them ride her face.

She wanted to ask, but that wasn’t the game. The game was to see if they could make her beg even though she was supposed to remain silent. And she was not going to give in that easy. If she begged, then they would torture her more. Would leave her wanting through out O and Raven’s graduation that afternoon and possibly even that night.

They smiled as they looked down at her, and found her licking her lips. She could tell they were close, because their movements were a little more erratic. A little less controlled. Their rocking increased in speed and agressiveness against her skin as they pant out gasps of pleasure filled air.

“Prisa,” they whisper hoarsely. Their finger losing its rhythm ans rubbing roughing against the swollen pleasure point. “Merida, Klark!”

Their body fell into culvusions a top her, They breasts finding their way over Clarke’s face again. Without wasting a moment, she latched on top the nipple bouncing in her face. Latched on sucking as Lexa’s core ground harder against her, riding out their orgasm.

For a second she fought against the ties, wanting to hold Lexa as they came down. Their body still shivering with the after effects. Clarke tried to switch sides, but Lexa was back up. Their body moving quickly, as they pulled off her pants.

Clarke smiled. Knowing that she had played by the rules, which meant she would get her reward. The reward of Lexa fucking her. _Fuck, please_ , she thought. Wanting nothing more than Lexa to take her.

They stripped her of her pants, leaving her stark naked on the bed. Her eyes shot one searching for them. They were at the side of the bed, rummaging through the toy drawer.

Lexa returned to the bed almost immediately though, ad spread her legs wide to accommodate their kneeling form between her thighs. . Clarke’s eyes widened as she watched them hold the small silver clamp up for her to see. The warmth in her chest radiated up her chest, and she nodded ever so slightly.

They smiled and clicked the clamp once, letting the small metal click to register with her. The sound of the pressure that was about to constrict her clit. Her hips canted at the sound, not unfamiliar and so wanted. A soft chuckle left Lexa’s lips, and their finger traced a slow circle around her exposed numb.

She bit her lip trying to swallow the sounds threatening to break free. She failed though as Lexa’s talent tongue met her clit. Their slick tongue ran in a solid lap over her nub, sending ripples running through her nerves throughout her body. They sucked it into their mouth, creating solid pressure, as she ground against their face.

One hand came up though. It came up and held her firmly to the bed. Releasing her clit with their own pop.

She bucked against the hand holding her, at the loss. However everything froze as her clit was met with the cool metal that steadily applied force. Her breathing became more ragged as the clamp secured. Every nerve lit on fire, begging for the last push of release. Her body pleading for Lexa to take it over the edge into the vast ness of the universe.

Clarke was not disappointed though. Not disappointed as Lexa buried themself to the hilt of their flesh colored dick inside of her. Striking that hidden treasure spot within her. Sliding their hips back, only to plunge within once more.

Her hands twisted and gripped the ties holding her. They left her legs tot heir shoulder, adding pressure to clamp. Leaning her body so they were hovered over her bent form, they reached up and balanced themself with a hand barely grasping over the bottom of her throat.

There was no pressure of threat, just the steady pounding of Lexa’s hips against Clarke’s core. Seizing the control from Clarke’s helpless position. Holding on for purchase as Lexa’s thrusts increased in speed and ferocity.

Each thrust, causing Clarke’s resolve for silence to break, until her mouth is wide and she is crying out obscenities.

“Fuck me, Commander,” was the first. Followed by, “Fuck,” and, “Harder, and “Take me Commander.”

Her words where matched by growls of ownership, like, “Mine, Prisa,” and “Take me, slut,” and “Cum for me, Klarke!”

And she did. Her walls clamping down as Lexa rutted into her with more vigor, not slowing as she cried out for her commander to, “please don't ever stop… fucking me!”

Lexa’s second cliff came as Clarke’s hands fought against her ties and abs contracted in release. Lexa’s hips were still moving, carrying them through their own climax, when the bedroom door was thrown opn and Octavia bounced into the room calling out in blissful joy that she was graduating.

The joy only lasted a moment though as she was too far into the room to miss the stark naked parental units too blissed out to stop their convulsing to cover up. Even as she screamed, Lexa’s body contracted against Clarke’s.

Clarke was the first to come to at the sound of her daughter, but her body was still reacting to the clamp between her thighs that was being stimulated again and against by Lexa’s shaking form on top of her.

“I’m blind!” Octavia yelled, which didn’t help to ease the situation. Only draw more attention, as Tris ran into the bedroom and stood very still taking in the sight of the two bodies still very much connected and bare on the stripped bed.

Lexa’s body laid protectively over Clarke’s naked form, for there was no way to cover them without them first getting up, leaving Clarke hopelessly exposed before her daughters.

“God damn it, Octavia. Get. Out!” they yelled as their naked body clung to Clarke’s immobile form.

But the older girl just stood still with wide eyes unable to move or formulate cohesive words after witnessing both parents in mid orgasm. No, there was no possible way to bleach away this memory.

Tris pulled on the older girl, but she didn’t move. She stayed rooted, her eyes glassed over. The fear in Tris eyes told that she was clueless on what to do, and Clarke felt the pain for her girls that were clearly traumatized.

Tris moved though. Moved the foot of the bed, where the comforter had gotten kicked to, and tossed it over Lexa’s back. Lexa’s body still hilted into Clarke’s now trembling core.

With the adults covered, Lexa is able to pull out. Clarke can’t help the groan of sadness that exits her lips at the loss of Lexa’s dick. They quickly move up her body, letting her hands lose, as Tris continues to pull on Octavia, whose body was at least complying some.

Tris was yelling for Raven, and the older girl came in shaking her head. She told Tris, “I told you not to follow her.”

Without much thought, Raven hit Octavia just below the back of her knee. The middle child dropped the hardwood as Lexa rubbed Clarke’s wrists and checked her finger tips.

Octavia’s voice is hard as she comes back to the world., “Fuck you all!”

Tris giggles, Raven shrugs, and Lexa holds Clarke completely enclosed. They needed Clarke to know that she was safe, and they were there for her. But mostly they needed the girls to leave.

Clarke took care of that though. Her voice calm, as she told the girls, “Guys, I need y’all to get out now please.”

 

**~Octavia~**

After four hours, Octavia was still bothered by the amount of skin she saw of her parents. She knew that they would try to talk her back into the therapy after that. She shook her head, as Clarke pulled off the over large rollers from her long dark locks. Every time Clarke shifted, she grimaced just a little. It was disturbing to say the least.

Octavia stilled Clarke’s hand as she went to pull her daughter’s hair from her face. She needed this moment with her mother. Needed to know that on the bridge of her shift into adulthood, because turning eighteen wasn’t the number of adult for her, that her mother was happy.

“Mom,” she said, turning to face Clarke.

The mother’s eyes stared into her own. The eyes that met her every blow up. The eyes that promised safety and carried through with it. The eyes that watched over her.

She felt the emotion building but tried to push it back. Carefully she asked, “You’re happy right?”

Clarke’s hands took O’s. Holding them tightly, as the soft smile spread over her face. The mother explained, “Octavia, I have never been happier. My baby is graduating high school. My baby is so grown up.”

She let go of Octavia’s hand to wipe away her tears. This only effectively smeared her eyeliner over her cheeks.

“I am the luckiest person on Earth to have gotten the chance to be your mother Octavia Aurora Blake Trikru-Griffin. You are one of the most capable and intelligent people I have ever met. You’re unbelievable ability to care for and protect those you love, make you one of those rare people in this world that will change things.”

Her arms were around her daughter. Wrapping her tightly, as she said, “Thank you,” over and over again.

~~~~~

The inside of the stadium was packed. Balloon’s bouncing on long ribbons. Air horns occasionally going off. Octavia was seated in the first chair on the football field with Raven in the chair next to her.

Raven had come in second in their class. Octavia wasn’t positive but she felt that Raven may have intentionally bombed Anya’s final to ensure that she could give this speech.

Looking up to the stage, Octavia could see her parents sitting side by side. Their long robes in differing colors, told of the different paths they had taken to get to where they was today. She thought about this concept of paths, as she flipped through her speech. The cards she had rehearsed, and planned for.

As the principal called her name, she looked up to see Clarke’s face beaming with pride. She stands as several of her classmates hoot and holler behind her.

Monroe screamed out, “We love you, O!”

It made her feel a little better. Her hands were shaking and the only thought that she could focus on was the one begging with her feet not to trip. It was eighteen sets to the podium. She knew this because it was practiced seven times the day before.

What wasn’t practiced was her telling her fellow classmates how to survive the rest of their lives. And as she looked out at them all, it was clear that what she had written was not good enough. Dropping the cards on the podium, she looked back to her mom.

Clarke nodded to her in encouragement. Turning back to her friends, she began,

“Most of you know that my mom was this year’s teacher of the year, Queen Clarke Griffin!” The students and many parents cheered, since most students had gone through Clarke’s class as either a freshmen or a sophomore.

“Well a few weeks ago. We were all in a pretty bad accident. And accident that caused my baby sibling to be bor tow months early, my sister to learn to walk again, another sister to be brought into our home. I felt like my whole world had turned upside down. I thought that I was losing it all, and that everything would change.”

She paused then.

“And the truth is, everything did change. Because you see, everyone's story has a start point, but that doesn't mean its the beginning. Sometimes the story begins in the middle. But really every moment is a new beginning, so the middle is the beginning, or something like that.”

Octavia looked over Raven first, explaining, “Every moment becomes a memory, but each memory is still apart of the present because its still too real. I learned that memories are inconsistent though, and that is probably a good thing. Some get twisted or abandoned, but all it takes for the memory becomes a reality again is to tell it. To tell your story. Even if it may be one-sided.”

She finds Lincoln towards the back, his head towering over the two students on either side of him. “ Griffin explained it to us on the first day. Introspection they call it... analyzing oneself... but that shit is hard.”

Octavia casted a glance at the principal that just shook his head. She smiled and returned to her spur of the moment speech.

“There are the times that others have to point out your issues, and that sucks. I know my sister, she is one smart cookie, and she said to be real, and tell the parts that hurt without sugar. This is hard because you know I’m that girl that laugh when it hurts, so there is always a little sugar. But there will be other times, and other times there is no sugar, because moments that should be happy turn into nightmares. You don't always realize what you're doing. Don’t realize that you are creating this nightmares, and sometimes people have to realize it for you.”

Octavia casts a glance back at Lexa who is smiling with all their teeth, as Octavia continues to explain, “Every person in your story is important though. Their emotions and thoughts and fears are what makes up every moment. The moments of triumphs make the moments of despair a little more bearable. Sometime reality is always there to suck you back into the spiraling chaos. Some chaos though can bring mountains of later joy, as well as tie people together in unexpected ways.”

“Chaos teaches one how to survive... survival teaches one how to reach out... reaching out is helping...” She pauses, searching for the next words. They come easily though. “With helping comes pain... Your pain... Their pain...” She sees Tris staring back at her from the stands with Charles’ arm wrapped around her. “With pain though comes opportunity, and opportunity is sometimes a chance for truth.”

“Peripeteia, is what we learned freshmen year. Knowing that nothing is really known. Knowing that pain breaks, but love... that shit helps stitch the pieces back to a whole. And we all know that sometimes its a roller coaster, with happiness one moment followed by sadness then more happiness. The path of the coaster is about the choice one makes.”

She laughs for a moment. Just thinking about her rollarcoaster life. “Sometimes other people's stories let's us know we have a chance. They teachs us lessons that hopefully we will learn. Like that accident's happen and we have to learn to adjust. Just like accidents there will be adversity, and sometimes we need to say goodbye.”

Looking through the crows at her friends, her teammates, and people she had become acquainted with over the years. Her voice is strong as she says, “Letting go is never easy ... but even when you let go there is hope for tomorrow. There will be struggles... and your hope will be tested… and ...sometime you gotta learn to walk again... or see again.”

She swallowed, as the emotional shock her mind was going through thinking over all of the event that led her to this moment. All od the reasons that bad shit happened. “And most importantly, you gotta communicate... the good and the bad. The communication is what makes it possible for you to live and not just survive. You can't forget to celebrate… and… and ... you have to give credit were credit is due ... and support each other, even if it means calling each other out.”

Her list of things to say was growing, but her time running short. She gave them the last of herself.

“Embrace the moments for what they are. Remember to make plans, but live in the moment., because you can handle anything that they throw at you, and even find away to lighten to load.”

“Queen Griffin taught us to question everything, but choose with your heart. To own yourself and your actions... all of them. But mostly, she taught us to be confident in your ability to love and be loved. To tell the truth and try not to hide things. To love yourself and others. And lastly take the chance for help as well as give it.”

She held her hands out to the crowd. “Each of us has made this journey together. But we are all about to set out on new paths. Don’t be afraid of that path though because it yours, you shape it wither every choice you make. Thank you all for making the journey thus far with me… and may we meet again.”

The crowd cheered, as the cardboard hats flew through the air. Octavia hoped off the stage and into Lincoln’s arms, who had run from the back row. Raven met her on the ground with a crushing hug. Together they stood still, as Clarke and Lexa made it to them and held their girls. Everyone’s face wet with joy. For this wasn’t the end.

It was just the beginning of a new story.


	46. Authors Note

Hello,

Sorry everyone. I swear, I was trying to update my fics today but someone was claiming to be me on tumblr. It turned into a huge mess, and somehow I got talked into doing a periscope tomorrow to prove myself. However, here is the deal. I am luxstoryteller on tumblr, it is also my gmail. You can find me on twitter at @bluespicer. I am not really sure how to do the whole periscope thing but I will be doing it tomorrow at 11am my time. If you’re interested you can watch me make a fool of myself as I show you how Lowiiie and I write a chapter together. I will answer as many questions as possible. I am not sure how long I will be doing it but.... yeah, this is apparently happening. Also, Lexfingtrikru on tumblr is not me. 

Best wishes,

Luxi


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